Jeff, Thanks for your post. Coming up on this three year mark is hard as always. Megan was in a car accident on her way back to Angelo University. She was injured in the accident but her injuries were not life threatening. The paramedic on the helicopter that was called decided that she was "combative". She had a head injury and was confused. They decided to paralyze her and intubate her to make the flight safer for them and they put the tube in her esophagus instead of her trachea. They did not check the tube placement even though they were told by 2 other medics on scene that it was not in place. They did not remove it and she died of lack of oxygen on the way to the hospital. She was brain dead on arrival and was resuscitated there to the point where she could be maintained on life support and was an organ donor. We miss her so much. I have just joined a support group
compassionate friends and will hopefully be able to work through some of my feelings while helping others to get through theirs.
Jeff, if you have any other pics, like your son's pets, hobbies, sports, etc. send them to Tami as well. She is really talented. Look at the collage or poster she did for my son with flowers from his garden. It is a work of art. See it on my page, click on photos.
Jeff, I am just beginning to understand grief and feel hope in finding this site. I don't feel so alone, sad as it is but I was at my end. I am just now starting to deal with the pain and the last year has been a nightmare for me. I'm seeing that I'm not going crazy, the advise and comments here give me hope were hope was all but gone. I feel your pain and suffering as well which in some strange way minimizes the pain I feel. You are in my heart as everybody here is, for nobody can carry their loss by themselves. Thank you!
I've been reading your postings on the main wall and I don't know if it's because our losses are within a few weeks of each other's or what, but you always put into words exactly how I'm feeling.
It will be two years on December 6. Even typing the words, two years, seems unbelievable to me.
Like you, I can be having a really good day and all of a sudden I go into an instant depression. So many reminders of how great of a loss of losing my daughter has been. I have two rooms full of her things and I still haven't gone through them. I go there with the intentions of going through her things, but after less than ten minutes, I can't take it. It overwhelms me. There are so many things she herself would have thrown away and said weren't important to her, but I can't throw even one doodle away or one shirt I know is stained and would have been too small for her. I guess one of these days . . .
I'm also somewhat surprised the reaction from people close to me, from relatives to friends, that don't "get it", not even a tiny bit. My husband's grandma had a 100th birthday in March and we had to go through all our pictures (no one understood how hard that was) and a CD was made up of years of pictures from everyone in the family and not one person offered me pictures of my daughter. I guess they don't realize that is the only thing left for us. My brother in law offered to make me a copy of the CD and he never did that either. Oh well . . .
Anyway, I'm sorry this turned into me complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted you to know, your posts always catch my eye and have meaning to me.
I hope you and your wife are hanging in there and I send hugs to you both.
My son Jaime passed away on 2-7-12 and we battled leukemia for 14 months. I understand what you mean that our healing processes began when the thought of them passing enters our mind so many times that we reluctantly have to face the possibility. I had a hard time till the very very end... I did not want to accept that Jaime could pass... even with leukemia. My son was going to be the miracle young man that defeated all the odds, and in Jaimes mind, i think he thought the same thing... till the very end. He told me, "mom, i want to go home now" and he meant our home, my parents home, and even though i should of yanked out all his IVs in the ICU and carried him to my car and our home, I told him "no, mijo, you have to stay here and get better" and he asked me to go the and leave him. His heart stopped beating half an hour later and I was out "taking a break". I came back and the nurses noticed at the same time I did, that he was not breathing or beating. They immediately coded him and brought him back, but I did not get to converse with him, he was concious, but never opened his eyes, I just kept holding him and telling him that I was very proud of him and that I loved him very much. His heart stopped again the next morning and I was there with my mom. We called a priest and gave him his last rights half an hour before his heart stopped. No one gave me hope, none of the pulmonalogists or the nurses, just his oncologist, he gave me some hope, but it was futile. I love Jaime and I think about him every day and always will. I am grateful to God that he did not leave suddenly without saying our goodbyes and I am grateful that we talked about God and about looking for God. Even though he was a 23 year old unmarried, no girlfriend, but just interested in video games and cars. I am grateful for every moment that our Lord gave him to me, and now I have to figure out how and why this happened. I am just aligning myself with God and I want to become more aware of the next life so that I can assure myself to see Jaime when it is my turn.
I wish you peace and love in this process we are living. Blessings.
Your son sound like an amazing young man…I know your proud of him and his funeral sounded like it was beautiful, When my child died I wanted to make sure I gave him a beautiful funeral and I picked the nicest funeral home to bury him, my son is buried by a beautiful lake and I did not care how much it cost me. When we bury our children that is the last thing that we will ever do for them.
My son passed away on May 31, 2012 in tragic car accident he was pen inside the car my son was only one street away from home. I remember arriving to the hospital and I could see my x-husband face, I knew something was wrong and then the priest from the church walk inn, I was angry when I saw him, I thought to my self we don’t need you here I wanted him to leave, I remember the priest asking me if I need anything and I said to him I need to know how my son is doing and he let me know that the DR would be in soon to speak to me. I remember two Dr walking in and standing at the door and then they said where sorry to inform you that your son did not make it. Never in a million year did I expect to hear that, I remember looking up at them and yelling at them tell them WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE MY SON, yes I lost it.
My son was pronounced dead when he arrived to the emergency room at 12:13 AM, I remember they let us view him. It look like he was sleeping he still look the same and I could feel his skin, I hug him and told him it was ok and that I wasn’t mad and that I love him and that God would now take care of him, I remember not wanting to leave the hospital I didn’t want to leave him there in that hospital alone. I must have got home around 4:00 am I didn’t sleep for two days. Jeff I could go on and on about my son.
But thank you for sharing your son story and thank you for letting me share mine.
It is so good hearing from you and I am really really happy that you have gotten the closure that we all would like to have, ie. no one is at fault. It just happened. What is is and couldn't be predicted nor prevented. You are very lucky in this regard.
I certainly know how a sane person could think of suicide. I never had the strength to actually contemplate suicide. I do think it requires strength - misery gives some that strength- to go against the basic animal instinct to survive. I have wished I would be dead, like if a building fell on me and killed me it would be okay, but I have always known i could not actually do it by my own hand.
That said - I am doing okay. As well as could be expected. I miss Gavin terrible and I also miss my daughter. She will not kill herself actively but is obviously killing herself passively. She feels as if Gavin's death could have been prevented and it may be true. She told everyone that she feared he would aspirate during a seizure while asleep. His pediatric neurologist said it wouldn't happen. She put off his immunization because his seizures weren't under control but the pediatrician promised her that nothing would happen - 10 days after the last seizure and 1 day before he was to be seen in consultation for his seizures at Boston Babies Hospital she let him be immunized and, that night, he aspirated and died. She blames everyone, mostly herself.
I don't know what if anything I can do for her. Neither of us believe in God, heaven, hell or that there is a better place where we will see those who have died. What is is.
Anyway, I hope I have not depressed you. I keep very busy and work alot. I enjoy the spring, summer and fall and the beauty of nature. I must admit that the dark days of winter do not help me. Oh well, it is what it is!!
Keep strong and know that there is nothing that can be done to prevent the accidents of nature and circumstance that befall the living.
All my sincere best thoughts and wishes to you and yours,
Jeff, I also have my son t-shirt in a ziploc bag and I also take it out to smell it..I even saved some of his blood that I found in his car. I know it sound sick. I have a box with all his belonging his watch that he had on the day of his car accident his bracelet he was wearing that read I love boobs... it just seem so unfair that he is gone I get so angry that he is no longer with me.
Jeff, thank you for post, she was amazing, she just never complained, always wanted to make sure other people were happy. I know in my head that she OK now, no more medical devices to keep her alive, like there was her last week of her life. Now she is free I know to now worry, not hurt, and not worry. My heart just hasn't been able to keep up. I am hoping one day it will.
Jeff, Thank you so much for your kind words. And I'm sorry for the lost of your son. coming to this page was the best thing I did everyone here can relate to what I'm feeling. I have good days and bad days more bad then good, I miss my son so much it hurts and make me angry that he was taken from me at such a young age its just not fair for me not to have my son, everyday is a challenge for me but with the help of a counselor I try everyday.
Thank you for you concern. It is a hard road. It has been almost 4 months and never a day goes by that my tears don't pour out.. His father was so very selfish and he completely tore my family apart. Lucas was such a happy child. He always had a smile. I would just give anything to hold him and tell him how much i love him. Each day I look to heaven and ask for strength to go through the day. I have been reading of so many children on here gone to soon and how so many deal with there grief. Just know my prayers are with you and each and every other greiving the lost of their child.
You are so right about all that you said. None of my cousins have contacted me since the wake or the funeral. Although I know they have busy lives and I do understand that they don't know what to say. One of my cousin's whose son was in a car accident after playing golf with his friend lost his arm. I felt terrible for Louise and Craig her son. But it didn't seem real that he lost his arm Craig is a really big guy and it was unbelievable that something could happen to such a handsome young adult. Then my son was killed by a drunk driver. Sometimes I don't believe it but sometimes I do.
It's amazing to me how some people are. I have changed or should I say I have grown. I've always been a funny person and still am making some individuals laugh with my spontaneity. And at the same time I find myself listening to what people say when I'm trying to help them with an issue that I am somewhat of an expert. With the loss of an only child I couldn't believe some of the words from a friend. I've lost weight on purpose and she is overweight. Expressing a desire to do the same I attempted to help. When my friend asked if I am anorexic. I had to explain I'm not and why I lost the mere 20 some pounds. Amazing how she began to quote the bible that we are suppose to love others more than ourselves. I don't think there is any room to continue but I will help her and see what happens.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate the comment you left on my wall. I know I will refer back to it often, it's such a positive message.
We also had our daughter cremated. As Catholics we had to bury them because the priest said it would give us more closure to have somewhere to go visit her.
Either way, if I had kept the ashes or buried them (next to my brother), I still feel she is separate from that. There is so much of her around my house.
My husband and I were talking yesterday about all she had gone through in her life, so much pain, embarrassment, sadness, etc . . .But I told him I want her legacy to be a positive one. She was an inspiration to so many people and was so creative and artistic, that's what I want people to remember, not the bad stuff.
Thanks so much for your positiveness. I really needed it!!
Jeff, I read what you said about the one year angel day.. and how you feel your son around you. I think that is wonderful. I am hoping that this Christmas I feel the same thing. I am attending a conference in March at Virginia Beach. It is the second annual Afterlife Awareness Conference. You can google it and see the line up of speakers/presenters. I am excited about going. Remember.....Our boys are out there somewhere and just fine and in Good Company with each other!! Tommy's soul was the only one I know that was ready for such a change..God knows if anyone could handle it.. he could. What an adventure they are on!!!! God Bless, Shannon
I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and your wife. I think about you and your son often, I guess because I lost my daughter two weeks after you lost your son. I'm sorry that Thanksgiving was such a horrible time for you. It's bittersweet for me, that was the last weekend I had spent with my daughter. All in all, the holidays are not something I look forward to either. I'm not sure what it will be like this year, like you, it was very surreal last year. Just know, you have people here thinking of you and your family and hoping the holidays pass quickly for you.
i have kept up with your posts here on legacy. you are right that everyone grieves uniquely .. i am just past 2 years with losing my only child , dusty , 25 to a drug overdose. i still feel that desperate pain. its not raw as much as it is there. it will always be there, i can function but feel no real joy or happiness. i suppose for some it just takes more time - thanks for posting here. hugs, valerie