Below is a list of things that I am struggling with regarding the loss of my beloved sister Liz:
1. Guilt. This is one of my biggies. I feel guilty that I didn't know that she was hurting so badly...that I never chatted with her on Gmail after I found out her gmail address last November...that I only contacted her once after November...that I survived when I was suicidal and she didn't...and that I wasn't able to use my experience to help her...that I wasn't there when she needed me. I also feel a sense of failure because I'm the big sister and I failed at my job of protecting her.
2. It took a few months...but losing my sister has brought back grief for other losses...especially both of my grandmothers. One who died before I was born...and the one that my sister was named after.
3. I really miss my sister.
4. I have a bad memory...and most of my memories of my sister are general and not specific. And I have few stories to tell. I want more memories and stories of her. When my family and I were buying her flowers we were asked what her favorite color and flower were. I had absolutely no idea. I only know of a few of her favorite things. Now I want to know many, many more!! I'm so happy that I found a few documents on my computer where I copied surveys that she answered and posted on her myspace bulletins. And so now I know a few more of her favorite things...and am in the process of extracting all the information that I can about her from these bulletins. But I am hungry for much, much more. (sigh)
5. I don't like some things my mom is saying about her...and think she's being too hard on her. She keeps saying things like how she would never forget and never forgive. She thinks my sister had some undiagnosed mental health problem. She implies that she had no reason to be unhappy when she says that she had a husband who loved her...a son she adored...a nice house...and plenty of money. I get the distinct impression she now thinks my sister was crazy.
6. I'm a little leery of contacting my brother-in-law to see about possibly getting a few of her things. He was...and likely still is...VERY, very angry with my sister. Which I do understand...but while I was in town for the Memorial Service it felt like he was trying to erase her. He wanted nobody to mention Liz to their son...and not only did my nephew not come to the service, but I heard he went to a birthday party that day. He wouldn't allow an obituary in the paper. Like I said it felt like he was trying to erase her. I hope that he hasn't gotten rid of all of her things...it's only been recently that I've thought about the possibility of trying to get a few things of hers that I can touch. I do so want things that I can touch that remind me of her.
7. Once the Memorial Service was over...even my family has hardly mentioned Liz. :(
8. I'm hurting over not hearing from one of my best friends. The whole year-and-a-half before my sister died...I could not get her to respond to me. Then after my sister died...I asked her son to tell her...and to ask her to call me. And she did. She was great until shortly after I got back home again. Although I no longer feel secure in our friendship...so it wasn't the same. And it felt like I had gotten something I had wanted for so long at my sister's expense. So I struggled with that too. She's called me once since then. And this week I got a card from her where she said that not a day goes by that she doesn't think of me. And while I appreciate the card...it made me cry and made me mad. If she thinks about me so much why can't she pick up the phone when I call or call me back??? I just don't need this right now. :(
9. Shortly after getting back home from the Memorial Service...it seemed like most of my support disappeared. I understand that they needed to get back to their lives...but I really needed them...and it felt like I was all alone. Although since then I have slowly but surely found other support.
10. I'm not functioning very well. Doing anything productive is a huge struggle. All I want to do all day is grieve. I can barely get my kids off to school...and get dinner on the table...let alone the hundred other things that I need to do.
11. I'm absolutely exhausted and not feeling well. I have Chronic Fatigue...so I am normally exhausted. But grief is exhausting all on its own. The end of the school year is always so busy...and I just don't know how I am going to make it through.
12. I hate my life...and not just because I lost my sister. I hate what I see in the mirror...I'm not happy with most of my relationships especially my marriage...I hate my financial situation...I'm frustrated with how my son is doing in school...I'm concerned about his self-esteem...and I'm tired of feeling depressed.
13. I can not bear to think of my sister all alone...in unbearable pain...thinking she had no other options...and probably thinking no one cared or could possibly understand.
14. I feel abandoned by my sister. I feel hurt that for whatever reason she didn't think she could talk to me. This causes some anger. Although it's less now that I wrote a letter to her about my angry feelings. It's tough though to be angry with someone who has died. :(
15. I don't know enough about my sister to make a nice online memorial for her.
If you can help me with any of these, and/or have any advice or perspective...please comment below.