cindy i am so sorry for your loss it was meant for you to be on this website because all of us are going thru this horrible time: i thought you were on this site for quite awhile maybe i was mistaking oh well. this site helps everyone because it is a place you can vent out on and no one to judge you. i to do not have a computer at home when george passed i gave it to the kids i am no good on computers ellen from this website is really good with computersshe did me a favor with george picture she put a poem so everyday i can look at the picture of him and the poem. stay in touch

Hello Cindy,So glad you popped by today. I have written notes before too and then deleted them. So frustrating. Sorry that happened to you but glad you took the time to rewrite to me. You sound like you are quite a busy being. That can be a really good thing however please do take care of Cindy by allowing those tears to spill out. I know how I can be when I go to certain places and tell my story or emotions. Somehow a mask comes over the tears and they stuff inside me and I burst uncontrollably worse at home by myself and think I am losing my mind. This site is a real savior to me. I feel comfortable with certain people and you are one of them. Thank you. Bible study and the hospice sound like perfect places to have more healing take place. I am glad you got to visit Roger at the cemetery today. I would have cried to find the precious wreathe blown over. I am so sorry it is difficult for you to go visit the cemetery. Truly Roger will forever be with you no matter whether you get there often or not.
My day was filled with tears on and off. I wish it would stop. I changed the darn sheets last night and didn't sleep a wink. Felt like I got rid of Doug. Had to convince myself the sheets were what he slept on top of the bed was where he slept. That didn't do it. His scent was gone. I did save an unwashed pillow case of his in a zip lock bag. Have I lost my mind. I know so. I wonder if I will sleep at all tonight or not until I cry myself tired enough. Healing eh? Ok...I feel worse. I kept replaying the moment Doug took his last breath today. I don't know why. That was new. It only kept me crying. I have hope and faith and am still here and staying in the moment. The sun will shine again.
Stay in touch. Sorry for all my bad days.
HUGS. Ellen~

Hi Cindy, always grateful to hear from you. Today was another day of the slumps for me but I just am trying to stay in the moment. Sometimes I get so disgusted how sad I feel. I don't like to always say how badly I feel but then again stuffing it makes me want to disappear. You sound like things are a bit more tolerable today than they have been the last couple of days. I am glad cause Roger would want that and I believe he smiles down on you extra on those good moments. I do hope you are able to go to the cemetery with the wreathe for Roger. I don't have a place to visit Doug cause the county cremated him. I have yet to pick up his remains from the funeral home. I am still waiting for one of Doug's friends to go with me to pick him up to bring him home. It is pretty far and I am so emotional I need the support. I do know that his remains are safe at the funeral home. I spoke with them. I hope I can handle having just his remains here...I miss his hugs and HIM. You said you didn't have a computer at home, if you ever need the support to chat I would be glad to share a phone number. You let me know. Glad you joined a bible study group to get out and meet some people. The homework may help you too. Sometimes I need things to make me think. BTW as far as fb. I am on facebook for a few of my students and a few friends but I tend to spend more time here. :)
I do hope that your evening is peaceful and that Wednesday brings some sunlight into your heart. HUGS ...Ellen

Hi Cindy, I think the numbness is wearing off. It doesn't help that winter is here. Snow , bitter cold, Christmas, etc. Signed up for a support group today, but it doesn't start until Jan. 20. The therapist said she would meet with me one on one if I wanted to, maybe I will. The only problem is that it's held at the site that Jim went for his radiation treatments. The therapist remembered Jim and I, said she didn't know that Jim had passed. Don't know if going there will help or hurt me. Thanks for listening and being there. Take care.

Hi Cindy, So good to hear from you tonight. I am glad the weekend wasn't as lonely for you as usual. For me it was really empty and sad...missed Doug so much. Cried my heart out at times. Did write some grief poems as I call them. It is supposedly healing to write by hand so I am willing to go to any length since the pain is so intense both emotionally for me and lately more physically as well. The cold doesn't help the physical pain for me. I did go to my grief group tonight and it was actually a bit better for me cause there was a new person who lost her husband nearing a year ago. I felt more in common with her. Next week the leader will be out of town and she forgot the homework assignment today. That is OK she is human. Very small group. Still only three people. Small can be good. I cried through much of me having to tell my story tonight. Darn it seems more painful lately. The leader told me I NEEDED to change my sheets. She said put the pillow cases in a plastic bag but to change the sheets. I know, I am just so stuck. I shared all that. I feel so lost. Enough of me. How are you taking care of Cindy? I know you say you are overwhelmed, but what are you doing special for you? Wish you lived closer and we could take up a "creative" hobby. I really just love to play on the computer. Any creative in me is from teaching and from Doug teaching me to have an eye for designing. That was what he did ...he was an Interior Designer...and a musically talented one. I have no musical talent except to listen to music and used to be enjoy it. Everything is dull these days. I don't have any plans for the holidays or invites. I will drink coffee and look out the window and maybe write if I am up to it. Please know You are in my thoughts and prayers. Do look forward to hearing from you whenever you are able. HUGS.Ellen~

Cindy, wanted to leave you a note of hugs and let you know you are thought about today. I know it is the weekend and harder time for you so I am sen ding extra prayers my friend. I too had a rough one. Wrote a few poems of my own making on grief. Always helpful to try and express those feeling for me with pen and paper. Just feeling really tired on top of all the pain both emotional and physical for me. Probably weather going to change AGAIN. Just trying to stay in the moment. Look forward to hear how you are doing. HUGS. Ellen~

Cindy, wanted to leave you a note of hugs and let you know you are thought about today. I know it is the weekend and harder time for you so I am sen ding extra prayers my friend. I too had a rough one. Wrote a few poems of my own making on grief. Always helpful to try and express those feeling for me with pen and paper. Just feeling really tired on top of all the pain both emotional and physical for me. Probably weather going to change AGAIN. Just trying to stay in the moment. Look forward to hear how you are doing. HUGS. Ellen~

Hi Cindy,
I am so sorry to hear that you are bogged down with more job responsibilities. I agree that is the last thing you need piled up on your plate. All I ever did with more job duties were try to hum through them all and make the tasks lighter. Silly. Sometimes when I am so overwhelmed and out of my head I hear a song Doug hummed or WHISTLED. Bet if you think of it as Roger doing that it might lighten the load. Just a thought. I feel those darn CRAZY feelings too. We aren't crazy, just grieving souls that have lost our minds. :P Yes, the weekend is here again. I hate days without Doug so I gotcha. I am so lost without Doug. I found myself turn to where he sat on the couch last night and ask him something. I did get out today to get my shots at the MD for my fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue. I try to do that weekly can't afford it bi-weekly any longer.
I am wearing the tens unit for pain today too. I take two steps and hurt like mad. The tens unit eases it just a bit. So my outing today consisted of going to buy the bird her treat stick and then to stop at a DSW shoe store to look at sneakers. Mine are in horrid shape and Doug was urging me to get new ones a bit back. The time is overdo. It is just so difficult cause I have a leg shorter and need to have a lift of 1 inch attached to the right shoe and not all are able to. I look for a good shoe cause the life itself costs $65. and the shoe/sneaker MUST last and be supportive. I walk with a cane too.
When I came out of the shoe store, no didn't find a pair, it was dark and suddenly I realized where I was. I was across the street where Doug had worked at an Ethan Allen's and all the area was lit for Christmas. It was where we always went to see the lighting. I looked up at the sky and there was one very bright star. I knew it was Doug. I cried , got in my car and drove home fast as I could.
You are in my prayers. Love hearing from you. Hope your evening is tolerable and you get a good night rest.
Hugs, Ellen

Thanks Cindy for letting me know I have not lost my mind with the sheet saga. I hesistated to share that with anyone cause I thought I was nuts for sure. You asked if I read ...if I could stay in one place long enough to concentrate on one thing. I do best on the Internet cause I can flip about. Guess I am just FLIPPANT. Yes I am still giving that grief support group a try. I figured it could be me and where I am at and I have only been twice. The good thing is it does get me out of the apt for a few hours. I now have to face eating today. I don't even like what I buy to eat anymore. Popcorn is my staple but haven't had any of that yet either today. Hope you get some rest tonight so your day tomorrow has possibilies of become brighter. You always make my day brighter. Thanks. HUGS Ellen~

Hi Cindy - Just wanted to pop by and see how you're doing. I'm hanging on, but the season's first snowfall is on its way (I'm in Chicago), and because I walk with canes, that's always a depressing event, makes it so hard to get around. Now, without Steve here to help... I have neighbors to shovel the stuff off the walk, thank goodness, but still... Dark, cold, snowy, and the oh-so-jolly (not) holidays into the bargain. I've had some rough days in the past two or three weeks, fortunately interspersed with some slightly less rough ones, or I'd be a basket case. Had to scream at my doctor's office yesterday... I seem to become unhinged more easily these days. Shopping for holiday gifts just makes me miss Steve even more.

I believe we'll all get through this, but is sure is no picnic, is it? I hope you're hanging in there, and I'm sending hugs.

Cindy so good to hear from you. I guess busy at work can be good for the mind at times. I sometimes just welcome busy but then I tend to get so lost in ALL the busy things I am doing at once or have you, MULTI MULTI tasking I forget what I started to do and just sit down and cry and miss Doug. What a cycle. I didn't sleep much last night at all. I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin being without Doug. I was in a great deal of physical pain which is part of the territory for me dealing with degenerating hip and spine among other things. I am anti pain meds cause they are so addictive and wear off and then I am even more miserable. I just try to stretch and use heat and grit my teeth for the most part. Today I am struggling with when will I ever become unparalyzed about washing the bedsheets. I have a block. That is where Doug slept and those are the sheets he slept on. I sadly don't have another set. I know he would want clean sheets but they have his scent. Have I lost my mind? I was about to do it and then the thought flashed through I will be sorry and what will I be like then. A bigger mess. I know, this could be a comedy show to some but to me I am loosing my mind. If you find it, I don't think I want it back, sell it on ebay if anyone is willing to buy it and pickle it. Any suggestions other than jump out a window? Silly but that isn't as paralyzing. God I miss Doug and yes, I am lost today. So friend, I have spilled my guts. Thanks for listening. Hope you are able to hang in there today better and got some rest too. HUGS. Ellen~

Hey Cindy, Hope you are doing OK. Wanted to stop by and check on you with a hot cup of coffee and a hug of friendship.

Let me know how you are today. HUGS. Ellen

Hi Cindy, So glad as always to hear from you. By no means do I believe you will grow to be a bitter old lady, frustrated and lonely. I think it is just right where you feel you are. I know for me I have the same fear. I fear I will be forever alone and old with no one. I have no one to call in an emergency and always wonder if I were to die how long would it take for them to find me. No one would even think to look. So, I guess we all have some similar fears. I haven't gotten bitter, just really depressed about it. That is when friends like you are so helpful cause they let me too know we/ I am not alone and we are not unique in going through this. The real miracle I read on this site sometimes are how some of the people cope that have been just where we are in feeling wise and what they do that has helped. Guess that is the strength and hope that gives me faith to get out of bed and to eat some days. You are one of those friends. So I have faith that no matter how many PAINFUL days you have, the strength you offer shall be returned to you triple fold. I hope this makes sense. I also think the holidays are no friend to those of us going through the grief scene. OH my gosh, the falalalala and hussle and bussle and laughter brings on my tears even more. I can not even think to bring out any of our ornaments. We also lit the Chanukah Menorah and I can't do that either. Life just stopped the day Doug died. Today is 9 weeks. God, I was holding his hand when he took his last breathe and looked his head rolled toward me and his eyes opened half way. I let out the bloodiest scream ever. Yes, Life stopped then.
I hope tomorrow is better for you and your emotional pain lets up enough to let you crash and get some rest. If you ever want to chat let me know. You are much appreciated and not a grumpy lady of any sorts.
HUGS, Ellen~

Hey Cindy, No I don't mind you venting at all. VENT AWAY...I am here to listen and can relate . I too have done overly my share of venting and boo hooing. I just had a boo hoo session as I was journaling. Sometimes things can be fine and I know what you mean about being on short fuse. I haven't had the short fuse lately more like I flip into tears and hopelessness. I hate living like this too. The holidays without Doug just can't be happening. We collected ornaments from every place he took me too. We put our names and year on them. We celebrated holidays of joy and this is not joy. NOW WHO IS VENTING? oops sorry. I am sure your daughter understands your short fuse at times. Be kind to yourself. I know it just isn't easy to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think sometimes people think we have licked the pain. NOT FOR THIS CHICK. Just do what you can and IF you are able too is my suggestion for Christmas. I believe it will all fall in place for you. AND...keep venting away...HUGS. Ellen~