Dear Deborah, I'm glad to hear how it turned out with the photos. It sounds like you received more needed answers through your viewing them (which gives me courage for my Wednesday viewing). It's lovely how your husband is looking out for you. It occurs to me that maybe he previewed the photos first to get his own shock and grief out of the way so that he could be there for you and not have his own stuff to contend with when you needed to be the focus of his concern.
The police report did mention a note in his pant pocket with only instructions of what to have done with his remains, but that report was not released to me until two months later, after an investigation was completed. It requested he be cremated and thrown into the Talkeetna River. I was glad I did not receive it in time! I would have been so sad to have sprinkled all of his ashes in a river that would have flowed far away from me.
Instead, he received a military funeral and interment, with honors, at Fort Richardson national cemetery, so, thankfully, I have a concrete place to go to. I did, however, hold back some of his ashes--to share with his father and one special grandmother (who both live out of state) to conduct their own special remembrance rites. So then, when I discovered his written request, I thought, "Good! I'm glad it happened the way it did (after the fact), or I may have rebelled against his last wishes." I will honor his request though, and take the remaining ashes to the river, and I have invited his dad and his grandma to attend.
I see from your profile that your son, too, served in the military?
Hi Deb, thank you for your message. Did you receive your package with photographs yet? It must be so anxiety producing for you! Just 2-1/2 more days before I receive my son Charles' two bags full of his belongings. I read somewhere that 80 or so percent of people who die by suicide, contrary to popular belief, do NOT leave suicide letters. Part of me wishes for one, and the other part dreads finding one. My understanding is that people affected by paranoid schizophrenia have very distorted perceptions and realities, and that not receiving a letter would almost be a blessing. However, part of me still longs for a personal message from him, but I know that it might be distorted and hurtful. I'm very conflicted over this. I will be relieved to have my younger son Robert there with me for whatever revelations might come to light. I realize that whatever I learn I will not be able to reverse, so I will have to remember that if there is distortion, that it was the disease that made it so. Our challenges are different, but in a way, similar, in our need for every piece of available information, helpful or hurtful. And who's to say just because it's hurtful that it isn't also helpful?
Deborah, I sent u an email thru personal email. this is in reply to us being on the friends list now. let me know if you get it.
ps. I am so sorry that you are not into this as far as my husband and I, and want to say things get easier to deal with, but it also never goes away, and if it does I cant wait to get to that point. I have a cousin thru my mom, who both are 81, and he told me not to let her death consume me!!! oh it has. But his child he told me, passed from a blood disease over 50 yrs ago. He would have been around my age. I know I wont be around 50 yrs from now, I'm 58 now, lol. So, somewhere in the far away future, time will heal. I am waiting.
Hi Deborah, I thought I would transfer our conversation over here. Yeah, I've asked Charles' younger brother Robert to go with me, age 23, very centered young man. He and my daughter (age 33, in St.Louis) have been such a comfort and strength to me throughout this time. I don't know of anybody else, however, that I would want to attend with me, but them. It is very personal, you know? I like them to go with me sometimes to be together at Charles' grave site, but sometimes I need to be there with him, alone. In my grieving, sometimes I want to share it with them, and sometimes it feels so intimate I need to do it in private. I had asked Robert to take photos of his brother for me when we had the family visitation of Charles' body before cremation. I still haven't asked to look at them but know that I have them should I want or need to see them. At this point in time, I'm sort of now dreading getting his things back. Two months ago, I was very eager to have anything and everything asap, but now, with it being almost 3 months since his death, I'm feeling ambivalence and anxiety about it. I guess I'm afraid it's going to send me right back to the beginning of my grief again, with all its intensity. At the same time, I have a great need to know and see everything, just like you.
hi deborah, yeah, nobody brings up dusty here either. when i do bring dusty up, nobody says anything...it would be so helpful if someone would actually have a conversation with me about my beatiful son... hugs, valerie
Dearest Deborah, I know what you mean by wanting to hear your child's name. I find that I either hear it too little or too much. I am Gavin's grandmother. He was an only child and my daughter a single mom. She still cannot move after 5 months. She too is looking for some sign/dream to bring Gavin closer to her. She doesn't believe in G-d and neither do I, never did. We can only be angry at others and ourselves that we didn't keep Gavin here with us. But I truly believe that life deals us what may come, bad things happen to good people for no "reason" . The quality of our lives will be determined by how we respond to the things that occur. Please take some deep breaths and know that we are all here for you and each other. Lots of good thoughts from me to you, Ilona
dearest deborah, God bless you for the job you have. you are a very special person to be able to handle your job. the day l lost my dusty, i went to the house he was at immediately after "the call". they would not let me see him, when they wheeled him out on the gurnee, all i could do was see his beautiful face. i could not touch him, kiss him,hold him....nothing... i cannot talk anymore because i just dont want to relive that day today. his birthday was this week and i am not doing well. love, valerie
dear deborah. dusty has been gone now 1 yr 10 months. he was my only child. his father was never a part of his life (by his fathers choosing) i stayed married to his dad for 14 years, things never changed. so, it was me and my dusty. we were very close. i too, feel angry at God off and on. i am not sure if that feeling will ever really go away. i joined a church- BECAUSE if i had not, i surely would NOT have any will to live without dusty. i barely have the will now, so close to just giving up. i appreciate you sharing with me deborah. i may have just rambled on here. hugs to you, valerie
dear deborah. i read your post about that you no longer believe in God. when i lost my only child, dusty, it will be 2 years on aug 28 , i was so angry at God, i hated him ... i was going to church before dusty passed, then quit. i no longer wanted to live. i have had little to none support through all of this. i had no where to turn, if i was to live. a friend of mine, referred me to a pastor that would counsel me for free. i hesitated, but needed someone to talk to. after that first time i met with the pastor, i knew that church was were i wanted and needed to be. i turned my life over to God and he has saved my life and given me a purpose and a reason to live. my son would not have wanted me to give up on life. i have found peace now, not all the time, i have alot of real bad days but i see the pastor 1 a week and attend church there. the people there have been so loving and caring. i sincerely pray that you find peace in your journey. hugs, valerie
It has helped me to vent about it... I can talk to the parents here so much easier than my family. I am supposed to be OK for my family and not let them see the pain to try and save them from feeling bad for me.. Well we all feel bad for each other and it is totally accepted!!!! We are all in the same boat. Please know we care and come here as often as you need to. Your friend in this pain and journey,
Deborah, my son officially passed on the afternoon of Nov 17, 2010 but we did not find him until the afternoon of the 17th. He lived in his own apartment and did not show up for work at noon that day. At about 3:30 the police unlocked my son's apartment and my family's nightmare began. It's just so unreal.
Today I helped a friend move into his new house. His wife's sister lost their 24 y.o. daughter from an valentine's day auto accident. I was talking to the grandparents about my loss and how it devestated me. The young lady's parents eventually showed up. They knew about my loss and I knew about theirs. Not much had to be exchanged because we all knew what each other was going through.
I also had a birthday since my son's death and my wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary on June 20th. I don't know if we'll really be celebrating but we do lean on each other and it make's it a little more bearable when you have a partner to share in your loss. Take care !
Deborah....Believe me what you are going through we all have and still, at least I know I still am...the memory, trying to sleep, the pain..everything you said. My daughter, Jennifer, was 29 yrs old when she died on New Year's Eve from a fire in our home...I couldn't get her out. It has been 3 yrs 4 1/2 weeks and I'm still wondering what am I suppose to be doing. I feel very lost at times, confused at times and that half of my heart that was ripped out that night isn't healing. I am so sorry about your son. You have come to the right place. Everyone here has been so helpful....you realize you are not going crazy and you are not alone, even though that is how we feel. You can come on here and just read or if you need to vent or comment do what feels right to you. There is no wrong way here. Wishing you some peacefulness (I know, easier said than done)...Linda, Jennifer's mom
When my son passed he was in the process of taking the physical exam for the Columbus, Ohio police dept. He'd graduated from Ohio State Univ. with a degree in criminology. He's goal was to be a police detective.
I have two sisters that are nurses and your son was going into a really rewarding career field. Like my son, the hard time in school was for naught. Two very goal oriented young men and they are snatched in the beginning of their adult lives. I just don't get it. There are murders, rapist and child molesters running the streets and our son's are the ones taken away. May be Billy Joel was right. May be the good die young.
You may have mentioned but I did not catch how your son passed. Was it an accident? I have my son's b-day coming up on the 31st. Just like the year he was born, it'll end up being the Tuesday after Memorial Day. Thanks for sharing your story. It really helps to know that when it's all said and done, I have a place to vent with others that know how I feel. Take care!
Deborah, I lost my oldest son November 18, 2010. He was 27 and passed from an aortic aneurysm. His funeral was the day before Thanksgiving and needless to say, my holidays were more than terrible. i just hit the 6 month mark, but who's counting ...right?