Marcy Tilmann's Comments

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At 3:56am on November 16, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy......I didnh't know that there was a limit to the number of characters I could type.that's why there's a dumb ending here. Or on my first message, I suppose. If you'd like to email me, and we can keep in touch, it would be so much easier. My email is susancaroltodd@hotmail.com. Please write me there! Pleeeeeeeeeease!!!! LOL................Will look forward to hearing from you.
Susan
At 3:49am on November 16, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy!!

Sorry it's been a whil;e since I wrote you. Between working graveyard 6 nights a week and sleeping, I don't seem to get much done. I'm too old for this graveyard nonsense (56), but my boss seems to think otherwise.

I got thru' October fairly well, especially the 29th. No tears, but the void was something I felt I could almost fall into, it was so huge. I know that I'll always miss Roman, and not one day goes by that I wish I could hear his voice just once more. It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years. Then I think of my Mom..............one of my older brothers died in June of '98.....a drug overdose and alcohol poisoning. He died on Roman's birthday. Then Roman died on my younger brothers birthday. Nothing like keeping it in the family, huh? I'm not aas bitterkansas is close to much of anything!r and torn apart as I was 4 years ago, but it still hurts, and there are times when I still cry. The first Christmas he was gone, in 2006, I drove around for hours, going nowhere. I finally parked in a hospital parking lot, and put a Christmas CD on, then sat and listened to it over and over, and cried the whole time,
I know the pain you feel, and the void. If I could take your pain, even if only for a while, and carry it on my shoulders for you, I would. Just to help you get some peace for a while. Unfortunately, that isn't possible, so instead I'm hear with as many hugs as you need. I know that words don't really help, and 'I'm sorry' really gets old after a while. Ian was lucky to have you for his Mom, and you were very lucky to have him for a son. .
I think what helps me isn't in what I lost when Roman died, but rather, how lucky I was to have him for 30 years. My sister-in-law told me that she really believes that God takes the best ones first for whatever p[urpose He has in mind.That means, to me, that Roman and Ian were important to God, and we should be very proud of them.

Now, if you lived closer, we could go out and have a
At 3:48am on November 16, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy!!

Sorry it's been a whil;e since I wrote you. Between working graveyard 6 nights a week and sleeping, I don't seem to get much done. I'm too old for this graveyard nonsense (56), but my boss seems to think otherwise.

I got thru' October fairly well, especially the 29th. No tears, but the void was something I felt I could almost fall into, it was so huge. I know that I'll always miss Roman, and not one day goes by that I wish I could hear his voice just once more. It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years. Then I think of my Mom..............one of my older brothers died in June of '98.....a drug overdose and alcohol poisoning. He died on Roman's birthday. Then Roman died on my younger brothers birthday. Nothing like keeping it in the family, huh? I'm not aas bitterkansas is close to much of anything!r and torn apart as I was 4 years ago, but it still hurts, and there are times when I still cry. The first Christmas he was gone, in 2006, I drove around for hours, going nowhere. I finally parked in a hospital parking lot, and put a Christmas CD on, then sat and listened to it over and over, and cried the whole time,
I know the pain you feel, and the void. If I could take your pain, even if only for a while, and carry it on my shoulders for you, I would. Just to help you get some peace for a while. Unfortunately, that isn't possible, so instead I'm hear with as many hugs as you need. I know that words don't really help, and 'I'm sorry' really gets old after a while. Ian was lucky to have you for his Mom, and you were very lucky to have him for a son. .
I think what helps me isn't in what I lost when Roman died, but rather, how lucky I was to have him for 30 years. My sister-in-law told me that she really believes that God takes the best ones first for whatever p[urpose He has in mind.That means, to me, that Roman and Ian were important to God, and we should be very proud of them.

Now, if you lived closer, we could go out and have a
At 3:47am on November 16, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy!!

Sorry it's been a whil;e since I wrote you. Between working graveyard 6 nights a week and sleeping, I don't seem to get much done. I'm too old for this graveyard nonsense (56), but my boss seems to think otherwise.

I got thru' October fairly well, especially the 29th. No tears, but the void was something I felt I could almost fall into, it was so huge. I know that I'll always miss Roman, and not one day goes by that I wish I could hear his voice just once more. It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years. Then I think of my Mom..............one of my older brothers died in June of '98.....a drug overdose and alcohol poisoning. He died on Roman's birthday. Then Roman died on my younger brothers birthday. Nothing like keeping it in the family, huh? I'm not aas bitterkansas is close to much of anything!r and torn apart as I was 4 years ago, but it still hurts, and there are times when I still cry. The first Christmas he was gone, in 2006, I drove around for hours, going nowhere. I finally parked in a hospital parking lot, and put a Christmas CD on, then sat and listened to it over and over, and cried the whole time,
I know the pain you feel, and the void. If I could take your pain, even if only for a while, and carry it on my shoulders for you, I would. Just to help you get some peace for a while. Unfortunately, that isn't possible, so instead I'm hear with as many hugs as you need. I know that words don't really help, and 'I'm sorry' really gets old after a while. Ian was lucky to have you for his Mom, and you were very lucky to have him for a son. .
I think what helps me isn't in what I lost when Roman died, but rather, how lucky I was to have him for 30 years. My sister-in-law told me that she really believes that God takes the best ones first for whatever p[urpose He has in mind.That means, to me, that Roman and Ian were important to God, and we should be very proud of them.

Now, if you lived closer, we could go out and have a
At 3:47am on November 16, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy!!

Sorry it's been a whil;e since I wrote you. Between working graveyard 6 nights a week and sleeping, I don't seem to get much done. I'm too old for this graveyard nonsense (56), but my boss seems to think otherwise.

I got thru' October fairly well, especially the 29th. No tears, but the void was something I felt I could almost fall into, it was so huge. I know that I'll always miss Roman, and not one day goes by that I wish I could hear his voice just once more. It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years. Then I think of my Mom..............one of my older brothers died in June of '98.....a drug overdose and alcohol poisoning. He died on Roman's birthday. Then Roman died on my younger brothers birthday. Nothing like keeping it in the family, huh? I'm not aas bitterkansas is close to much of anything!r and torn apart as I was 4 years ago, but it still hurts, and there are times when I still cry. The first Christmas he was gone, in 2006, I drove around for hours, going nowhere. I finally parked in a hospital parking lot, and put a Christmas CD on, then sat and listened to it over and over, and cried the whole time,
I know the pain you feel, and the void. If I could take your pain, even if only for a while, and carry it on my shoulders for you, I would. Just to help you get some peace for a while. Unfortunately, that isn't possible, so instead I'm hear with as many hugs as you need. I know that words don't really help, and 'I'm sorry' really gets old after a while. Ian was lucky to have you for his Mom, and you were very lucky to have him for a son. .
I think what helps me isn't in what I lost when Roman died, but rather, how lucky I was to have him for 30 years. My sister-in-law told me that she really believes that God takes the best ones first for whatever p[urpose He has in mind.That means, to me, that Roman and Ian were important to God, and we should be very proud of them.

Now, if you lived closer, we could go out and have a
At 9:41am on November 7, 2010, Susan said…
hI mARCY............

LOL..........silly caps key. Sorr4y it's been a while since you heard from me. Between working graveyard AND working 6 nights a week, my life has most consisted of working and sleeping. Well, Oct. 29 went by fairly smooth. I didn't cry at all, but sure did feel the void big time. I can't believe that it's been 4 years. When I think about it now, sometimes I feel like it just happened yesterday, and other times, it seems like it was a lifetime ago. One thing that does help me is knowing that my Dad and grandpa and an older brother of mine were there to meet him.
So was his dad.
Sure doesn't stop my missing him, though. I just keep thinking if I could only hear his voice, just one more time.
All in all, I guess things are ok. Winter is coming here to Arkansas. It sure is getting cold! I miss Roman teerribly during the holidays, but am still looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas with my other 2 kids and all the grandkids. I have a 37 year old son and a 31 year old daughter. Then there's my son in law, my husband, and the 3 grandkids that live here. A granddaughter who is 15, and a grandson who is 12, and a granddaughter who is 6 years old.
I am being called for breakfast duty, so I'll sign off for now. You all take care, and many hugs and kisses are headed your way.

God bless all of you.

Susan
At 5:15am on October 14, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy.................sorry it's been so long since I've been in contact. Too many things happening all at the same time..............sometimes I just want to dig a hole and crawl into it. It will be 4 years on the 29th of this month that I lost Roman. I know I can't stop it from coming, but I almost feel like some really icky, creepy thing is sneaking up on me and I want to hide where it can't find me. The pain has dulled considerably, but the void he left will never be filled. The only way I can handle this is to know that someday I will see him again. Maybe not as soon as I'd like, but someday...............
How are you and your family doing? I hope it helps to know that others beside yourself are remembering your son, and praying for the healing of your pain. You are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Hang onto your strength and your faith in God. Don't ever fret over what people tell you you "should" be feeling. You know your heart and mind better than anyhone else. I hope that the many hugs I am sending you will help, at least for a small while. You take care, and keep in touch. Much love to you and yours.
Susan
At 11:24pm on June 8, 2010, Susan said…
Hi Marcy...............I was so happy to hear from you.
Losing a child is not something we "get over", but rather, just something that we learn to live with and go on as best as we can. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers always. Feel free to message me amytime. It was hard for me last week as the 1st would have been Roman's 34th birthday.
Much love to all..................
At 11:53am on June 1, 2010, Susan said…
Before I forget, feel free to visit the website I set up for Roman. the address is http://rncordova.bravehost.com..that is r n, not m.......
Susan
At 11:49am on June 1, 2010, Susan said…
Your comment about not ever being able to accept your son's death, just learning to live with it, hit a chord in me. My son, Roman, was 30 when he died in a motorcycle accident on 10-29-06. Like you, I don't ever think I can accept it, but just try to find a way to live with it. Today is especially hard, as it would have been his 34th birthday. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, now and always.
At 12:41am on May 26, 2010, Marcy Tilmann said…
May 26th 5 years ago you left this world my wonderful son. "I dropped a tear in the ocean...the day you find it is the day I will quit missing you." Forever in our hearts...never ever forgotten. Love & miss you so much...Mom
At 11:55am on March 2, 2010, jeremys mom said…
Marcy, I hope this finds you doing well. Our boys sound a lot alike, maybe they are skating together in heaven. God bless you, Debbie
At 1:26pm on February 11, 2010, jeremys mom said…
Marcy, I just read your story about your son Ian. I am so sorry for your loss. My son Jeremy LOVED skateboarding from the time he was about 10 years old. I can't tell you the money I spent on boards and accessories..lol. In his teen years he won several awards in skating competitions. And like your son Ian as an avid skateboarder he refused to wear a helmet. I worried about him so much over the years, he continued to skate often clear up to his passing. Jeremy was killed on June 7, 2008 from a motorcycle accident, another one of his passions, at the age of 30, leaving behind 3 beautiful daughters. He was killed by a careless big rig truck driver who turned right in front of him and there was no time for him to stop. The driver then proceeded to drag my baby for 200 yards under his wheels before coming to a stop. This happened on my son's oldest daughters birthday. We are all on this long road together. Take care
At 7:40pm on January 31, 2010, Diane said…


Right back at ya and good to hear from you. I'm recovering from a bad day yesterday. I decided to do some house cleaning and decided to tackle cleaning the bookshelves that run along one entire wall in our home. It's filled with pictures of the family and it's a lot of work to wipe down all those photos. All was well until I decided to replace a few old pics of the family with more recent ones. And then I came across all of Ryan's pictures. And I lost it. No new photos, life cut so short. I know everyone here has had those moments. It's so heart breaking and I gave in to the meltdown. Seems it's been so long since I really, really cried this hard. So my weekend went south really quick. Hope yours was better.
At 8:13pm on January 27, 2010, Diane said…
Don't ever apologize for ramblin on. Listening to others and knowing others will listen back is an important part of this group. It is too bad you have lost friends over Ian's death. I have been fortunate that my friends and family stuck by me although I do not know why because I was a real witch at times.

The devastation to our family dynamics is something I don't think anyone really gets. Every one is hurting. And the other kids really suffer. They lost their brother and they also were losing mom and dad because of how we changed. A friend of mine who had a sister commit suicide said she often felt like waving a white flag in front of her mother and screaming, "Hellooo, I'm still alive!" How everything changed. My zest for having the rest of the family gather was gone. I went through this stage where I refused to have family holiday dinners. I just couldn't bear to see the empty chair. What was wrong with me? Why wouldn't I cherish holding the rest of the kids with me? All it felt like was work.

I must explain that the "other children" are two from my husbands previous marriage who live out of state. They didn't really spend that much time with Ryan as there was 14 and 16 years between them. My other child was my daughter, 8 years older than Ryan and she was crushed losing her baby brother. Anyway, except for my daughter, it seemed that the other two kids expected me to go back to who I was when it came to the holidays. I always did the work, cooked up a storm, etc. But I lost that energy when Ryan died and I didn't care what everyone else wanted. I wanted my Ryan back and nothing else seemed to matter. In this the 5th year I suppose I have resigned myself that Ryan is not coming back. I have done better in the last two months and everyone is telling me so and it scares me. They do not understand that I can fall apart so easily. I don't want anyone to think I am "back". I don't want the pressure.

As you can see, I can ramble on as well. Keep in touch.
At 1:38pm on January 27, 2010, Diane said…
Marcy - I am so sorry for Ian's loss. What a handsome young man. Your story touched me because my son Ryan died in a similar way and the date was October 2005. Skateboarding without a helmet, he died instantly of massive head injuries. He was just 18.

You and me are in a similar time situation where people do think "enough" time has passed that surely we must be used to it and that we should "move on". I want to rip their heart out and ask them how long they think it will take to "get over it". As for moving on, I tell them I will NEVER move on from his death...I will CARRY ON. There's a huge difference between move on and carry on in my opinion. Move on is like telling me it doesn't matter and it's something to just tuck away. Carry on is simply existence which is what we are doing. We do what we must and the rest of the time we are consumed by our loss. I wish you peace though I know it is hard to come by.

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