Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker's Comments

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At 12:31pm on July 5, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: About cleaning out things at your parent's house. I can 100% relate. That's what we've been doing the last couple of weekends and the thoughts that go through my head, "I'll never have another chance to see my Dad's things." Even throwing away a scrap of paper - will I see his handwriting again? His answering machine - will I hear his voice again? Adding to the stress, I have nowhere to store all of it, I'm still in an apartment. So I'm trying to draw a line where I'm saving enough, but not too much. I find it really difficult. My brother had a nice solution. He wants to find a place that could really use his clothes - particularly the winter coats like a homeless shelter. I think my Dad would be happy that his donation was able to keep someone less fortunate warm. Still visiting churches looking for a home church. Visited one last weekend where they were really friendly. Met the pastors, and a number of the members. the next day, a congregation member dropped off brownies - to welcome us - and the pastors sent a letter also welcoming us. Still have a few more to visit but this one could be a strong possibility. Take care, Jennifer

At 12:25pm on July 5, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: Hi Linda, Hoping you had a fantastic holiday weekend. Sorry I have been offline for so long. I was in Milwaukee working at my Dad's since Friday - and a bit burried at work prior to that. We did get quite a lot accomplished this weekend. It always seems like there's so much to do. It became more apparent than ever this weekend the smoke damage to everything based on his pipe smoking. There is a rather significant color difference on the walls where the pictures had been vs. the rest of the wall. It makes me ill to think of everything that was going into his lungs. The big thing I was thinking about the last week or so is how I am having issues relating to most people. Where it's most notable is when people casually say, "So what do you have planned this summer." I just stand there blank faced, (deer in headlights) like I have no response! Like I don't even have a connection to life as it was. And "dealing with my dead Dad's estate" is not the popular answer. So I make up some stupid comment, like, "Oh, we're planning to get out of town" or "That's a good question, I need to plan some more!" It just makes me feel like noone understands. I always feel like I'm trying to cover up my feelings to people I don't know well, and most people at work. For instance some guy asked me "So what did you do for Father's Day?" Since I don't have a husband who's a dad to at least form another point of reference, I just feel loss, and I change the subject. Can you relate to all these feelings? It makes me happy to hear about your cats and that they have someone there to take care of them. I feel the same - I always want to adopt one of the animals that might be more difficult to place. I used to volunteer at the shelter when I was in Madison and I always tried to spend extra time with those guys. They're all so sweet.

At 3:54pm on June 29, 2011, Deborah Grate Bennett said…: Thank you so much, Linda. Yes, today was a good day. I actually got to talk about my mom to some kids today and they were very compassionate. They actually made me feel good about how we all handled the last moments we had with Mom. God is good! Each day is a new challenge, but we're ready to face them. God's speed be with you and many blessings.

Deborah

At 12:43pm on June 24, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: I'm glad to hear you are getting work done on the rental. It's draining to be doing all the physical work, but not as draining as the emotional, I think. We spent hours last week washing my Dad's walls. They were very dirty - not sure they were ever washed while he lived there (15 years) - and the grit from smoking his pipe did not make things better. The whole place smells like Pine Sol now. We had to change the water every couple of minutes. We only got a couple of rooms done, but a good start. I'm staying home this weekend and planning to spend the long weekend next week there scrubbing, painting, etc. I decided to put myself first this weekend - maybe the first time since my dad passed - and study up for a job interview I have coming up in a couple of weeks. Still at my same company but a different function. I'll be married in my later 30's myself - that is if I finally get somthing planning in the next year or so! I'll be 39 in August. I think it's nice that you're getting cards from the church. I got a second card from someone a couple of weeks after the funeral saying - saying she was still thinking about you and hoping I was doing well. That was so nice! It was gutsy for someone at church to assume you were mad at God. I did hear from a lady at church that people are affected in different ways by death - some feel closer to the church, some feel angry at the church regarding their loss ... I work in marketing for a large corporation - my fiance (Bob) moved to Neenah with me and started at the same company in January, when I had been here already for about a year. I had the strangest dream last night. In the dream, my dad was alive yet - a doctor told me he was going to die - I went into a room where he was sitting in a chair, grabbed onto his arm and cried and cried. He just sat there unaffected, staring straight forward. It was very odd b/c his actual death was unexpected - nothing like the dream happened, or could have for that matter.

At 12:43pm on June 24, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: I'm glad to hear you are getting work done on the rental. It's draining to be doing all the physical work, but not as draining as the emotional, I think. We spent hours last week washing my Dad's walls. They were very dirty - not sure they were ever washed while he lived there (15 years) - and the grit from smoking his pipe did not make things better. The whole place smells like Pine Sol now. We had to change the water every couple of minutes. We only got a couple of rooms done, but a good start. I'm staying home this weekend and planning to spend the long weekend next week there scrubbing, painting, etc. I decided to put myself first this weekend - maybe the first time since my dad passed - and study up for a job interview I have coming up in a couple of weeks. Still at my same company but a different function. I'll be married in my later 30's myself - that is if I finally get somthing planning in the next year or so! I'll be 39 in August. I think it's nice that you're getting cards from the church. I got a second card from someone a couple of weeks after the funeral saying - saying she was still thinking about you and hoping I was doing well. That was so nice! It was gutsy for someone at church to assume you were mad at God. I did hear from a lady at church that people are affected in different ways by death - some feel closer to the church, some feel angry at the church regarding their loss ... I work in marketing for a large corporation - my fiance (Bob) moved to Neenah with me and started at the same company in January, when I had been here already for about a year. I had the strangest dream last night. In the dream, my dad was alive yet - a doctor told me he was going to die - I went into a room where he was sitting in a chair, grabbed onto his arm and cried and cried. He just sat there unaffected, staring straight forward. It was very odd b/c his actual death was unexpected - nothing like the dream happened, or could have for that matter.

At 5:51pm on June 16, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: Hi Linda, It is funny you are talking about all the 'stuff' - I have been dealing with that too the last couple of weekends as we begin to sort through it all. We have done most of the clothing and food so far, which I think is actually the easiest to do. Not too many pieces of clothing have emotional connection so we were able to box most of it up. And we just eat the food while we're working! Although my brother and I had a good laugh over some of the t-shirts I think my dad still had from the '80's ... I am dreading dealing with all the rest of the stuff. Not only going through it all but also finding a 'home' for everything. I still feel at times that I am going through someone's stuff and invading their privacy. Ughhh. But the fun part is that every now and again you find something that is just so totally 'him' and brings a smile to your face. I'm in the same boat as you with church. I was going relatively regularly - we were looking for a new congregation here in Neenah as I haven't picked one yet. Now it seems like we can never go - I'm at my dad's or exhausted after leaving my dad's. Fortunately, I still feel close to God and that brings me comfort during these times. Nothing on the wedding yet - it's unfortunate, but between work and Dad the last couple of months, I don't have a lot more energy. We did (finally) find a place to get our engagement photos taken so at least that's a small step in the right direction. Can you tell me more about your family? Husband and children? What does your husband do? Has he been good through this all? You know at some point that car title is going to show up in the strangest place!!!!

At 12:52pm on June 15, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: Hi Linda! I was just thinking about you the other day - I'm happy to hear from you. It's weird with Father's Day. Every time I hear about it I think of my Dad, or that it must be nice for other people who still have their dad's - but it was never a huge holiday for us. So luckily it hasn't been as hard as I expected. Yes, I've been back to work now - and have been very happy to be here. It's very healthy to get my mind off things. I was really concerned people would keep bringing up my dad and take me to a bad place, but the conversation has been appropriate. Most people show their concern by just asking me how I am doing and seem to have a good sense of when I want to talk - or don't. It's weird in that I'll still go through a couple of days of feeling nothing - then a week of feeling very sad and depressed over the loss. Yesterday I got back the photos from the funeral home and put them up on the wall at work. That was a mistake. It just brought the difficult thoughts back to mind too often. So it's sad, but I needed to put the photos away. I look forward to putting them back up as I'm further along in my grief. There are still friends of my dad that have just found out - for instance one guy was trying to call my dad - the phone was disconnected - did an internet search and found the obit. So he calls me and I go right back to that first week after I found out. I know I have alluded to the fact that my dad's estate is a mess. It's still overwhelming at times. Without disclosing too much in this venue: tax issues, his home is a mess (it was flooded and not kept up), his car has damage that was never fixed, he never settled the estate of his aunt for whom he was an executor. And believe it or not his aunt is getting sued with a jury trial this fall!!! Almost comical. One step at a time. I am wondering how things are going for you?

At 11:02pm on May 27, 2011, Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker said…: well my dear sweet Moo Moo...on the 26th was your Birthday ...you would have been 72 years old...woke up and sang to you in Heaven, put a candle in my toast and made the scambled eggs with potatoes, onions, cheese and ham mix that you like, a frostly with french fries for a lunch treat and a shrimp dressed poboy for dinner - all with candles to blow out and make a wish like we do every year...bought something at the SAINTS store - as you would have picked for a gift, planted a rose bush (called Stairway To Heaven ) and rescued a blind kitten - who we shall adopt...I miss you so much...love you forever...

At 12:36am on May 25, 2011, Peggy Hill said…: Still not entirely sure. Did more test and waiting for those. Thanks for asking.

At 12:05pm on May 24, 2011, heidi said…: Not so good I will inbox you

At 4:47pm on May 23, 2011, Jennifer C. said…:      A few more things - I was at my 2000 word limit on my last message. I have never been brief!

     My work is in marketing - I have been working for consumer packaged goods companies, so I focus on how to promote products to be purchased at retail. More specifically I work on advertising, promotion, commercialization strategy. Tomorrow will be three weeks since my Dad's passing, and I was back to work only one day - which didn't work well. My boss and I closed her office door, she asked me what are you doing here!, hugged me, and we decided I needed some more time off - the shock, grief, and 'mess' in his estate. Between vacation and leave, I'm going to be out of the office until next Tuesday (the day after Memorial Day - 4 weeks off) and will be working from home this Friday to try and get up to speed. I'm really lucky my boss has been so understanding and my coworkers have really stepped up to cover for me. This time has been really important in being able to move forward.

     A little more about where I live - I am in Neenah, WI, about an hour north of Milwaukee, and about a half hour south of Green Bay. It's a relatively small community but safe, low crime rate - and reasonable for housing prices.

     Hope you are doing well this week - you may not see your message posted right away to my wall since I have my settings set that I need to 'approve' messages. I've caught a couple of wacky ones. Hugs, Jennifer

At 4:38pm on May 23, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: Hi Linda,

Sorry for my late response. I was in Milwaukee most of last week tending to my Dad's affairs and it ended up being really stressful. Fighting with my brother, etc. So I spent this weekend trying to get my mind on other things.

I took a look at your mother's memorial page. It is really nice!! I do have something similar through my funeral home - I plan on making some changes to it - more pictures, more text on my Dad, etc. If you're interested, it's at www.dignitymemorial.com, then search the obits under "Thomas Clark" in Wisconsin - birthdate is 10-21-41.

For my Dad, we did do donations in leiu of flowers - it was tough to decide on a charity, though. He donated to literally 20 different charities: Disabled veterans, wildlife, community stuff, etc. plus he had suffered from prostate cancer a couple of years ago so I had considered the American Cancer Society. We ended up going with "World Wildlife Fund" which my dad has been contributing to for as long as I can remember. The kind of funny thing is that in the confusion and frenzy of the first couple of days after his death, we published that donations should be made to the World Wildlife 'Federation' rather than 'Fund'. I found out later they are two completely different organizations and some of the money was mistakenly donated to the 'Federation'. Some day I'm going to make sure they're legit!

I saw your mom was involved in the Lutheran Church. I found that interesting since I was raised very strict Lutheran (Wisc. synod), went to Lutheran school, and am still Lutheran to this day. I don't know if you have experienced the same thing, but I have found that when something happens that doesn't seem to have an answer (an unexpected death) I turn to the church for answers and support. We don't have a congregation in Neenah yet, but have been 'touring' churches in the area looking for a new church home.

At 11:19am on May 17, 2011, Jennifer C. said…: Hi Linda,

I don't have any kids (yet) although I am engaged and need to get started on the wedding plans! My finace just moved a couple of hours so we could be together. We turned in his keys to his old apartment a couple of days before my dad passed unexpectedly. We had planned to start thinking about the wedding next - although my attention now has been on Dad stuff rather than wedding. I do have two kitties, one is Lily (an orange tabby who is 11) and PipSqueek (a grey cat who is 6). In fact, Lily just jumped up on my lap and is purring (loudly!) - pretty common when I am working on the computer. I usually work full time at an office, however I have not been working since I lost my dad on May 3. Luckily my boss has been supportive and agrees I need some time off to deal with the logistical/legal aspects of this all, as well as to simply regain my footing and grieve. I have also found this board to be helpful. It's easy to think you are all alone and noone else understands so it's healing to hear from others in a similar situation, give them some support, and get some advice.

At 8:41pm on May 14, 2011, heidi said…: Thank you for your comments linda:)...I miss my mother so much and at this point of my life everything is going wrong and I have one and sometime I just wish I can talk to her and hear her answering.

At 12:54am on May 12, 2011, Peggy Hill said…: I think of things everyday that I want to tell my mom or ask her a question. When something good happens in my life she is the first one I want to call. I always called my mom around 5PM everyday to make sure she was in the house for the night. She was always out picking up sticks in the yard or going for walks and we just liked knowing she was in and safe for the night. Every day about that time I feel so sad that I can't call her at least one more time. I did dream one night that I called and she answered the phone and I told her that I loved her. She said I love you too in this special way that she always said it before. It was so nice just getting to hear that one time. I also have lot's of family events on video with both my mom and my dad. I use to watch my dad a lot but I haven't been able to watch them since Mom passed. Maybe someday. I would never have made it through if it hadn't been for my son Craig. He's so strong for me when I need it but he shares our grief too. I was divorced when he was small and his dad was never in his life so my Mom and Dad were a very important part of my raising him and his growing up. I went to the doctor Monday and then today, I got a call that the doctor wanted me to come in Friday because of some bad blood work. Now I keep thinking about leaving my son alone. I'm trying not to go crazy before I hear but I do worry so about leaving him.
Contact me anytime you need to talk and I will help you in any way that I can. Us Mom's have to stick together. LOL.

At 10:42pm on April 23, 2011, Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker said…: Missing my Mom so much- she was my best friend...the one who always knew what I was thinking and could finish my sentences...always there with a hug and hope...I still just can't believe she isn't right next door, or a phone call or text message away...she taught me so much- her and my Dad were just wonderful parents and I am really lucky to have been close to both...love you Mom, love you Dad...