Connie Citrola's Comments

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At 7:12am on September 10, 2011, Carol Kunnerup said…

Connie, it has been a while since I have been here. *talking* to you gave some comfort. this club, the club no one wants to be in, is the place we can speak freely of our pain. it is where our 'crazy' is understood. I do feel crazy sometimes. the grief is so heavy. i spend most days thinking she is busy, kind of peripheral vision. When I focus though, I have to see that she is not going to visit or call. and those times I feel like I cannot handle myself. like I have fallen into a deep dark well and there is no way out. there are plenty of people to help, but they look helplessly on, not knowing how to help. i fear for my younger daughter and son. In their search for a life without their big sister I know they come upon the same types of days. I don't know how to help them when I cannot even help myself. And my mother, she is alone with three dogs, but she is far and I know her bad days are really bad. she also has the loss of my father 40 years ago and the losses of her parents, my grandparents, 10 and 12 years ago. I don't know how she does it. she doesn't talk about it much, but I know it is there. 

Connie, I am sending out comforting thoughts and wishes for the memories to keep you warm-

At 5:00pm on April 26, 2011, Acquanetta Collier said…
Thanks for your kind words. Mothers Day isespecially hard. No one to give to or receive from. My siblings and nieces are there for me but it just isn't the same.
At 11:40am on March 27, 2011, Pam Brooks said…

Hi Susan,

Thank you so much for your comments. 

At 11:40am on March 27, 2011, Pam Brooks said…

Hi Susan,

Thank you so much for your comments. 

At 8:15pm on January 19, 2011, Anne Bowe said…
Connie - how happy she looks! I have been i n therapy for 6 years this April = the month she was murdered - also take lots of meds - I just can feel myself coming apart if I miss a dose. Guess that is never going to change! And I would love to have you as a friend!
At 3:15pm on August 15, 2010, Carrie L said…
Connie wow you have such a changed life now. I love that photo of your daughter. I have some great ones of my son. I really kind of look away it is still so hard to believe. I hate it. YOu have some really good memories which should give you great pleasure when the pain is not there which I am sure it is constantly. A group of gals is a great thing. So much death and loss is a horrible tragedy something that really is life altering. I am the only one with this loss of a child. How did I get to be the one. I am thankful it wasn't sooner but I sure could have been gone first so I didn't know about it that would be better. Life goes on. Our selves and our children are in danger every day. I hope you are ok. where are you? I am in Kentucky I was hoping to meet someone close. for there is no compassionate friends here. there is in lexington. but it is too far. I talk to a gal in florida. she is in a great deal of pain. our children were both 24. she lost her baby i lost my first born. both tragic and sad as your child.I am so sorry. didn't you always think it was someone elses problem? i did.... I feel like a bad mom cause I had things to do and make up for that I never got a chance. Carrie L
At 9:18am on August 15, 2010, Carrie L said…
Hi Connie sorry for your loss. life is not the same is it? I feel the sadness all the time and want to smoke ciggarettes to change the thought process yesterday I didn't smoke any so today I won't either. I don't want to ruin my health either but the pain is so constant and the thoughts i don't think he would want me to think about his death the way i do. but i cannot help it. carrie L
At 7:20am on June 25, 2010, Kathleen Gainey said…
Thank you so much for writing me back. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Your words are so encouraging. It is amazing how finding people who share in your feelings can help lift your spirits. Continue to pray for me and I, of course, will continue to pray for you and all the members of this wonderful support group.
At 3:35pm on February 21, 2010, Carol Kunnerup said…
Connie,

I can see that we do have similar experiences. I went through that, too, where my crying changed quite a bit. I am back to crying each day. Little things come back and kind of ''stab'' me. I have gone from one extreme to another. she is on my mind each day.
my daughter and grandson chose not to move with us. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew I could not be the mom she needed. I would have hovered over her and overprotected her and would have probably ruined our relationship. We talk on the phone nearly each day, at first each day, then a little less. We use skype. it is awesome. I went to her when she called, when my grandson was 11 days old and helped for 3 weeks. Then we brought her and her boyfriend and baby over here for a nice long summer vacation last summer. and this year we are going there for 3 weeks. Lets her grow up. It seems like a cop out or running away, but it really is not. sometimes i feel wicked guilt, but i know me and the way we were all so close, I just would have suffocated her. I know it. Her dad lives in MT too. And I was with her each day, by phone, it was the best I could do for her. we collect angels for her sister--they were so close, so close, like 2 peas in a pod and oh they love their little brother. i had the perfect family. i did. i feel guilty right now, because i still have so much but I can not feel like it is a perfect family without her. I know that is not fair to the others, but i don't know how to fix it in my head.
better go to bed now. gonna journal for a bit first.
good night.
and thank you for being there Connie.
carolk
At 1:45am on February 20, 2010, Carol Kunnerup said…
Connie, that poor little girl. it must be too much for her all at once, and at such a young age. Kids do seem to cope with things much differently than adults. I don't think it is easier by any means, they just do it in lots of little chunks, my son was 7 and my daughter 15 when their older sister left. they have their moments and we just cry together, remember together and wish her back together, love her together.
Do you ever feel like you are talking about her on, I am not sure how to explain it, but on a different level than you feel? like, I can tell people about her sometimes and be like on the third floor where it does not make me in agony cause the agony is on the first floor. I am not in touch with the true feelings of what this has done to me sometimes. I just can't be, it destroys me.
I went to the doctor this past fall. I was low. I was crying each and every day. I was lost and lower than ever. Having vivid dreams of a big red truck coming toward me and I decided to swerve into that lane and let the pain be gone. i begged and begged for help. the doctors here in Denmark were not a lot of help, let me tell you. I worked and worked and worked my way out of that. It was hard and I just kept thinking of my kids and my husband to keep a hold on sanity. I don't want to die, I just need a break from the pain to go on sometimes, but there is no break. and gosh, I know she would want me happy. Happy was when my family was whole, so waht is this? I want to be happy. I want to honor her life. i want her. I just go back over our conversations and I want more of them with her. I want new pictures. I want her to be happy and living. It is so hard, as you well know. We did not always have an easy relationship--perhaps we were too much alike. We knew exactly how to make each other crazy and we knew how much we love each other and how important family is. the teenage years were tough, she wanted to be free and I wanted to keep her safe. i was looking forward to the times where we would get along again and now I will never get that. I miss her so much.
Connie, I better go. It was a nice vacation and I cried each day wanting my WHOLE family with, it was one of my dreams. I am happy to have had my son and husband, they are no less important than the girls. And we had some very wonderful experiences. I just think you know what I mean, when I say the whole family together is awesome.
take care.
carol k.
At 7:00pm on February 19, 2010, Lorretta D'Amico said…
Thanks connie. My heart aches everyday and a piece is gone. I knew the problems my duaghter Rebeccca had. She had become addicated to pain medications during health problems. The Drs. just kept giving them to her even though they knew she had a problem. I think that's what she died from but even the medical examiner is stumped. I don't have a death certificate yet. She had a strange procedure done on her feet the day she passed away. They injected alcohol into her feet to deaden the nerves. Maybe that had somthing to do with it. I have read all kinds of books on grief, I journal every night and attend a grief group. But I still feel like my heart is going to explode when I try to be strong. Then I cry not thinking I will ever stop. Little things in converstion upset me and set me off. I miss her so much and just want to pick up the phone and call her. I am so sorry about your loss and I know i will never get over it just maybe one day be able to deal with it.
At 2:01pm on February 19, 2010, Carol Kunnerup said…
Connie, for me, I was not angry for the longest time. I do have flairs of it though. It is difficult for me to tell exactly that unless I am in it. We seem to be going through a lot of the same things. I am so sad that we are meetinglike this but in a weird, painful way, it is comforting to know I am not alone in these feelings and experiences. I hope you understand. Take care. I just got home from a little vacation and am pooopppped. chat more later.
At 4:06am on February 15, 2010, Carol Kunnerup said…
Connie, what I can remember about that time shortly before Raechel left, was that there were lots and lots of my favorite shows that kept showing the loss of children. It was in my head a lot. I also had images or thoughts about Rae leaving. It made me feel for a long time, even now sometimes, that I chose her to leave. I can see most times, now, that it was my intuition. I have had several several intuitions over my life time. They are not uncommon, but I could not accept this. And especially since I did not feel that my daughter might need me at the time of her leaving, I have sort of shut it off. I know I have and I am just not who I was without that girl, though there are so many wonderful things in my life.
I have to tell you that my concentration and motivation is still not what it was and my life is speeding and yet standing still as the date moves forward to the 3 anniversary of her passing. I live far from where she left and so I do not see her as gone, she is somewhere doing something. Thinking about the reality is too much. I keep things on a different level so I can function.
I have started writing a journal and wow. It is helping me a lot in reaching my feelings about this.
I am very glad you told me about your psychic experience, even tho mine was different, it was the same. It really solidified it for me. I was feeling so guilty about ''choosing'' my beautiful girl.
well, I am glad to meet you even though I wish it were not here. I am certain you understand.
carol
At 9:06pm on February 14, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Kathy, thank you so much for your condolences. It really helps to "talk" with other people who have gone through the same thing. People can imagine what it's like to lose a child but until you actually experience it, you can't know how heart wrenching it really is. It changes you forever... Jon sounds amazing with his determination and personality. Ilove your tribute to him. When I read about how Melissa touched so many lives and she loved life so much even though she was suffering with her ulcerative colitis. She did pack a lot of living in her 30 years on earth. She loved to travel. She was such a giving person. When her friends post things about her on facebook, it makes me cry but the tears are both of pride and sadness. Everyday she is in my thought which makes me cry or a song that reminds me of her does the same thing. It seems that I can't move out of the sadness stage. It's only been 15 months but I don't see me moving on. I function but my memory has gotten worse. I can't concentrate on things like I used to. I am hoping that is only temporary but am not so sure about that. I'm glad that Tami started this group too. My therapist thinks it's a good idea too. My best always...
At 7:42pm on February 14, 2010, Kathy Mook said…
Connie,(and Carol), I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your daughters. I know about trips to the hospital and feeling it to be almost "routine". My 37 yr old son Jon, had Cerebral Palsy from birth and was in and out of the hospital his whole life. Mostly from trying to crawl and hitting his head on something and needing a couple of stitches. In his last 3yrs he went several times to get help for depression and rage, which was later diagnosed as BiPolar disorder. He was just getting adjusted to his meds and starting to come alive again and laughing and talking to us again. So when we got the call that he was in the hospital it wasn't real alarming. The message we got was that he choked on some food but he was ok. So I continued to stay at work. My daughter and I were off a little early that day and went out for a late lunch. Then I got a call from an ICU social worker telling me that we needed the have a family meeting. I missed the "ICU" part and thought,"we've been down this road before. Maybe they didn't give him his meds and he's lashing out at them". Then I got to the hopital and found out he was brain dead. It was horrifying. He was my oldest of 4 sons, and the one that shared my faith. I also lost my 3rd son, Noah, at the age of 7wks. to SIDS 28yrs ago. So I am no stranger to grief. I'm so glad that Tami started this group so we could all try to console each other and lean on each other. I have my 3 living adult children and my 2 1/2 yr old granddaughter living with us but none of them want to talk about Jon or share the grief that I know we all feel. I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry for why. Hugs of Hope. Kathy
At 1:15pm on February 13, 2010, Carol Kunnerup said…
Connie, I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds like she sure did light up the world.
the pain, I just wonder if it will ever end, or if I want it to sometimes. I lost my beautiful girl, she was 18, and did not have time to live out all her dreams, which I am so so sorry for. She, too, was someone who could suck all the air out of the room when she entered, all eyes were on her, not just because of her shining beauty but also because of her sparkling and mischievous personality. I, too, have a daughter, living in Montana, that I am far, far from, and her son, my grandson. I wish that she had her sister and he his auntie. She was in a motorcycle accident the night of the day she moved back into our home. I just don't know how I will get over this either. I just don't know if I want to. I want to be hopeful for the future because of all that I still have, I just don't know where I will find the energy sometimes. We are in the same sad boat in several issues. I hope for your comfort.

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