The police report did mention a note in his pant pocket with only instructions of what to have done with his remains, but that report was not released to me until two months later, after an investigation was completed.  It requested he be cremated and thrown into the Talkeetna River.  I was glad I did not receive it in time!  I would have been so sad to have sprinkled all of his ashes in a river that would have flowed far away from me. 

Instead, he received a military funeral and interment, with honors, at Fort Richardson national cemetery, so, thankfully, I have a concrete place to go to.  I did, however, hold back some of his ashes--to share with his father and one special grandmother (who both live out of state) to conduct their own special remembrance rites.  So then, when I discovered his written request, I thought, "Good! I'm glad it happened the way it did (after the fact), or I may have rebelled against his last wishes."  I will honor his request though, and take the remaining ashes to the river, and I have invited his dad and his grandma to attend.

I see from your profile that your son, too, served in the military?

Hi Deb, thank you for your message.  Did you receive your package with photographs yet?  It must be so anxiety producing for you!  Just 2-1/2 more days before I receive my son Charles' two bags full of his belongings.  I read somewhere that 80 or so percent of people who die by suicide, contrary to popular belief, do NOT leave suicide letters.  Part of me wishes for one, and the other part dreads finding one.  My understanding is that people affected by paranoid schizophrenia have very distorted perceptions and realities, and that not receiving a letter would almost be a blessing.  However, part of me still longs for a personal message from him, but I know that it might be distorted and hurtful.  I'm very conflicted over this.  I will be relieved to have my younger son Robert there with me for whatever revelations might come to light.  I realize that whatever I learn I will not be able to reverse, so I will have to remember that if there is distortion, that it was the disease that made it so.  Our challenges are different, but in a way, similar, in our need for every piece of available information, helpful or hurtful.  And who's to say just because it's hurtful that it isn't also helpful?

Deborah, I sent u an email thru personal email. this is in reply to us being on the friends list now. let me know if you get it.

joyce

ps. I am so sorry that you are not into this as far as my husband and I, and want to say things get easier to deal with, but it also never goes away, and if it does I cant wait to get to that point. I have a cousin thru my mom, who both are 81, and he told me not to let her death consume me!!! oh it has. But his child he told me, passed from a blood disease over 50 yrs ago. He would have been around my age. I know I wont be around 50 yrs from now, I'm 58 now, lol. So, somewhere in the far away future, time will heal. I am waiting.

Here is the website for the sky lanterns:

TheSkyLantern.com     or  888 449.3586

Hugs - Susan

Deborah,

It has helped me to vent about it... I can talk to the parents here so much easier than my family.   I am supposed to be OK for my family and not let them see the pain to try and save them from feeling bad for me..  Well we all feel bad for each other and it is totally accepted!!!!  We are all in the same boat.  Please know we care and come here as often as you need to.  Your friend in this pain and journey,

Shannon

Deborah, my son officially passed on the afternoon of Nov 17, 2010 but we did not find him until the afternoon of the 17th. He lived in his own apartment and did not show up for work at noon that day. At about 3:30 the police unlocked my son's apartment and my family's nightmare began. It's just so unreal.

Today I helped a friend move into his new house. His wife's sister lost their 24 y.o. daughter from an valentine's day auto accident. I was talking to the grandparents about my loss and how it devestated me. The young lady's parents eventually showed up. They knew about my loss and I knew about theirs. Not much had to be exchanged because we all knew what each other was going through.

I also had a birthday since my son's death and my wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary on June 20th. I don't know if we'll really be celebrating but we do lean on each other and it make's it a little more bearable when you have a partner to share in your loss.  Take care !

Deborah,

  When my son passed he was in the process of taking the physical exam for the Columbus, Ohio police dept. He'd graduated from Ohio State Univ. with a degree in criminology. He's goal was to be a police detective.

I have two sisters that are nurses and your son was going into a really rewarding career field. Like my son, the hard time in school was for naught. Two very goal oriented young men and they are snatched in the beginning of their adult lives. I just don't get it. There are murders, rapist and child molesters running the streets and our son's are the ones taken away. May be Billy Joel was right. May be the good die young.

You may have mentioned but I did not catch how your son passed. Was it an accident? I have my son's b-day coming up on the 31st. Just like the year he was born, it'll end up being the Tuesday after Memorial Day. Thanks for sharing your story. It really helps to know that when it's all said and done, I have a place to vent with others that know how I feel. Take care!