Janet - Todd's Mom's Comments

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At 8:57am on April 2, 2012, Terri - Autumn's Mom said…

I sent you a message in your inbox, it didn't seem to send.  I'm sorry if it sent more than once, if you didn't get it at all, please let me know.

At 9:07am on March 22, 2012, Terri - Autumn's Mom said…

Hi Janet,

Hope you're hanging in there.  The past few weeks have been the most difficult for me so far and it's really hard to look ahead and imagine it getting better! 

Autumn's headstone is getting finished and I've been trying to come up with something to put on the back of it.  I want it to be personal and say what I feel, but it's really hard to come up with what's in my heart.

Anyway, sorry for being a downer, I sure hope you're doing well.

Hugs,

Terri

At 11:01am on March 15, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Janet - I feel so sorry for you on the loss of your Dad.  I truly do.  But it does seem that you may have finally found something wonderful for your mom.  Now, I suppose, you will have to do something with your parent's home.  It never ends, does it?  My mom has finally agreed that moving into an apartment closer to her three daughters is the way to go.  Unfortunately, so much time has passed before she made that decision  that truthfully she should now be moving into some type of assisted or independent living facility.  That should take about another 6 years to convince her.  She will need surgery on her ankle later this spring.  6 weeks in a cast.  She lives on the second floor of her home, washer/dryer in the basement.  I have NO idea  how we are going to handle that one.  I really don't.  The only sister that doesn't work is still a little over an hour away and of all of us, she is the one who has distanced herself from my Mom.

I have to laugh at those people who think we are 'strong'.  I still don't get what they mean.  Because I get out of bed every day?  I do, but I can't wait until I can get back home, put on my sweats, and just sit by myself.  The closer to bedtime it gets, the happier I am.  Because I haven't killed myself?  Don't think I haven't thought about it, but I do have a husband to think of.

I can't muster up the energy to do anything around my house except some cursory cleaning or straightening up.  Dennis and I do the laundry together.  I have ironing that's been sitting in my room for two months.  I shampooed the carpet on the first floor last fall, then the shampoo machine sat there for two weeks.  Dennis finally put it back in the basement.  I never did do the upstairs carpeting.

I used to love doing yard work and gardening.  I barely get the patio furniture out in the yard, put some plants in a few pots and call it a day.  Then I struggle to keep them watered all summer.  Never mind the pruning, weeding, transplanting, etc. I used to do. 

I honestly don't know how I will ever muster up the strength to do anything more than grocery shopping and some cooking now and then.  I usually make one or two things on weekend, then use them as much as possible the rest of the week.  If we run out it's soup, or grilled cheese.

So if they consider that 'brave', then that's what I am.  Personally, I see it as just hanging on.  That's how I feel mentally and physically.  I am tired all the time, have no energy, can't get myself to care about eating correctly, trying to diet, exercising, any of those things.  I suppose if I keep it up my health will slowly start to decline for real.  And then I can just fade away.

Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea!!!!!

That trip to the shore where the butterflies migrated was so special to me.  The best part was that my two sisters walked down to the end of the populated area.  They wanted to take a picture of the wide, sweeping beach that was completely empty, with the lighthouse in the distance and the butterflies going by.  When they looked at the picture there was the beach, the lighthouse, but only one perfect monarch butterfly in the left hand portion of the picture.  The three of us just sat and cried and hugged each other.

My husband thinks that we are crazy for reading signs into these things, but if I didn't have that faith I wouldn't have anything to hold on to.  At least my mind playing tricks on me helps me to feel connected to Tyler now and then.

Of course, these signs COULD be real, and that would be just great, wouldn't it?

Wishing you strength and peace every day.

Love,

JoAnn

At 2:15pm on March 5, 2012, Terri - Autumn's Mom said…

Janet,

I just read on the main page about the loss of your dad and I wanted to send my condolences.  It sure sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and I just want you to know you're in my thoughts!

Hugs,

Terri

At 1:26pm on February 23, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

LOL

At 2:05pm on February 17, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Janet - my sister just told me yesterday how strong and brave I am.  I tried to tell her that was not the case.  Why would you say that?  Because I didn't kill myself? Sometimes I think that would be the brave thing to do.  Because I get up and go to work and seem to function in the world?  I go home and do nothing - I have no interest in housework, movies, tv, books, most friends.  I am tired from the minute I get up to the minute I fall asleep - tired from trying to deal with this every minute of every day.  I could actually sleep ten hours a night, and yet I never wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day.  I feel like Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol - dragging around heavy weights and chains that I cannot rid myself of.  Always.  ALL THE TIME.  And I will never be free of them nor will they ever get any lighter.  So why would you call that strong and brave.  If I had to describe myself I would say defeated, hopeless, trapped, condemned. 

One of Tyler's friends who got married in 2010 is having a baby.  I am happy for them.  I really am.  But with every happy thought comes the realization this will never happen for Tyler.

I cannot believe Todd died at the same time he was born - TYLER DID TOO!!!  2:15 in the afternoon.   I always kept that to myself but I cannot believe it happened to you as well.

Did you ever go to that group for journaling?  Were you able to meet up with any other parents?  I spent some time online the last few days, pouring my heart out to one of my sisters about how I really feel, the sadness, guilt, longing.  It helps to just be able to communicate with someone who will listen, but it helps more to communicate with someone who understands.

Sometimes I actually get more out of this site than the group I go to at healing hearts. 

My thoughts are with you and your family, as always.

JoAnn

At 1:40pm on February 14, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I feel so sorry about Sunday and your tea kettle.  I KNOW something like that will happen sooner or later to me.  I use the mug in work that Tyler used in work.  I wash and put it away myself.  But one of these days I am afraid that something will happen to it and I will lose it completely right in the middle of work.  If that happens I will pick myself up and head right out the door until the next day.  Sometimes working here is okay, other times I think I want to open one of the windows and just jump.  Sitting at lunch today I just pictured Tyler at his desk telling me something about express mail boxes from the post office.  I'm at a table with 8 people and I just want to die. 

We have a couple who we have been friends with since college.  They have two children, one older and one younger than Tyler.  They are all successful and doing their own thing.  For my friend's 60th birthday this past saturday they met in the city and had a photographer follow them around and do a photo shoot.  She actually sent me the link today to look at the 'Maniglia Family Photos'.  ARE YOU KIDDDING ME?????  I love them both and they have been very good to us since we lost Tyler but come on, do you really think I want to look at that????  My 60th will be in June and believe me, it won't be any thing like hers was.  I want to hate them so badly.  Every one who has an intact family.  But on the other hand I don't wish this on anyone, no matter who they are. 

It's funny that you mentioned about your parents' past independence.  My mom was always that way, owning her own business, etc.  Then my dad got sick and she was at the nursing home with him non-stop for 18 months. He passed away ten years ago tonight, in the early hours of 02/15.  Since then she still lives in her own house despite us pleading with her to move closer to us and to somewhere with no stairs.  But she is as stubborn as can be.  About one year ago I finally started to check into going to the doctor with her, reviewing her finances with her, seeing an attorney with her.  It was frightening to find out some of the bad decisions she had been making because she wouldn't come to any of us for help or advice.  I started to calmly but firmly go over things with her and with her doctor, attorney, etc.  I really believe it was a huge relief for her to finally be able to turn that stuff over to someone else.  And, I think she finally saw that some of her choices were not the best and that it was probably time to let her children make those decisions and have her stick to them.  The next BIG hurdle is getting her to move.  We actually went to look at places in November.  She warmed up to the idea and I told her just this week that we would be going out again in the next month or so.  It's that or an assisted living facility.

Yesterday I stopped to get a Valentine's card for my mother-in-law.  Right there are all the cards - To a Wonderful Son.  Sometimes I just have no idea how I can keep taking it.  I just close my eyes and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  But I think one of these days I'll hit the wall and then I have no idea what will happen.

So until then I will rely on the love and friendship of those like you!

Happy Valentine's Day

JoAnn

At 8:29am on February 8, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I feel so sorry for what you are going through with your parents.  A very close friend in work is experiencing the same thing, and I am too, with my mom, to some extent.  They are all so set in their ways and I guess it's hard for them to relinquish that 'parent' role to their children.  But as much as we love them it just wears on us. Especially considering what we have to live with. 

I rarely tell people about my silent scream - 'come back to me, you have to come back to me'.  Even my husband.  But it seems you understand all too well.  I feel like a child having a temper tantrum.  You want something so badly and yet you can't have it.  Maybe this is what hell is.  Wanting something so badly that you know you never can have. 

But don't worry about not being able to find Todd.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will be the first person you see, with a big smile on his face and his arms outstretched to you to give you a big bear hug.  No more hesitation about touching or hugging.  None.  And all the beloved dogs that have passed before you too!  Just keep that vision in front of you as you move from day to day.  I bet Tyler will be right next to him as well, thanking you for helping his mom.  

Yes, my dog story was so upsetting to me and then, to see him looking over the stairs was just too much.  I sat and hugged him and told him again that he is the only thing that keeps me going and that I need him so very much.  Then I was so emotionally spent that I lay down on the bed, put the comforter over me and went to sleep.  But now that it's over I do look back and laugh.

Our dogs are so wonderful - a true gift from God.  Every new one that comes into my life just gets better and better.  This one was a stray I got from Labs4Rescue.  He had been left on the side of the road in southern Alabama.  He was brought to a shelter.  Labs4Rescue has volunteers that visit shelters and look for labs and lab mixes.  They behavior test them and then take them in.  They transport them to a foster home and then place them. 

My dog is the most wonderful soul - gentle, kind, loving, perfect in ever way.  I can't understand how someone would abandon him that way.  But he's got the life of riley now!  When we adopted him labs4rescue had placed about 700 dogs.  This past month they placed their 10,000th dog!!!!!

And you are right - they understand us and our moods and our feelings.  I know my dog misses Tyler and I know he is aware of the pain I'm in.  And I know he realizes that this is his purpose - to love me and help fill the void in my life. 

I've been having some dizzy spells off and on, upon standing.  One was pretty bad and I had to grab onto a chair to keep from falling.  I mentioned it to my sister and she's insistent that I go to a doctor.  How do I tell her that I really don't care what's wrong with me?  That I won't waste the time to see someone because I don't care?  If it's something serious, then so be it. People look at you strangely when you tell them that.  I guess they will never get it.

I am always on your side, praying for your family and Todd, and thanking you for the friendship and solidarity you give me!

Love

JoAnn

At 11:14am on February 7, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I've been thinking about you and your parents and hoping everything was as well as it could be.  Are they still in rehab, or have they come back home?  Doesn't it just seem wrong that they (and my mom and mother-in-law as well) just go on living at such advanced ages and our sons are gone?  I don't mean to suggest even a tiny bit that they shouldn't be here, but something about it just isn't right. 

I do exactly as you do - I scream in my head and, on occasion out loud - just come back, you have to come back, you have to come back.  After two years.  Go figure.  Just shows you what the human mind goes through.  I think it does amazing things to keep us alive.  Without the denial I think sometimes I wouldn't have been able to stay alive.  I think the mind lets out only as much as you can handle at one time.  In time I believe the denial will end completely, but not yet I guess. 

Lately I've been thinking about that first year and I am amazed that I was actually able to live through it.  Looking back I see how crazy and hard and impossible it was.  I have to feel a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing that it is over and I DID live through it and that compared to that year I am better.  But if I ever had to live through it again (and I won't, seeing as I have no other children) I would just end it right then and there.  I tell people I meet who are still in that first year to just hang on and do anything they have to (church, friends, therapy, meds, whatever) to get through that time. 

I have to share with you parts of an email I got from the Prayer Registry, a group started by Sheri Migdol - she lost her son about the time you lost Todd.  She said, in so many words 'We cannot hold time or anything for that matter.  Everything changes. In 100 years, no one physically here now will be here then. That's an amazing thought because we live in denial of this, somehow thinking we will go on forever.  Well, in terms of the spirit we will, but not in this body or incarnation. Death is only a position in time. Our children have only made the crossing before us.  Maybe too soon, but our relationship with our children is far from over. They will endure this separation, so exist as the kids hold the fort down on their side, awaiting our arrival.  They are the first ones we will see when we cross over.'

Reading that just made me feel a little better, thinking about those words and looking at it in that light.  I printed the email out and told myself that I would read it each morning to try to get my head in the right place to face another day.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but I still like it.  Makes you think of death in a different light.  That doesn't mean I wouldn't move heaven and earth to have him and talk to him and hug him and kiss him.  I would give everything I own for five minutes. 

The super bowl was bittersweet. The last Giants/Pats game Tyler was living in Beverly and we would call each other after each big play and scream into the phone.  I couldn't help but remember that all through the game. It's that kind of stuff I miss so much.

Your friend sounds like an great person, but you sound like an ever better person for offering your hand in friendship to her in the first place.  The Saturday after Tyler's anniversary I let my dog out and thought my husband was keeping an eye on him as he worked outside.  About 30 minutes later I stuck my head out and asked him about the dog.  He hadn't known he was out! I ran out the back door onto the deck to see if he was in the yard but he didn't come when I called.  We both ran to our cars and scoured the neighborhood for about an hour.  I cried and screamed and ranted at God the entire time - how could he do this to me now after taking my son. About an hour later I came home.  Dennis was in the driveway.  I ran in the house to see if anyone had called the number on the tag. As I scrambled up the stairs, MY DOG IS PEERING AT ME FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE! He must have come around the back and, seeing the slider wide open (which is how I left it when i ran back in the house) he just moseyed on in, went upstairs, jumped on my bed and went to sleep.  When he heard me come in he jumped down and went to the top of the staircase to see what the commotion was all about!!!!!  I swear, Janet, I know he's old, but I tell him every day that if I lose him it's all over.  I think he knows.

Love and prayers to you all.  JoAnn

At 11:39am on January 30, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Janet - I am so very sorry for your recent troubles.  It seems so unfair that you need to deal with so much, considering what you have already been through.  I hope your stomach bug is getting better.  I had bronchitis for four weeks, beginning xmas day.  Just lingered and lingered.  And now I am trying to get my mom checked by the doctor, and an attorney to arrange her personal affairs, in addition to trying to get her to sell her home and move elsewhere.  I just feel like a zombie going through the motions.  I can't even get all worked up about any of it.  Last Thursday was Tyler's second anniversary.  As you know, he passed away in my office.  But like a good little soldier I try to carry on, so I went to work that day.  My floor was empty except for myself.  One of my good friends came up when she got in and hugged and kissed me.  The other one never even called me or stuck her head in the second floor door.  I know that life goes on for other people, but that sort of hurt.  Then, about 12:00 noon, I started to lose it and I thought to myself - what on earth can be so important here that you have to subject yourself to sitting here?????  So I cleaned up my desk, emailed my boss and left.  I went home, put on my sweats, sat on the sofa with my dog, took a photo I have of the three of us, hugged it to my chest and just cried and cried and wailed and screamed.  When I was physically and emotionally spent I just put my head down and took a nap.  My sisters called me and told me to take off the next day.  We met, went shopping, had lunch, then we went to the tree that had been planted in Tyler's memory at church and left flowers (we just couldn't bring ourselves to go to the cemetary).  It really helped.  In the meantime the friend that hadn't acknowledged the day called me at home and said she had come down to see me but I had already left (I left at 12:30, mind you).  She was sorry but she had been busy (I heard her upstairs in another office laughing and carrying on that morning).  She had something for me - was I going to be in the next day?  I just told her I didn't know and hung up.  By the way, I haven't heard from her today yet at all (Monday at 12:35).  I know it is wrong of me to expect things from people.  They all move on with their lives, but I never will.  It's just that she was so good to me and so close to me that entire first year that I guess I expected some kind of acknowledgement.  Now I'm just feeling that sadness and loss and realization that nothing will ever change.  My life as I knew it is over, and the life that I was left with is just something I need to get through.  Hope things start to improve for you.  Know that I am praying for you, your parents and Todd!

Love JoAnn

At 11:26am on January 20, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - vent all you want about your parents.  My mom is 85 and we are having the same issue with her.  My dad passed away 10 years ago this February, and my mom has remained in the house we grew up in despite our very vocal objections.  It is an hour to an hour and a half away from her three daughters, she lives on the second floor, there is a flight of steps to go up outside just to get to the front door, the washer/dryer is in the basement.  She goes down the steps backwards because her knees hurt to go down correctly.  She drives her friends (many of whom are younger than she) whenever they go out to church or to eat.  We beg her to move closer to us so that 1) we can see more of her 2) she can be in a stairless environment.  She claims she doesn't want to leave her 'friends'.  What the heck about us????  It's difficult to get down to do things for her at her house unless we go on the weekends.  I had last monday off and spent the day driving down, picking her up, taking her to her attorney, bringing her back home.  That was my entire day off.  Did the same thing in December when she went to the doctor's office.  She could have gone by herself, but I wanted to talk to him.  Took a half day off from work to go to the bank with her to put my name on her bank accounts.  It would be so much easier if she moved near my one sister.  Then she would be five minutes from her, and 30 minutes from her other two daughters.  She doesn't understand why we don't go down and help more with things around the house.  We need to wait for the weekend and then, when the weekend comes, we all have our own houses that need things done.  Plus, now we won't even let her drive on her own up to our houses, so every time we want to get together for a holiday or something one of us has to drive down and get her and then the next day someone needs to take her back.  We told her she was so stubborn that one day (God forbid) she was going to fall down the stairs, break a hip, and go directly from the house into a nursing home.  It's like talking to a wall.  I am glad you liked the pictures, that was the first time I was able to look at them. I had felt a little better when we got back from Florida for the first time in a long time.  Unfortunately, next thursday is Tyler's anniversary and the sadness is bearing down once again. I dreamt about him last night.  He was working and I was just on the side watching him thinking what a fine young man he was.  Then, of course, I had to wake up.  I don't know how someone can be so sad all the time and keep on going, but I guess I am just doing it.  I miss him so very, very much.  Everything about him.  I want to let myself just think about all the things I loved about him, but then I get so very sad again. Janet, I just want my son, I just want him. I know you know exactly what I mean.  These two years seemed to have gone by so quickly - I started to wish the next ten years would come and go as well.  I cannot conceive a life lived in this way for so many years.  I just can't.  I used to pray to God for strength, but I finally decided that nobody was going to help me get through this - I just need to realize that and make myself do it on my own. I think back on those photos and remember how happy and grateful I was, and then I look at our lives now and I wonder how it could have changed so much.  I want to be grateful for having had that time with Tyler, and if I get to that point I will consider myself as having reached a milestone.  But I am nowhere near that point yet.  I suppose that is a goal I should strive for.  Did you go to that group you were speaking about?  The one about journeling?

Love to you, your family and to Todd.

JoAnn

At 1:42pm on January 12, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Janet - I had not realized that today was Todd's birthday.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I received something today from another site - the Prayer Registry.  It is kept by a woman by the name of Sheri Pearl.  She keeps a calendar of children's anniversary dates, and sends out reminders daily for members to pray for those children.  She sent an email yesterday that just resonated so deeply with me.  It is the first thing in a long time that gave me any comfort.  I printed out two copies and will keep one in work and one at home.  I plan to read it every morning to try to make myself realize the truth to the words. 

It goes like this.....

"We cannot hold time or anything for that matter.  One thing I know for sure is that everything changes.  In 100 years from now, no one who is in physical reality now will be here then.  That's an amazing thought because we basically live in denial of this, somehow thinking that we will go on forever.  Well, we will, in terms of the spirit, but as we all know, not in this body, not in this incarnation.  I like to think that our children, who have made the crossing before us, will be the first ones we will see when we cross over.  I see death now as a position in time.  Panic not, our relationships with our children are far from over.  They will endure this separation; exist none the less, as the kids hold down the fort on their side, awaiting our arrival."

It just makes me feel more peaceful, more in tune with Tyler, somehow. 

 

Many of our friends contributed and had a tree planted at church with a plaque for Tyler.  Seeing that plaque really hurts me, yet seeing Todd's gives you comfort.  I, too, put up wind chimes and small things like that.

 

I posted some pictures of Tyler and myself on my page, but I don't know if you can access them.  For the first time in almost two years I could look at them and just remember him and what a great time we had.  My therapist sees this as something of a breakthrough.  I am a little more reluctant to call it that.  Let's face it, tomorrow I might not be able to look at them at all.

 

Remembering you, Todd and your family.

JoAnn

At 10:58am on January 10, 2012, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm back from Florida.  It was really horrible.  We left xmas day and on the plane there were all families and people going to meet relatives.  Also, my in-law's home is where we escaped to last year about a month after Tyler's passing.  The minute the garage door opened I just lost it.  I sat down in the living room and just sobbed and sobbed all night long and told my husband I wanted to go home.  The first several days were still hard.  The second week got somewhat better.  Coming home I felt better than I have since the holidays began, except when I see xmas lights and decorations people haven't taken down.  I scream as I go past - take down your friggin decorations already!!!  Of course, I do it with the window closed so no one thinks I've lost my mind.  Tyler's anniversary is the 26th of this month. Of course I am not looking forward to it, but keep trying to tell myself it will be just another day.  Plus, when that day is over I'm home free for a while.  Last year wasn't too bad, but I had been dreading it for so long that when the day finally came I was almost relieved.  I can't believe it's been two years since I last saw my beautiful boy.  I looked up yesterday and saw his graduation picutre behind my desk.  He looked so beautiful and full of life I just couldn't believe he was gone.  You would think I would be over that by now.  I got sick just at xmas with some kind of bronchial thing.  I still have it.  My husband keeps yelling at me for not going to the doctor, and ever since I got it I keep thinking about Todd and the pneumonia.  I won't do anything to harm myself, but I really don't go out of my way to help myself either.  Like not going to the doctor for this cough.  I purchased a rose on the organ donation float in the rose bowl parade.  You could donate and have a rose with a message placed on the bed of the float in the remembrance garden.  I wrote - we are as proud of you in death as we were in life.  But I never got to see the parade because there was no cable in the house.  As soon as I can make myself look at some of our pix I will send you those with he and I.  I can still remember the total joy I would feel each time we would take a picture like that together because I was the happiest person in the world.  I often felt guilty that I had such a good life both growing up and as an adult, as compared to some others.  I was wondering the other day if we all are allotted a certain amount of heartache and mine was just all crammed in at the end of my life?  I am so excited to hear about the Mars trip.  I was wondering when it was going, but didn't know how to go about looking for information.  Dennis loved sci-fi too, and got Tyler to love it as well.  The last movie he saw was Avatar, the week before he passed.  Dennis loved it too, and watches it often.  I wonder if he realizes the significance of that movie, or if he just likes it that much.  It's funny how much Todd and Tyler's personalities matched in many ways.  I hope they have met up together and are talking about their moms the way we talk about our sons!

Love,

JoAnn

At 9:27pm on December 27, 2011, Alicia Rodriguez said…
Hi janet just wondering how you been doing.how was you're xmas.im just glad it's over my bday is 1/2 .How i wich jesse were here.but he won't be im so sad that his gone.i miss him.im so depress.sometimes don't know what to do.well hope to hear from you.Alicia Jesse's Mom.Thinking Of you.Pray you're doing fine.Friend. Hug to you.
At 9:39am on December 20, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I am sorry there are so many multiple posts of the same thing.  Each time I tried to post it there was an error message, so I kept trying!!!!  Now I look and I see about 8 of the same posts.  Sorry again.  Only another week or so to go.  This year has been so much harder than last.  Really.  I guess reality has set in and there is nothing left but the knowledge of how much we have really lost.  I would consider asking the doctor to adjust or change my medication but really, would that take away the problem?  I look at that picture with you and Todd and I can see how very happy you were.  I used to feel exactly the same way when I was with my son.  I have several pix with the two of us together just like you and Todd. I will see if I can find them and send them to you.  I actually went into his room the day before thanksgiving to get something.  I got halfway in and stopped dead in my tracks, looked around, and just started to scream.  I had to back out, close the door, fall onto my bed and bury my face in my pillow.  I was supposed to be cooking and cleaning for thanksgiving, but I lost the whole afternoon!  Do you think that someday we will be a little more normal?  Do you ever feel like you are screaming on the inside and there is no one that can hear you and help you?  I get that feeling a lot.

I wish you only peace and tranquility this year for christmas.  There is nothing more I can offer you.   And I hope that 2012 brings you a tiny bit more in the way of healing.  These are my prayers for you! 

Love - JoAnn

At 12:18pm on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm having trouble posting a response here.  Can you send me your email address and I can resend my response to you directly via email?

JoAnn

 

At 12:16pm on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hello Janet - I'm glad you liked the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was just fine - I was so busy I couldn't think of anything else.  The family behaved and had a good time.  But the day after and ever since have been really difficult.  Every tree on every car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial is just so painful.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree & put some lights on it. I bought some gifts for the families we adopt thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards to close family.  This year I don't want anything to do with it.  It seems so much harder this year.   It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would love to decorate and put up a real tree.  When Tyler wa little it seemed almost magical to do it.  As he got older I still did it, althought he probably didn't care as much. And I looked forward to doing it for his children and family as well. Now there is no point in doing any of it anymore.  Every day I realize that not only did I lose him, but a million other things as well - like grandchildren and sharing holidays.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve with my family, although not at our house as we always had in the past.  Christmas day Dennis and I leave for Florida to go to my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  I just need to put an end to the holiday season as quickly as possible.  Last year we stayed and spent both Christmas eve and day with my family, and it just got to be too much.  I spent much of the day outside just staring at the sky and wondering why.  Then Tyler's anniversary is in January.  I dreaded it last year.  This year I don't think it will be as bad.  So if I can juist get to the end of the year it might get better.  I've been doing a lot more crying, even in work.  As you know - the slightest thing can set it off.  And I can tell Dennis is feeling it as well, even if he doesn't talk about it much with me. His mood has been darker and he has had a much shorter fuse.  When I confronted him about it he just said - JoAnn, I don't know what to tell you - I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's not with me - it's unhappiness with our circumstances.  But when you are unhappy with life in general, it tends to flow over into all areas of your life, our relationship with each other as well.  I guess we need to just hold on and try to keep this marriage together. 

I've also become extremely angry with god again - I begged him all the time to keep my son safe and when it came right down to it he did nothing.

Well, Janet, just two more weeks of going through the motions and all of this holiday stuff will be over!!!!  Stay strong.

Love to you always, JoAnn

At 12:14pm on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hello Janet - I'm glad you liked the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was just fine - I was so busy I couldn't think of anything else.  The family behaved and had a good time.  But the day after and ever since have been really difficult.  Every tree on every car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial is just so painful.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree & put some lights on it. I bought some gifts for the families we adopt thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards to close family.  This year I don't want anything to do with it.  It seems so much harder this year.   It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would love to decorate and put up a real tree.  When Tyler wa little it seemed almost magical to do it.  As he got older I still did it, althought he probably didn't care as much. And I looked forward to doing it for his children and family as well. Now there is no point in doing any of it anymore.  Every day I realize that not only did I lose him, but a million other things as well - like grandchildren and sharing holidays.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve with my family, although not at our house as we always had in the past.  Christmas day Dennis and I leave for Florida to go to my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  I just need to put an end to the holiday season as quickly as possible.  Last year we stayed and spent both Christmas eve and day with my family, and it just got to be too much.  I spent much of the day outside just staring at the sky and wondering why.  Then Tyler's anniversary is in January.  I dreaded it last year.  This year I don't think it will be as bad.  So if I can juist get to the end of the year it might get better.  I've been doing a lot more crying, even in work.  As you know - the slightest thing can set it off.  And I can tell Dennis is feeling it as well, even if he doesn't talk about it much with me. His mood has been darker and he has had a much shorter fuse.  When I confronted him about it he just said - JoAnn, I don't know what to tell you - I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's not with me - it's unhappiness with our circumstances.  But when you are unhappy with life in general, it tends to flow over into all areas of your life, our relationship with each other as well.  I guess we need to just hold on and try to keep this marriage together. 

I've also become extremely angry with god again - I begged him all the time to keep my son safe and when it came right down to it he did nothing.

Well, Janet, just two more weeks of going through the motions and all of this holiday stuff will be over!!!!  Stay strong.

Love to you always, JoAnn

At 12:14pm on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hello Janet - I'm glad you liked the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was just fine - I was so busy I couldn't think of anything else.  The family behaved and had a good time.  But the day after and ever since have been really difficult.  Every tree on every car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial is just so painful.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree & put some lights on it. I bought some gifts for the families we adopt thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards to close family.  This year I don't want anything to do with it.  It seems so much harder this year.   It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would love to decorate and put up a real tree.  When Tyler wa little it seemed almost magical to do it.  As he got older I still did it, althought he probably didn't care as much. And I looked forward to doing it for his children and family as well. Now there is no point in doing any of it anymore.  Every day I realize that not only did I lose him, but a million other things as well - like grandchildren and sharing holidays.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve with my family, although not at our house as we always had in the past.  Christmas day Dennis and I leave for Florida to go to my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  I just need to put an end to the holiday season as quickly as possible.  Last year we stayed and spent both Christmas eve and day with my family, and it just got to be too much.  I spent much of the day outside just staring at the sky and wondering why.  Then Tyler's anniversary is in January.  I dreaded it last year.  This year I don't think it will be as bad.  So if I can juist get to the end of the year it might get better.  I've been doing a lot more crying, even in work.  As you know - the slightest thing can set it off.  And I can tell Dennis is feeling it as well, even if he doesn't talk about it much with me. His mood has been darker and he has had a much shorter fuse.  When I confronted him about it he just said - JoAnn, I don't know what to tell you - I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's not with me - it's unhappiness with our circumstances.  But when you are unhappy with life in general, it tends to flow over into all areas of your life, our relationship with each other as well.  I guess we need to just hold on and try to keep this marriage together. 

I've also become extremely angry with god again - I begged him all the time to keep my son safe and when it came right down to it he did nothing.

Well, Janet, just two more weeks of going through the motions and all of this holiday stuff will be over!!!!  Stay strong.

Love to you always, JoAnn

At 11:50am on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm glad you like the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was fine - too busy to be concerned w/ anything else.  The family behaved & had a good time.  But the day after and ever since then have really been difficult.  Every tree on a car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial for Christmas just causes more pain.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree and we put some decorations on it.  I bought some gifts for families we adopted thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards for close family.  This year I want nothing to do w/ any of it.  It seems much harder this year.  It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would decorate & put up a real tree.  When Tyler was little I was so happy to do it.  As he got older I still felt the same way, although he probably didn't care as much.  And I looked forward to doing it for his children too.  Now there is no point in doing any of it.  Every day I feel that I have not only lost him, but a million other things as well - like not doing up Christmas for grandchildren.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve w/ my family as we always do, but on hristmas day we are leaving for Florida.  We will stay in my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  Just need to put an end to the holiday as fast as possible. Last year we stayed and had Christmas at my sister's and, w/ the night before, it got to be just too much.  I spent a lot of the day outside staring at the stars and wondering why.  Tyler's anniversary is in January, and last year I was dreading that, but this year I don't think that will be as bad.  So if I can just get to January it might be a little better.  As you well know - the slightest thing can set me off.  I've done a lot more crying in work than I have before.  And I can tell that Dennis is feeling it more, even if he doesn't discuss it.  His mood has been darker and his patience a little shorter.  When I mentioned that to him he finally said - well, I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's unhappiness with our circumstances.  Not with each other, but when you are so unhappy w/ your life in general it kind of flows over to each other.  He's the only one around to take out my unhappiness on, and vice versa.  We just need to stay strong enough to keep this marriage together.  I've become extremely angry with God again - I prayed all the time for him to keep Tyler safe, and when push came to shove he did nothing. 

Just two more weeks of going through the motions and this holiday stuff will be over!!!  Stay strong.  Love to you always.

JoAnn

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