thanks   to everyone  thanks

Thanks for your nice words  and  the stories.  may   all  the spirits  above  be  together    in   harmony  .     T hanks   to all  of you that understand me  many thanks.

prayers to you ,  I know it hard to go on an be just yourself . blessing to you always .

thanks,  my prayers will be with you always.

Thank you for adding me as a friend.  Your blog expresses so much of what I feel, though i don't think I could have expressed it as well.  I feel like I am losing my mind, too.  I write to Chris in my journal -- and, once, I even used my left hand to write an answer back from my love.  Is that crazy?  I still use the "His" and "Hers" pillowcases that I made for us -- and I still sleep on only my side of the bed -- his slippers are still there -- his razor and after-shave still in the drawer where he kept it.  I was very brave and cleaned out his closet -- saving some of the things I loved -- but he never cared much about clothes, anyway.  If this is all too crazy, please tell me. 

  Vee  I can understand what your going thru,  I have no family support either.,  It's been 1 1/2 yrs for me, but seems longer.  I also struggle w/finances so we have more on our plate.  One night I was so worried I was awake until 4:30am!!   I am taking some Hobby type fun classes  (Not for credit) where I live   they r an hour & 1/2  & can learn new things,  of course didn't take any for 2 yrs.. couldn't focus much,  can a little better now.  I just hired someone to get rid of weeds in large backyard & frontyard  but he didn't spary to get rid of them,  NOW   I'm gonna hv to hire another person to spray the yard!!  and
don't really know my neighbors either,  they just stay to themselves

I hv a girlfriend who snowbirds here fm CO  but she is gone now too so I miss her   when she here I see her almost everyday!  and then come the crying jags  the case where I saw my husband thru his illness is so complicate & long   so I won't go into it now.  But it's been very tough.,  I do try to focus on the Good I have, & that helps.  Ok  take it one day at time everyone, & like Vee says try tohelp others   to get us off from thinking about ourselves & when we help othrs  we feel better ourselves  & also  we should all at leat go walking everyday...  release the enforphins we need to feel better.....

Hello Vee...I haven't been on here much of late, but so glad to see your faith. My wife passed away in April, and only trust in the Lord brings you through it. I don't know your story, but my wife was in rehab for heart surgery. She was doing well and then, just like that, she died. It's been a long 5 months. I got to be good friends with one person on this site...she and I  talk frequently, and we continue to help each other through this. Anyway, hope your day is good! Charley

Hi Vee,

How are you doing my dear? Its long since we communicated. the Lord's grace has been seeing me and my boys through our grief.

In Kenya here, we are experiencing very cold seasons though not like the winter you people experience.

Otherwise God bless you.

Keziah

Hi Vee. I know it's only a few days before Christmas and I'm sure life must be reeking havoc on your emotions right now. Please do know that God is with you and that really soon 'death will be swallowed up forever. ( Isaiah 25:8) Do know you are not alone. It's good that you have his family as a support and I do hope that you will keep in touch and let me know how you are coping.

Hi Vee, it is long since we talked. Lord has continued to be faithful. he has continued to heal my wounds though a day hardly passes without me thinking about my husband. I at times feel so lonely.Am also dreading christmas as am not imaging us without him. It was our culture over christmas to go n b with his parents n now cant imagn going home without him. I thank the Lord his parents have bn very supportive. otherwise have been quite busy harvesting maize n reading for my masters degree. Here in Kenya, the place is sunny.

Hi Vee, I believe God has continued to heal your broken heart as He does to me every day (Psalms 34:18). Am sorry yesterday you were very sad n you missed Barry.It is normal; I too at times cry a lot n miss my hubby Antony too much. He was part of my life and we shared a lot. we had seen each other grow and develop career and you can imagn how that brightened our hearts. sometimes I don't imagine my hubby is gone n have no one to cheer me up. He lived about 300 kilometres from where I live as he worked as an administrator in the University and he would travel over on Thursdays or Fridays and we would spend our weekends together. weekends are the most tormenting days for me. Everyday at 9.00pm he would talk to me and the boys and wish us good night and I too wish he would call me. My mind too also refuses to accept he is gone n hopes hes coming. My hubby was humorous and I miss his humor. I am happy to know he is in heaven and heaven is a much better place. i even no longer cook some african food we did over the weekend n enjoyed together as this makes me sad. we loved spending our time on the couch where we took this picture.

in Kenya there are many Christians. in fact over 70% of Kenyans are Christians. there are other religions like Islam n Hindu. Christians are either Catholics or protestants. we have Christians radio stations and TV stations which help in spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Kenya is a beautiful country;its warm through out the year. we have no major seasons as summer or winter. the temperatures are okay; about 28 degrees Celsius during the day and 20 degree Celsius at night. some areas agriculturally productive and there are others which are quite arid. there are also wild animals and beautiful beaches.

Vee, we may not know what the future holds, but we can trust the One who holds the future.

May Lord's favour be upon you, u r blessed

Keziah

Hi Vee, I am doing better. I went to dinner with Macho's family last night and it was really nice to see them and talk about the days he was here. Everything has changed in the last 43 days but I decided that I need to stop killing my lungs and liver with smoking and alcohol, so I quit a few days ago. I have been spending more time with my son and it feels good to be able to joke around with him. This has brought us closer. I love my son and Macho loved his as well. You see Macho couldnt have kids so he called Walter his own son. The funny part is that Walter kinda looks like him and has the same beauty marks, lol. LIfe goes on and I am trying to deal with it as it comes. I am still angry and alone and wish things were different, but I am learning that I cant change or control everything.

I really hope you are doing well, and understand that you two will be together once again sooner or later. Then you do meet all your questions and doubts will be answered. One day we will all be happy. In life we let out doubts control our lives and this has been my issue too. I doubted him so much and I was too busy being scared that I didnt give him everything he needed. I wasted too much time trying to make him into something he wasnt, but now I see that while I was trying to change him, he changed me. I am glad I met him and I have learned so much from him. You will see Barry and you can tell him all about how he touched and changed you as a person, cause you cant love someone this much and have learned nothing.

I have been looking for grief groups out here in south Florida but the only ones are on thursday nights and I work those days so I will keep looking. I am taking a day at a time and some days are good and some are bad but  I keep going. Life is different now, calm and I dont stress over the little things anymore, but that could also be cause I dont really care so much anymore.

I judt hope things get better for you, just remember that he knows you loved him and you didnt have to say "yes" for him to know that. We made foolish decisions but they forgave us, just like we forgave them.

Love Helen

Hi Vee, thank you for accepting to be my friend. Keziah was one of the Job's daughter (Job 42:14). I work for the government of Kenya and am also a woman leader in our church. I also mentor the youths in the church.I also do some farming and am a masters student writing my thesis on Youth mentoring. at least am busy though by the end of the day I wish my hubby was there we share how the day was. For the case of my hubby, the one who killed him was arrested n is out on bail n this hurts me so much though constitutionally in our country is okay. the hearing for the case starts in September 27th this year and will be traveling about 300 kilometres from where I live. Am Just praying for justice for my husband. U r blessed Vee

Hi Vee, thank you so much for your encouraging words. God bless you. for the first time in 5 months you have written something I can identify with.many people tend to tell me to move on and I have always felt hurt wondering why they treat me so harshly. they dont understand how much I miss my husband, we had known each other for 15 years(since college) and married for 11 years too. we had dreams to fulfill together. today I missed him so much; I had gone to the farm n was wishing he was there to help me accomplish some tasks.

Please Vee, continue praying for me as I pray for you. did you and your husband had children?

You are blessed. Keziah Mwaura, Kenya

This thing send my comment 5 times!...lol

I am ok, I think. Actually I have been trying to drown my grief in vodka but I dont think its working. A few nights ago I went to the beach at night waiting to be alone so I can swim out into the ocean and be with him. The only thing that saved me that night was a text message from my son telling me he was hungry...lol. I feel so stupid even telling you this because no one knows about that night. I miss him, and I still sleep with his shirt and I still think about him every second that passes by. Two nights ago I went out to drink my pain away again, although it didnt work, I spend the whole night crying and puking. I swear this is not me. I was strong once. My whole life is in question. I am in the RN program and classes start on the 23rd, but I am not motivated to do anything. I started nursing so I can take care of him when he gets old, but now I have no one to take care of. I have been sleeping for over 12 hrs a day and I stopped going to the gym. I feel like a bum but I just cant get it together. I dont know how to go back to myself. I am lost and I think I might need some help. Thank you for checking up on me, my son keeps me alive, but it means alot to me that you care enough to even send me a message. Thank you.