I have not been communicating for some time, but have moved to Las Vegas to be near my sister, and I did it mainly as I was wearing my sons out with my grief. I did not bother them with it, and tried to be upbeat when I talked to them, but they know me well enough to know I am suffering. I allso thought moving would help, but I, as I said before packed my grief in a box and brought it along. I truly am trying to make a go of it here, and have a decent home but as ungrateful as it sounds, it means nothing to me. I feel like I am only existing not living and I am perversely happy when another week goes by. I WANT TO GO HOME! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO BE WITH TROY SOON OR I WILL LOSE MY MIND TO GRIEF.
I do hope that some of you will have come to some measure of joy in your lives again,
Love and prayers to all.. And hugs too, hug, I hear are good.
I am so sorry to hear about your step-dad and pass on to your Mother that I am praying for her. I do not know why life is so hard, especially as we/I get older and am much more vulnerable. I cried yesterday like it was the very first day and it was, in a way, kind of shocking as I do not have a clue as to what set it off. I go to the stores we went to and I wear my big dark sunglasses and cry the whole time I am in there as I see so many older couples and I do know that also is like a knife in my heart. I have a friend whose husband passed away 4 years and I asked her if she still had moments of unmitigated joy and she, without so much as a heartbeat told me Never! That it has not all been horrible, but the joy and that special sense of happiness died with her husband, and I feel exactly the same way and from what I hear that is not unusual. I wish I could give you some pearls of hope and wisdom, but my dear, I have none. Like I said before I am hanging on and wishing I could just let go.. Although my thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless and I pray that He comforts you and your Mother. Elaine Richmond
Dear Pam, sorry I have not answered you in so long, but it has been a tortuous few weeks! I start out having a fairly good day, but it always ends in tears and heartache. I pray every night for God to take me home. What good is a 70 year old woman what kind of plan could He possibly have for me? I know I question too much and believe me I am not mad at God, I just cannot conceive why I could not have gone home with Troy. All of my children are grown and have their own lives and families, and I know that they love me and want what ever I want but I do not know what I want except to be going Home.
I hope to hear that you are doing better.
God's Blessing on you my dear.
Pam, I just got back from my daughters. I stayed over the 4th and my birthday. I didn't want to go but I hadn't seen her new house and she was urging me to visit. Not that I didn't want to see her, just didn't want to leave home. Next time I'll know not to stay so long. It was a hard trip, driving myself to and from the airport, a two and a half hour drive from home, having to deal with heavy suitcases, etc.
When I got on your page to respond, I noticed you talked about approving the design on your husband's headstone. I just got a call telling me Jim's stone would be placed next Thursday. That just seems too final, it will be the last thing I can do for him. I don't know how I can go to the cemetery and see it. I haven't had a really bad day like this for a couple weeks and I thought I was doing so good. Jim just passed on April 8, only a little over 3 months. I have no choice but to handle this also.
Today is 4 months since Bob passed. The weekend was hard. The holiday plus him being gone. I used to love this time of year and now all I can think of is that I wish the summer was over. I can't even sit outside without him. When he wasn't sick we sat outside all the time. Sometimes just talked about everything we could think of, other times just sat there enjoying the quiet with only the birds in the back ground. I pray that he can hear me talking to him and his is ok. I will always love him.
Today I approved the final design on Bob's headstone. I will be glad when it is done. My heart still aches that I even had to do that. That I now have to visit his grave to talk to him. It shouldn't have been now, it wasn't his time yet to leave me. I have to think that he no longer is suffering and is at peace taking deep breaths. I miss you my love. You will be my one and only true love.
What ever you think ,don't ever doubt ,that Bob loved you!!I know that for a fact.one day I will explain to you what I know ,but you are loved & he loves you even now & would never think other wise.
Please call me when you have bad times we can work thur them,I find it better after I talk to you ,so keep that in mind.
The week-end is coming & I know it is hard but I will be here .if you need.
today another hard one. Now it seems there are more bad then good. The ache in my heart is sometimes hard to bare. I can't get through the day acting like I'm ok. It wears me out. I talk to Bob, and hope he hears me and knows how much I love him.
The days are getting harder and harder. All the things I should be doing are starting to work on me. Don't know why I can't make myself do the normal everyday things. I miss the simple things Bob did for me. I hope he is watching over me and knows how much I love him.
Hi Pam, I'm so sorry you were having a bad day, they do sneak in there.I am so greatfull for all the years we had to make all the memories that I now have to get me through this process. I hope you will have a better day today and many more God Bless,Virginia
Hi Pam, glad to hear from you and I couldn't believe when I read how old you were and are now.We met when I was 18 and he was 27 and now I'm 51 wow. he was 59 when he passed, he use to laugh thinking we were together longer then we were with our familys and of course when I turned 30 he said it was time to trade me in for a younger one lol I told him go ahead you won't find one better. Mike quit going out probally the last yr. he was alive only for DR. app. because he didn't like the way people would look at him because he needed to use the motorized chairs, there was no talking him into going. I'm glad he didn't get to the last stages of the emphysema, he had a massive heart attack at home. I am so glad I was here with him not that it did any good but I don't think I could have handled it if I were gone ok lets stay in touch. Virginia
Pam,I guess you are right,today was rough,& saturday is Dick's birthday,Sunday is 4 mo.so these next few days are on my mind.We'll just have to keep each other up! I know talking to you does help.Thanks for being there,
Hi Pam,I'm glad you wrote back I'm also glad you talked to your Dr.You are going to get thru this, you probally won't be the same person you were before. I don't think anyone who has lost a spouse is ever the same. The pain we feel the gut renching pain and the overpowering feeling of wanting to die because you can't get live without them, and having no energy or desire to get out of bed, is all part of the greiving process. You mentioned about you thinking you could have taken better care of him, I'm sure you did the best possable.My husband Mike had been sick for 10 yrs. with emphysema, he wasn't bed fast but didn't get around to good for the last 3 yrs. he was going down fast. I took total care of him and he always told me he didn't know what he would do without me. The last yr. I became disabled and that really frightened him. It is natural to second guess yourself.You will find that one minute your fine then the next your crying your eyes out I always said I was taking it one second at a time because you really are it feels like it will never end, it dosen't it gets easier to deal with. We were together 32 yrs. All the first are very hard to get thru but you will in your own way, don't let anyone push you to do things you don't feel like doing. Like I said it's been 13 months for me and I'm just getting to where I can go a day or so without crying, but I'm always thinking about him or things we used to do or places we went. We all are here for you if you need us I still come here first thing when getting on the computer even if I don't post I read others. Write me anytime I will get back as soon as possable. Virginia
Hi Pam, It has bareley been 3 months for you, don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. 3 months is not that long for you to grieve and what your feeling is normal.Everyone will have a different time frame for their grieving.I lost my husband 13 months ago and I still have days that are horriable.Give yourself time, only you will know when to move to the next phrase of learning to live without your husband. You might need to talk to your Dr. You didn't mention how your husband passed, if you would like to talk write me anytime. Stay on this site it has really helped me. I am truely sorry for your loss. None of us wanted to be in this position but we can get through it together. Virginia