Renee, I try to use as many purplish flowers as I can, always bearing you in mind. Peace, strength and courage!

Renee, Pain was not part of God's plan.Love on the other hand was. God knew that for love to exist, free will would have to also. He gave us a choice, love or hate. God knew some would choose hate and pain would inevitably follow. Pain offers opportunity for growth  God allows pain to remind us that our home isn't in this world, our real life begins in the afterlife. It's a SIN to take your own life, you wouldn't get to be with Tony and Raymond again. I'm praying for the losses you have suffered, that the pain will ease. Please ask our Lord to lighten the burden on you. I know I'm not the only one praying for you. There are many people. I try not to be sad all the time but when I am,Tami's site is where I go to say what I feel.  I pray fervently you have less sad moments in your day. I, myself, have a permanent frown on my face. Our love is so strong. Know they're alright. I pretend Candace is on the other side of the continent, no phones nor mail delivery. I believe in God, he has Candace and I'll be there WHEN GOD SAYS SO. I care a lot about you Renee, David also.

Renee, I absolutely KNOW that Bernie would not want me to be sad! That makes me smile and carry on, with Lucky, the gift that keeps on giving. I make a conscious attempt to think of Berns asking about supper, smiling at the dogs and making a joke. It is better for my health. I wish you would try.

Thanks, Renee!  I'll kill him if he isn't!

Renee, when I want to connect with my son Joe and wish I'd see him in a dream it doesn't happen. Maybe it will help you if you go to a psychic for a reading. I've seen a very lovable warm woman from Long Island, New York on television. She has helped so many people by giving them a reading of a parent, spouse and children. I've seen her go to their homes on an individual basis. This woman who has given so much peace and connection with a loved one is named:

Theresa Caputo! If you put her name in google then you would be able to learn about her and possibly have a reading with her. She is Italian and a Catholic! I don't know if that helps any but you may be able to find the communication with your beloved Tony through a medium. Theresa Caputo is very popular on the East Coast. If it's too far for you then maybe you can connect with someone where you live. Good Luck and God Bless You!

Sincerely,

Barbara

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE!! Candace and Tony are sending love to you! (it is your birthday isn't it?)

Renee, I just had one of the raisins in the gin. And noticed the bottle we bought a couple weeks ago is more than half way done. Then I asked my husband how his gout is using the golden raisins and gin. He told me his hand is better and I said: "But I thought gout is in the foot." He then said it's gotten good because he has apple cider vinegar in the morning for the gout. The golden raisins he uses for the arthritis in his hand. I am so sorry that I gave you the incorrect information. I apologize and I must say even so the raisins soaked in gin is really good.

Renee, I know you well enough to know that you were not trying to be funny. But regardless of what ever happens I always bounce back and have a good sense of humor. It just struck me funny and was able to relate to it all because of my husband and the incidents that occurred with the Merlot. I must say it is really rather good to the taste buds. Tomorrow night on Christmas Eve I am going to light a candle a sweet person gave me when I lectured to help people improve the quality of their life by losing weight. Gee, I don't even recall her name. The candle will be lit for all of our loved ones no longer walking planet earth. But if you pay close attention when something reminds you of Tony it's him getting your attention! God Bless You!

Renee, this is August 6th at about 8:32 pm. I saw that I had a message posted for my in box. One was from another member and one the previous Saturday from you. I read your post this evening on the main board and wrote you a long post. I wanted to correct a word I wrote and I hope you see it as the word was suppose to be me. I type so fast and sometimes my brain knows what I'm thinking but my fingers go so fast as I was changing the sentence. I hope that the post to you on the main board gives some insight into how I manage. I have lots happening and sometimes I've wished that I'd go to sleep and end up in heaven. But I believe God has other plans for me. Based on the people in my life I realize why I haven't ended up in heaven at this time. There are some individuals who need me for who I am. I believe that is the same for you. Nonetheless, it's up to you to think of the people in your life who love you. I feel so sad as I read some of your posts and try to tell you what I do to help remedy my situation. God Bless You and Give You Peace!

Lovingly, Barbara

I had never met Mike my son's fraternity brother who posted Joe's photo had sent flowers but didn't come to the wake or funeral. The time that the photo was placed was 5 years to date of Joe's farewell. Whew it's amazing that I still feel like it happened when it's so long ago. We never know. I've always been busy and smile and laugh a lot. However, my heart has been crying all the times when not crying a river.

MIke the fraternity brother and I have been on communicating through these years on the computer. He was going for an interview in my area within 20 minute ride. He came over and I had baked some snicker doodle cookies using Martha Steward recipe with out cream of tartar. My husband went and got some beer. Bill suggested we sit outside on the patio because it was a really nice day on Wednesday afternoon. I had invited him to stay for dinner. Mike said he wish he could but had to decline. I gave him the cookies to bring home to his kids. And when he said he'd bring his teenagers over I didn't say anything. That night and today Thursday I couldn't help but think of you. I had thought how I now understand you better than I did before. Actually, I enjoyed the company but to think of getting involved made me think and feel pain that my son will not have a marriage with children. I was happy that Mike came as Bill and I both think he's a nice guy. Plus his wife also knew Joe. They were hoping he and Joe's college sweetheart would have gotten married. She was good and it would have been fine but they broke up. We spent time talking about Joe and Mike learned a couple thinks he wasn't aware of. I probably should have left the post. This one is not exactly like the one yesterday. this is the end of the post. However, I did write a shorter one just before this one to you. At any rate after our nice visit on Wednesday by someone who loves my son as all his fraternity brothers do I had the strangest feelings going on. I felt a fear of the future without my son Joe. I knew it before but thought and really felt the feelings of dread. I now know where you are really come from now when you spoke of being with others in your family. I never felt this way before when I've been with others regardless of.
Thank you for reading this.

With Love,

Barbara aka Joe's Momma

Dear Renee', I did write a post for you and then deleted it because I thought maybe it should be directed only to you. Since it was immediately I didn't realize that alerts would be sent until I saw it posted on the side by David about something I posted being deleted. A long time ago alerts stopped on my email. You may have read that my son left on April 5, 2010 which happen to be on Easter Sunday this year. It was a peaceful day. A fraternity brother of Joe's posted a photo of Joe on his wall having a fun time when he was in college. I was honored to see the photo. Joe looked so happy. After I asked Mike to post the photo on my wall. Joe's fraternity brothers left such nice words about my son. I had a melt down and my husband heard me sobbing and didn't realize why. When I had knee injections Sean one of the therapists asked me if it's harder for the father or mother. Bill my husband said the mother takes it harder.

Scroll right down 'til you see:

(This is it, Renee.)

I lost my son today.  He died.

Renee' you're welcome! Hopefully this year will become a healthier and more peaceful year for you and all of us on this site.If you want to write something you can click on my name and I'll probably see it on the right. I go through them to see if anyone I know has posted. I'll respond to you on your comment wall.

Take good care of yourself. We don't have to feel guilty for doing something for ourselves I read that somewhere.

With Love, Barbara

Dear Renee, I agree with you that it is unbelievable. It will be 5 years April 5th and I still feel that way. I believe that everyone on this site can identify with your saying that your whole day is consumed with thoughts of your precious son. I was the same way. Except when I was concentrating to write an article and place a photo in the newspapers for my garden club. He'd pop in my thoughts but I had a job to do that I enjoy doing even now. I can't give you any advice because no one really gave me any about how I felt or what to do about it. Besides I didn't come on this site immediately after my son left. I believe that it takes time to find what can help our individual life. Even then it's still can be difficult for me.  The praying you do for peace and for others on this site is a really good thing that you do. Renee' you have touched my heart. How I wish I had a magic wand to make both our sons reappear. Just know that everything you are experiencing is normal. I had to learn to be more patient with myself during the beginning years. With Love, Barbara

Renee, I read from page 2 and did not see anything you wrote to be offensive. I read something posted by you for another member and still don't see anything you wrote to hurt anyone's feelings. All I noted was your feelings. And how much you miss your son Tony. I too feel that my son Joe lost out because he had just achieved his masters degrees in finance and accounting. He obviously had plans but unfortunately he didn't share them with me. He did things that I've recently learned about and it has hurt me deeply so much so that I've had some anger toward what he has done. I can't imagine what he was thinking. You can feel great comfort in knowing what was going on in your son Tony's live. I don't like to envy people but I feel it would have been nice had he included me, his dad and grandmother whom he lived with.

At any rate I'm sorry that your son wasn't able to get married to the love of his life as planned. How is the young lady doing?

I recall that you feel there is no hope for you to ever get over the pain in your heart. It may be true that it never goes away. Nonetheless, the intensity of it simmers on low. We have definitely been cheated and sometimes there is an emptiness especially during holidays.

The love a mother has for her child is unconditional. I tried to feel the love for my son with another young man that I spent time with in another country. We had more fun together than I had with my son Joe. I'd make him laugh all the while he was with me and my husband and when we went out on our own to the dentist or shopping. He knew exactly what to say to get me to say yes to something I said no to. How I wish my son could have been that way with me. But when I learned this young man was not divorced and had a couple different girlfriends during the times there I felt different. I thought I loved him but I was trying to replace my son Joe. Even that Joe did something that hurts me since learning about it a month ago; nothing has changed. Love for a child is unconditional and nothing can ever change that.

All we have is a moment at a time that turns into a day then a week, a month and before we know it years. Try to live each moment for yourself and know that it's okay to love yourself.

With Love,

Barbara