Geri hen's Comments

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At 7:52pm on May 14, 2014, Sharon Dotson said…

I'm also sorry for your loss.  The comments I've received via email have made me realize I'm not alone.  I'm so sorry to find that so many have lost they life partners.  I must remember I had something special with Helen and a lot of people will never know that, gay or straight.  It's just so hard to think of life without her.  We had so any plans as I know you did.  I just want to get to a better place but I know it's a process.  One that will be long as I've been told.  Thanks for sharing with me.  Take care of yourself and I'll do the same.

At 11:34am on October 25, 2013, Deb Wells said…

Crying reading your blog, Geri.  Thank you for sharing.  Sharon was a brave lady, having to endure so much pain. 

Geri, my only advice to you, is when you are hurting deeply, your pain of loss penetrates your soul, write your feelings out, write here and share them, if you wish. 

Next week will mark 15 months since I lost my husband.  So many phrases, so many peaks and valleys.  I still feel confused, depressed, but the deep seated pain in my heart has uplifted.  I was left with no family and nearby friends so deep seated isolation due to loneliness and I am a introvert, my husband was the extrovert. 

I take one day at a time, some days are good, some not.  It is a process. 

I remember your first post.  I was so worried for you.  I wanted to just hold you in my arms.  I felt your pain, you loss, your sorrow.. 

Grief is a process.  No time limits, no right way, or wrong way.  

My very best to you always,

 

 

 

 

  

At 9:18pm on October 7, 2013, Susan said…

I hear you with people 'checking up on you'. And yes, sometimes I don't feel like doing anything either. It seems to get harder as time goes by because everyone moves on with their lives and we are expected to do the same. Not an easy thing to do. P town is Provincetown, Mass. Kathy and I used to go there alot, a place where we can be ourselves. And a beautiful place also. Take care. Susan

At 5:52pm on October 6, 2013, Susan said…

Thanks again Geri. And I do have some very good friends who have been there for me throughout this whole ordeal. I am very lucky in that area but, don't feel so lucky with my life as I'm sure you feel the same. You guys were together a very long time, us not so much but it still hurts. I do have a social worker in CT and Kathy had one too and we used to go to each others at times. I've been going to her since she knew Kathy but eventually I'm going to have to find one in NJ which is where I live. Kathy and I didn't live together yet but almost did. We were getting married next year and I was in the process of moving in with her. Just was looking for work before I made the move. I guess it's a blessing I didnt find anything right away and sell my home here or I would have been screwed big time by her family. Anyway, I'm just chugging along trying to take one day at a time as I'm sure you are as well. Wishing you well and to know you are not alone. Hey, did you ever go to PTown? That was our favorite place. 

At 8:28pm on October 2, 2013, Susan said…

Hi Geri - I have good days and bad days. Today was not so good. I just don't understand it. And when I hear everything happens for a reason it makes no sense to me. Why did this happen. An accident at work? She was only 53 and so full of life. She made me so happy. I hope it makes sense some day but I find that hard to believe right now. Please keep in touch.  Susan

At 7:02pm on October 1, 2013, Susan said…

Hi Geri. Thank you for your words. We both lost our partners around the same time. I still feel in a fog at times and lost as well. I found that keeping busy helps a bit but the nights are the hardest for me. I finally found the love of my life and she was taken away from me so quickly. I am sad. Take care of yourself.  Susan

At 10:23am on September 25, 2013, Care Johnson said…

Aw, Geri, I hate to admit it, but it took me over 3 years to finally feel like a whole human being again because my "better half" was gone. That feeling of extreme loss and loss in what to live for is so real and so painful. I guess there were a few things I did that helped me along...For one, I have a wonderful friend who experienced the loss of her husband when she was in her early 30's, so she knew what it was like to lose a spouse. For the first 5 months, she called me (from 180 miles away!) each and every day just to make sure I was okay. She allowed me to vent, cry, scream, laugh, and everything else that I needed at those moments. She was and is my "angel" through that grief. I also wrote in my computer diary daily, writing everything that came to my mind--no barring or blanking out anything that came to my mind. I've gone back through some of these entries and still cannot believe I'm still alive now. But for what ever reason, I was not to go yet just as you are meant to still be here though the reason is unclear at this time. To this day, I still have those moments when something my BJ did or said or enjoyed comes to my face and the tears begin flowing. All we can do is remind ourselves that our beloveds would not want us to hurt this way, nor would they want us to retreat from life. They would want us to go on and keep their memories alive by talking about them and sharing them with others around us. Even though we were together for 35 years, there is so much my own family never knew about my BJ. It is joyful for me to be able to share her with them now. Nothing will ever be the same but there is one thing that I remind myself daily: In truth, all we have is the present--the past is over and the future is ahead and unknown--and that is why I try to live each and every moment like it is my last one. I'm wanting to leave this world with a huge smile on my face because I know I was loved beyond all imaginable ways and no one can ever take this away from me! If you ever want to chat, pls write to my address of carebear1954@comcast.net...

Gentle {{{{{{{{{{{{{{H U G S}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} are surrounding you now!

At 12:01am on September 16, 2013, Deb Wells said…

Geri, I just checked my email and received your message.  First of all, I want to hug you and just hold you.

It has been almost 15 months since I lost my husband of 38 years.  I attended a grief support group at Hospice and it was explained all the feelings and emotions I was experiencing.  I dropped 20 pounds over the first six months, food no longer tasted good. 

And I was  hurting so much, I felt like a wounded animal.  I felt no one understood my loss and I did not receive the acknowledgement or sympathy I felt I needed to over-come my pain, my loss.  .    

You are not rambling, you are feeling pain and it is real, your wife was all things to you and by writing out your feelings, your thoughts, will help process your grief.  It feels like someone tore your heart out right now. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  ((((Geri Hen)))).Right now, try to take as good care of yourself as possible, be kind to yourself, okay?  Try to eat a little bit of healthy foods every few hours to keep up your energy, blood sugar.  I feel your pain.   

All my best to you,

Deb

 

 

At 4:26pm on September 15, 2013, Ellen Brant said…

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

geri hen ...  I can't find your post and hope you get this.

My deepest condolences to you regarding the loss of your life's partner. 

This forum is NOT judgmental in any way no matter what your sexual choice is.  We understand that a partner or spouse who has passed away is the worst grieving anyone can endure so we are here for you with open arms and feel free to express yourself.  These are angels on this forum and have gotten myself and many others through some rough times. We do understand what you are going through!

There is much more freedom with the gay communities now and many people can empathize with you.  Don't second-guess what others think of your loss because if you have been around coworkers, family and friends they already probably know you and Sharon were gay.  You have every right to express your grief!

It would be wise of you to seek one-on-one counseling if you can, or, go to a Hospice Grief Group as they will accept you for who you are.  It's important to talk about your loss and how you feel.  You also have this forum (Legacy) to talk to us. 

Please recognize in yourself (not all society is against gays) that you have the right to openly grief and discuss the loss of Sharon like anyone else.  What you are going through right now with family, coworkers and friends is the norm whether you are gay or not   I was shocked after my husband passed away in 2011 of pancreatic cancer at the age of 65 that 3/4 of our friends that we'd known for over 20 - 40 years slowly receded out of my life as if I didn't count at all.  Some people just don't know what to say when you lose a spouse and others are in a 'me generation.'  Remember again, these actions by people around you are the same reactions the rest of us have been going through (some worse than others.)

You and Sharon were in love so stand tall, talk about her so others don't forget what a wonderful person she was and get that counseling and keep coming onto this forum as we're here for you.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

At 10:21am on September 15, 2013, Sandy Smith said…
Hi Geri,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner, of 30 years, 4 years ago. Like you, I never have felt that kind of pain. With the help of friends (both Gay and Straight) and a very good counselor specializing in grief, I survived when I thought I wouldn't (nor did I want to). If you ever need to just vent you can reach me at smitty77@sbcglobal.net. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers!
Sandy
At 7:29am on September 14, 2013, Jane P. said…

Geri, I am so sorry for your loss and you now having to join us on this rollercoaster ride called grief.  I am 27 months into this and I hate every minute of it.  Regardless straight or not grief is grief and your loss is no different than any other.  When I lost my husband my friends dwindled until I realized I have only one GOOD friend.  My neighbors ignored the fact my husband passed and some not even extended their condolences to me.  And as time passes people think I am ready for anything and should be over my loss.  Hello, I lost my other half of being whole and I should be over this?   

Geri, Grieving such as ours is truly a baby step process and just when you think you are doing good and moving along something will trigger an emotion and the tears flow freely.  The first year is referred to as the year of the fog, where you struggle to find a new normal, a place to just fit into life.  Friends, family, co-workers move on with their lives and unless you have a loss such as ours no one understands the magnitude this loss has caused in our lives.  

You have come to a good site where we pass no judgements and we try to support each other the best we know how.  So come here often even to read posts soon you will see your feelings are normal and you are not going crazy.

I have also noticed you are not alone in wanting a gay grief group and on Legacy if you click on community arrow down to groups there is a site for gay and lesbian members who have lost partners, perhaps you would feel more comfortable expressing your feelings there.  But you are always welcome on this site for bereaved spouses. Sending BIG HUGS, Jane P.

At 2:57am on September 14, 2013, BARBARA K. FELLER said…
Geri I don't know if a blog will help u or not. I am straight. I lost my wonderful best friend, soul mate honey/bearman husband of 20 yrs of wedded bliss. He committed suicide by hanging himself on the back of his bathroom door. I am glad U joined this group. Love is love & often many times people can be cruel, uncaring & ignorant. U HAVE to do what's right for you. Even if people disagree regarding their religious beliefs,etc., there should still be compassion, love & empathy. I have a extremely dysfunctional family. I was only girl. I have/had 3 brothers no sisters. My oldest brother, Dan besides myself were the only 2 functional/normal 1's in my so-called family. Dan is only 1 who called me. duh. Stuie (Stuart) killed himself (11/29/2007). Dan dropped dead-ht attack in his sleep on 07/16/2008. Then 07/23/2008 my father died. Then I had creditors hounding me, homicide investigators accusing me of murder. I had to beg my husbands uber rich uncle to pay for my airline ticket AND pay for funeral. He had to be flown up to New York to be buried out on Long Island where his son/my stepson died/buried there. He was like my son, brilliant-disabled w/Chrones disease then mental problems on top of that. He died in 1999-27 yrs old. No one in my family notified me of either my father nor my brothers deaths. My crazy mother didn't even post any obituary! Dan's obituary didn't even mention he had a sister but did mention he had 2 surviving brothers. I had to fly up to NYC by myself & stay w/my crazy mother in law who screamed & slammed kitchen drawers for almost 3 hrs straight. My husband's uncle after funeral we went to lunch at some restaurant on Long Island. He asked me how my hubby left me financially. I said he left me deep in debt/no money noteven ins.,money. he said i'll talk to u about that situation later. Uh it's been coming up on 6 yrs & still nothing.,, I've had so many things to deal with. Lost my condo to foreclosure. More another time. Please know this U have people here that care. As long as someone is functional not crazy, I will be your friend. I've always been a night owl/insomniac since forever. I don't know how old U r but I KNOW this. I found if u join a grief support group be it online or in your area do it. Talking about what happened, your loss of this soulmate, what u miss is important. The suicide deal has been gut wrenchingly horrible to deal with. I joined a suicide survivors support group when I lived in s fl., I also went to a psychologist for 1 on 1 therapy. I had to leave almost everything behind. I've lived independently on my own since age 19 until I married 1st/only time at 34 1/2 yrs old. There r some grief books u can read also that will help. I spent many evenings at Barnes & Noble looking for books on grieving/loss. I thought I'd never get better from the pain. I do understand. U miss your loved one-holding each other, kissing, sleeping together, making love. But also every day things talking watching tv, cooking for 2, etc. Also I wrote on my laptop my own personal journal. When I had an extremely horrible night I usually walked 2.6 miles in my gated complex but that nite walked almost 13 miles, ranting/raving, cursing at God, fate, Stuie, heaven, etc. I wanted to,die from everything that's happened. I still occasionally have bad moments where I hear a love song that I'd sing to him. I found for me my 2 best friends--a guy, who's gay & my bff -female/straight who've been here for me to hear me talk, etc. Don't ever give up. Never! I will look up & try tohelp u find some local support groups in your area. Good luck & God bless U & give U peace love & comfort. Barbara

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