Judy's Comments

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At 1:39am on March 26, 2010, angela said…
the doctors has up my meds im like nothing i have ever felt lost and confussed it it suppose to hurt like this still after two years. i wake up felling like its just a dream and its not.
At 10:13am on March 24, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,

This guy was not on bond, as his bail was revoked, so in my sons case it does not matter. I am sorry for what you are going through. I rememer when we first spoke we both thought it would be cut and dry, and the legal part over quickly. It all goes back to the defendants rights. What about our sons right to live.
I have not been to the scene yet. I am suppose to go to my Amanda's grad in May, that is when we will go.
A lot going on at work, boss let go over a month ago
new one just started who I know. She is very nice. I was suppose to have surgery in June on my foot,have to pospone due to many changes at work. Hope my vac. is apporved by my district mgr, as I am management. Nothing is ever easy, If I can't go to my granddaughters grad I will be so upset. And to top it off I need new tires. I know I am rattleing....it's time for a deep breath and a prayer.

Take care,
Gerry
At 9:46pm on March 23, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Hi Judy,

We have a Hearing/Conference April 19th. Whenever I speak to the prosecutor or advocate they have nothing to report on these preliminary court dates. You could probably tell me more about my sons case than they do. The last I was told there was a witness that was driving alone side the guy and could identify him. According to the prosecutor they have to report this to the defence attorney.....in which case he will drag his tail. I was told he had several options one of which was pleading guilty. He could try to plea bargain or come up with evidence that he is innocent. I personally think they will drag this out 4 years,,,because he will get that time anyway because of the child in the car with him, then ask for lenience from the court. That is not enough time for taking my sons life.
Sorry to hear you sons trial is also draging,where is the justice. We lose our children and suffer the pain of their deaths and then we have to wait so long to put some closure to the legal side. You are in my thoughts keep me posted.
Your Friend,
Gerry
At 12:44am on March 23, 2010, ruby stone ellard said…
what a beautiful poem... so sorry for your loss.my best friend lost her son two years ago....he was home from college sitting at a red light , minding his own business, when a drunk woman hit his car from behind at a high speed. she two is in a lot of pain... since we both have felt this pain , it's makes our friendship much deeper and richer....stay in touch , you will be in my heart....ruby ellard
At 10:21pm on February 12, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,

What a beautiful story and I am sure the eagle was a sign from God. Without our belief in God and believing we will see our sons again life would be empty.
Gerry
At 10:28pm on February 11, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy, I have a garden Angel in the front bed do Impatients there and under a flowering tree. This year I will plant something in memory of my son and watch it grow, just as I watch his children, my granddaughters grow. This may help some.
I think it is so hard for me because I need to see where my son died. My closure is not complete, and won't be until I meet the people who were so kind and caring when this happened and until I cry on the spot where my son took his last breath. Does this make any sense?
Glad you are going to grief group. I know I find it very helpful being with and talking to other parents who lost their children. We are all in this horrible pain together.
God be with you,
Gerry
At 10:03pm on February 10, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,
I left you a message on your page the other day, am not sure if you recieved it, as I do not see it here. The blanket of rose petals on Jacks grave made me cry.He is kept warm with the knowledge of your love. I know you will understand how I mean this, you are fortunate to have his resting place to go to. I still have not been to the site of the accident and my sons death. That will come in May. I do have his momento urn of ashes as I told you.It is strange how the simple little things we do for them now means so much to us. I know we do them with so much love and will cherish these memories.
Take care,
Gerry
At 11:37am on February 9, 2010, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,
It was so nice to hear from you. Yesterday was very draining, but with the help of God and my son watching over me, I got through it. My two friends and I started the day by attending church and praying for my son and our family. At dusk we released ballons by a local church in honor of my son. When he was between 6 and 8 he desperately wanted a MONKEY...well there was no way that was happening..we already had a dog. I bought him a monkey puppet and he was thrilled and this satisfied him and," no cleaning up required". Yesterday when I went for his ballons..they had a MONKEY that said I Love You. Of course I bought it, along with a heart, as he has mine, and a star that said Happy Birthday. The name of His Band when he was late teens early 20's was AD ASTRA which translates to "TO THE STARS".Do you think he was with me...watching...no doubt in my mind. These are what I sent up to him. My friend also bought a star and a happy birthday one.So along with the many tears there were some happy memories.
I hope you are doing well...take care and thanks again for listening.

God be with you,
Gerry
At 4:49pm on November 3, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Forgot to tell you, one of the Churchs has a candlelight service DEC. 2nd not exactly sure what ele they will do, but, know that I will Light a candle for Jack, as well as my son.
With Love, Gerry
At 4:44pm on November 3, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Dear Judy,
I have a feeling that you and I were brought together to help each other. I just received an e-mail from Annie, she said the police never took a statement from her, they said, DON'T WORRY WE CAUGHT HIM. She has heard nothing about testifying. I am starting to worry, as they are trying to reduce his counts. I spoke to the Broward police advocate and now have the Ct. Advocate's name and number. She will be calling me back.
Your advice to read MADD victims service LEGAL PROCESS has been tremendously helpful. I just did that and recommended Annie to read it. There is so much about the legal process that we do't know or understand and this will be a good source. I do plan on making a VICTIMS STATEMENT before his sentencing, God willing.
I makes me feel good that you liked my idea about my sons cremains. So glad I made you feel a little about what I said. Our boys will speak to the Lord and help us get to where we need to be, I know that in my heart. Spoke to a grief counselor earlier today and we are not going crazy. She seemed very nice and understanding. It seems that what we are going through is normal.
As you can see, my thoughts are scattered all over the place. So much going on in my head,usually I am a very focused woman,but speaking to my ex yesterday brought this all on.
Gerry
At 10:04am on November 3, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,
You are so fortunate to have a grave marker and to be able to express some of your feelings of love for your son on it. I am sure that will help somewhat ease the pain. Through the years you can visit his grave. That sounds so cold, but I am sure you understand how it is meant. I don't have that. Some of my sons ashes is all I will have. I may get a mini urn, or perhaps a locket and wear him close to my heart.
Thanks for clarifying about the hearing, I think you may be right. I spoke briefly to the victims advocate this morning. She was with a family and will be calling back later today.
Yes, Dec. will be tough for you,I can see that. BUT, you sound like a strong woman and God, family and friends will get you through. Perhaps the one who will be the biggest help with all of these things going on in Dec. will be your son. He will know what you do, you do out of love for him. He will give you the strength and energy you need with the Lords help. I do believe if we ask our sons to speak to God on our behalf we will get the help we need.
Take Care, Gerry
At 10:08pm on November 2, 2009, Judy said…
Hi Gerry,
The hearing on the 17th may be the preliminary hearing at which time they determine if there is enough evidence to bind the case over for trial in the circuit court on the felony charge of manslaughter. This hearing lasted about four hours in our case, and gave some witness testimony and then testimony from the toxicologist about the blood alcohol content of the driver.
Our advocate called today to say that the chief judge has agreed to hear the 14 motions the defendant is proposing, and they set a date for Dec. 15.
I think I have finally finished my plan for my son's gravemarker. I have an appointment at 11:00 tomorrow to sign the final contract. This has been extremely difficult for me, as I couldn't fit the million things I had to say on one marker. I'm pretty satisfied with what I came up with so I'm going to go with it because I want the marker in place by his birthday, 12/24.
With the pre-trial hearing on 12/15, Jack's birthday on 12/24 and his anniversary on 12/28, I'm feeling some anxiety about December. Not to mention there's Christmas and my other son's birthday. I definitely need to get some energy back.
Judy
At 8:33pm on November 2, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Dear Judy,
You and your husband have had more than your share of grief. To loose so many loved one in such a short period of time has to be devastating. Your son is in the arms of his grand parents of that I am sure. When I am having a good moment that is what I believe of my Ric. He loved his grand parents so much, both sides mine and his dads, so I need to believe that he is ok and with them.
I found out today, that there is a hearing on the 17th, not sure why yet. My ex said he thinks the trial will not be for at least 2 years. Not sure why he thinks that, but I am beginning to think it will at least be a year. They want to make a deal, and were told no. Non of us want him to get off easy. I will not bargain when it comes to my son. This guys past history speaks for itself,and he should not be allowed to kill another innocent person, and put another family through the pain we feel. Spoke to a woman today who lost her son in 2005 and attended a grief group near me. I think I will go at least once and see if it helps me at all. My friend Judy went to church on All Saints Day and prayed for me to find some peace. I worked and could not attend mass that day. You sound as though you are getting to a place of comfort and peace. I pray you are, please consider praying for me,as I know I am not at that point yet.
Gerry
At 9:43pm on November 1, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Dear Judy,
Fl. does have a victims advocate, and I do have her name and number. I do get all the information from my daughter-in-law, but I really want to talk to this woman also. What is wrong with me, I just keep draging my feet and have not called her. I guess its because there has not been any news . Talking to the girls and their mom gives me comfort and I can cry all I want and need too, maybe that's the reason. You are lucky to still have such faith. I always believed so strongly and even had signs after my dad passed away some years ago. Now I pray for signs from God from my son, anything, just to know he is ok. I hurt so bad when I think that I may never get see him and tell him I love him again. I talk to his picture everyday. First thing every morning last thing every night, I tell him I love him. Just not the same.
I am rattleing on, please forgive me. Some days are just worse than others.
Being alone doesn't help,and yet there are times I just want and need to be alone. I just live moment by moment know.
Thanks for listening.
Gerry
At 11:41pm on October 30, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Hi Judy,
Just sitting here,packed up the arrangement that I made to put at the site of the accident where my son died, and recieved an e notice that you responded. I know what you mean about, would it be ok to be happy again. It's as though I don't feel I ever should because my son will never do anything again.Do all of us here deal with such guilt? I know we would all gladly take the place of our children, but is the guilt felt by us aIl? I always believed in God, heaven and an after life. Now ,when I need to feel this in my heart more than ever, I am having doubts. I am so worried that I will never see my son again, and it is killing me. I cry whenever I think of what he went through, I cry so much that my eyes should be dried out. I need to know I will be with him again.
I will get the book you recommend and read it, maybe this will help some. I am sorry you are going through a bad time. The stress of the trial must be horrible. Do you have a support system, a husband , other children or family members, to get you through this? I am alone, except for friends. My sister is up in years and not doing well, she is almost 85. I worry about her health so I can not vent to her. Thank God for friends.
I have been on MADD and am actively fighing for IGNITION INTERLOCK, I also have some thoughts on new DUI laws that I want to talk to my State Rep about. I will check put the article about the legal process for drunk driving cases. We have heard nothing about my sons case. I feel so frustrated as I live in another state. So, as soon as I hear I will be flying out. Yours was posponed so many times, now I worry about that. I will need to know so I can book my flight and take off work. You say the commonwealth attorney, do you live in Virginia or Kentucky? Is the guy who was responsible for your sons death remorseful? I feel so bad for you that he is out on bail. Sorry to ask so many questions, only answer if you choose too, and I will understand.
Keep me posted. You are in my thoughts.
Gerry
At 10:46pm on October 30, 2009, Judy said…
Hi Gerry,
It really hit me when you said that happiness is no longer in your vocabulary. I have felt this way also, wondering if I ever can be and what's more would it be okay if I was. I have been given some hope that happiness is going to occur from a great book I read called "Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sisler. He lost his wife, daughter and mother in a drunk driving accident and explains his journey afterward. After reading his story, I felt hope that I can live out the rest of my days with joy and try to hang onto that, though I admit I'm not strong enough to feel that way every day. I'm going through a particularly bad period now and have been for about a month now, but I've got tot try to snap out of it.
I don't know if you've read the MADD website, but they have an excellent article on the legal process for drunk driving cases. I can relate to every single one of the things it says up until the actual trial phase since we haven't gotten there yet. I probably should have done some of this a long time ago, but I was so immersed in my sadness I didn't have the energy to think about that side of things. The death itself is so extremely difficult and then the legal stuff just continually reopens the wounds. The commonwealth attorney called today to say that the prosecution and defense will meet with the chief judge on Monday to see if they'll have to bring in another judge from a different district.
Are there any new developments in your case?
Take care.
Judy
At 10:07am on October 29, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Dear Judy,
Thankyou for the birthday wish. I have but one, to bring back my son, I would do anything if that were possible. Happiness is no longer a word in my vocabulary, I guess just feeling somewhat ok someday, will be good. My best friend, who is like a sister,her husband,who I knew way before her,like my brother, took me to dinner. Just a sad very low key night. He,(Jim) is a funeral director, and handled the memorial service for my Ric.
I am sorry to hear about the legal bull you are going through. This should not be, as you said he should just take responsibility and pay his dues. I really put a lot of the blame on the attorneys and the justice system. I have found so many blogs from high profile lawwers urging these offenders to contact them so they can get them off, one is a woman who implies that your drivers license is your right. I guess she never lost a son because of a drunk driver. Somehow, I think they believe, after a little time passes and we start the healing process that we don't need the justification of punishment. Little do they know, the longer it takes, the more we need it.We know our sons life counted, now As mothers, we need to make sure our sons death count for something. Am I making sense? I guess what I am saying is, do something good because of it. Take this person off the road, turn his life around so he can see what he did, and pray he never does it again. Punishment and rehab is the only way to do this and of course the fear of God.
We are lucky that bail was revoked for the man who killed my son. I have spoken to the woman who was the last to see him and saw my son get killed. She is wonderful, as are her twin 17 year old boys. I am sending a roadside silk arrangement that I made to put at the site, and she will watch it for me. Unlike you, I am so removed from everything, and this is killing me. Because I have allergic asthma, I have difficulty breathing in the humidity and extreme temps there, my son was always trying to get me to move down. Now I wish I had, it would have given me so much time that I lost with him. Annie, the woman who saw the accident, has asthma, told me how bad Fl. is for the condition.Is constintely being rushed to the hospital for treatment. She helped take away some of my guilt. Talk about people coming into your life for a reason.
About posting on this site, I found your message to me by accident.I went to your page to make sure mine to you was there, and saw your reply. Here's what you did, you read mine, then just went to the top and replied and sent. It went on YOUR PAGE. What you need to do is click on my name above my message, it will send you to MY PAGE.At the top it should say, leave message for Gerry, your first one came through right. Then reply, and hit add comment. This site has so many ways to respond that it is confusing. You will only get e-mail notification if it is sent to your page. Hope that helped. I sent my personal e-mail in first message, use that if you prefer.
Listen, you can vent and do and say whatever, I know how you feel.
My Prayers are with you,
Gerry
At 11:05pm on October 28, 2009, Judy said…
Dear Gerry,
Belated happy birthday. I hope you were able to find some happiness. I remember it being a particularly hard day for me, my first birthday without my son, because it's normally the day I can do anything I want and all I wanted was for the whole family to be together. I had a major pity party for the entire morning and had just gotten out of bed and showered when some of my girlfriends came over with cake and flowers to surprise me. The importance of good friends in tough times means so much to me now.
Thanks for writing. I'm not sure how this type of message works either, but hopefully you'll receive mine. For some reason, I haven't been getting email notifications of new messages on the board, but I did receive one that you had a message for me.
We learned last week that the trial would be continued yet again. That would make the third continuance to date. The reason this time is that the driver hired a new lawyer and he was not yet prepared to go to trial. He hired a very high profile lawyer this time who has a reputation for stringing these proceedings out as far as possible. They are expecting it will be at least a year before we actually go to trial. Today we went to court as the new lawyer was planning to enter several motions and we wanted to hear them first hand. It turned out he was going to present 14 of them, but the judge ended up having to recuse himself because he knew some members of our family. They attempted to get another judge to no avail as three others have also recused themselves for the same reason. They are now thinking they will get a judge from another jurisdiction. We probably won't even get to have the motions heard the beginning of the new year, which seems ridiculous to me. The anniversary of my son's death will be 12/28 and to think that the courts can move this slow seems wrong. It's all about giving the defendant a fair trial and I believe in that, but in a case like this, why is a trial even necessary? They know what happened, but they have to prove it. In many cases like this, the defendant will say that he was not the driver if there's no one else who can prove otherwise.
I have found this aspect of my son's death extremely difficult and most of the time put it out of my mind. But when these court dates get close, I'm nervous, can't sleep, sick to my stomach. Since this is obviously going to go on for a while, I'm going to have to figure out how to handle it better. I resent the driver (even more) for doing this; why can't he just admit he made a mistake and take responsibility instead of putting us through this? I see that as a big problem in our society, and this court system plays right into it.
I will pray that the trial for your son's case will go speedily and without all of these quirks. If they're keeping him in jail, it should come about much more expediently because they're only allowed to be in jail a certain amount of time without a trial. Our guy has been out on bond since a week after the accident so it is in his best interest to have as many continuances as he can get.
Thanks for letting me vent. Take care.
Judy
At 10:12am on October 28, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Judy,
I am not sure if you got the first message, or if you will get this, but here goes.
Though of you yesterday, and wondered how the trial went. Hope you are doing ok. Please write and let me know. Will post something on the wall also.
Gerry
At 7:04am on October 14, 2009, Gerry Fiden said…
Dear Judy,
My prayers will be with you and your family, especislly on the 27th., that is my birthday. Lets pray for Gods help in dealing with this. No celebration this year, just a lot of prayer for my son, yours and all the other parents who are grieving. My e-mail is pupeluvr@live.com. If you like to contact me personally. I have news on my sons case also. Just too much to write about here.
With Love,
Gerry

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