These days that have run together and formed a jagged rip into what I thought was sanity that are running mercilessly together... The hours glaring hard into my being as they pass me by, knowing that I am growing weaker and loosing sight of any glimmer of what I used to think was hope. My soul, my inner self, the place I never knew I could experience such emotion, has been plunged into a place, if you can call it that, that I never knew existed. A place that, honestly, no human being should ever be forced into. A place, that many never return from. 

 

This, "time".....the hours still laughing as they glare past my still weakening self, this "place".....muted, hot and cold at the same time, vomit tickling the back of my throat, the physical body forced to suffer along with my soul. Language yet to be developed to describe the sheer strength and eminent torture I continue to be suffocated by... through my fingers which can no longer touch... through my mind which can no longer trust, or understand or try to explain or know....being forced to accept without reason. WHY? 

 

Choices have to be chosen tonight......this battle. This is either the beginning or the end. I know at the least, I will always be horribly disfigured and scarred, damaged in a place that cant be sutured and a place that used to feel better with her kiss no matter how deep the pain....scared to ever give freely the emotions I so effortlessly offered in what I knew as the love of a parent.....perfect? No.....but by comparison  A place so far from here, that I know I will never know what can only be comparatively called bliss, from this point on.

 

This "place", there is no love. NONE The word itself is ls without a definition.....almost as if it had never been created, experienced and known as only love can be known.

Self-Photograph 11.5.2011 11:45 PM )

 

Fear

Self-Hate

Lonliness

Regret

Hopelessness

Confusion

numb then hot, then colder than even cold

 

 

My physical heart even beats erratically not knowing whether to race or rest.

The fog is so thick, yet you can taste the emptiness in it.

Sleep is seconds at a time if that.

Why should I continue to fight to pull out of this "place" Just so it can happen all over again? Just so I can be pulled further into the monsters throat?

 

I still remember the idea of love.  I know....I think I know that it is out there and I am capable, but I know not what it actually feels like any longer. Those ideas I once knew as love, companionship, trust, self worth......those words are as empty as my stomach bubbling only with bile trying to eat its way out.

 

The battle......do I have the strength to survive not only emotionally but also physically this all out attack on everything that is me? I can't answer that. Honestly, I don't know. I don't even know if I have the will to try.                                    

   

 

She was torn from my side......you see......she was half of me. We were alike in so many ways.....sometimes so much so that we touched nerves that we shouldn't have, but that only made us love and need each other more. We were symbiotic. So.....where does that leave me now. Can I ever imagine her smile when I do something that would have put light in her eyes? Can I ever feel that comfort of, no matter how big I got, that I was safe when she was on watch? Can I? Will I try? Do I have the strength to even find out? Whats the use? There's nothing left.

 

This "place" I have been forced to exist in, no one SHOULD survive.....so why are we FORCED there? Why would my God, who loves me.....gave me life.....showed me that light and warmth and energy that I fear I will never see again.....Why would He then Rip it out of me like tearing my skeleton out of my skin? And, why do I have to accept that "the answer is His to give" and only if He chooses? WHY? That's not love. That's pure torture. THIS IS PURE TORTURE draining every ounce of hope, and life that is left inside me.

Her name even now......growing fainter in my memory....Mom......not forgetting her, just forgetting the comfort of her. Her "feeling"....which is nevermore.

 

my soul, I'm afraid, damaged and moth eaten and bleeding...

 

my soul....growing so unrecognizable as even a part of me... crumpling under the weight of the tasteless, empty deafening silent gray, black white .....empty.....darkness that is so bright it has dried any moisture in my eyes.....my soul....is loosing this battle.

 

Time..... I don't even know what that means anymore, but I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of it if I'm even gonna be able to fathom escaping it......this "place" I have been thrown into like a discarded piece of trash.....or worse.

Reality now blurring into dreams and fantasy and nightmares the human mind could never conceive alone. I don't know whats real, whats truth, whats me and who God is. 

This place.... this hell, this ,,,,,, place

 

this "place" is ..... killing me.

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Comment by Mark Manning on September 26, 2012 at 3:23pm

Getting close to 11 months since I wrote this entry. Although, forced to accept the facts of death as all are, my deep feelings, now more stifled, are still as sharp and as empty and as horribly lonely as they were then. They say time makes it easier. I say Bullshit. Time just allows that I learn to fake a smile or pretend that I'm doing better, but it doesn't get any easier. Just more hidden.

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