It said, “Time Heals all Wounds” I say I miss you that much more!
I lost my beloved last year. He was not sick, he passed away in his sleep due his heart rate went too low. Dr. said he had arrhythmia. He left me so suddenly. He was truly a one in a million person, literally. I miss him so much I feel lost, lonely, hopeless, sad, angry, confused and soooo like I am not alive anymore (as I knew it).
Those around us try to say the right words. Some say time will heal this. I also hear, in time you’ll feel better.
Well, I am only 15 months into this nightmare with no waking from as its a true! my beautiful beloved “Bee” has passed away. Even as I type the words, is this real? where is he? I find myself looking for him and wondering “when he will come back”. I am so not in reality. I also pretend that he is here and I am just waiting to hear from him. I pretend he is not gone, it seems to help me cope better. I must be crazy!
So in time do I want to feel better? what a strange question that is to me. I feel in time, even now at at 15 months, how dare people say “Life goes on” I want to say “DUH!” I know that at some deep level that life flows within us and without us. I also know that in this time that has passed, I miss him more and more and more. It’s like I am a little boat and he was my mother ship and my boat is lost at sea and he is becoming a figure in the distance, yes I cannot see him as I did before, But I feel him! and miss him more with each passing moment. Who doesnt miss someone more when they are gone to war, on a trip, etc. We miss them more!...
but maybe, just maybe, we learn to live with the hope and the idea that they are not gone. We somehow have to block it out to survive; as survival is an instinct so deeply part of who we are.
Maybe just maybe in time I’ll learn to live with this pain.
Or learn to live without him...
We feel so incomplete without this loved one, it’s like, now we must learn to live with a maimed heart.
Time does not heal all wounds. I think maybe time helps us learn to cope with it.
Is this the theme of life? Loss...maybe we have loss to become closer to God?
Its the most confusing part of life for me. I feel very alone now. But I do know one thing for sure, I need God more than ever....now.