Hi Cindy - I'm sorry I missed your 9-month mark; I hope it passed reasonably peacefully for you. I really tanked over the weekend. Did fine on Thanksgiving, but a family gathering the day after - with my husband's family - just reminded me so painfully of Steve. I'm glad his relatives still treat me as a member of the family, but being with them is so bittersweet just now. And with Steve not there... he was always lively at a party, singing, playing the piano, chatting with everyone. I miss him more than I can say.

Hi Cindy, so glad to hear from you today. It must be hard with your daughter with what seems like a million miles away. Glad you have her in your life though. Went to my 2nd time at the face to face grief group. I kinda get more for this site but that does help me get out of the house. I will give it some more time. I afterall am not in the most wonderful place to want to be there anyway. I have been wanting to isolate so much and that is just not like me. I am glad for the friends here on this site. Too bad Waco wasn't closer, you could come over and I could make a pot of coffee anytime to chat over. Hope your evening is peaceful and know you aren't alone. I kinda feel lost so much lately. HUGS. Ellen

Cindy, Thanks for the note. Yes, Doug's voice did lift my spirits. Just wished I was dreaming and that it wasn't a recording. Sounds awesome free computer classes at the Goodwill. I learn by my lonesome. :) Doug used to help with the technical when I really got stuck. Now I worry. I like the creative side, not real technical savvy. How are you taking care of you today? HUGS.

Cindy, So glad to hear you were able to switch shifts with you co worker due to being so tired. I know what you mean about being brain dead all the time. I turned 53 in Aug. but somedays I feel well over 100. Today was a bit warmer and I did get to chat with a friend on the phone so that lifted my spirits a bit. The real WOW for me today was I am teaching myself about the computer on my own. Trial and error. I decided to give it a try to put together a memory video of whatever I could find on my computer as I was clearing off old files. OMG I came across the clearest recording of Doug joking around that he was reading the three bears. He was at the time I recall teaching me how to record my voice to read stories to children. I listened to the recording a million times over. I brought the bird, his bird into the room and she chirped and sang and ran about the computer desk thinking like I, HE'S HOME...It was so weird, I was flying and so uplifted that it must have been a dream and now I am waking up. I posted it on my page in a blog. Kinda silly for others but for me it is a treasure. Hope your day went well. Let me know how you are doing always. HUGS. Ellen~

Cindy, Jim was diagnosed with lung cancer last Dec. He fought so hard for 10 months. It just kept spredding. It's rough enough to go through these emotional battles, but the financial end of this is deal is garbage too. I've started the process of refinancing our home. Also waiting to see what the bank is going to do about Jim's truck. I can't afford the payments, and only Jim's name was on the loan. How was your day? It's a shame that we have to go through this, but it's nice to have friends like you. Thanks and take care.

Hey Cindy, Wanted to check in and see how you are today. I thought about you and hope today was less painful for you . You are in my prayers. Take care. HUGS. Ellen~

Hi Cindy, Thanks for listening to me. Jim and I came from small families. We have 2 daughters. The oldest is a single mom with 2 girls ages 13 and 10. The youngest just got married in March. Jim missed walking her down the aisle.3 days before her wedding, he ended up with a blood clot in his remaining lung. He spent 2 wks in I.C.U. He fought so hard to stay with us, but the cancer won. Just isn't fair. I'm sorry Cindy, just having a rough night again. Hope your day was better--- take care.

Hey Cindy, So glad to hear from you again. In your last note you gave me a chuckle, you said something to the extent , like the young people would say....gosh that makes me wonder how OLD I am sometimes. I still feel young at heart but sometimes the body and mind prove age is showing. With kids in their 20's you aren't too old yourself. We are just too young to have lost our husbands. WE all are too young too have lost ANYONE. AGE is irrelevant, none of us is OLD enough to deal with this type of pain. Thank Goodness for support groups and people we connect with. I do hope your day is a bit lighter on the heart and Roger's smiles warm your spirit. My night was full of nightmares. Kept hearing Doug and wanted to die to go to him. Had a rough time getting out of bed but figured I ought to. Coffee and seeing the sunshine should keep me grounded for a bit. Hugs to you my friend. Ellen~

Hi Cindy, So glad to hear from you today. I was just looking at the date and thinking about you, it being the 26th. Those days can be more painful at times. My prayers and heart are with you. Yes, you sound like you have a long work night ahead. Perhaps lots of coffee will help. I am a coffee person. I used to be a person that could hang all nighters easily but now I crash generally by 2 or 3 AM. I watch TMC or AMC at night. Not a TV watcher in the daytime. Yes, you are truly blessed with a daughter, son and six year old grandchild. Thanks for asking about my day, it was horrible. I don't know why but I cried about everything today and talked to Doug all day. Sadly thought what is my purpose without him and should I hang myself. That thought passed quickly when I realized I wouldn't do that. The pain is just so intense though. I guess somedays are worse than others. Take care of you too. Guess we will get through the painful days together. Let me know how you are.Hugs. Ellen~

Cindy, How was your Thanksgiving? Yesterday was rough, but I'm having a hard day today.It has been 5 wks since I lost Jim. I miss him so much, and the loneliness is horrible. Jim used to complain about being lonely when I went to the store without him (before he got sick). This is rough. I wish I could just wake up and have this just be a nightmare. Sorry Cindy, I just need someone to talk to. Take care.

Cindy, Bet you had a long day on your job today. As you said it is a job and they are so hard to come by you just have to be grateful sometimes. You said your kids are grown, how many kids are you blessed with? I only wish I had some, even one. Yes, I did miss the lighting in the Galleria. They showed it on the local news and low and behold I cried my darn eyes out. Realized I still had so much anger still at what his father said this afternoon about him saying he mourned him 25 years ago after Doug's car wreck since he was never the same. Guess I really need to pray hard on that. I miss Doug so darn much...how dare him. I wonder if I will end up losing my mind totally with statements like that. Thanks for listening. Sorry you are so lost and lonely too without your loving husband and best friend. Guess we are all here to help each other hang in there. Hugs.

Cindy, Bet you had a long day on your job today. As you said it is a job and they are so hard to come by you just have to be grateful sometimes. You said your kids are grown, how many kids are you blessed with? I only wish I had some, even one. Yes, I did miss the lighting in the Galleria. They showed it on the local news and low and behold I cried my darn eyes out. Realized I still had so much anger still at what his father said this afternoon about him saying he mourned him 25 years ago after Doug's car wreck since he was never the same. Guess I really need to pray hard on that. I miss Doug so darn much...how dare him. I wonder if I will end up losing my mind totally with statements like that. Thanks for listening. Sorry you are so lost and lonely too without your loving husband and best friend. Guess we are all here to help each other hang in there. Hugs.

Cindy, I'm sorry for your loss. We are all lost and lonely - and sometimes just plain scared. I'm glad you found this site; it certainly has helped me feel less alone. I miss my Steve terribly; I lost him suddenly, in an accident this past September. Sometimes, it still seems unreal to me that he's gone. It is very difficult to grieve for the person we shared our lives with on a daily basis. Feel free to vent, cry, whatever - I'm here. Hugs - Susan

Cindy, Thanks for the note back, closest to having a real conversation with someone who understands. No, I sadly can't work due to some physical disablities I haven't since I had back surgery. I miss my career as a Kindergarten teacher. I used to be such a people person outside and now I hate going outside and struggle. Yes, the season of make merry for most is in the air. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me. Get with it and Doug just come home. I know on one level the reality but the pain just screams out the ludicrous thoughts of Doug Come HOME. How long were you all married? We would have been married 12 years on Dec. 26th. Another day I am not borrowing pain ahead of time today. I try to stay in the minute and journal by hand daily. It is so different than typing. Realized today that I have just about used my minutes up on my cell phone and I don't have a land line so phoning folks is getting hard now. Missed the fireworks and lighting of the Galleria area tonight for the Holidays. Gosh I miss Doug...we always oo-ed and ah-ed at everything like kids. HUGS.

Cindy, I am so very grateful that you wrote. I feel such a connection with you and so many on this site cause it reminds me I am not alone. EVEN though I feel it without Doug. I am happy you were able to meet up with friends for Thanksgiving dinner. I drank lots of coffee and talked to Doug. I do agree it might be a bit easier with loving family and lots of friends about but that isn't the case for today for me either. I did phone out of respect Doug's parents and his father said it is easy for them cause Doug was in a car accident over 25 years ago and to them was never the same so they mourned him then. OMG. I wanted to be rude it hurt me so much. I asked to wish his Mom a Happy Thanksgiving and was told she was in the bathroom. I tried in respect for Doug. It has been a long and hard day. Thanks for popping by. Means a lot to have friends. HUGS. Take care of you too and know I am here to listen too. Ellen~

Cindy, I am so very grateful that you wrote. I feel such a connection with you and so many on this site cause it reminds me I am not alone. EVEN though I feel it without Doug. I am happy you were able to meet up with friends for Thanksgiving dinner. I drank lots of coffee and talked to Doug. I do agree it might be a bit easier with loving family and lots of friends about but that isn't the case for today for me either. I did phone out of respect Doug's parents and his father said it is easy for them cause Doug was in a car accident over 25 years ago and to them was never the same so they mourned him then. OMG. I wanted to be rude it hurt me so much. I asked to wish his Mom a Happy Thanksgiving and was told she was in the bathroom. I tried in respect for Doug. It has been a long and hard day. Thanks for popping by. Means a lot to have friends. HUGS. Take care of you too and know I am here to listen too. Ellen~

Cindy, Thanks so much for the note. So good to know I am not alone. I still walk around in a daze sometimes. Doug to me was my only family. He has family but they never excepted me cause I am a different religion. They told me when my Mom died 7 years ago they were sorry she went to hell cause she didn't believe like them. I just pray for them. Sad. I have one sister in Miami who has two grown children and three grandchildren that I hear from every now and then. They are more like estranged. Wish it was different. I was never blessed to have any of my own precious children. I was a teacher and loved all the children of others and their parents.
SO....yes, DOUG was my only family. He would have told you that too. Tried to go buy some apples today and saw the hussle and bussle of joy in the air and it made me so sad. I started to cry and came straight home. Glad to have an apt. to be in. You say you are working on Thanksgiving Day. Sometimes that can be a good therapy. Stop by if you feel like it and write. I will be here not sure doing what. HUGS.

Cindy, You are a blessing to me too. I need all the friends I can too. Yes, I see you are from Waco. Ironic is my dear husband Doug graduated from Baylor in Waco. Small world. Did I also read in another post that today was your birthday? If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY friend. I wish it was better. Thanksgiving I will be alone and the rest of the holidays too. The day after Christmas is our Wedding Anniversary. We would have been married 12 years. I am beside myself and cry all day long. Tomorrow will be 8 weeks that he died. I try to stay in the minute. I am here for you too. HUGS.