Hi Carin, Charles was 26 when he died.  I think it goes with the territory that we blame ourselves for not doing more or doing things differently.  Hindsight is 20/20, unfortunately we didn't know/see what we do now.  Self-blame tormented me for a long while.  It still does come over me at times, although less often now and much less intensely.  The majority of instances of suicidal deaths is due to brain disorders like depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, et al.; however, some suicide deaths occur as a result of impulsivity.  At any rate, these are not conditions that we were equipped to contend with in our children, and we had not idea that they would go the route they did.  I know that telling you to not hold yourself responsible is ineffectual, because I know that when I was in that place, no one could deter me from condemning myself for his death.  However, I will say it anyway, because you still need to hear it, and in time you will come to accept the truth of it and let yourself off the hook.  I'm here whenever you need to talk. 

I watched your video and read the article and love what you are doing and how you are channeling your grief.  Be sure to post your AFSP OOTD link so we can follow your efforts.  Lord bless you!

sorry sunset not sunser

Carin, saw a beautiful pink sunser last night thought about you sending hugs and prayers your way love Daphne

What a wonderful birthday tribute.  So sorry to hear of all your sons friends..

Happy Birthday Cody

You are truly a very strong person and your son was beautiful. To see someone so talented, good looking, smart, funny, and loving have such an awful illness leaves you wondering why? My brother was the same, whole life in front of him instead he battled everyday. My parents found my brother. It's an awful image that will be forever embedded in their minds as well. I'm so sorry for your loss Godbless

My brothers birthday is on the 29th the day before I was supposed to get married. We have postponed the wedding of course. Somedays are harder than others especially getting through work. It's so hard but having the right support with help us get through this. Cody will never be forgotton and will always be your son. Please feel free to talk to me anytime. My email is Aydensmom518@comcast.net

I am so sorry for your loss, my 21 yr old brother just took his life May 20 and I know how my parents are taking it now. Our world is upside down and we have no idea what to think, do, or anything. We will never know why or the amount of pain that they went through. What I do know is my parents need my sister and me more than ever and I promise to be their shoulder to cry on and a voice for my brother. Much love to your family

Such a handsome lad, and beautiful smile.  That is so sweet that he would send you beautiful sunsets on his cell fone; now he still does, only not by cell fone, but in real time.  May our eyes be open to all their messages. Xxoo

I am honored to be your friend here on Legacy.  Please feel free to read all my blog posts and pictures of my family on my personal page.

Here are the books that helped me so much -

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye         Brook Noel/Pamela Blair

When Bad Things Happen to Good People    Harold Kushner

Heaven Is for Real         Todd Burpo

Awakening from Grief       John Welshons

Embraced by the Light      Betty Eadie

I did read them in that order....not that you have too.  I just needed reasurrance that what I was feeling was something called normal.  I tell you I have lost both parents, grandparents, a young sister in law and a best friend at 40 and NOTHING had the pain that I felt when I lost my son.

I was sick with pain, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat I lost everything I felt about living.  It was many many months before I felt like I came out of the fog.....so like I said, be kind to yourself, take it as slow as you need too.

Keep posting and be kind to yourself.

Hugs

Susan

Carin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  It's been one year and one month (tomorrow) since I lost my 21 year old daughter. 

My daughter died on December 6, 2010 and with all the holiday's and everything, I don't even remember but bits and pieces of the first few months.

The one thing I've done that has helped me is to keep a journal that I write to my daughter.

Also, I bought the book, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.  It really helped me in the beginning, because I truly felt I was going crazy.  Even a year later, my head feels like it's full of cotton and I don't do a lot of "deep" thinking.

Finding this group was such a lifesaver for me in the beginning.  The other parents on this site don't judge you and DO know how you feel. 

I hope you are able to find comfort and some peace on this site.

Hugs,

Terri

My heart goes out to you Carin, I'm terrified of being the one to find him if and when he does succeed. Jonny's twin Sister Jenny seem to be the only one who has ever been able to make him see things at another level. Jenny and my 4 yr old Grandson live here with me so hopefully he will be able to get home soon.

Sending extra special prayers for all of you today, God Bless!

Morning Carin....I thought I would go to your page as not to get in a serious discussion on the main page this morning.   I know Barbara means well and yes there are many things we can do "eventually" to ease our pain but you are brand new, within 30 days of your tragic loss.  You have to go one day at a time and just make it through each day.  I don't even remember the first 6 mos to tell you the truth, it was all a fog or a blur.  I did survive and yes I did get active in the things that I love to help heal me and my family. But that was about at least a yr out so don't put pressure on yourself. Like I said I have books that helped me in the beginning so I will pass them on if you want.

If you want to leave messages on my personal page, just click on Donny's picture above and you go to my page.

Hope today finds you a tiny bit better.  We are all with you on this journey.

Susan