Q. During a recent funeral, I overheard someone tell the adopted son of the deceased, “Well, at least it’s easier for you that he wasn’t your real father.” How can people be so insensitive? The son was speechless.
Some people do speak inappropriately to grieving family members, although this is one of the more outrageous examples. Usually the trigger is extreme anxiety. Someone doesn’t know what to say and feels so uncomfortable about it that he/she spouts anything that comes to mind. Here are my nominations for the “Do-Not-Say List”:
Brevity and sincerity avoids such traps, of course. People can never go wrong by saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss (or about your mother).” Period.
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If you have a question for Florence, please email her at fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com.
Florence Isaacs is the author of several books on etiquette, including My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes.... She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: Sincere Condolences and Widow in the World, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.
Image: Flickr Creative Commons, Jesslee Cuizon
Comment
Nicole, Your comment reminds me of something my friend said after her husband died. She told me that if one more person told her that "he was still with her" she was going to scream. She then said to me, "I know he is with me, but he isn't bringing me my coffee in the morning."
Stop telling me that my sister is still "with me".
You can never go wrong with a Sympathy card . They always seem to have the write things to say in them- Hebrews 13:22
Great advice. A young widow in one of my support groups was told by someone at her husband's wake, "At least you look good in black." I warn the recently bereaved that people will say "unskillful" things trying to provide comfort. Best to not be offended or hurt, but to look at their heart and the fact that they are just trying to find words to show you that they care. I agree with Florence that the best words are " I am sorry for your loss" and that sometimes the best words are no words at all, but a warm embrace or a shoulder to cry on.
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