Grief is such a terrible thing. So selfish sometimes to feel grief, I feel guilty at times feeling so despondent over the loss of my son, I can't imagine truly terrifying feelings he must have had before his final moments. Despite the logic in me telling me there was nothing I could have done to save him, I still feel that I failed him as his father to keep him safe. Oh if I could just hold him again and kiss him and love him.
People say that time heals. Inevitably with the passing of time, things will be ok. I listen to them, but those words ring so hollow to me. I don't think their words are about comfort to me, I think those words are about comfort to them. That in my pain, they feel badly, thus the only way they can feel good is if I feel good. This symbiosis really gets me, because I don't want to feel good, I don't know if that is possible yet.
I find myself just fading into the backdrop of life. I don't want my friends to think about me, I want to yell at them, just leave me alone, stop thinking about me because i don't want them to hurt. I just wish i wasn't.
I know these words come from a place of darkness and sorrow. I make no apologies. People are different, and we respond in our own way. Make no judgment, honor your own journey.