Ronda Johnston's Comments

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At 5:52pm on September 13, 2010, valerie moore said…
ronda, also, you have your husband that is in this with you. you both may grieve differently, but you do have each other. you will be in shock for a long time, i still think i am. i was thinking of dusty today at work and just in tears..... i wonder where all my tears have come from..... hugs ...val
At 5:50pm on September 13, 2010, valerie moore said…
ronda, at 3 months, i really could not function. at 1 year (now) i still dont want to go anywhere, do anything , nothing means anything, i really feel as if i have nothing.. to go on for. if my marriage does fail, i have no place to go, no money ( i only work part time) i found a grief support group through our methodist hospital system here. it was a small group. basically you learn the steps of grief. i am now counceling with a pastor. i have heard, that only GOD can get us throughthis. nobody else... i am having a hard time connecting with God... this pastor is trying to help. huhuggs, lov, val
At 4:57pm on September 10, 2010, valerie moore said…
ronda, your loss is so very fresh. at 2 months, i cant remember a thing. i have been in shock and disbelief for over a year, 1 yr anniv was aug 28- i think the shock is beginning to wear off, i dont really know, all i know, is i have lost my will to live, i just go to work (part time) come home, wait to go to bed, take pills to sleep , the highlight of my day is going to bed. i miss my dusty so very much. i just want him to come back. my marriage is suffering and i want to go and be with dusty. he was my only child. sorry for being so down, thinking of you, in my prayers, val
At 11:15pm on September 9, 2010, cynthia Thurman said…
Hello Ronda,
I know, some days are just to messed up , we need to stay BUSY, just to keep our mine sane!!!
I fell life I'am going to just really lose it!
So I will just grab my Journal and start writing about the kids, and my family and just putting it on paper is releasing it from the mine!1
No-body will never understand until they have stood in these shoes of ours that have lived in this life, there nothing , I mean nothing to no worse!!
Everybody will tell you this is the worse that it gets!!
It's been 8 years now for my family, I have become another person, I'am not the same person I was!
I 'm still in shock,You can't explain how you really feel, there will alway be this hole in our hearts that will never heal!
and it is mess-up!!!
I hope you can survive this with your family and you-all stay strong together!!
This is when every-one starts to blame one another, If I had only see the signs , we all do that!
I followed my daughter that lives in the nursing home for over a year, trying to stop her, before something happen to her, and it didn't work!
I couldn't stop her!
What is the answer!
My poor daughter is really messed up!
You know after the fire we had nothing, but that didn't matter, my thoughts were why do we need a house now, the kids I had raised was never coming back, so I know I didn' t need a house anymore!
tALK TO YA SOOM
At 9:53pm on September 9, 2010, cynthia Thurman said…
I HAVE A QUOTE FOR YOU RONDA AND EVERY-ONE

LIVE TODAY TO THE FULLEST, TOMORRORW IS NOT PROMISE TO NO-ONE
EVERYBODY, IF YOU NEED TO TELL SOME-ONE SOMETHING DON'T PUT IT OFF, TELL THEM NOW, DON'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE
HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERYBODY
CYNTHIA
At 9:49pm on September 9, 2010, cynthia Thurman said…
hI RONDA,
It's, me Cynthia,
Today I took my one daughter Tina to see her therapist, Tina was my daughter I had adopted when she was 2 months old, from a sister-in-law in 1976!
Going to therapy, to me is a JOKE, It's rush you in and rush you out!!
The whole time you are in this doctor's office she is looking at her watch to make sure you don't go over your time!!
But I never SHUT UP so I really don't go, I think what's the sence in starting to talk when your session is over in 30 minutes!!
No I'am not pass the shock of losing my family, Lanette since Sept 2002, is living in a nursing home, from the overdose, not even in the State where I live, so that means I don't get to see her offen, and she don't have a clue if I was there or not!!!
Only a feeding tube is keeping her alive, Lanette was 35 years old with 3 sons she let me raise for her!! Lanette is now 8 years later is still living in this nursing home now at 43 years old since Sept 1st 2002, is when she was found!!!
Then the grandsons dies in

Nov 4 2002, Then the husband dies in Aug 2003,
I'am thinking now what's next!!!!
we were homeless for 4 month , then it was time to go back to the same YARD where my GRANDSON"S were raised, and I knew it was never going to work!!!
My husband GRIEVED his-self to death for his daughter and his grandsons!
Really, He really died of a BROKEN HEART!!!!!!! It really can happen!
I never shut up , he never would talk,
Today I have moved off the property that was Home for 35 years, raising 2 daughters, 6 grandsons ! To now I try to stay as busy as I can, I have to keep my mine off of what has happen
Too stay sane for me is to write about their live, how special they were!
It's hard sometime to even hear these kids names being said, I get a chill of the life of now and what it use to be!!!
YOU -ALL TAKE CARE AND WE WILL TALK SOON
KEEP WRITING ABOUT YOUR CHILD, NO-MATTER HOW IT HURTS THAT'S HOW I COPE!
TALKING ABOUT THEIR WHOLE LIFE

wE WILL TALK AGAIN
cYNTHIA
At 10:37pm on September 5, 2010, Lauree Lage said…
Hi Ronda, I'm glad that you and your husband got to get away. It's always so hard to come back home after being away, with all of the memories. Whenever we travel I can get my mind off of my grief but coming home is the most hard thing of all. My older son (33) and my daughter (25) both left their relationships and moved back home this weekend. I had to clean the drawers in Cameron's bathroom out and clean his room out. It was extremely hard and depressing. It seems like our family is falling apart because of the stress of losing their brother. Touching Cameron's tooth brush and his hair gel and all of his stuff just killed me. I miss him so much. Ronda, I know how you feel and what your going thru. It's 3 moths for me too. OOXX Lauree
At 9:17am on September 3, 2010, valerie moore said…
ronda, a friend i met on this site, made the video of dusty, a most beautiful gift...i too, cry whenever i look at it...i just want my baby back. i just wonder, is this what life is? the rest of my life as i see it, will just be a drag. one day at a time to dredge through. nothing to look forward to. sometimes it hurts to breathe. sad day for me. hugs, val
At 1:56pm on September 2, 2010, Lauree Lage said…
Hi Rhonda, Oh Boy can I relate to everything you just said. I need to take sleeping pills just to be able to sleep. My husband feels the same way yours does. I'll go maybe 3 or 4 nights without taking them and then I just have to, to get some sleep because I'm mentally exhausted!

Cameron came back up to Santa Clarita where we live after rehab but I thought it might be better for him to stay at his older brothers house instead of ours, because I didn't want him to fall back into old habits. He was with my oldest son Josh for 5 weeks and then he moved in with my oldest daughter Kristi for 2 weeks before he passed away. I feel guilt because he wasn't here but I was spending everyday with him, taking him job hunting and just driving around. He would come here during the daytime and hang out with me.

Thank you for posting Sean's picture, he's very handsome and looks like a great kid.

It's interesting reading your posts because they mirror so much of my own feelings. Keep writing.
At 8:21am on September 1, 2010, cynthia Thurman said…
Hello Ronda,
I thank you for adding me as your friend, but I'am a little confussed on how to connct on your friend page!
I will just leave you this little message for now, as I'am going to the doctor today, Yes he is one of my therapist, sometimes I think, I'am the Doctor and the doctor becomes the patient!!! REALLY, He or She has ever buried their childred!
How can they know what is in my heart today!
ai ended up with one doctor that don't have any childred! Now that is a little mess-up, on how does she know how to help me!

Well have to make this short, I need to get ready, I still go anyway to see her!
Catch up with us soon
Cynthia
At 6:12am on September 1, 2010, valerie moore said…
dear ronda. its been 1 year since i lost my precious dusty at age 25 of a drug overdose. he battled drug addiction for years and my fears of losing him came true. i dont feel better at all, i think of him constantly, like you, all day, all night, all... the time. your son, is very handsome as is mine. i defintately know that my life is forever trashed in alot of ways. dusty was my only child and we were very close. i wake up and just try getting through the day. much love and hugs, you are welcome to write to me at any time. val
At 11:14pm on August 31, 2010, cynthia Thurman said…
thanks Ronda for your thoughts,'This is about the worst it gets for anyone is to bury THEIR CHILD! Nothing can take the place of the worst that could ever happen!
I have ended up a total different person since all of this has happen in 2003!
I will never be the person ZI use to be!
All of that is now over, all the protecting I did to keep these kids safe and it didn't work!

I don't quite understand life anymore!
I was the one that was the adult , to now I feel like the child, so many questions needs to be answered!!!!
Lord I have turned into another woman and I can't help what I have become!
But it sure isn't the wonderful wife, mother I was for all those years, then the best Grandmother!!Adward!!
Will talk again
cynthia
At 11:52pm on August 29, 2010, Lauree Lage said…
Hi Ronda, I was watching the emmy awards tonight and Jewel sang a song in memorandum of the stars who have passed away this year. The words in her song were that there was a hole in her heart and it was in the shape of the one she had lost. That pretty much describes it. I have a couple of good days and then a really bad day, like a roller coaster.
The last time I saw him was May 27th when I said goodbye to him and the next time was a week later in his coffin. I can't get the image out of my mind. It's still horrifying. It was unbelievable for me.
Cameron was almost 22, he would have had his birthday on July 17th. He died of an overdose. He was a happy guy, very popular. There were 400 people at his funeral. Drugs in no way defined his life. It was a new thing that he got hooked on just a few months before. He came to me and asked me for help and we sent him to a Christian rehab were he came to know the Lord and was baptized. After rehab he came back home and slowly drifted back into doing drugs on a recreational basis. It was only 2 months after rehab that the unbelievable happened and he overdosed.
He was an avid snowboarder and lived in Colorado at the ski resorts during snow season and then he would come back home after the season. He was full of life and extremely loving. He was my youngest and the most lovable. There was no stranger to Cameron and he had a knack for making people laugh.
For me, his absence is unbearable but he loved me so much that I know he would feel bad if he knew how I was suffering so I try to stay happy and upbeat as much as I can.
My husband and I joined "Real Life" Church and it has really helped to keep busy and involved.
Please write me back and tell me more about your son and how you are doing.

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