Thank you Sara ,I am sorry is not good enough to say to you,there are no words ,Micah is my son, he was 32 when it happen, I am the daughter of a preacher and never doubted god , but living with my husband 53years ,saying ,it's a fantasy that people want to believe,and all the other of his beliefs it is hard for me to think which way is right (I am problem not making sense,idont these days)
My biggest struggle is I know Diane is gone and not coming back, but there is a small piece of my brain that won't accept that. The idea that I will never get another kiss, hug and I Love You More from her just doesn't seem possible or real. None of this seems real to me how could it makes no sense. I find I do best if I don't look too far ahead, when I do I get depressed and anxiety sets in. Then the reality sets in of being alone for the rest of my life without the love of my life. Maybe not looking to far ahead is my brains way of keeping that piece of my brain that can't accept happy. I try not to think of it to much.
From reading the posts, you and I seems to be the only ones who have recently lost our spouses. Have you returned to work yet? I haven't. I am looking for something new. I can't go back to that place.
The weekends seems the hardest to me. Sunday just wouldn't end. I pray for strenght every day. I haven't been able to go through his things. I wear his pajamas, socks, t-shirts and anything else that I can. I miss him so much.
If you ever want to talk one on one, just let me know. I think I would find comfort in talking.
I'm having one of those moments and anxiety as I type. I will ask my doctor for some meds. I am 4 months from my 57th birthday. He made them so special. I, too, wish that I could be with him but yet know that my children need me. I feel stuck. My emotions are so out of control right now. I just want my heart to stop aching.
I hope to talk to you tomorrow. Let me know what range of time would be good for you. I plan to go to church for the first time since his funeral. I am going to take something to help me sleep.
It's been recent for both our losses Sarah. I feel so restless and just don't know where to turn. My husband and I had only been been married for less than three years. He was the love of my life, and it is so surreal speaking of him in the past. I am so lonely. My adult daughter and son has both moved in with me for a while. I could not imageing living here in this house alone. I know we will get through this, but I just can't imagine my life without him now. God help us all.
Thank you, Sara - I'm not very familiar with computers, not on facebook, and generally Larry and I were viewed as dinosaurs by friends and family alike. I was always a bit suspicious of this form of meeting people - how do you know they are who they present to you? I threw that out the window and posted here the first time unsure what, if any, response would come. I cried when the first post welcomed me and offered sympathy on the loss of my husband - suddenly I felt safe and accepted, which unfortunately is not, nor has it always been the case for either Larry or myself. As a couple we felt the "safety in numbers" and knew we had each other's backs. Now here I am, with gay friends far away, and feeling exposed and vulnerable, an old habbit formed over 62 years or rejection and sometimes abject hatered. Finding myself mourning my beautiful Larry and feeling afraid to trust anyone, this little piece of heaven is magical for my soul - and you are very much a part of that - again, thank you - I don't "invite friends" beacuse I never want to put anyone on the spot as it were, having to accept for fear of offending me, so I stay back until someone like you, my friend, offers a hand. Hello, friend - let's walk this walk together...
I was reading through everyone's comments tonight, and while I had seen your name before, I hadn't read your background regarding your husband. I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. You are very young, and were with your husband from an early age...that has to be very hard. I married my husband a bit later, but we were together 34 years. I also knew that he was going to die for a year, in which time I cared for him as he went from a healthy, hardworking, happy guy to a person that even I would have barely recognized if I hadn't been there every day of that year. I think what drew me to wanting to reach out to you is that so much of what you say resonates with me. Even the particular way you describe your feelings is so similar to how I feel . I am 14 1/2 months out, but every day is a real struggle, and I'm still trying like you to figure out my new "normal". It's incredibly painful. He was 58 went he died, and I will now turn 60 this year by myself. Every anniversary of a special day is torment, and it's hard to know when the real pain, which is almost physical, will come upon me. I know that sometime in the future I will feel better than this. I can't imagine having to live out life with this weight on my very soul. I know it must be the same for you. You wake up in the morning, and it's really hard to find any good reason to get out of bed. At night I hold his pillow, and I sleep with a stocking cap under my pillow that he was given when he lost all his hair during chemo. I think the first 6 months after he passed away I was mostly either numb, or in terrible, crushing grief. I can hardly bring myself to touch his things, to dispose of anything. But, I will keep moving forward. I know you will too. I wish you moments of peace, and I hope you have loved ones around you to help you through. Please let me know how you are doing and I am always happy to "listen". Take care of yourself and I'll be sending warm thoughts your way :-)
I know where you are coming from it's gotten that I can't look backward, forward or here and now. I did call and get some anti anxiety from the doctor, they seemed to have helped when she was in the hospital take some of the edge off. I haven't cried in a while just feel dead and dark inside, I knew it was time to call doctor, I don't like where I have been. . Got mad today and told my wife I'm glad your in a good place, but you left me in hell. Everybody says with time you learn to cope, I just find that so hard to believe right now.
It is so comforting to know that no matter how lonely, bleak and sad our current lives are, we are not alone, especially at our crucial stages. My sympathies, understanding and hugs pour out to you! Ken is still all around you, everywhere you look, touch and go to! I have a big house and even though I care for and cherish with attention our three furry babies, Claudia is the only one I talk to! We miss our best friend, spouse, partner and confidant! I hope to chat with you many more times! My Claudia unexpectedly died 2/15/16! Us newbies are going through the firsts together! One day at a time, one breath. Sara my prayers are with us both!