It's been 4 months now since my Andy passed on  Yet it seems like time stopped back on January 30 2012.  That is NOT a day I would have chosen for time to stop and stand still.  Why not  4 years ago?  Why doesn't time ever stop and stand still on happier times?

At the same time I can't believe it's been 4 months.  It's like I'm caught in a time bubble while the rest of the world is flying past at warp speed.    I don't know how I feel.  My emotions are like being caught up in a giant swell of a wave tumbling me ad tossing me, bringing me up occasionally just long enough to catch a quick break so I don't die.  I don't know what direction I am going or which end is up.  All I can do it keep telling myself to hold on, but part of e doesn't even want to do that.  Part of me wants to surrender to the sea of emotions and just give up the fight and let them take me down.  Then I see my beautiful daughter's face or she tells me she loves me and I know...I"ve got to hold on.  Or should I?  I look back at all the opportunities I had where my intuitioin was screaming DO SOMETHING!  As his mother I KNEW since last July that things were just not right.  I did speak up and nobody listened.  I should have been more assertive.   Changed doctors but around here if you do that they black list you as a "doctor shopper" .  IN so many ways the medical community puts up roadblocks  preventings patients from getting the help they need.  ESPECIALLY pain patients.  You don't dare look for another doctor if you are unhappy with the one you got, you can't tell your doctor if you are still in pain. You can't even go to your doctor if you are concerned that you might be taking too much because you get a "buzzed" feeling.  If you say anything they cut you off completely and you are left to simply suffer. 

I'm not saying this just from the experience with my son.  I'm also a pain patient due to three nuro muscular auto immune diseases.  I've made many friends over the years with the same diseases and othes in the same or similar position as my son was...it's always the same story.  I"ve lost several friends to suicide because their pain was too much to bear and nobody would do anything about it.  How anyone has the gull to presume to know how much pain someone is in better than the person themself and to in one way or another call them a liar is beyond me.  And that this is legal and allowed and not considered prejudicial and a violation of a persons rights somehow?  No, it's just so much easier for those not in chronic pain to make "pain medication" taboo and turn suffering patients into criminals rather than figure out a working solution..one that would start with complete information of the patients condtion and treatment options and medications and their possible side effects, cautions and dangers so that THEY can make a completely informed decision about their treatent..then having doctors who follow them and guide them closely allowing for OPEN communication, no contracts...just open, trusting TEAMWORK.  Afterall who's body and life is it we're dealing with here anyway?

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