Grief is such a terrible thing.  So selfish sometimes to feel grief, I feel guilty at times feeling so despondent over the loss of my son, I can't imagine truly terrifying feelings he must have had before his final moments.  Despite the logic in me telling me there was nothing I could have done to save him, I still feel that I failed him as his father to keep him safe.  Oh if I could just hold him again and kiss him and love him. 


People say that time heals.  Inevitably with the passing of time, things will be ok.  I listen to them, but those words ring so hollow to me.  I don't think their words are about comfort to me, I think those words are about comfort to them.  That in my pain, they feel badly, thus the only way they can feel good is if I feel good.  This symbiosis really gets me, because I don't want to feel good, I don't know if that is possible yet. 


I find myself just fading into the backdrop of life.  I don't want my friends to think about me, I want to yell at them, just leave me alone, stop thinking about me because i don't want them to hurt.  I just wish i wasn't.

I know these words come from a place of darkness and sorrow.  I make no apologies.  People are different, and we respond in our own way.  Make no judgment, honor your own journey. 

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