I truly understand how certain road trips bring back so many memories. And, I do know how beautiful that drive is into Portland. I helped a friend move from Texas to Portland last year and made that very same trip down that same stretch of road. I only wish I had seen the 'hand of god' and the waterfall. I love waterfalls! We did stop, on occasion to marvel at the beauty of the river. Judy's sister Cathy had her ashes spread at Maryhill Museum near Briggs Junction but on Washington side. Sleep is a real struggle. In my earlier days, I fought it like it was some kind of demon. When I did finally give up and go to bed, all I could do is just toss and turn. Sometimes I would manage to get 2-3 hours in. Truth be told, without therapy and my grief support group, I don't know where I would be today. The grief support group was straight folks, but, I needed it just as much as any of them and went anyway. If you are interested in finding one near you search griefshare.org and put in your zip code. On this same page, scroll down a little and you can sign up for daily uplifting emails from them.
I am glad that you are able to maintain your control when others try to say they understand grief. It's not nearly the same as losing a parent or sibling (I have lost both parents and a brother) and it's not anything like getting divorced. The FB page has ranted about this very thing at various times. Even to the point of not having anything to do with 'those' people. Really, the reality is, your doctor or anyone else for that matter, won't 'get it' until they actually go through this pain.
I want you to know, you are not spreading anything. I have found that I fulfill a need for myself when I am able to reach out to others. It's like I told my cousin just the other night, 'There's a certain brotherhood in widowhood.' Earlier this year, several of us from the FB page met up in Florida. One was from Canada, one lived there in Florida, one from Georgia and one from Tennessee. I am not very good at meeting people I don't know, but that trip just felt so right. I have since met others from that group. I hope to one day meet you.
David, all you need to know, is that you reach out to me anytime. Screw that word limit. Just shoot me an email.
I am glad you responded and are hanging in there. I am so very sorry that you are having a really bad time with no one you can reach out to. The things you are going through are gut wrenching but, please know they are completely normal. You are experiencing grief fog when you can't recognize people you see. Also, completely normal. I am saying all this in hopes that your anxiety eases up a little. During the first 4-5 months, I could not talk to anyone. I managed to make a 25 mile drive, one way, to see my therapist 2 times a week.... crying all the way, coming and going. The behavior I exhibited was foreign to me. I knew I needed and had to have help. This grief thing was way bigger than anything I had ever encountered in my life! The fact that you live in a very small town does not help you. As I am writing you, I see that I am the only one here. Just as it was for you. I hope you get John's blessings to try out the FB page. Please trust me when I tell you there is NO marketing going on. It is purely folks like you and I posting various things. The last time I posted was on my wife's and I 4th legally married anniversary day... Nov. 27th.
The following are the first 3 postings on FB today. I left off the names and comments because I just want you to get a feel of what you might see.
1.) Under normal circumstances, this post would probably embarrass me, but I know you guys understand. Has anyone else's personal care routine suffered due to grief? Before Thom died, I showered every morning. I've done that most of my life. After he died, it changed to every 2 or 3 days. Even now, 2 years later, especially since I work from home and live alone, I shower every 3 days or when I'm going to see someone. Otherwise I just don't want to bother. Luckily, I don't usually start stinking for a few days.
2.) I have a question for those who have started new relationships.
When my friend was staying at my house for those weeks until his new condo was ready, he mentioned that perhaps it’s time for me to remove some of the photos of Tim I have around my house. Granted there are a lot of them. He suggested that should I start with someone new, it could cause them to feel that I couldn’t let go of what was.
Did any of you make changes like that? I find for me, those photos comfortme. I prefer to keep them as they are. Maybe I’m not ready for another relationship. Patrick is sweet and so kind but I am not ready to let go of my memories.
3.) This Sunday it will be precisely 1 1/2 year ago my husband Morten died.
When I think back I do remember this time last year very clearly. And I am a little surprised how much I have healed. I can find no other word for it. Even though part of me is broken and always will be, I have also healed.
In late spring this year something unexpected happened. I got a boyfriend. I was looking to meet new friends - deliberately. But not looking for a boyfriend. But then he came. Now I h...
I am so glad to hear from you. If you join the FB page there is a way to set the privacy setting so that no one see's what you post. Since the page is a private site, we are not subjected to all the advertising and the post does not move to your personal page. You had the email almost right.... there is no 'g'. If you will message me, I will check my FB page and see how the settings are so that you only are on that one private page. If you stay away from your personal page, which is what I mostly do, nothing on that page will require your attention. I can tell you, I read the support group page off and on through out the day and rarely look at my personal page. One thing to keep in mind, once you start adding friends, every one of their posts will be on your personal page. So, I really limit the number of people I 'friend' to my FB page. I think you will find it so much more informative and way easier to navigate than Legacy. Here is what I suggest, give it a try and if you don't feel comfortable with it, you can close it. There is just a wealth of info and I am always learning things or getting other perspectives on the same issues. That site has members from all over. England, Canada, the states, Australia, etc... I am trying to figure out the easiest way to do this. I think if you email me and we can get on the computer at the same time then we can email back and forth with questions you have as you are setting up your page. You had the email address almost right. There is no "g" in it: firstname.lastname@example.org. Let me know what you think about this idea.
I just love that you have his journals to keep reminding you how much he loved you! I had asked Judy to leave me a recording on my phone or to write me something in a journal book that she had. She never did either one. But, I hove some videos of her and fairly many photos. Judy's family lives in Yakima. When she was diagnosed and we knew she only had months left, we both decided she'd rather be there with her family for the duration of her days. So, we stayed there about 4 months until she passed. I go to Yakima to visit her two sisters and her dad. This last trip, one of her sisters had recently lost her husband (Oct. 26) and there is just a special bond those of us in widowhood understand more than those who are not. So, we really talked a lot about all that. Judy and I were together for 22 years but, knew each other about 40 years. We owned an auto repair shop (had to sell that) and I was a special education teacher. I had only retired in May 2014 before her diagnosis in April 2015. We were set to look forward to traveling in our RV and summering at her sister's home in a travel trailer we bought to stay in when we were there. Sadly, those days did not happen.
This Legacy site is really hard to navigate. I can't go back and reread what you wrote to continue to respond on certain points. So, If I missed something, I didn't mean to.
Many hugs to you as go through this pain. I promise, the pain eases, but finding ourselves again, is something altogether different. I have not been able to find where I belong yet.
My name is Mary Jane, and I would like to welcome you to Legacy. Sometimes when I am reading posts here, I jump from one area to the next, and I came across your blog. It was beautiful. I am very sorry you are having to endure this terrible pain after loosing John..but finding this place will really help you. It has helped me immensely. I am not gay, and am on the bereaved spouses group..but it doesn,t matter here whether you are gay or straight...we all share the same pain and loss. I urge you to go check out that group...about half the members are gay...not that it makes a difference.
this site can be difficult at first to navigate...it may take about a week to figure it out completely. I promise you that in a very short time you will find so many people here..kind caring people from all walks of life, who sadly share our situation...the person you shared your life with is now gone, and we have to figure out how to navigate this world again..alone.
After I read your blog, I went and read some of the posts on the gay group, and was surprised there were so few people...so I am inviting you to also join the other group...I,ve been here for about 8 months, and it has basically saved my life. My husband of 49 years died 20 months ago after only 4 months of cancer...even all that time has assed I still spend my days basically doing nothing...my thought process and motivation doesn,t exist anymore...but I won,t bore you with details...
About navigating posts..for some reason..if you wish to respond to something you read that isn,t on PAGE 1, you can,t respond on any other page but the current page. It sounds weird, but that is how it is set up here...we all respond, or post in a row. Otherwise whT you write will disappear. I hope I am making sense...I lost ALOT of heartfelt replies until I finally figured it out. We just name the person in our post, if we are answering...otherwise, we just write down our thoughts etc and hit the COMMENT button...but it won,t post if you aren,t on page one.
I hope you stay...here everyone understands what you are feeling, and soon you realize you are not alone. Long after family and friends think we “should be “over it” we are here for each other..to support, comfort and advise, if needed.
You can say ANYTHING here..except no profanity...even the word DAM with an N...so if you hit the comment button and nothing happens, go back and check and just correct the word..ok I am sorry to blather away like this...you will be glad you found this place...and you are now among people who care, and importantly understand, as they are in the same situation.