When does the upside of life start?

The months have flown by since my Ernie passed away April, 2011, yet in some ways very slow.  I have no children where I can look at them and see part of him in them, but blessed with family, neighbors and dear girlfriends who go out of their way to help me.  Still, I feel empty inside and so very lonely.  I have had an acquaintance of my husband look me up and ask me out and I was stunned!  I think it was in poor taste and this person would be the last person on earth I would ever consider to be part of my life.  Then on Sept. 11th, my pet cat Molly simply passed away on the carpet (eyes open) and she looked so alive until I went to pet her.  I fell apart as her death (even though a cat) was another grief factor for me so I am very alert when it comes to my 2 small dogs.  Since Ernie's death and even though I am eating a fair amount I have lost 35 lbs., which I can ill afford and I'm very thin which has scared the delights out of me.  I keep praying to God to take this burden from me and let me come up for air.

 

I saw my doctor yesterday b/c I had a CT Scan done and I prayed all the way to his office.  I am fortunate that all organs were super healthy, but I have just over a 2" cyst on my left ovary and I am seeing a gyno soon.  I am so terrified and I feel like I am climbing one large mountain after the other and my faith is faltering.  I just turned 70 (friends don't think I look that age) in January and I don't know how much life I have in me and now it just seems everything I once had and even myself has disappeared and I have become almost dormant regarding my own feelings.  I keep asking myself 'when does my life start?'

 

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