Janet - Todd's Mom's Comments

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At 8:11pm on January 15, 2014, Susan - Donny's Mom said…

Hi Janet!  Good to hear from you, it's been a very long time..... I wouldn't worry about the flower you can still see how pretty it is.  Funny thing was in my computer it was upright but when I posted it for some reason it was sideways.  Our tech world is frustrating sometimes.  Can't live with or without everything.

Thank you for responding though.  Hope you  have some comfort in the coming years.

Susan

At 5:10pm on December 31, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - Just got your message and thought I would respond right away.  Xmas was okay, just my mom, one sister and her husband, and my nephew, who I love dearly.  then we took a short trip to DC, just to get away for a day or two.  Had a great time, but started feeling very sad on the way back yesterday.  Today is worse.  Funny how that happens.  I have always hated new year's eve anyway.  I completely ignore it now.  So why should I feel bad?  I guess I'm thinking about those poor people in Newtown.  And you are right - it made me realize that I WAS lucky to have Tyler for 24 years.  All the good times we shared and all of the memories that those poor parents won't have.  I guess I should just try to be grateful for the time we had.  Unfortunately, January 26th will be Tyler's 3rd anniversary, so the entire month will be spent under that cloud.  Then, finally, some peace beginning in February.  Our group has now decided to move on from the Hospice group.  We range from persons who lost their daughter and grand daughter on the same day you lost Todd, to a couple who lost a 7 year old boy this past May.  We have become such good friends that we meet either at a restaurant or someone's home once or twice a month.  The hospice group still officially meets, but they changed the format and the leader, and most of our group were not as pleased with the new arrangement.  It is truly a blessing to have them.  someone is always there if you need them, even just by email.  We are an odd lot, some older, some younger, single, married, but we share one common bond that overcomes all of our other differences.  My husband will still not attend.  But I guess he just needs to handle things in his own way.  The pain will never go away.  I know that now.  I am able to cope for some longer periods of time, but I think that the meds I am on help with that.  They don't take it away, however.  Nothing can do that.  I realized today that I actually think of Tyler almost every minute of every day.  In some way he is always in my mind  - either I'm talking to him, remembering him in some way, missing him, whatever.  This is really an incredibly difficult way to live the rest of my days.  Sometimes I wonder how I have the strength to do it.  But I guess you just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I will pray for your family and Todd, and wish you peace and comfort in the new year.

Love
JoAnn

At 12:08pm on December 18, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - hope you are well and at peace.  Hold tight, the holidays are almost over!  Unfortunately, I have to wait until the end of January to get through my worst period.  The school shooting in Newtown is just the next town over.  The school is about 5 miles from my home.  When I got in the car and put on the radio and heard the report, I had to pull off of the road into a parking lot.  I couldn't stop crying and sobbing.  I called my sister who tried to talk me down, but she was in work so she was really limited in what she could do.  I kept crying all of the way home and looking at all of the cars around me, the drivers just going along.  I wanted to scream at them - don't you know what just happened????? Don't you know how many families were just destroyed?  The next morning when I woke up all I could think of was all of those families, waking up thinking they had just had the worst nightmare of their lives, only to find out that the nightmare was true and will never end.  I remember that feeling all too well.  The funeral home in Newtown is where we had Tyler's wake, and now I see it all over the TV and internet.  A memorial for one of the children will be held on Friday at Walnut Hill Community Church, where we had Tyler's memorial service and where his memorial tree is planted.  The only thing that can be said about this is that now I don't have to pretend to be enjoying the holiday season.  No one here will be enjoying it.  I did pray to Tyler and all of our children and ask them to take those babies and hold them and love them and tell them everything will be all right.

In addition, I am torn between my two sisters who will not spend time with one another.  How am I supposed to decide where to go and who to have the holiday with?  I feel like King Solomon.

The leg ulcer is healing up fine, although I still have to wear compression stockings, or 'lunch lady' stockings as my sister refers to them!  Maybe I will hang one up for xmas!!!!!!!  Actually, this is the first year I can actually look at a xmas decoration and not feel my stomach turn. 

I bought one of those little trees they have been selling at the store - the table top ones.  We threw up some lights on it and some nondescript ornaments.  Maybe by next year I will have the gumption to get the boxes from the attic - but they contain too many mine fields - Tyler's ornaments, gifts he bough me, etc. 

How was your Thanksgiving?  I hope it was peaceful  We had it at my mom's house, and my one sister and her husband didn't come.  That was kind of sad.  But we had a quiet holiday with my mom, my other sister and her husband and my nephew.  I had gotten some stones out of jewelry I had and gave them to him that day to use in an engagement ring for his girlfriend.  I had planned on giving them to Tyler for that reason.  I think I will give my nice pair of earrings to my sister next year for her 60th birthday.  What's the point of keeping them.  I would just as soon give EVERYTHING away now.

I think the increased meds are really working - the black cloud of gloom that settled over me this summer is a lot lighter. Better living through Chemistry! Not gone, mind you, but at least I don't feel like Jacob Marley in a christmas carol, carrying around heavy chains all day and all night long.  I am still tired all of the time and have no interest in doing just about anything, however.  I guess those meds can only do so much!

I wish you and your entire family a peaceful and joyful holiday.  I pray for you all.

Love, JoAnn

At 3:12pm on November 16, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

I can't believe I wrote an entire email to you and then lost it!!!!  I know I haven't written in a long while, but I HAVE been thinking of you all this time.  I've been going crazy trying to work things out with my mom - selling her house and trying to decide what the best place is to put her once it sells.  That, plus working, plus I have a leg ulcer on my right leg that hasn't healed since September so I have to go to the hospital for treatment every single week.  Since July, all through the summer, I've been very depressed.  It surprised me because I am usually the best in the summer.  Just this week the psychiatrist tried upping the dose of one of my meds.  We'll see if that helps.  But the biggest help came just this week.  One of the moms in my group visited a medium and told our group about her.  Several have gone and others have appointments.  I made an appointment but could't get in until February.  Then, the very same day, a cancellation came up and I got an appointment for this past Monday.  I went to her and it was simply amazing.  She spoke to me on Tyler's behalf and every single thing she said was an answer to each and every question I cry out in the car or ask over and over again in my head.  She said I had a sister who has been my rock (true).  She said a man named Joseph had Tyler under his wing (my dad's name).  She spoke in such detail about so many specific things.  Luckily she made a CD of the session.  I made copies and gave them to my sister and two best friends.  Every one agreed it was just unbelievable.  I want my husband to listen to it so badly, but he doesn't even know I went.  He is going on a business trip to Germany, so I think I will put the CD in his luggage along with a letter from me and tell him to listen to a little at a time on his laptop in the hotel.  Anyway, the session was so uplifting and healing for me at the time.  I listened to it again twice this week in the car going home and it helped me both times.  During the session Tyler spoke about his name being written on something and being sent somewhere.  IT'S THE MARS ROVER!!!!!  He said he loved that I had done that.  I am certain Todd feels the same way!  But I am coming up on three years and this is the only thing that has made a dent in my sadness for about the last year and a half.  Will it last?  Who knows.  I know what a difficult time of year is coming up.  I hope we both find the strength to get through it.  Know that you are on my mind, even if I am not in touch.  Have a peaceful Thanksgiving.  Love, JoAnn (and Tyler, too!)

At 12:14pm on November 8, 2012, David, BERNIE's dad said…

Thanks Janet, it is a great poster that Tami did. It seems we are leant these beautiful, special people that leave us early, maybe because they are so good to others that they are excused the long road we have to travel. My mother always said, 'The good die young', and it seems to be true. We have to pay this price, the sacrifice of separation, hoping that when we see them again we shall have them for alll Eternity.

At 9:38am on September 15, 2012, Leslie L. Fiorda said…

What a Beautiful young man! You are blessed!

At 9:05am on August 30, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I know what you are talking about with your mom.  We went through the same thing with my mother-in-law.  Spent down all her funds in assisted living for four years.  Finally went into a nursing home after qualifying for medicaid.  My mom is not in that condition just yet, at least I don't think so.  My sisters both insist she cannot live alone.  I think that the extended hospital stay, illness and meds have addled her a little more than usual, but that back in her own home with her own routine she would come back to where she was.  They keep saying she needs 24 hour care, but I don't think either of them have actually stopped to think what that means or how it would occur - assisted living, live-in, moving in with one of us?????  Every time I go to my therapist she has a tendency to ask me, "What does JoAnn need right now?" I was thinking, because I am supposed to see her today, WELL, JOANN NEEDS TO HAVE HER OLD LIFE BACK.  She will tell me that there are new experiences, etc. to look forward to, but I say baloney.  I just don't care anymore.  About anything.  It has hurt for too long and I know that it will just keep on hurting until I die. I don't want to exercise, watch what I eat, find a hobby, nothing.  I just want to sit here until God finally takes pity on me and takes me to my son.  Sorry to be so down, but I know that here is where I can just spill my guts and have someone say - 'that's okay - I know just how you feel'.  I really can't do that anywhere else.  That's why this site, but even more so you, are so important to me.  I can't help think every minute of every day - what would I be like right now if this hadn't happened?  I know I would be happy.  Love to you - keep on trying.  JoAnn

At 8:54am on August 27, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - As of yesterday my my Mom really seemed to have made some real improvement.  I'm hoping it continues and that she might get out of the hospital this week.  Of coures, where she will go is the next big question - home?  To stay with me?  My youngest sister's house would be best because she doesn't work, there is a seperate bedroom with double bed, and no stairs to navigate.  But knowing my youngest sister, that will not be an option.  She can stay with me but we are both out all day and the bedroom is on the second floor.  I guess that's better than being by herself.  Life is just a big bowl of cherries!

At 8:27am on August 23, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Oh Janet - you can tell me every crazy thing you've done, because I've done them all.  Including falling to my knees and crying out lout - Please, Tyler, come back to me.  You have to come back to me.  And not too long ago, either!  My mom ended up in the hospital on Tuesday.  She was admitted for an infection whose origin is still unknown.  But yesterday while I was there, she suddenly crashed right in front of me.  They ended up taking her to the CCU.  Apparently the infection just blew up and she is totally disorientled, etc.  All I could think of was Todd in the hospital.  They are giving her intravenous antibiotics and still trying to track down the cause of the infection.  As of today she is still agitated, disoriented, etc.  I thought to myself - if Todd at his age could succomb to something so quickly, the chances of my mother taking a turn for the worst at 85 are a real possiblity.  I was looking down at her in the bed and for the first time ever I could really see her at age 85.  She usually looks much younger and acts much younger.  But lying in that bed I realized she really isn't.  So say a little prayer for us.  I'm working until about 1:00 and then going down there.  It's about an hour from me and one of my sisters and an hour and a half from the other.

PLUS, to make matters even more unpleasant - my youngest sister has started up again hurling nasty words and things at us, just before this occurred.  NOW we have to all go and sit in the same room together!!!!! 

Isn't life just grand?????

Love - JoAnn

At 2:43pm on August 20, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - just felt I needed to reach out to you today.  I've been very down for a good few weeks now, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  I had a blow up at my husband Saturday.  I think I felt the need to hurt him because I hurt so badly.  Wrong on my part, I know, but I did none the less.  I even spend my dreams waiting for Tyler to appear in them and then getting angry in my dream if he doesn't come, which is mostly the case.  I guess even after all of this time it's hard to fully comprehend that he is gone forever and when that realization does come back to me it sets me back on my heels.  I know you probably feel the same way for all or part of the time.  I think I need to see if my group is meeting this week and get myself over there.  Even spending time with my sister yesterday wasn't enough to snap me out of it.  The other sister was missing because she had basically declared a blood feud with Patti over the stupidest thing.  I think that gets me down too because there are far too few of us left now - why would you go and deliberately cut ties from someone in your family?  I thank you for listening - sometimes all I want from my husband is to sit down, listen to me (even if the things I am saying don't make too much sense) and say - I know, JoAnn, it's hard.   But I can't seem to get that from him.  I know I can always just say what's on my mind here and not worry about what your reaction will be.  I hope things are going easy for you.  Thanks for listening.

Love

JoAnn

At 11:54am on August 13, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Janet - I feel EXACTLY as you do about your relationship with Todd.  It was EXACTLY the same as Tyler and I.  Except my husband would get annoyed sometimes when Tyler and I would roll our eyes at each other!!!!!  I guess he felt that I should have been backing him up on some of the discipline-type things.  But my approach to dealing with Tyler was completely different than Dennis's - from the time he was little!  I don't know - I sort of felt like my approach worked better with Tyler's personality.  I would try to explain that to Dennis, but he would get even MORE annoyed at me!  As more time passes without him I begin to wonder more and more how I am supposed to go on without him.  I just cannot imagine my entire lifetime without my son - he was my friend, my confidant, my biggest cheerleader, the one that made me laugh the hardest and smile the most.  Now gone - all gone.  Thinking about the two of them every time I see a picture from Mars!!

Love - JoAnn

At 8:41am on August 6, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - It was so exciting to see that Mars rover landing and to think of Todd and Tyler's names landing too!!!!! I reminded my husband that they were both up there, and I think that made him smile as well.  I, too, cry every day.  More recently it has been a little more, I think.  On Friday I took a different route home in order to go to the post office in town.  I suddenly remembered something Tyler and I did together on that street and I started to sob so hard I couldn't see well enough to drive.  I guess it might always be that way.  I had hoped that one day I could remember all of the wonderful things we did and smile, but now I am not certain that time will ever come.  The worst is when I have a dream and in the dream I either think he is all right or I believe that I can make him alright.  Then I wake up and have to remind myself that can never be.  It's a heck of a way to start the day or, in this case, to start the week.  Love to you - keep thinking about those two ON MARS!!!!!!!!!!!

At 9:26am on July 10, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Got your message this morning.  Didn't want too much time to go by before I responded, so I responded right away!!!  Oh how I feel for you with what you are going through with your mom.  We are tying to get my mom out of her house and moved up our way.  I finally came to the conclusion this past weekend that there is nothing I can depend upon her to do for herself.  I have to get the realtor, have the house listed, find the new place, get her packed and moved, deal with her attorney to set up a trust. My mom just gets hung up on little things and can't seem to move forward from there.

My one sister is very good with helping, but she is 90 minutes away from my mom and she works too.  My other sister, who does not work and is probably the same distance from my mom as I am, is all but useless.  She will not rearrange any of her plans to fit in attorney appointments.  Every time we give her a task to do like making a doctors appointment for my mom and getting her down there she never follows through.  There have been about 5 such tasks this year and I have ended up doing all of them in the end.  She has a great deal of animosity towards my mother for slights she feel she has suffered.  I have tried to tell her that it's too bad - she is still you mother, you are 55, she is 85, grow up and take responsibility.  But she is truly a self-centered individual who thinks only of herself.  My mom often jokes that she ended up with two good daughters and one not so good!!!  We were all supposed to go to the attorney's office at 5:00 today to sign the final papers for the family trust.  She got the opportunity to go away for the week, but didn't bother telling us it wouldn't work for her.  We were going to reschedule, so I asked her if there were any dates that didn't work for her.  She named about 9 in July!!!!  Then, wehn we got annoyed with her, she told us that she 'did things at night' and we were the problems because we couldn't go until 5:00 (due to work) and we were all just jealous of her lifestyle (?????)  and she was sick of us. 

Did I tell you about what my husband did on July 4th?  I was on our porch and something, nothing, anything set me to sitting there and sobbing.  He came in and, once again like a ninny, he asks what's the matter.  I looked him in the eye and said 'what do you think?'  He then proceeded to walk past me into the kitchen, pour a bowl of cereal and go into the family room to play on the computer.  I would have gone in there and hit him on the side of the head with a shovel, or at least told him what I thought of him, but we were going to get together with my sisters that afternoon and I didn't want to start anything.  I went to my therapist the next day   - every time I tell her one of these stories she says - 'it's hard, he is grieving too and doesn't know how to express it'.  This time I told her the story and said that if she ever said that to me again I would HIT HER with the shovel.  I'm sorry - he MAY be grieving, and he MAY be frustrated because he doesn't know how to comfort me or make me better, or he MAY be just a jerk!!!!!  In any case, the LEAST he could do is come over and put his arms around me or just say something like 'I know Joey, it's hard.

On a lighter note, my 60th birthday turned out to be just wonderful.  The day before my friends at work took me out to lunch and then had a cake in the office.  I took Friday off, my sister took off from work, and my deadbeat :) sister both came over.  They brought balloons and a hat and we went out to brunch.  Came back to my house, sat on the deck, went in the pool, played cards.  That evening my husband took me to my favorite restaurant.  We have been going there every year for my birthday for about 8 years now.  First with Tyler and then without (that first year w/o him was a killer).  And guess what - my sisters, their husbands, my mom, my two friends from work and their spouses were all there!!!!!  I was so surprised and

At 9:26am on July 10, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Got your message this morning.  Didn't want too much time to go by before I responded, so I responded right away!!!  Oh how I feel for you with what you are going through with your mom.  We are tying to get my mom out of her house and moved up our way.  I finally came to the conclusion this past weekend that there is nothing I can depend upon her to do for herself.  I have to get the realtor, have the house listed, find the new place, get her packed and moved, deal with her attorney to set up a trust. My mom just gets hung up on little things and can't seem to move forward from there.

My one sister is very good with helping, but she is 90 minutes away from my mom and she works too.  My other sister, who does not work and is probably the same distance from my mom as I am, is all but useless.  She will not rearrange any of her plans to fit in attorney appointments.  Every time we give her a task to do like making a doctors appointment for my mom and getting her down there she never follows through.  There have been about 5 such tasks this year and I have ended up doing all of them in the end.  She has a great deal of animosity towards my mother for slights she feel she has suffered.  I have tried to tell her that it's too bad - she is still you mother, you are 55, she is 85, grow up and take responsibility.  But she is truly a self-centered individual who thinks only of herself.  My mom often jokes that she ended up with two good daughters and one not so good!!!  We were all supposed to go to the attorney's office at 5:00 today to sign the final papers for the family trust.  She got the opportunity to go away for the week, but didn't bother telling us it wouldn't work for her.  We were going to reschedule, so I asked her if there were any dates that didn't work for her.  She named about 9 in July!!!!  Then, wehn we got annoyed with her, she told us that she 'did things at night' and we were the problems because we couldn't go until 5:00 (due to work) and we were all just jealous of her lifestyle (?????)  and she was sick of us. 

Did I tell you about what my husband did on July 4th?  I was on our porch and something, nothing, anything set me to sitting there and sobbing.  He came in and, once again like a ninny, he asks what's the matter.  I looked him in the eye and said 'what do you think?'  He then proceeded to walk past me into the kitchen, pour a bowl of cereal and go into the family room to play on the computer.  I would have gone in there and hit him on the side of the head with a shovel, or at least told him what I thought of him, but we were going to get together with my sisters that afternoon and I didn't want to start anything.  I went to my therapist the next day   - every time I tell her one of these stories she says - 'it's hard, he is grieving too and doesn't know how to express it'.  This time I told her the story and said that if she ever said that to me again I would HIT HER with the shovel.  I'm sorry - he MAY be grieving, and he MAY be frustrated because he doesn't know how to comfort me or make me better, or he MAY be just a jerk!!!!!  In any case, the LEAST he could do is come over and put his arms around me or just say something like 'I know Joey, it's hard.

On a lighter note, my 60th birthday turned out to be just wonderful.  The day before my friends at work took me out to lunch and then had a cake in the office.  I took Friday off, my sister took off from work, and my deadbeat :) sister both came over.  They brought balloons and a hat and we went out to brunch.  Came back to my house, sat on the deck, went in the pool, played cards.  That evening my husband took me to my favorite restaurant.  We have been going there every year for my birthday for about 8 years now.  First with Tyler and then without (that first year w/o him was a killer).  And guess what - my sisters, their husbands, my mom, my two friends from work and their spouses were all there!!!!!  I was so surprised and

At 11:27am on June 27, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - By the way - I read an article that the Mars ship is scheduled to land on Mars sometime in August.  I told my sister that Tyler and Todd were on it and she thought it was the coolest thing ever.  When that day arrives I will think of you and our two space travelling boys, look up into the sky and smile.

At 7:51pm on June 3, 2012, Phyllis Estes said…

What a sweet letter you sent to me Janet~thank you so much.  Our sons sound so much alike!!  It's just how you described your son to me.  Mine was just the same in many ways.  They are precious aren't they? 

I thank you for sharing your words with me.  You sound like me too.  Maybe God sent us each other huh?  I'm here for you also.

Love and many, many hugs,

~PHYLLIS~

At 3:06pm on May 24, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - sorry it's been so long since I wrote to you last.  I also have problems with my Mom.  We finally got her to agree to move and now there are no units in the complex she likes best.  In the meantime, she rented the downstairs apartment last year.  It was previously used by my grandparents and then my niece.  Having other people down there just stresses her to no end.  She wants everyone to behave exactly as she does, otherwise she gets her shorts in a knot.  She is just too old to be dealing with this.  The house was signed over to me and my three sisters earlier this year.  Tonight I have to call the tenant and ask her to send the rent check to me and to direct any complaints to me.  Then we decided that in mid June we would just notify them that they need to vacate by August 1.  My mother took no security deposit and there is no lease.  She complains that the shower goes all the time, the music goes all the time, the computer goes all the time, they are not 'friendly'.  It's a mom and two teenage daughters, and the divorced husband just showed up with his dog.  My mother just about dropped dead.  Then, if and when they leave, we have to pray that they didn't trash the place too badly, fix up the apartment and THEN put it on the market.  And hope something opens up in the complex she likes and the timing is good.  Plus, we've been having her tested for memory loss, AND trying to set up a family trust for whatever assets she has left.  This wouldn't be so bad, but we are all an hour to an hour and a half away, two of us work, and the one that doesn't work is totally unreliable.

About three weeks ago we got a package in the mail from Tyler's best friend forever, Corey.  He sent a beautiful letter and a copy of the CD he made that just came out on a label.  In the CD sleeve, it says This album is dedicated to Tyler Brozowski 1985/2010.  I just died. My husband got the package first, opened it, and then went upstairs.  I put my head on the table and cried like it was day 1 all over again.  Tyler formed the band with Corey and was going to play bass on the record as well as go touring when it came out.  They went touring last summer, obviously without Tyler.  There were four pictures on the CD sleeve - one of each of the members.  Tyler should have been on there.  I fell into a deep depression that lasted for several weeks.  Cried all the time.  Today my sister (the unreliable one) emailed me to tell me Corey's band will be playing in Danbury in early June.  I have no idea what she is thinking - does she think I'll go to see them.  Then mother's day weekend came and I realized that three years ago that weekend we were up in Wenham for Tyler's graduation.  It was the happiest weekend of my life.  That sent me spinning again. 

This will just never end, that I know.  Sometimes I suddenly get such a physical heartache that I have to fold myself over and cry. I don't think that idea about finding one positive thing every once in a while is working!

I know that Todd's anniversary is rapidly approaching, and I think of you often.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love - Joann

At 8:52am on April 30, 2012, Terri - Autumn's Mom said…

Hi Janet,

Just thought I'd drop you a line and see how you're doing? 

My oldest son is getting ready for prom Saturday and then high school graduation on Mother's day. It's been nice staying busy and having distractions.

My two younger sons seem to have something everyday at school this week, so I'll be there a lot.

I lost my brother when he was 19 and his birthday was April 27, he's been gone almost 30 years.  My mom had her feelings hurt because my sister didn't call her that day.  Sadly I understand where she is coming from.

Anyway, I hope you have a good week!

Hugs

At 1:32pm on April 16, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - good to hear from you as always.  I am glad things with your mom have calmed down somewhat.  Perhaps as she gets more involved there it might grow on her.  That's the best we can hope for.  My heart broke when I read your story about going into Todd's room.  It was exactly as it happened to me and I know the pain and despair and grief you were feeling.  Sometimes I think I am only surviving because I can almost, sort of, kind of put the reality of it to the side of my mind.  When I go into his room, or something like that, the reality just punches me right in the face.  I had a good month or so, but then last Monday it started again.  I don't know if it was the Easter holiday (although we made no big deal about it) or hearing from one of Tyler's friends, or what.  I stayed home Monday because I had been battling a cold.  But I slept all day long.  Every time I awoke I thought 'what am I getting up for' and rolled over and went back to sleep.  That's where my husband found me at 5:00.  I blamed it on the cold, but I wasn't that sick.  Truthfully, I've wanted to do that every single day since I lost Tyler but have dutifully gotten up and tried to go about my existence.  This time I think I just said the heck with it.  It just hurts so much - an actual physical pain in the center of my being - that I wonder how much longer I can keep going with it.  This entire week has been like that.  An ache that never goes away.  An ache that eases for a minute or two when I finally let loose and cry, but comes right back.  It never lets me forget.  It never goes away or eases.  How are we supposed to live like this?  I got your email Friday, but am writing to you from work today because it hit again during lunch and by the time I came back upstairs I was doubled over and crying.  I thought you would be a good one to turn to, so thank you for being here.  You are six or so months ahead of me, but hearing you I realize that there will not be much change in the coming year.  And so I wonder if the rest of our lives will be like this.  And then I wonder how can we continue like this.  And then I think of my husband and my sisters and I know that I am trapped here in this existence until I am called to be with Tyler again.  Then it starts all over again.

Maybe from now on we should tell each other at least one happy moment from the week that we have experienced!  Maybe then we can help each other realize that our lives are not completely lost!

Love to you

JoAnn

At 8:08am on April 6, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Janet - I am so sorry to hear of your troubles with your mom.  Unfortunately I find that many of my friends are going through such similar things.  Still, it is just not fair that you must deal with this along with the loss of Todd.  Yes, sometimes it just seems that life is not worth living anymore.  But I, too, think of my husband and the loss he suffered and realize I can't burden him with another.  Our time will come.  Until then we just need to hang on and live one day at a time.  So we finally get my mom back up to the area where we want her to move, she decides which condo complex she likes the best, and I contact our realtor.  But now every unit in the complex that was available is gone.  And at great prices.  So she is still home waiting to see if something new comes on the market there.  It is a small complex, and she needs the first floor, so we may have to wait a while.  I still haven't gone into Tyler's room since Thanksgiving, never mind thought about cleaning it out.  I went in the day before Thanksgiving to try to fix our telephone modem.  I got half way in and just stopped in my tracks.  I started to cry and moan like a wounded animal, fell to my knees, and couldn't move in or out.  That set me back an entire day, and I was having Thanksgiving at my house, so a lot of prep work went undone!  It just hits home so painfully to go in there, see everything exactly as he had left it that day, and have to face head on that he will never return. 

I just heard of a medium that came highly recommended and who does phone consultations.  I went to her website and she reminds me very much of the woman I went to last year.  I had decided I would only do it that once - I truly felt Tyler was there and came through to her and to me in the most amazing ways.  But after reading this website I may consider doing it again.  I don't know when.  The last time I suddenly felt the need one day and made the appointment for the next week.  I think I will wait for a feeling like that again.

I had my review at work.  It was okay, but not as good as I usually get.  The remarks seemed to say that I wasn't engaged enough and was kind of skating along.  I said to my boss (a woman slightly older than I who had not been here when I lost Tyler) that this was now the new me.  I try as hard as I can at work and home, but I just don't have it in me to give it my all.  We agreed that I still get all my work done and done well.  I told her that if that was not enough I couldn't do much more about it.  She has a son older than Tyler who still lives at home, so she understands to some degree.  I did say I would try to put more into it.  It's all I have left in me.  Sorry.  Even with gardening and yard work, which I used to enjoy, I just about get some flowers in a few pots and call it a summer!!!!!  You must be exhausted dealing with your mom and your daughter.  At least my mom's issues do not require dealing with on a daily basis (at least not yet, but I am sure that day is coming).  So I will try to be extra strong and send some of that strength to you.  Wish sometimes we could hang out and have a cup of coffee in person, but this will have to do!

Hang in there.  Prayers and love are coming your way!  And give that dog a big hug around the neck.  That always makes me feel better!

Love - JoAnn

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