I read somewhere on here that the 2nd year was the worst but I think it is going to hurt like this in my life. All this pain and agony. I sometimes see myself like Scarlott in Gone with the wind. I'll think about that tomorrow or If I have to lie cheat or steal I will never be hungry again but with my fist in the air. This will not beat me. I will over come all this sadness. I will never hurt like this again. I will not loose my mind. I will fight and death u took one but u will not get me. I will over come this. But guess what what a lie I tell myself. It isn't better and it is going to defeat me. I am what I like to call a slug. I sit around and just wait. Wolling in pity. Not able to over come this.

 I want to hit someone. I want to feel again. I don't want to be sad. But I just can't help it. Last night I got no sleep. I lay down and my mind goes back to hospital and did I make a mistake. Did I miss something? Did I give the dr's to much freedom? What the hell was I thinking? I could have,should have,would have is now a way of life. Memories never stop I don't know what the trigger is. I need to find it. I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces of my life but with the flash backs and the general attitude. I just can't do it. I get going and then I end up right back from where I came from. I think I do it on purpose because I just don't feel like being happy.


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