Charlene, don't worry about spelling I just appreciate your comments. When you said it felt disloyal to get rid of your husband's things that hit the nail on the head with me. Waymon was a hoarder and loved all of his stuff. I just feel so bad for selling any of it especially his truck. I have cried about it a lot but I hope I will start feeling less guilty in the days to come. Thanks for listening.
Hello Charlene, I just wanted to say that I feel very similar to you and your journey. After being married to my Jack for 38 years (39 on Dec. 31st/10) and knowing him over 40 years, I feel like I have lost half of my essence, my true self. Where do we go, what do we do? I had an invite I also turned down. It was a retirement party for a close friend. It involved travelling but more than that I didn't feel like I could be "happy", and I really didn't want to experience that happiness..not ready. 5 months only for me. I do though feel very close to my husband, because I know he is here with me. I believe that our loved ones are much closer than we think, and are loving and protecting us, and most definitely we will be together again. In fact I count on it! I have done a tremendous amount of reading and I gain tremendous comfort from other people's experiences. We are all on this road and grieve and suffering, and yet, your husband, my husband, everyone's loved ones, are helping us to get through this because they love us so dearly and don't want to watch us in pain, for it saddens them.
If you at some point feel like doing some research/reading look up Michael Newton for a beginning and move ahead from there.
Take care. Oh and I wanted to say my husband immigrated from California to marry me all those years ago, (we live in Vancouver) and he was from Monterey and Seaside Cal. and went frequently to SanFranc. In fact also my sister-in-law lives in Santa Cruz and we are planning a trip to meet in S.F. this year sometime.
Hi Charlene. Thank you for responding to my posting.I will continue to read the grief site and hope that I can add some advice,ect.. I wish you well and all of the best. I was sooo sad and lonely and useless. Now I have someone to be around that truely understands. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
Hi Charlene, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do come and read the postings almost everyday but for some reason just didn't and don't comment. There are so many new members and it is so sad to know what everyone is going through and the pain and depressoin that is all so consumming. I guess I find it hard to tell people that it does get easier as time goes on but the pain and lonelyness will always be there. I truelly believe when the surving spuose is ready to except that you must go on with living as I finally did then they will.I needed to move forward I didn't want to and finally said I don't want to sit here and wait to die,because that is what I was doing as I'm disabled and home 24/7. I wasn't looking for another relationship, I just need to start being me again. When I did that it was great, then when Randy and I began talking neither one of us was looking for someone else but it just happened so if it's ment to be who are we to fight it.Neither one of us truely understood how or why we clicked as we say, but it is working and I know our spouse are ok with it sometimes we joke their must be a higher power at work lol. so let nature take contro,if it's ment to be it will be. God Bless and hugs to you.
I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced. It is so hard for what you had to endure. You have brought me to a better place at this very moment because I have been so disheartened that even though I felt I had messages and signs I felt very much disconnected from my husband or anyone in the afterlife. You are very blessed to have such strength and to share your heartbreaking yet heartwarming story of how we can be sad for our loss, but know we will all be together and I am so thankful you felt the need to lelt us in your very personal and touching awareness. I believe you and I hope to arise to your model of courage. Thank you so much.
Hi Charlene - Yes, my Christmas was okay. I had a few friends in Christmas Eve, then headed to the airport to fly to DC to see my younger stepson, daughter-in-law, and 2-year old granddaughter. A photo or two are posted on Facebook. Although I expected Christmas to be harder, it feels like New Years might be tougher than I thought. I think the coming of a new year - one which Steve will never see - is coinciding with some grief work on my part to let go of aspects of my old life with him. So, it's hard, but in a way that eventually will be helpful, I think.
Hope you're not too sad today, with your son departing and that 2011 brings us all some peace.
Charlene, Today was Mom's funeral. I am SO done with having to make funeral arrangements. Mom's was only 9 wks.after Jim's. I looked at my daughters and grandaughters faces today, saw the tears,saw the sadness(they were close with Mom). Then I saw some of the same people there that were at Jim's funeral. I sure hope 2011 will be less painful. Thanks Charlene --- hope it'll be less painful to you also. Hugs
Charlene, Happy to hear from you. I'm faced with another crisis on this journey. My mom has taken a turn for the worse. Considering her age (93) and health, it would be a blessing for her to go. It's only been 8 1/2 wks since I lost Jim, don't know if I can handle this emotionally. Don't think I'll have a choice. God must think I'm alot stronger than I do. You could do me a favor, send some warm weather this way. The weather forcast is calling for 5 inches of snow tonite ----lovely. At six months, has it gotten any easier? Take care, thanks for being a friend.
It's good to hear from you. No, I wasn't sick, but did need to have a colonoscopy after a positive fecal occult blood test. It went well and nothing serious was found. Won't have to do the test again for 5 years. Just another unwelcome bump on the already-rough road, but it's over now, and I'm okay.
The holidays and the cold, dark, and snow of winter have me a bit lower than I'd been. I also think the numbness has finally worn off, and the pain is hitting hard. To the degree that that represents progress, I'll take it. I'll be glad when the holidays are over, even more glad when winter is over. But I have plans: Good friends in for dinner Christmas Eve and flying out to see my 2-year old granddaughter for a couple of days Christmas morning. I go back and forth on whether or not I feel like traveling, but I think Steve would want me to visit our granddaughter (and I have a non-refundable airline ticket!), so I'll just do it and not over-think it.
I'm glad you got through the 6-month mark well enough; it's encouraging to me. As for the emotions hitting unexpectedly, that is entirely consistent with what I'm experiencing. A tidal wave of pain can suddenly wash over me, leaving me nearly gasping for breath. Fortunately, if I just ride with the pain, it diminishes fairly quickly, maybe in 20-30 minutes. I won't feel great, but the worst passes, leaving the usual heavy pain I seem to carry around most of the time. I don't expect this to change anytime soon.
Are you on Facebook? There's a bereaved spouses group there - it's small; about 35 people - but the interface there is friendlier than on Legacy. If you're on (or if you want to join), find the group by typing "bereaved spouses" in the search box. Hope to see you there!
Charlene, thank you so much for sharing the Buddhist saying about pain vs. misery with me. I love it! Makes me want to stitch a sampler with that saying; it's perfect for how I'm feeling.
I hope you're doing well enough and that your Thanksgiving went well. Now we run the gauntlet of holiday merry-making, don't we? I'm starting a short-term (4 session), holiday grief support group tonight. I need it.
Just wanted to check in and say hi. I remember tomorrow is one of those unhappy anniversaries (so many of them, aren't there?). I'll be thinking about you and hoping the day goes well enough for you. Be good to yourself.
I know how badly it hurts, but the tears are healing.. A therapist friend told me that they help us to hea, and here's part if an article I read online: Cry and feel better.
One amazing discovery is that tear production may actually be a way to aid a person to deal with emotional problems. This finding lends some basis to the expression, ‘To cry it out helps a person feel better.’ Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and they feel worse by suppressing their tears.5
Not unexpectedly, those who suffer from the inherited disease familial dysautonomia not only cannot cry tears, but also have a very low ability to deal with stressful events.6
At the St Paul Ramsey Medical Center in Minnesota, tears caused by simple irritants were compared to those brought on by emotion. Researcher William Frey found that stress-induced tears actually remove toxic ‘substances’ from the body.7 Volunteers were led to cry first from watching sad movies, and then from freshly cut onions. The researchers found that the tears from the movies, called emotional tears, contained far more toxic biological byproducts. Weeping, they concluded, is an excretory process which removes toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress.
The simple act of crying also reduces the body’s manganese level, a mineral which affects mood and is found in up to 30 times greater concentration in tears than in blood serum. They also found that emotional tears contain 24 per cent higher albumin protein concentration than tears caused by eye irritants.8
The researchers concluded that chemicals built up by the body during stress were removed by tears, which actually lowered stress. These include the endorphin leucine-enkephalin, which helps to control pain, and prolactin, a hormone which regulates milk production in mammals.
They found that one of the most important of those compounds which removed tears was a
Hi Charlene - Thanks for your note. Today is hard; it would have been Steve's 70th birthday, and we had hoped it would mark a welcome change in his life. He waited to collect Social Security until then, was going to work just part-time and start enjoying some time to engage in his many, many interests. It just doesn't seem fair that he never got the chance. And I wanted to throw him a big party or something... not the memorial I held several weeks ago.
My stepdaughter and her partner are on their way in from Michigan even as I write. We'll do something to commemorate this day. It's the first "first" of what I expect will be a year of difficult firsts: his birthday, my birthday (in January), the holidays, our anniversary...
Otherwise, I'm hanging in there. How are you? Hugs back.