When we suffer the death of someone we love, we experience mental,
emotional and physical distress. In this fragile state, it is likely
that we will feel resentment, indignation or anger. Sometimes these
feelings may be the result of a perceived offense or difference with
someone we know. Even, perhaps, with our deceased loved one.
the final stages of my husband’s illness and after his death, I
remember being surprised at the support and kindness of many people.
I hardly knew. I was also surprised by the absence of
support and/or inappropriate remarks made by family and friends. One
family member told me with great urgency that my children didn’t stand a
chance. Her claim was that children of single parents are “always
problems and in trouble.” Other comments, such as “It’s a blessing that
his suffering is over” seemed flippant. Didn’t they know that any young
father would gladly suffer in order to watch his children grow up!
Everyone who suffers a loss experiences similar situations.
we think of forgiving others, it may seem an impossible task in our
distressed state of mind. We think, “I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m offended.
Why should I have to forgive? I’m the injured party!”
great effort and strength to forgive. We are tired and emotionally
spent. It is easier to push grudges out of our consciousness or to
nurture them into anger in order to focus our emotional energy. The
problem with avoiding forgiveness is that it is detrimental to our
It has been my life experience that what goes around,
comes around. I know I have made countless blunders in my life—conscious
and unconscious—and I always have the expectation of being forgiven. So
it is only right that I should forgive others. But that doesn't make
the task any easier.
It may be surprising to learn that we can
benefit greatly from forgiving others. In fact, we benefit far more than
those we forgive. Studies show that people who forgive are happier and
healthier than those who hold resentments. This information is not new.
The ancient Buddhist religion views forgiveness as a practice to prevent
harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being.
Buddhism recognizes that feelings of ill-will leave a lasting effect on
our mind “karma.” And Judeo-Christian philosophy places great importance
on forgiveness as a path to redemption.
Forgiveness is a vital
step in the healing we need to recover from the loss of someone we love.
Lewis B. Smedes writes, “If you’ve been hurt, do you deserve to go on
hurting? Or do you deserve to be healed?” So, the question of
forgiveness is whether we and our future are worth it. I think we are.
And this make forgiving easier.
The bereavement support group I
attended after my husband died was led by a woman whose daughter had
been murdered. One night she talked about forgiving the murderer of her
child. After a couple of years, she had been able to forgive him and
even request that his death sentence be changed to a life sentence. At
the time I couldn't understand why she felt the need to forgive him,
much less how she could manage to forgive him. In time, when I
understood that forgiving others is a vital key to our own healing, it
became clear that this was the reason she had forgiven her daughter's
murderer. She could never truly heal until she forgave this man.
As we begin the process of forgiveness, we should be conscious of these common misconceptions:
- Forgiveness will make us feel better right away. (In reality, making the decision
to forgive will be only the beginning of a slow, but ultimately
- Forgiveness will only make the other person feel better. (The forgiven person often doesn’t even feel the
need to be forgiven or know they have hurt you.)
- In order to forgive, we must tell the other person. (As above, the forgiven person often doesn’t know or care to be forgiven.)
- To forgive means to forget. (We may never forget the actions that we have forgiven.)
A clergyman once spoke about the difficulty of forgiveness by citing a
personal example. After being grievously wronged, he felt the urge to
run his car over the perpetrator. As he worked to find forgiveness, he
imagined lightly braking, then braking completely and even stopping and
waving. Finally, as he reached true forgiveness, he could imagine
stopping and even offering the person a ride.
While this example
might be comical, it illustrates how we must work on the process of
letting go of our anger. Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen
instantaneously. It is a journey of the heart.
We must internalize these truths as we deal with forgiveness:
- Forgiveness involves the mind, emotion and will.
- Forgiveness requires a conscious conviction of the need to forgive for our own benefit.
- Forgiveness attempts to understand the other person.
- We must desire to forgive.
- We must choose to forgive.
If we keep in mind that we will reap the greatest rewards of forgiveness, we can find the
strength to take these steps. And these steps will move us forward on
our journey of healing.