On March 11, 2012, I lost my partner of 40 years.  We adopted 4 special needs boys.  They are now

14, 15, 17, and 18.  I was 10 years older than my partner and always believed I would go before him.

We moved into a new leased home on 4/28/2012 and he was released from the hospital on 4/30/2012.

We were both registered nurses.  I took care of him the first seven days, with every 2 hours of morphine.  Hospice came in the last three days.  He died holding my hand.  How could I have gone thru this experience and not believe it really happened.  As a coping method I wear his wedding ring on my left hand and my wedding ring on my left.  I have a candle lit on our counter with his picture.  Each and every day I write a note to him, seal it in an envelope and on the one year anniversary of his death, we will build a fire and send all the notes to heaven.  My boys are having a hard time, they have no life experience to deal with situation.  Lately when I think of him, I get angry because I wonder why he didn't take better care of himself.  He was the head of household and our financial support.  How will I be able to manage four teenagers, the home, laundry, etc.  I will soon be 72 and I feel that my life is over.  I am so lonely and long for someone to validate me as a human being.  Our phone never rings and it seems like everyone has abandoned us.  We are new to this area and have no family or friends.

 

We have always been a private couple, and never felt like we had to reveal our lifestyle and act out.

The boys accept us for who we are and love us both for providing them with a good life.

 

I am lost, I don't seem to have a direction other than to continue to raise my boys.  I don't want my life to be over.

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