Just wanted to say hello, you were the first person I wrote to on this site, and you two sound so much like me and Byron,so you are special to me, even though ,we only know each other through this site...so continued prayers, and , hope you managing okay.
I am so glad to hear from you. I know how it is with work and everything. Congratulations on your daughter's h.s. graduation and the beautiful way you handled it. I have been going out from time to time with my girlfriends, but it is usually like shopping or a bbq or they come to my house or I'll go theirs. It never stops being hard, but I get through it somehow. I even manage to have a few laughs, even when i am laughing, its always there in the background. My first cousin invited me over to dinner in new jersey last week. I really wanted to go, because I miss my cousin, and i was actually going to try to drive there myself. Then I realized that Byron is buried in New Jersey.I have worked very hard at not thinkng about his grave. i have not been back to the gravesite. Its just been too hard for me. I know he is no longer physically present, and I have all the spiritual understandings about the soul and how there is another reality on the other side, but Joyce , tht place, houses my husbands body, and it s just too hard to handle. I mean, its very hard for me to think of him being right there, only 45 minutes away from me, yet not there at all. I have been fooling myself tht I dont need to go to the grave site...but lately I feel like i will have to do it. His birthday is Sunday, I think I will be going there for the first time.I dont have to tell you that time does not fix any of this. We just learn to live/love with it. I miss him as much now ,if not more ,than I did in the beginning. I went to my cousins house, but my friend drove me there, we took a route that avoids the cemetery. I had a very good time,but I could feel the depression seeping in,That was the first time visiting family since Byron's passing. That night at home , was so very hard, and the folowing days as well. this is the hardest, most painful thing ever. I love him so much,
joyce, are you alright? i hope so. I haven't seen you on the site. I hope you have found another way to deal with the loss. Prayers and hugs. i know how incredibly hard it is. This month is our anniversary, and his birthday. I guess there will be many difficult "firsts". Take care, I hope you are well.
Thats a really cute story. I totally understand the tears around painting the room. I also did some redecorating,,and while I did it ,I cried throughout the whole thing..It does help though. I was able to shift the energy of the house, but nothing can really fix this can it? everyone speaks of the stages of grief, well,that implies there is some type of order to this...;there is no order,,,,One day or one week I think I have accepted it,,,and then out of nowhere something will happen, and I feel like I'm back at square one...BUT GIRL< I MUST COMMEND YOU ON ACTUALLY GOING TO THE CEREMONY!!! I know how hard it must have been,,The first time I had to go food shopping (before the drivers license) I had to run out of there, no groceries or nothing, I just ran out of the store, the idea that he was not patiently waiting for me in the car, just set me off. I had to get out of there. I know how you feel....thats whats so good about this site.....CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWARD,,,AND ESPECIALLY CONGRATULATIONS ON THE COURAGE YOU DISPLAYED FOR MAKING IT THROUGH THAT EVENT!!!!I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS!!!,,,,GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!
im sorry joyce, i thought you were referring to your wedding band,,,,i see, you are wearing Donald's band.Well, i started wearing Byron's ring in a place so that its close to my heart. especially when i am driving,,,it makes me feel safe. My advice is the same , we will stop wearing it when its time to stop. Right now I still need it. I wish that i had kids, that must be a real blessing. It is unbelievably lonely in the evenings. byron and I were terribly close, he had major medical problems , but God knows we loved each other, we loved being together, watching TV, going to the movies, just being together, praying together, going out to eat, eating in, going to atlantic city, down south, upstate new york, just everything. We were so in love....I miss him sooo much....so much. He became my best friend....and I was his....when you saw one , you saw the other...Girl, i did not expect to be back here at this point....clearly there are no stages of grief, it is constantly changing and shifting and catching you off guard.
hard hard hard today. Lots of memories attached to mothers day. Joyce, I had to put away the pictures again....bursting into tears all day. Two steps forwrd and 3 steps back. In- laws were in town and did not come to see me..REALLY hurt...I cant imagine why not. Maybe seeing me is to hard for them? They called , but did not come by (mom in law and brother in law) ...I was missing him so much today. As I have said before grief is so unpredictable. i was feeling nice and strong this past week, then, a day like today can come along, and i'm just a mess. I know this is normal, i know i'll feel better later,,,but when it' happening,its torture. I hope you had abetter day...
Good night Joyce, i hope you are doing okay today. I think I am suppose to tell you that you should not feel guilty about having a good day with laughter.
It just means you are healing and knowing you are loved. I know we are being loved in Spirit. The relationship has changed....but the love continues. I am sure you have experienced Donald's presence. Pay attention to little things like items missing ,but then reappearing, or you thought to do something right away, and turns out that a day later would have been too late. I am sure he is still taking care of you , so girl drive tht car further, try to go the unfamiliar,,,,you will not, I repeat, you will not drive around lost forever, you will get back home...We are strong people,,,anybody that can survive this grief, can certainly drive anywhere we want!!!!
Good evening Joyce, I have to tell you that you sound like the healing has definitely begun. The way you "talk" is different than it was a few weeks back. Good for you!! I too, never liked driving. I think I always knew how, but really liked him doing the driving. I can't believe that's me behind the wheel. I came into the house today and actually started to cook dinner , and it felt okay. I think I am going to take an art class or some kindof class , I need a creative outlet. I didnt realize how much time is taken up by being in love. I used to look forward to coming home, now I get sad when its time to come home . Friends have been wonderful, but I would like to branch out a little on my own. You know, new memories will make the precious memories a little easier to handle. ANd bottom line, girl, i need something else to do....Maybe I'll look for a second job. We didn't have a huge life insurance policy, because of his medical issues. So money is tight,. but I am a survivor and know how to live within my means. I suspect missing him will always be hard. I think we learn how to rebuild around it.We will always love them. Even if down the road , we love again, we wont stop loving Donald and Byron , we will just make space for more love. So, today was a good day...I laughed a lot today, even through all the moments of sadness. I guess thats how it is,,,always there . I hope one day I can play a cd again, i,we, loved music,and would sing together all the time...Some of favorite times was just sitting around the house and listening to the oldies and current music....but we loved the music from the 70's and the 80's....I miss music. Most of it just makes me so weepy. Still I know we are doing good!!!! I understand about not preparing dinners, but our folks really have to pay attention to how we eat. How about preparing something and a couple times a week, and ask a few girlfriends to come over with a dish and have a little potluck dinner, and it doent have to be at your house,,,The change might alleviate some of the sadness around cooking and dining without Donald. I have startedto cook again, because my ankles were swelling up from the sodium in the takeout....Be well dear. Keep up the good work. GOd bless us all...Debbie
its been 49 days. I have come far. I got my drivers license, ( Byron was the driver) , I have been blessed with friends that still come around ,and allow me to be however I need to be. I am blessed. I have days tht are really good, but when that is happening, I find that i become a little guarded because I'm saying to myself, "this is temporary. I know that the grief monster is waiting around the corner to get me. That's usually true, but at least now when it happens, I am clear that it will feel bad for a bit and then it will pass. The good feelings are showing up more frequently. Today was hard. It seems that Mondays are . It was a Monday evening the last time I saw him alive. Most of today was ok, , but about 15 minutes ago I though I was never going to stop crying, but I did, and here I am writing to you all. I was sleeping , but the insomnia is back with vengeance, and let me tell you ,lack of sleep makes depression seem more intense. I missed him so much one day last week. I just wantedto see him and talk to him. I miss his physical presence, I dont even know how to describe it. It's actually a physical pain.
He died. Hes not coming back. He will never touch me or hold me again he will never enjoy my cooking again. Joyce, I too don't cook much. The joy of cooking is gone. I pray for you and me, no one expects to be widowed so young. No matter what the age, losing your spouse is a pain that i would not wish on anyone, yet it is a pain that he or I would hve to experience at some point. The healing has begun,I m sure the same is true for you. We just have to hang in there. The other morning when I awkened, I heard a voice very clearly say to me, "I knowthis hurts, but nothing "bad" has happened. Byron has done what everyone you know, or will know ,or have ever known, will do. He move ; he went home .It's the natural process of things., you were blessed to be there for his walk". It helped me so much. It's still hard, and I still grieve, but it helped me to get beyond the feeling of dread. At the end of the work day, we all go home, so while I miss him, I pray his soul completed what it came here to do. Let us pray that when our time comes, there is someone to love us this much , so tht our last thoughts will be of the person that loves us so much. i dont know you or your husband, but just from your loving picture, I m sure his last thoughts of were of you. I bet he smiled, before he left. a good friend of mine who is spiritually gifted told me that Byron came to him and told him that he left smiling , because his last thought was of something "special" I used to do to make him laugh . I knew exactly what he meant , it was a special little naughty dance I would do for him just to make him smile . No one else knew about this. Tomorrw is another day! Let's go and grab it!!!!Watch that takeout,,,too much sodium!!!!!!
Just wondering how you were . I have been having a rough week, went back to work,,,,He wasnt there to pick me up....sooo hard!!!!! I broke down when I got to work because it meant that I was actually resuming my life without him....But Praise GOd I made it. I saw Monica on the Wendy Williams show yesterday...and she sang that song you mentioned....I said "that Joyce sure got that right"..Hope you are okay....just keep on writing...even if you are not doing it here,....writing it out really does help us heal....Take care..
Hi Joyce. Just wanted to say hello and I truely understand your pain. The lost of your love, friend, sweetheart, confidant, pal and support system is very painful. Even though it's been 3.5 yrs since I lost my wife, the pain is still there. I have good & bad days. I don't know your faith but if you have any belief in God, this is the one time you need to lean on Him. Friends & family is good to have but they don't understand like God knows. If you would allow Him, He will help you all the way. A day has not passed that I don't think about the love of my life. I can hear a song, smell a fragrant or even see an outfit in a catalog and Yes, I do cry. So, If you feel like crying, cry. Hope life will continue to serve you well and hold onto the love. I use to tease my wife by saying, “Girl, I don’t see why you vacuum and dust everyday”, Now I know:). Again, the lost of a wife or husband is very painful. I have learned now, If I have or had any known enemies, I could not wish this type of pain upon them. Hope to chat again
Hi joyce, I was so happy to see your post. yesterday marked the 30th day for me. I have days where many hours pass and I feel okay. I can actually laugh and talk about him, and feel like everything is going to
be okay. While i believe that is true, it is still so hard. Apparently, there are no short cuts to this grieving period. I am all alone in the house now, my Mom has gone back home, and while I have friends that are doing their best to hold me up and tell me that I am doing an amazing job,,,still there are times when I want to shout and scream and wail, and roll on the floor...and you know what , when that happens that's exactly what I do. The day after he died, I went to buy a dress for the service, and an Al Green song was playing on the system,and I just lost it right there in the store....("Still in love with you", was the song) ..I have had days of feeling pretty good, believing that i have gotten it all together, then something will happen, that just takes me out. Today, I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and I was looking for a pasta serving dish,then realized that I dont need a serving dish, because I will only be serving one person. My husband loved my cooking , and due to his medical issues, he couldnt really handle too many leftovers....So i cooked just about every day....I am pretty good at it too!!! You can tell from our photo that we enjoyed food. Now I don't feel the need to cook and certainly I don't want to set the table....all of this reminds me of him...so today a pasta serving dish, was the thing that took me over the top. But I know that I am healing...On day 1 and day 2 and day 3, etc,,,everything made me cry...the towels in the bathroom, his wallet, his watch, coffee on Sunday( our special time together) the front seat of the car, "Two and an half men" , His favorite tv comedy....and just everything. My husband, Byron was disabled since 2002.He went on dialysis in 2002, and did pretty well until the last couple of years. No matter how things got for him he was still able to make me laugh, and feel safe and very very loved....He did all the stuff husbands did to make me crazy. He would leave his washcloth balled up in the shower( he would never wring it out) he frequently left his underwear on the bathroom flor. He would take out the wrong meat from the freezer, or not enough meat.and most notably, he would insist on wearing t-shirts that had begun to rise above his belly.....( either due to shrinkage or weight gain).....I miss that stuff too. Grieving is sooooo hard/////,but we can and will do this......My prayers are for you and all of us in this online support group.
God bless You....We will talk sooon.....Let the tears fow, we can't get beyond the pain if we dont let it out..... Debbie , oh yes, how could i forget my husband would love to come to bed and be all affectionate after eating some Spicy Nacho Doritos,,,,,SOOO sexy right????( no mouthwash, no rinsing,,,,how lovely) ...I even miss that too.
It is so good to "talk" to you. We didn't have children, and I cannot even imagine how much more difficult this must be , because you have to hold up the kids too. I will remember that aspect of your life, in my prayers today. The fact that you are involved with this support group, speaks to how amazing you are ,and how much you truly want to thrive . I am so happy to hear that you and Donald are so much in love. I say "are" and not "were", because I now know that the love continues. I will keep in touch with you....as I can tell that we have much to share.....Be well, and do not rush yourself....
Joyce, I lost my husband March 16,2010. I understand the feeling of being lost. Its been a month this week, and it still feels like yesterday. I have good days and bad days. He and I did everything together and its just a never-ending gut wrenching pain. I hold onto the truth that it will get better, but the only way to handle grief is to allow oneself to grieve. He and I loved music , and it seems like every song was written about him ,,,or us..Today in the car ALicia Keyes latest song,goes "tonight, Im gonna learn to live without you", I thought I was going to lose my breath, It hurts so bad. I am 48 , my husband was 51. He went into the hospital with what appeared to be a diabetic foot ulcer, but he succumbed to Sepsis..) infection of the major organs)..The last memory of us breathing the same air, he wasnt lucid at all, and grabbed my hand and squeezed it,with hislast bit strength,,that was our goodbye. He died about 8 hours later, i missed his passing by about 10minutes....There were moments when I thought about ending it for myself as well, if i could be certain we could be together,I try to escape this pain, but its always there....He was my best friend.my lover, my everything. I get up , i shower, I get dressed,,,,i go out everyday,,,,,just to stay engaged in life,,,but the pain is always there.....sometimes the sight of a building tht we frequented will send me into a tailspin. I have cried, wailed, screamed,,,in public, private just anywhere. I just let it out.....its too much to keep inside. I miss him so much ,,,at times the grief is impossible to even measure....so Joyce I know where you are ..sorry for your loss....My God, I understand....Today I was wondering why there was so little dirty laundry , then I realized why and that set me off. My God, this is so hard...
It's been 25 days since my Donald died, I still watch for him to come thru the door, I have called his cell phone to hear his voice and I leave messages eventhough I know that he will never answer. I continue to pray that God will give me strength daily.