Hi Janet,

  Thanks for writing. My oldest son lives on the other side of the country in SanDiego.  He came home for Tim's memorial and brought his whole crew with him which was not welcome. Seems he can't spit without them knowing about it or approving of it and that's what the fight was about. He forgot where he came from and needs to step back and remember. 

  I have cats, one is elderly, 14 years old and has become very clingy. I know I should be giving him my undivided, but for the past few weeks, I just don't have the patience. As I write this, his neice is sitting on the desk. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and it never seems to happen.  Hubby has dumped so much on me, bills, making sure this gets mailed, that gets mailed, groceries, housework  and he only works part time! He won't go visit my mother, my youngest won't even go.  So it's all on me.  She has no one else to visit her, she's alienated everyone that ever did care about her.  Prior to the onset of dementia, she's always been a nasty, confrontational person. NOw it's just worse, using racial slurs against her nurses, saying God awful things to me, it's too much for this simple mind to deal with. Yet out of obligation, I keep going back.

  Had I known the doctor didn't take her mental health into consideration, I would've done more to avoid all of this.  She doesn't let me talk to her doctors, never has.  She's afraid I'll tell them about her addiction to pain pills. 

  I have to find time today to bake Tim's blue birthday cake. I will bring my mother a piece tomorrow, on his birthday and maybe it will make her treat me a little more gently. I can only hope.

  It's just too much and I'm sorry for venting to this extreme.  I'm gone from home 12 hours a day for work, now my nights are spent driving and visiting and I'm falling apart. I work 43 miles from home, the hospital she's in is another 40 miles from work and from the hospital to home is 81 miles. An added bonus, I don't see well at night so driving is hard.  I'd give anything to have my brother and sister here, but they're both with Tim now.

  Hope your day is better than mine.  lol, it can't be anything but better. I tossed a hug up to Todd and I'm sending one your way too.

Vickie

Hi Janet - I am glad you will be getting away.  I keep on going, day to day, but wondering why I don't die of a broken heart.  I got into Tyler's car this morning, which I haven't done in a long time.  It was the only one with some gas in it.  I pushed the on button for the radio (which I've done before) but instead of just turning on, a CD he had ejected from the CD player.  It was a copy, so he had written the name of the CD on it.  I just started at it.  Then, when I got to work, I pushed it in and listened, with tears coming down my face.  Now I am very emotional again.  I miss my baby, I miss him so very very much.  If you are considering going to the retreat let me know.  I still have the flyer and was considering going alone.  My heart goes out to your friend.  I will be thinking of her, of you, and of all of our precious boys.  Tyler would have been 26.  I wonder where he would have been in life.

Love JoAnn

Hi Janet, I didn't do anything for Labor Day either.  Was invited to the park but decided not to go.  Wouldn't be the same without Briaunte.  I'm sorry you are feeling down.  I am as well.  These past two days especially.  I actually wish I weren't in my right mind then I wouldn't realize the agony I'm in.  My grandmother has dementia maybe it will come upon me soon and then I won't realize what's goin on.  I just hate the hurt and pain and the unknowns from day to day.  I pray for the Lords return soon so I can be with my son again.  I pray for you and everyone on here as well.  I just hate my life right now.  It sucks.  Pray your week get better.

Shannon (Briaunte's mom)

Hi Janet,

  Thank you for your message.  I'll be thinking of Todd and Tim this birthday, knowing the 2 of them will be the life of the party with their sense of humor and laughter. 

  I know how you are feeling, and I don't know if it will ever get better, I stopped trying to convince myself it had to, if it does, it does, if it doesn't, I know I have to feel like this the rest of my life.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry, even if it's brief.  I can live with that, I call them my Timmy moments and as long as I have them, I know he's still alive in my heart. 

  There is only one of Tim's friends that stay in touch with me, he calls me his other mom.  I'm okay with that because the other people that claimed to be his friends were all the ones that hurt him, and this kid never did.  His name is AJ, and ironically, they met when they were in 3rd grade at a school in the town we lived in briefly, Bricktown. They met up again in high school and just started where they left off as friends. (in an entirely different county than where they first met)  Kindred spirits.

  Take care of you, you'll be in my thoughts.

*hugs* 

Hi again Janet!  I finally uncovered the pictures of Tyler I had in work on my desk.  I can take brief glimpses of them, but only brief glimpses.  Sometimes I can see and hear him so clearly in my head - in a way I am glad I can do so, but it still upsets me.  I saw a post-it note in work yesterday he had written while he was here.  That just threw me over the edge, though.  I realized yesterday that I feel like a prisoner or captive that has been held for the last 19 months.  I have fought and rebelled against my captor all of that time.  But now I feel differently.  Now I feel as if my captor has finally broken my spirit.  I realize my circumstance (even if I don't accept it) and have resigned myself to live according to the rules of my captor.  Sounds weird, I know, but that's the best way to describe it.  I got a pamphlet at my therapist's office about a retreat in Boston for parents who have lost children.  It was being held by the Franciscan Friars - their Pieta Ministry - at their shrine.  I brought it home and asked Dennis if he would be interested, but of course he said no.  I've kept the flyer and keep tossing around the idea of going myself.  It is the weekend of November 5/6.  Keeping you and Todd in my thoughts.

Love

JoAnn

Hi Janet - I always feel a little bit better when I hear from you.  Yes, my therapist warned me that as I appeared (notice the word appeared) to heal that Dennis would appear to grieve more.  The other night there was a mention on the news about remembering 09/11.  I looked at Dennis and he had tears in his eyes.  I asked him what was wrong and the tears just started pouring out.  I held his hand and told him it was okay to cry.  The saddest part was that the face he was making while crying looked just like Tyler's face when he would cry.  September 19 will be Tyler's 26th birthday.  We are going away on the 18th like we did last year. That helped a bit.  But last year we were with my sisters and this year it will just be the two of us.  My sisters have just had a gigantic, horrible arguement.  I tried to tell both of them that Dennis and I have learned that nothing in this world matters except family and that no matter what they thier issue was it DIDN'T MATTER.  Anything - money, possessions, work - can be fixed or replaced, but a loved one can never be brought back.  I find I have less patience now for people who complain or argue about anything, because nothing can compare to this.  Everything else is trivial.  I'm going to start and send you another post - these darn 2000 letter limits are cramping my style!!

JoAnn

I was just reading your post.  Thank you for those words.  This week has been rough as well. I just miss everything about Briaunte.  When you mentioned how you beamed when Todd spoke those words to you it reminded me of Briaunte's compliments.  This Labor Day weekend is going to be difficult.  Briaunte just liked being around family.  I hope you are able to have a peaceful and safe weekend.

God bless you and your family

-Shannon (Briaunte's mom)

Hi Janet - always so glad to hear from you.  One of the things my therapist keeps telling me is that as I show signs of healing, Dennis will show more signs of grieving.  I guess that's exactly what is happening with you and your husband.  I also have thoughts of Tyler that I hadn't recalled before and find it hard to get through those times.  I was sitting in the bathroom waiting for the tub to fill up so that we could have water saved during the storm.  It reminded me of all the times I sat there and filled the tub for Tyler to take a bath, then sat there and talked to him while he bathed, and then the feeling of wrapping his little wet body in a big towel and hugging him tightly to dry him.  It was too much for me.

I can see and hear him so clearly in my mind that sometimes it is inconceivable to me that he is gone.  But then I think about how much time has elapsed and I am surprised all over again. 

I do, however, truly believe that our children are aware of our suffering and have found each other and I know they work together to try to help us through.  But I would just rather be gone from this earth and back with my precious son.

We had a roof leak in our family room during the storm  - my husband was up all night holding towels and stuff up so that it would not be too bad.  Aside from lost sleep and a sore arm we has a little water damage to the floor, but nothing serious at all.  Limbs and things down.  But my brother in law (middletown ny) was caught in the car in  flash flood and had to be rescued. We really couldn't believe he was that stupid until we saw pictures - this was truly a flash flood that covered the valley floor in a very short time.  So now my poor (and I mean poor in the literal sense) sister is short one car. 

It means a lot to me to hear from you and share our stories.  You and Todd are always on my mind.

Love, JoAnn

Thank you Janet for those kind words.  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss as well.  I'm supposed to go to a group meeting this evening.  I just wish I could get some understanding in this, why any parent has to lose a child.  I just always assumed my children would bury me.  In a million years I would have never though I would be without my son.  It's very hard making it through the day.  I'm trying to be halfway okay for my daughter but even that is difficult as I am having a hard time getting myself together.  I used to have more pride in my appearance, Briaunte would always compliment me and then asked how he looked.  Since he's passed, I could care less how I look.  Not a whole lot is important except seeing him again.

Hi Again,

  You know, I was just thinking about Todd and him playing RPG's. Tim, Andy, Jesse and I all played World of Warcraft. Tim had a paladin named Tankian, I took it over and leveled it, along with his rogue. I remember helping Tim level his rogue, it was a different faction than my characters, and how much grief we got because a good guy was leveling a bad guy, lol.  They were good times.  

*hugs*

Hiya Janet,

  I can certainly understand  how Todd felt.  My oldest son is the anime geek, and I'm the computer geek.  None of my friends do much with computers other than turn it on and look at facebook or shop.  I've been a serious gamer for more than 5 years now.  I am proud to be a geek.

  I have one message for Todd, please teach Tim that gaming takes patience and no matter how much he yells at the game, it won't change a thing. lol

  I wish you and I had met under different circumstances, I think we're connected in more ways than is possible with just being a coincidence.

I'm glad I made you laugh.

*hugs*

Hi Janet,

  I was thinking about you recently, I'm so glad you wrote to me.   It really seems like Tim & Todd will be 2 peas in a pod (hey, that rhymes lol)  I'm glad that Todd had so many people that thought well of him, it means he was truly a good person, and you're a great mom for raising him to become who he was. Tim just never seemed to find the right crowd, he always gravitated towards the people that no one else wanted to be friends with.  I guess it's because they were so bad off that they'd accept anyone.  I know if Tim has met Todd, then his new life is already rich.

Hi Janet - so good to hear from you.  I was having a few 'good' days, and I tried to figure out why I felt so funny about it.  I don't think it's because I feel guilty, but I do think that it's because for the first year or so it was SO bad that I believed I would never ever recover.  Now that I can look back and see where I was a year ago I realize that I have made progress.  I don't feel guilty so much as I feel surprised.  That's not to say I don't cry - I do several times a day, usually.  But I just have the belief that I will make it, and not just die.  My husband still finds it very difficult to talk.  I yelled about it the other day and he said he talks about Tyler all the time in work.  I started yelling - but that's not with me.  He started to cry and said he is trying as best he knows how to get through this and I guess I see his point.  That's how he does it.  It would be better for me to be able to share with him, but probably not for him.  I went away for a short weekend with one sister and her husband (we had gone last year) and I used that to measure how I felt then and now.  Of course, at the gas station on the way home some little stupid thing I can't even remember got me started and I began to cry.  I guess it will always be like that.  There has been a rash of deaths of young people here (car accident, illness, etc) and my heart breaks for each and every parent. 

I NEED EXERCISE - will you do some walking for me???????   :)

Love - JoAnn

Hi Janet,

  I was just re-reading all my messages and wondered how you were doing. I so like seeing the pics you have of Todd, it really reminds me so much of Tim, a big guy with a bigger heart. Tim too was misunderstood by a lot of people, and I think most of the time I was mad at him was because people took advantage of him so badly and he couldn't ever see it. Or maybe didn't want to see it.  It seemed like he was accepted if his friends could use him, but when his first car broke down, his friends were nowhere around. 

  Hoping you have a nice weekend.

*hugs*

Dear Janet - my support group (my husband won't go) is through hospice for parents who have lost adult children.  When I joined there were four persons there, including that couple. Since I joined, more & more have followed.  We have all gotten very close.  I can only go to the night meetings twice a month.  Just before I answered this I was sending a note to one of tylers friends via facebook and there was a pix of him I could see. The tears came right at my desk. A high school friend of mine lost a daughter at age 21,10 or 11 years ago.  She just passed away last Tuesday. When I read the email, the first thing I thought of was how lucky she was.  Imagine closing my eyes then opening them & not feeling pain, just the happiness I once felt every morning - I am actually jealous of her. You could understand.  Every minute of the rest of my life will be spent in pain, & without the joy I once felt all the time. And I did feel that way when I had tyler.  Just joyful & thankful that I had this amazing blessing I could share my life with.  My husband does not see any counselor.  He has chosen to deal w/ this by himself.  But that has always been his way.  For the first time since we lost tyler, my husband was doing a chore & was talking about the last time he did something like this & screwed up.  Tyler was there.  He just said - at least I didn't cut the wrong end like the last time.  I had to swear Tyler to secrecy about that.  My husband was laughing & it dawned on me it was the first time he mentioned tylers name in conversation to in a happy way.  THE FIRST TIME.  It was so unexpected from him it actually startled me.  Thinking of you - JoAnn

Hi Janet,

  It's always nice to hear from you. I have to agree that our sons are both well met, and with Tim's sense of humor, I hope he's keeping Todd laughing.  He would come out with the most outrageous one line comments for a situation that would literally have us rolling with laughter. I miss that laughter so much and sometimes, I don't think I'll ever be able to do that again or find that kind of happiness again.  It's not that I never laugh, it's just that it's never that deep feeling of hilarity, happiness, I think you know what I mean.

  Every ounce of my being believes that I have not been given all the facts about why Tim died.  Hopefully, this congressman will come through for us and get those answers we so need.  

  Thanks for being here.