To Ella and all of you at Grief Support...I wanted to think of something positive to deal with losing my mom..and the feelings of longing for her, guilt, denial...and you know all the rest.
My mom Vicky passed away on December 2010..about a year and a half ago...So I decided to do this...I hope this helps some of you...perhaps you can so something similar. My mom died of colon cancer but also had macular degeneration.
Dear Sweet Friends,
Just a reminder for our get together to honor my mom, Vicky.
Thank you all for loving her and for those of you that did not know her..you would have loved her...and she would have loved you right back.
Thank you all for being there for me.
We will have cupcakes, coffee and wine and some other goodies.
If you can find it in your heart, to donate to the Macular Degeneration Foundation in her name. Vicky had to deal with this..and it broke my heart.
I know this donation would have meant a lot to her.
Here is the address:
Where to send a Donation
Macular Degeneration Foundation, Inc. P.O. Box 531313 Henderson, NV 89053
Your words to me are wonderful and comforting. I'm so like you ...yes, I need to fix everything ..even a love one's "sorry"....I couldn't have said it better.
And I want you to look at the words you have written to me..and take them to your heart for yourself, your mom and your son.
Mom knows best. You will never know how much this helps me.
Be good to yourself, sweet Ella....your mom wants you to...and ours sons are watching us...as yes they see our pain and our missing our Mommies they must see that...but they must see that we still love life and that our moms are responsible for some of that (My mom, Vicky, was always so happy and she loved people) ..and that we do go on and that we are here for them, our boys, as our moms were always there for us....
If you need to or want to chat never hesitate to email me. Again, you, Ella, have helped me express myself. I hope I have done the same for you.
Ella, I printed out & read your letter. Was your mom in an assisted living facility or nursing home, or she started out in the ALF, then suffered kidney failure & had to enter a nursing home, I think I have that right. Ella, in my personal opinion, most likely the nursing home is at fault - I'm going to give you my Juno address: firstname.lastname@example.org Please send mail to this address & we'll talk more about it. This is very difficult for me on two levels: one I went through this w/my beloved Daddy & now my own mother is in a nursing home at age 93! Very mild dementia. She's coherent, etc., but is in a wheelchair, knows what's going on, etc., etc. can feed herself, but there are problems with that nursing home that scare the hell out of me. Anyway, I called this morning to get information about a bill about 9:30 & the phone rang about 25 times before the RECEPTIONIST answered again - then she tried again, this time mom's nurse answered! I honestly don't know why it took them that long to answer the phone on a weekday morning!!!! Anyway, send maill to my Juno address, ok? Karen
Ella- I got the e-mail today and felt a warm hug through your words. I lost my mom January 5, 2012. Just like you she was my best friend. You are not alone. I am at the stage now where I do not know if I made the right decision. My mind is racing my nights are long. They tell me it gets better but I don't think I even begun. So here is a warm hug out to you!
Ella, don't ever worry about how much you say in an email. You can say as little or as much as you want to me. When the nursing home & doctors said "adult failure to thrive," it basically means she either didn't want to eat or take "treatments" as they call it in my mom's nursing home (yes, my 93 y.o. mom is in a nursing home w/VERY mild dementia), or the "treatment" wasn't working. Ella, I will print out your message later so I can put a little more thought into it. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer in Dec 2011 & have my "prep" appointment in 30 minutes so I must leave soon to go to that. However, after I read your message - I didn't want too much time to go past without you getting a reply from me. Be well, hon, hang in there, ok? Karen
I lost my mom Vicky December 24, 2010. I wasn't there for her when she died.
I was planning to spend the whole week with her. I saw her Wednesday night and spoke to her Thursday night. I felt she was going to die any moment. I had planned on spending the whole week with her because I teach and I would be off the whole week.
I had the nerve to get a manicure thursday night..after I spoke to her on the phone as she tried to speak but was unable. I told her on the phone that I love her and was coming for the week. The following morning I had to clean my apartment because I wanted to come home to a clean apt. when the week was done. She died as I was cleaning...and I wasn't there. I knew she would die at any moment and I chose to get a manicure because my nails were a mess and i wanted to feel as together as possible for the week she would die. And I was cleaning and the most precious woman in my life died without me there. The aid was there in her house....and my stepdad was upstairs..the aid was the last one I believe that my mom saw before she died. My stepfather came running down and he wasn't sure if she died before he got there or when he was there...anyway...the aid, Janice was wonderful. My mom was fond of her.
I have chosen to be denial with the last moments of her life and me being Ms. Orderly...
She got really sick around October/November and was gone by December 24th. Kind of like your mom so quickly gone...she stopped eating too.
I know how you feel..and I thank you for writing as you are helping me express my feelings which I camouflage quite a bit.
One thing I can tell you for sure I am a mother of grown sons. I am 64....and I love my two sons so, so much...that when I go...and if they are not there I would never ever want them to feel guilty..so please know that when....in fact if they were at baseball game while I was leaving this earth...that would make me very happy.
Please be good to yourself....and remember mothers never ever really leave their children.
Ella, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I lost my Daddy in November 2009 at age 94. I'm a Hospice volunteer and unfortunately, your mother died from what is known as "adult failure to thrive." It's a common Hospice term. I know that doesn't lessen the pain at all, but I was hoping I could explain it a little more so you could understand what the doctors obviously didn't explain to you. Please let me know if you want more of an understanding of what "failure to thrive" means. Ella, your mother didn't starve. I promise you that. My heart & thoughts are with you. Karen Simonetti-Russo
Ella, I 'm sorry for the loss of your mother! I too, lost my mother 11months ago! Take comfort in knowing that you're amongst support and caring people ! Surround yourself around people who care, and just know that your mom is in a better place. Time does help, but truthfully, we all deal with grief differently, it dulls the hurt, but in never really goes away! It is okay to have those feelings from time to time! Our loved ones never really leave us anyway, other than the physical form,but the bond, strength,&love will always remain! Take Care of yourself! Jennifer
Ella, so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I know you said you felt guilty, like perhaps you could have kept her from passing, but don't torture yourself with those thoughts any longer. Something similar happened with my mom, and she also failed to "thrive," which caused her demise finally, after several other issues were plaguing her. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people do just give up eating and drinking; their systems don't beg for nouishment, and they don't desire any food, sometimes don't even want to live. It is easy to blame yourself when this happens, but it is not your fault at all. I had thought that perhaps I could have prevented Mom from being this way myself, but looking back, I see it wasn't humanly possible. When people are in that state, only a miracle can keep them alive longer, and nobody keeps miracles in their back pocket. Be thankful for the times you had such a close relationship with you mother. Of course, that makes it really hurt when you have to let go of people you are really close to - the pain is deep. I pray you can find peace. It takes a while for that to happen.