Janet - Todd's Mom's Comments

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At 11:49am on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm glad you like the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was fine - too busy to be concerned w/ anything else.  The family behaved & had a good time.  But the day after and ever since then have really been difficult.  Every tree on a car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial for Christmas just causes more pain.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree and we put some decorations on it.  I bought some gifts for families we adopted thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards for close family.  This year I want nothing to do w/ any of it.  It seems much harder this year.  It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would decorate & put up a real tree.  When Tyler was little I was so happy to do it.  As he got older I still felt the same way, although he probably didn't care as much.  And I looked forward to doing it for his children too.  Now there is no point in doing any of it.  Every day I feel that I have not only lost him, but a million other things as well - like not doing up Christmas for grandchildren.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve w/ my family as we always do, but on hristmas day we are leaving for Florida.  We will stay in my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  Just need to put an end to the holiday as fast as possible. Last year we stayed and had Christmas at my sister's and, w/ the night before, it got to be just too much.  I spent a lot of the day outside staring at the stars and wondering why.  Tyler's anniversary is in January, and last year I was dreading that, but this year I don't think that will be as bad.  So if I can just get to January it might be a little better.  As you well know - the slightest thing can set me off.  I've done a lot more crying in work than I have before.  And I can tell that Dennis is feeling it more, even if he doesn't discuss it.  His mood has been darker and his patience a little shorter.  When I mentioned that to him he finally said - well, I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's unhappiness with our circumstances.  Not with each other, but when you are so unhappy w/ your life in general it kind of flows over to each other.  He's the only one around to take out my unhappiness on, and vice versa.  We just need to stay strong enough to keep this marriage together.  I've become extremely angry with God again - I prayed all the time for him to keep Tyler safe, and when push came to shove he did nothing. 

Just two more weeks of going through the motions and this holiday stuff will be over!!!  Stay strong.  Love to you always.

JoAnn

At 11:49am on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm glad you like the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was fine - too busy to be concerned w/ anything else.  The family behaved & had a good time.  But the day after and ever since then have really been difficult.  Every tree on a car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial for Christmas just causes more pain.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree and we put some decorations on it.  I bought some gifts for families we adopted thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards for close family.  This year I want nothing to do w/ any of it.  It seems much harder this year.  It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would decorate & put up a real tree.  When Tyler was little I was so happy to do it.  As he got older I still felt the same way, although he probably didn't care as much.  And I looked forward to doing it for his children too.  Now there is no point in doing any of it.  Every day I feel that I have not only lost him, but a million other things as well - like not doing up Christmas for grandchildren.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve w/ my family as we always do, but on hristmas day we are leaving for Florida.  We will stay in my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  Just need to put an end to the holiday as fast as possible. Last year we stayed and had Christmas at my sister's and, w/ the night before, it got to be just too much.  I spent a lot of the day outside staring at the stars and wondering why.  Tyler's anniversary is in January, and last year I was dreading that, but this year I don't think that will be as bad.  So if I can just get to January it might be a little better.  As you well know - the slightest thing can set me off.  I've done a lot more crying in work than I have before.  And I can tell that Dennis is feeling it more, even if he doesn't discuss it.  His mood has been darker and his patience a little shorter.  When I mentioned that to him he finally said - well, I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's unhappiness with our circumstances.  Not with each other, but when you are so unhappy w/ your life in general it kind of flows over to each other.  He's the only one around to take out my unhappiness on, and vice versa.  We just need to stay strong enough to keep this marriage together.  I've become extremely angry with God again - I prayed all the time for him to keep Tyler safe, and when push came to shove he did nothing. 

Just two more weeks of going through the motions and this holiday stuff will be over!!!  Stay strong.  Love to you always.

JoAnn

At 11:49am on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm glad you like the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was fine - too busy to be concerned w/ anything else.  The family behaved & had a good time.  But the day after and ever since then have really been difficult.  Every tree on a car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial for Christmas just causes more pain.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree and we put some decorations on it.  I bought some gifts for families we adopted thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards for close family.  This year I want nothing to do w/ any of it.  It seems much harder this year.  It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would decorate & put up a real tree.  When Tyler was little I was so happy to do it.  As he got older I still felt the same way, although he probably didn't care as much.  And I looked forward to doing it for his children too.  Now there is no point in doing any of it.  Every day I feel that I have not only lost him, but a million other things as well - like not doing up Christmas for grandchildren.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve w/ my family as we always do, but on hristmas day we are leaving for Florida.  We will stay in my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  Just need to put an end to the holiday as fast as possible. Last year we stayed and had Christmas at my sister's and, w/ the night before, it got to be just too much.  I spent a lot of the day outside staring at the stars and wondering why.  Tyler's anniversary is in January, and last year I was dreading that, but this year I don't think that will be as bad.  So if I can just get to January it might be a little better.  As you well know - the slightest thing can set me off.  I've done a lot more crying in work than I have before.  And I can tell that Dennis is feeling it more, even if he doesn't discuss it.  His mood has been darker and his patience a little shorter.  When I mentioned that to him he finally said - well, I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's unhappiness with our circumstances.  Not with each other, but when you are so unhappy w/ your life in general it kind of flows over to each other.  He's the only one around to take out my unhappiness on, and vice versa.  We just need to stay strong enough to keep this marriage together.  I've become extremely angry with God again - I prayed all the time for him to keep Tyler safe, and when push came to shove he did nothing. 

Just two more weeks of going through the motions and this holiday stuff will be over!!!  Stay strong.  Love to you always.

JoAnn

At 11:49am on December 14, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - I'm glad you like the picture of Tyler.  It is so hard to look at them, but one of the other mothers asked me to put it up, so I just did!  Thanksgiving was fine - too busy to be concerned w/ anything else.  The family behaved & had a good time.  But the day after and ever since then have really been difficult.  Every tree on a car roof, every house w/ lights, every commercial for Christmas just causes more pain.  Last year I relented and got a tiny tabletop tree and we put some decorations on it.  I bought some gifts for families we adopted thru work.  Even sent out a handful of cards for close family.  This year I want nothing to do w/ any of it.  It seems much harder this year.  It was always my favorite time of the year.  I would decorate & put up a real tree.  When Tyler was little I was so happy to do it.  As he got older I still felt the same way, although he probably didn't care as much.  And I looked forward to doing it for his children too.  Now there is no point in doing any of it.  Every day I feel that I have not only lost him, but a million other things as well - like not doing up Christmas for grandchildren.  It is truly neverending.  We are spending Christmas eve w/ my family as we always do, but on hristmas day we are leaving for Florida.  We will stay in my in-law's home.  They no longer live there.  Just need to put an end to the holiday as fast as possible. Last year we stayed and had Christmas at my sister's and, w/ the night before, it got to be just too much.  I spent a lot of the day outside staring at the stars and wondering why.  Tyler's anniversary is in January, and last year I was dreading that, but this year I don't think that will be as bad.  So if I can just get to January it might be a little better.  As you well know - the slightest thing can set me off.  I've done a lot more crying in work than I have before.  And I can tell that Dennis is feeling it more, even if he doesn't discuss it.  His mood has been darker and his patience a little shorter.  When I mentioned that to him he finally said - well, I'm just not happy.  And I know exactly what he means.  It's unhappiness with our circumstances.  Not with each other, but when you are so unhappy w/ your life in general it kind of flows over to each other.  He's the only one around to take out my unhappiness on, and vice versa.  We just need to stay strong enough to keep this marriage together.  I've become extremely angry with God again - I prayed all the time for him to keep Tyler safe, and when push came to shove he did nothing. 

Just two more weeks of going through the motions and this holiday stuff will be over!!!  Stay strong.  Love to you always.

JoAnn

At 1:44pm on December 12, 2011, Paula G, Jimmy's Mother said…

Hi Janet, thanks for writing me.  I appreciate you and everyone I have come to know on here.  It has helped alot, but the pain never gets any easier.  I'm sure you know that.   Our boys were close in age.  My son was an animal lover too.  He had a dog named Sammie.  Sammie was his world.  His Dad now has Sammie.  I have a dog, so I couldn't handled two dogs.  I think about my son every day and all the things we did through the years.  This month has been a nightmare.  I wish I could just hold him.  I know you know what I mean.  Thank you again.  Hugs and love to you and your family.  Paula

At 9:57pm on November 24, 2011, Alicia Rodriguez said…
And who is that grace? I don't think it's a good person bcarful
At 9:55pm on November 24, 2011, Alicia Rodriguez said…
Hi janet how are you doing today.how have you been feeling from you're depperassion.i hope you're better i know it's hard missing our beloved son's I've been so sad and depressed myself my medicine don't really work for me lm just sad al the time. I guess that's just the way it's gonna by.i just wish my son was here. Well hope you're better.God Bless you.Alicia Jesse's Mom
At 10:35am on November 22, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi again Janet - do you ever find yourself looking at people whose families are intact and asking why they get to continue with their lives and we did not? I do it more and more.  I get very jealous of them and really even start to hate them.  It just doesn't seem fair.  And then I think of all the people on this site, or in the group I go to, and I realize I am not alone.  I think that is the only reason I don't become overcome with bitterness.  We are like ghosts that go about our business, seemingly like all is well.  But those other ghosts like us know we are out there.  Weird, but I am alone in the office today - too much time to think!  Thanks for listening - JoAnn

At 8:31am on November 22, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - great to hear from you as always.  Yes, this is such a hard time of the year.  I think the worst part is not Thanksgiving, but the constant barrage of xmas advertising with happy smiling families.  Every single one cuts like a knife.  It was always my favorite time of year, and I loved making it the best I could for my family. No point in that now.  I remember so clearly our last one together.  As a matter of fact, I always bought Tyler a box of his favorite candy - a locally made product.  The box from that last year is still in his room, next to his desk, and still has some candy left in it.  Tell me, Janet, how can this be??????  How can this be?  I feel exactly as you do - I'm just putting in my time here on earth.  One day at a time.  And not a single one of them has any meaning.  I could be a prisoner serving my sentence, but at least then I would know when it would end.  My sisters are still squabbling, so they decided that Thanksgiving at MY house would be a good idea because it's neutral turf.  THANKS A LOT.  But my niece and her boyfriend and my nephew will be there so I am going to try my hardest to enjoy their company - let's face it - they are all I have left.  We have to change our wills and they will be the primary beneficiaries.  I care a lot less about money now, although it never really meant that much to me, because all I need is enough to live on.  When we are gone, that's it.  My niece and nephew can split the house, whatever jewelry I have, whatever savings there might be.  I don't know if Dennis is aware, but I tend to give a lot of it away these past two years.  I sponsor two boys through Compassion International.  I selected the two oldest boys with Tyler's birthday - one is in Kenya & one in Haiti.  I also sponsor a Congolese woman in job training.  She was born in 1985 like Tyler.  And a mother and baby program in Africa as well.  I gave my sister and her husband about $2500 dollars.  They lost their car in the hurricane flooding, then their van broke, and on and on.  They've watched my dog every time we've gone away.  The kennel charges $36 a day, so I figure I owe them some of that money.  And I donated $100 for a girl from Tyler's church who is going on a mission trip to work in Thailand with exploited girls. I send $500 in Tyler's name to the youth missions program in his church every spring - he went on four or five of those trips and they meant so much to him. I give a monthly donation to the ASPCA and Habitat for Humanity.  I might as well do some good in my son's name.  That, or I spend it myself, and there is nothing on this earth that I want to buy.  Food, shelter, that's all I need these days.  There are times when out of the blue I feel, for a brief second, my son.  Holding my shoulders, giving me a quick caress, or just whispering a word or two to me.  It comes out of the blue, or when I really need it.  Have you ever experienced anything like that?  I've never tried to make it happen or force it.  I will, as always, keep you, Todd and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.  What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Love - JoAnn

At 7:53pm on November 12, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Hi Janet,

  I ordered the plaque from the Harriet Carter catalog.I don't know if they still carry it, but I'll do a search online to see if anyone else has it.

  I think a large part of what bothers me is, I tried so hard to be the mother I wished I had, and in the end, I failed. The principles and morality I tried so hard to instill in my sons was lost on Tim. I can't help but think I should've tried harder. 

  I went to a yard sale today near my house and found a brand new foot locker with the tags still on it for $7! I'm going to use it to store all of the Tim stuff I won't part with. I can keep it in the bottom of my closet that way when I want to remember, it's right there. 

  My mother is driving a new wedge between us since her surgery. She is taking advantage. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew she appreciated all I'm doing (including cleaning her house) I don't even need a thank you. But today when I was there cleaning, I needed a phillip's head screw driver to change the belt on her vaccum cleaner and she didn't have one. She called her friend a few floors up and asked if she had one, and the phone call went like this..."Yeah, Vickie is here cleaning," (unknown response), (my mother) "Yeah, will wonders never cease, you could have knocked me over with a feather." So, I kinda suspected she had been speaking badly of me in the past and this confirmed it. I have been there for her everyday since September 23rd. I am cleaning her apartment because her landlord has threatened her with eviction because it's so dirty and full of stuff. She has a path house, which doesn't work well with a wheelchair.

  I can feel myself crawling back into my hole that I found after losing Tim. It's a dark lonely place but it felt safe from more hurt. 

  I'm going to PM you my phone number, hopefully we can talk someday.  I'll be home until 5 all next week. I leave at 5 to pick hubby up from work and then it's chaos until 8 or so with dinner, clean up, feeding the pets, etc.

  Take care, write soon and *hugs* to you and Todd.

At 10:32am on October 29, 2011, valerie moore said…

dear janet,

i read your post, and regarding the depression hits home.  i too, have suffered depression most of my life. it started when i was 18-  i didnt go to a psychiatrist until i was 27, after i had dusty. i thought it was post partem depression, but it would not go away, plus i had been depressed way before that. i have been on every antidepressant there is.  right now, i am taking cymbalta and lamictal. its probably the best combination i have been on, however, the sadness of  losing dusty is so bad, that any antidepressant wouldnt have a chance.  its been 2 yrs and 2 months as of yesterday.  for me, the pain is the same,if not worse.  dusty was my world, (my only child) the light of my life! everyday i cry...

just thought i would stop by and let you know that you are not alone.  your son is so handsome...  i am so sorry for your loss.  hugs to you,  valerie

At 11:18am on October 27, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Janet,

  It seems the more time we spend communicating, the more I find how much alike we are. It's more comforting than you know to realize that my son is with Todd, and they have brought us together.

  I didn't mourn the loss of my siblings like I have Tim.  My brother had a hard life, mostly because of my mother and it was easy to accept that he was in a better place. He wouldn't be sick anymore, he no longer had to fight his demons. With my sister, I really didn't know her. My mother gave her to my great uncle right after she was born, I knew of her, but was always told she was my cousin. When she ran away from home, my great uncle called my mother and that's when it all came out. My mother and her sisters gave away a total of 15 children. I think that's why I held onto my kids so tightly, I didn't want to be that kind of mom. I used to say they gave their kids away like puppies.

  With that said, I've always had trouble trusting my mother. It opened my eyes to how many lies I was told and made me see the new lies. Here it is 38 years later and the lying continues. 

  I miss Tim so very much and I'm so tired of her telling me to "get over it" it makes me think she didn't actually love her kids the way we do. How do I get over it? He's still gone and it still hurts. 

  My job is done and over with, they lost all of their funding from the state and shut the doors.  So now it's unemployment. I'm not upset though, I know I'm better off out of there.

    I'm so sorry for your brothers.  I'm glad Tim has them with him also. 

  Thank you Tim and Todd for bringing us together.

[Todd, you're mom is a very special person, I wish we hadn't lost you for us to meet. But I don't really think you're lost, because as more time goes on, more people get to see a part of you. Take care of my Tim for me. Tell him I love him.]

At 2:14pm on October 20, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…
Hello Janet - so good to hear from you as always.  England was wonderful, it really was great.  But coming home is always so bittersweet.  Your stories about Todd really remind me about Tyler.  He had gotten two tickets to see Spamalot one summer about 5 years ago.  His girlfriend was away and he was going to contact his friend.  He called me in work and said he couldn't get in touch with Matt, would I mind being his date.  He picked me up and we drove to the train station.  He taught me how to get the parking ticket for the lot, and where to buy the tickets for the train.  We had a great trip to the city, and ended up with enough time to grab some dinner before.  We walked back from the theater to Grand Central and sat there waiting for our train home, getting back about 1:30.  Our times together (he and I) were so special.  When we went to Italy in 2009, Dennis was there but Tyler and I would walk arm and arm around the little towns, peering in shop windows and checking out the sights.  I used to be more up tight, but as Tyler got older he taught me to "chill" and I became more mellow, like him.  My husband could never get the knack, and always seemed to be the odd man out.  Tyler was a saver too.  Since he was 4 he would have me put all money gifts in his account.  He wanted to save up and go to Space Camp.  He ended up with about $3000!!!  But he never did go.  When in Middle and High school when most kids were buying name brand jeans and getting fancy hair cuts he had no use for that.  He would get some tee shirts at the salvation army and just wear them.  He was appalled by brand names and the prices they charged and never felt the need to "blend in" that way.  His favorite thing was a new package of white athlethic socks.  He would say that was the greatest feeling of all - six days in a row with soft, comfy new socks!!!  Every time I see a pack in the store I still cry.  He was such a kind, thoughtful person.  So many of his friends, even ones I didn't know, came up to me at his funeral to tell me how he was the one they would go to talk to, to listen to, to get advice.  I always thought he would have been a great counselor.  They even told stories about how he would see strangers who looked like they were having a bad time and go over to them to talk.  I wonder all the time what he thinks now when he sees me like this - I need so much for him to be here for me now and he's not.  Tyler had been to England and his facebook picture was taken in front of Stonehenge.  When we got to Stonehenge I just went off by myself and thought about him and cried.  He also had no qualms about doing crazy things to cheer people up - like trying to jump over a row of chairs or all kind of things.  Oh Janet, I just don't know how we can plod along like this, day after day, carrying this weight around with us.  I belong to The Prayer Registry.  She keeps a calendar of the dates we lost our children and sends reminders out daily so we can pray for those with an anniversary date.  She lost her son several years ago.  She goes to mediums a lot and just sent us an email that the last time she was there her son told her that all the kids whose moms were on the site knew each other and were there to help all of the moms.  I truly believe that is true.  Tyler's high school chaplain sends out postcards every year at this time. You fill out the names of deceased loved ones and they put all of the cards in a basket on the altar for the month of November.  It hurt so very very much to have to write down my son's name on that card - no one knows how much - but I want you to know that I put Todd's name down too, along with Tyler's two grandfathers.  I am so glad they both passed before Tyler did - this would have killed them both.  Love as always, JoAnn
At 9:55pm on October 14, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

I don't remember a lot about Tewksbury, we stayed at the Residence Inn in a suite until our house was ready. There was a Stop & Shop I went to a few times, the kitchen at the suite wasn't very big and could only accomodate cooking small means, so we ate out a lot.  I remember going to a 99 restaurant. I wish we had them here. 

 I know Tim and Todd would've hit off from the get go. Tim never met a person he didn't like. I swear, we could go anywhere here in NJ and we would run into someone that he knew. It blew my mind sometimes. I'm a homebody with a handful of people I call friends.

  Funny story.  Tim and Andy went to Pennichuck Jr High in Nashua.  I got a call one day from the principal, asking me to come to the school because Tim had gotten himself into some kind of trouble.  So I get there and the principal is reading me the riot act about profanity in the school and how it's not tolerated.  So I'm sitting there thinking to myself, Good Lord, what did this child do?.....So I ask, what did Tim say? He says he used the "F" word. I'm ready to crawl under my chair now, right? So he calls Tim to the office and I start scolding Tim for using such language, not just in school but in general.  He's looking at me like i have 3 heads, and grinning.  So I stop to ask him what is so funny, and he says, Mom, I didn't use the "F" word, i said..freaking"  I asked the prinicipal if this was right and he said yes, that's what Tim was in trouble for.  I laughed like an idiot. lol.  I had to explain to him, people in New England say, "Wicked" cool, people in NJ say "Freaking" cool.  He wasn't buying it. Tim was sent back to class and I got up to leave and told the prinicipal that he was a freaking idiot. lol! 

  That is probably one of the only good memories I have of New England.  

  Do you remember a store in Nashua called Paperama?  I worked there for quite a while. They sold party stuff and halloween costumes.  

  My mom is still in the rehab hospital but I had her transferred out of where she was to a much better facility. She is improving, mentally and physically.  I realized that she needed to heal mentally as much as she did physically and the first facility wasn't going to be conducive to her healing in either respect. They had stopped giving her her anti-depressants and tranquilizers, which is part of why she was acting to erratically. They gave her medications she was allergic to and she wound up with a staph infection in the knee replacement that she is still fighting. However, her new physical therapist is confident he'll have her walking with a cane in the next 10 days. I'll be happy to see that.

  Work laid us off last month, brought us back 2 weeks ago, failed to pay us for those 2 weeks and laid us off again.  At first I was stressed about it, but not so much now, I have business to take care of with Mom and now nothing will get in the way of that.

  Jesse gave me his old cell phone, it was only about 3 months old, and it's a smart phone that's doing it's best to prove I'm not smart enough to use it lol.  I couldn't even figure out how to add minutes to it! My old plan came right out of my checking account so I never had to think about it. It just does too many things, and simple functions on my old phone now take 3-4 extra steps. I don't like it, but it is what it is...I think I reached my geek limit with it lol.

  I'm glad we found each other, kindred spirits, just like our sons. Thank you for being here and thanks for being my friend.

*hugs*

At 9:51am on October 6, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…
Hi Janet - I love that Easter picture!  We have a similar one with my grandparents and their great grandchildren on Easter, probably 1987 or 1988.  My mom has it in a collage on her wall.  When I go into her house I can't even look there.  We went to the island of Nevis.  It was right in the middle of their off season, which was perfect for me.  there were almost no people at the inn we went to, which was small to begin with.  It was nicer because I didn't feel like I had to dress up at all, or even attempt to make conversation with anyone.  the morning before we left a group of 20 somethings were at breakfast laughing and talking about what they were looking to do with their lives, etc.  dennis got up and went back to the room.  I sat and finished my breakfast, but I was so angry I wanted to get up with a fork and stick it into one of them.  My back was to them, so I couldn't even see them, but I hated them anyway.  My therapist asked me what I was so angry about, and I really couldn't say, but she got me to realize that I was angry because Tyler would never be able to do that.  We took a few really great trips - between xmas and new years we went to New Orleans.  That was fantastic.  Loved the architecture, the food, the people.  It is so different it's like not being in the US.  In early April we went with another couple to San Francisco and Napa Valley.  Again, great food and sightseeing.  Both trips were only 4 or 5 nights long, but they both were great.  It seems we travel more now, just as a means of leaving reality for a while, but it really never goes away, even if we are away. And then I find that coming home is harder, because you have to face reality all over again.  My husband feels now that we have no one except my niece and nephew to even leave anything to when we die, so he wants to enjoy it while we can.  I would like to travel more within the states, those two trips were great and I would like to do more like them.  Tomorrow we leave for England.  Dennis is going on business.  We've never been there and I said - Hey, I'm coming too!!!  So we only have to pay for my airfare and meals. We will be in Southampton for his training until Wednesday.  Saturday and Sunday when we arrive we will do sightseeing - Stonehenge, Salisbury, Bath.  Then Thursday we will travel to London for sightseeing.  We will pay for the London hotel and meals ourselves and will come home Sunday.  He also has to travel to North Carolina in November and Germany in December.  But that's it for me.  I'm done for a while.  I would really like to see Taos New Mexico, Sedona Arizona, and we've never been to ANY national parks out west.  I went to my support group last night - haven't been for almost two months. It's sad, but somehow we end up not only crying together but laughing together as well.  My husband's dad passed about 6 years ago, and his mom is in a nursing home near us.  His brother and his family moved to Texas prior to that.  We were never really close anyway.  He has two children, 24 and 20, but again, we have never really seen much of them.  And his wife has always been a bit of a witch.  But after Tyler passed she spent many many months crocheting us a king size quilt.  she said it was a labor of love and I believe her.  So i guess that wipes out all previous misdeeds on her part!  Stay strong!  Love JoAnn
At 8:06pm on October 4, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Part 3,

It would be so nice to be able to have time to have complete thoughts and get them all out at the same time.  I'm sorry for doing this in so many parts.  

 My oldest son's crew is his room mates. While they were here for the memorial service, they used the time to visit people they knew on the internet, travel, eat my food and invite strangers into my home while I was mess. They sat in my livingroom until 3-4 in the morning, laughing and carrying on. They are never welcome here again. They left leaking bags of trash on my livingroom furniture,didn't lend a hand with the memorial preperations, I cooked all the food myself. Some people are just too ignorant to know how to act in situations like that I guess.

   I'm sorry for venting, and I appreciate you more than you know for always listening.

  I've had 4 phone calls, 3 cats on the desk, hubby trying to talk to me as I've written this, I can betcha I forgot a lot of what I wanted to say.

At 9:43am on October 4, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - so good to here from you as always.  We were away for Tyler's birthday, and when I came back, even thought it was a week later, there were messages on my email and things that brought me right back to reality.  The last two weeks have been very, very sad.  Then yesterday I became very angry with God - I prayed to him every night to keep my son happy, healthy and safe and He didn't.  Then I pray to Him to ease this pain any way He can, even if it means taking me, but He doesn't.  I just feel so abandoned.  And Tyler was such a strong believer.  It doesn't feel fair.  My dog is also quite old.  We will have had him 8 years this December and he was a rescue, so there is no telling his real age.  I tell him every day that Mommy needs him more than anything else and he must take care of himself because I couldn't stand to lose him.  They are just so full of love they can always make you feel better.  I think part of my depression might have to do with the colder weather coming on.  I hate the fall and winter, love the spring and summer.  My husband wants to retire to Florida, but I frankly don't care.  I get up, go to work, get home, eat and wait for it to be time to go to bed.  I really can't see the future that far ahead anymore.  I don't know about you, but I am so tired of being sad and in pain, but I don't know that I can ever be free of that.  What are you plans for the upcoming holidays?  Did they change after you lost Todd?  Do you have other family members that you celebrate with?  We always had such big family celebrations with aunts and uncles and cousins, grandparents and kids.  But the group has shrunk so much over the years.  Now it's both my mom and mother-in-law, two sisters and their husbands.  My niece and nephew (30 and 32) sometimes come - one is in Virginia and the other in NY, but not always, and now Tyler is missing.  It is so sad to sit around the table -  the life is gone from it.  No kids, grandkids, nothing that made it special.  To add to that, my two sisters began fighting about a month ago, and it just has been escalating.  So I suspect one sister and spouse will be missing as well. Holidays are all about family, and it just seems so pointless now.  Well, enough with the sad thoughts.  I wish you a great week or at least a good one! 

JoAnn

At 5:39pm on October 3, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Part 2.

  I was writing to you in the front seat of my car while I waited for my youngest son to get out of work, he finished before I did.

  It's good that your husband manages to stay so busy. Mine comes home from work, turns on the PS3 and that's all she wrote. 

  I did get to build a fire for Tim's birthday, but the neighbors dog carried on so badly, I had to extinguish it.  I just wanted a peaceful time to think, remember and talk to Tim a bit. The neighbor was outside with his dog and despite my telling the dog to shut up 3 times, the owner did nothing.  Rude....

  The weirdest thing happened on his birthday though, a couple of kids from a local church stopped by, (no idea who they were)and they were selling suncatchers as a fundraiser for a fellowship trip.  I found one with a blue butterfly inside a heart.  I bought it and hung it on Tim's tree. It's the first decoration I've gotten for it.

  Wishing you a happy day tomorrow and many more to come. *hugs* for you and Todd

At 4:54pm on October 3, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Hi Janet,

  It does feel good to see Tim's name, our little group here are the only people that can appreciate how good it feels. He's gone from the earth, but he's still alive in my heart and soul.

  I lived in Massachusettes for a bit, in Tewksbury, then we moved up to Nashua. I hated it there so much, I didn't know anyone, I felt so alone. Looking back, I wish I had given it more time, maybe Tim wouldn't have met the people that did this to him. We were only there for 2 years, I moved back to NJ with the kids, and my ex stayed there. He was working in Billerica at the time.

  I didn't bring my mother a piece of Tim's cake after all. She is on a restricted diet because they can't control her diabetes right now. The knee replacement is in jeoprady as well because the entre leg is infected. From the hip to the ankle. She has mellowed significantly but has still had a couple of melt downs. It's who she is, I'd expect no less from her.

  The more I learn about Todd, the more I wish we had known him. But I'm glad he's there with Tim, wherever that may be.  I know they're laughing together.

 

At 11:17am on September 27, 2011, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Janet - thanks so much for remembering me and Tyler.  We went away last week, it's the second year we went away for Tyler's birthday.  When I woke up I silently wished him a happy birthday and told him I would love him forever.  The week was pretty uneventful until the day we were leaving.  My husband snapped at me for something.  But at the same time I heard a small child with her mother crying for her father.  I had traveled with Tyler when he was 3 to visit his grandparents and Tyler did the same thing.  I just sat in the airport and sobbed and sobbed.  Dennis said 'did I say something to upset you'?  I told him no.  I am back at work today and am catching up with work and home emails.  A lot of the home emails are for me regarding Tyler's birthday, including one from his girlfriend.  She simply said she was thinking of me and she wished Tyler was here to celebrate the day.  Just sat at my desk and started to sob and sob again.  This will never change.  I know it now.  But yesterday I drove to my sister's house and picked up my dog - she was doggy sitting.  He is always so sluggish when he comes home from there.  She has two cats that he loves, and my brother in law is home all day.  I swear he loves it there more than at home.  How did your dog do???  I sometimes put Gordon in a wonderful kennel near here.  It really is the best, but I still feel guilty!  I don't know what I will do when we lose him, I really don't.  Just one more thing I love torn from my life.  I wish I didn't feel like I am just here, going through the motions and waiting for my time to die.  I wish I felt I had something more to live for, but I don't.  I know what you mean about 'when you were happy'.  I firmly believe that I will never ever experience true joy again.  I will enjoy things, but that is just not the same.  I guess that is our lot in life, the cross we must bear.  To never be really happy or joyful again.  At least I know I am not in this alone!  When I think it is getting to be too much, I think of you and the others I have found who share this cross.  It helps, it really does.

Thinking of you! JoAnn

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