Grief does very strange things to us, both physically and mentally.  Our emotions change in a fraction of a second, often making us feel like we're either going completely mad or we're schizophrenic.  Physically, after the initial loss, we have that sensation of having a large empty space in our chest.

One of the things that are the most difficult to get through, are the physical habits we had.  Specifically, having another person next to us in bed.  That physical act affects us on an emotional and mental level, as well.  We develop a sense of security knowing that that person is there.  Once they are gone, that sense of security disappears.  After my Barry died, I didn't sleep for over a week.  I just couldn't.  It was one of the most uncomfortable feelings.  That, I think more than anything else, really drove home the fact that he was gone.  I finally had to start taking sleeping pills in order get some rest.  If you are going to take that route, please remain sensible about using them.  Don't use them as a crutch.

After a couple of months, I found myself online looking at profiles of available guys in my area.  I stopped and really had to examine what I was doing.  Was I ready to take that step?  Was this really what I wanted?  Should I spend some time alone and get to know myself again?  After much examination, I discovered that even though I had been able to sleep in our bed alone for many weeks, I was seeking someone else to fill that hole; to provide that security.  This is a completely natural response.  If you find yourself looking around, don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of guilt.  Recognize what it is you're really looking for, then move on from there.  No one can walk your path of grief and no one can tell you how you should work with that grief.

It's important for each of us to be aware of ourselves and our grief.  We're all going to pass the same way points along our paths, but they're going to be in different places for each of us.  Your path is unique to you, just as mine is unique to me.  Each of us is special and loved.  We may suffer and we may want to throw ourselves off a cliff, but we're never alone.  There is always someone who can commiserate.  Your loved one is still with you wanting to help you.  If you're having memory problems, as many of us do, go back through your photo albums.  Remember those happy times and take joy in knowing that you have them and they were wonderful.  Without that special man or woman, we may not have had those experiences.  They've given you something that no one can take away, not even death.  Revel in that and let it fill you.

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