Hi Theresa, I read what you wrote on the side of "Loss of A Child." There are a couple of reasons that drew me to respond to you. However, in order to send a message we had to be friends. Therefore, I decided I'd be happy to add you as a friend. The second thing is you're last name is the same last name that a past in-law had. The last reason is that I was touched and can definitely relate to your not going to your mother's grave. If I tell you what I haven't been able to do you may think poorly of me. However, I believe that each of us are individuals and there should be no pressure on us. The only pressure of going or not going to a grave is our own. My dad passed in 1991, then my only sibling, my brother Richie passed in 1995. My mother with the help of others (she didn't drive) took care of cemetery arrangements and the wife at the time took care of my brother Richie's arrangements. When I went to my dad's grave afterwards it was cold and I gasping for breathe for hours unable to breathe. After going to a doctor I learned I had underlying bronchial asthma. In April 5, 2010 my only child Joe who was 42 1/2 at the time was taken by a drunk driver after he left our house Easter Sunday April 4th. The 3rd time I was at the grave of my dad as we were able to arrange to have our son buried next to dad. Then in November 2012 my mother passed. There have been many hurdles I've had to deal with. Some were business related and some have been some health issues. This past summer with good intentions Bill and I went to get a marker for my son Joe. And to have the date placed on my mother's marker that she placed for her and dad when dad passed. The man said he'd go out and check everything out and then I was suppose to get back to him. With so many things driving me up a wall it put that on the the back burner. After seeing the man and his wife at the place Bill and I visited the graves. I have not gone back to even place a wreathe on the 3 graves that all all together side by side. I wanted to do it but earthly responsibilities were a priority and I'm still not finished yet. Eventually, it will get done. So you see Theresa you're not the only one who hasn't gone to the cemetery. I recall one time my mom thought she was going to die and she wrote me a note that she would always be with me. She was right she is with me. Sometimes my dad, my brother but my mother and son are always with me. I told my husband that I live with dead people. I believe that as soon as a person passed their soul is immediately with God. They experience complete peace and pure love. When someone passed they can't take anything material into the after-life. The one and only thing they take is the love they others have had and will continue to have for them here on earth. Yes I am positive that anyone we have loved takes the love with them. No one can take the love from them or us. It is ours to keep forever. You take care of yourself and live life on earth at your own pace. It's okay we do nothing wrong by not going. Look in the mirror and see your mother in your eyes. I feel like I am my mother when I wear her cute little fur hat. And when I wear one of her jackets. I hope I've been able to touch on something that can make you feel better. May God Bless You Theresa!
Thanks for the encouragement but I don't think that will ever happen. I just don't think there's "a lid for this pot"!!!! I am divorced over 35 years, went with a guy for 13 (that was about 13 yrs. ago!!) so I've tried and failed.. Maybe I'm just meant to live a life like this!!!!! But thanks for your kind words - I really appreciate it!! BUT you never know what's going to happen... Thanks again & Take Care..Love Ya,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm happy that my words at least brought you some comfort. Yes, I truly believe that our moms know everything about us. We have that certain bond with a mother that is very stong. Our mother's will always live in our hearts even though a piece of me died with her that day--I know I'm never going to be the same again but I keep on trying!! I am an only child and have no spouse or children so now I feel like I have no family--I'm all alone in this world and I really don't like it. Take Care.....
Please stop beating yourself up over not being with your mom when she passed away. Think about it as if that's the way your mom wanted it. Maybe she didn't want you to see her pass away--she knew that you couldn't possibly deal with that--so instead she wanted to leave before you came to her. My mom was a diabetic and had her leg amputated below the knee (she was 94 but acted and seemed so much younger). After the operation she was not ready to come home until she was fitted for and walked on her prosthetic leg so she had to be placed in a nursing home until she I could handle her at home. She was doing really good and saw the surgeon on a Friday. He was so pleased with her progress that he gave us an rx for a shrinker (not sure if that's exactly what you call it) and the prosthesis. On Monday I had a doctor appt so I didn't get to the nursing home until later in the afternoon. I told her I would be there until after 3 PM but I got out of the dr office earlier than I expected so I decided to stop for a soft pretzel on my way to the nursing home. Then, when I got to the nursing home, I stopped at the front desk to look at pictures on the computer that the receptionist was showing to everyone--wasting more time. When I got to her room, I found her dead!!! The aide told me that she just put her down for a nap 15 min. before but when I saw her, she was cold as ice, stiff and a funny color so I'm trying to talk myself into not feeling guilty about stopping for a pretzel and looking at pics before seeing her (I got to her room about 3:15). My friends were telling me that's the way my mom wanted it. She didn't want to pass away while I was there because she knew I couldn't handle it. But I can't forgive myseslf because I know that first of all: She didn't want to die in a nursing home (but I had no other choice--I couldn't handle her at home with only one leg. I have a real bad back and only weighed about 110 lbs--I wouldn't be able to handle her w/o her prosthetic leg and her not having the necessary therapy to use that leg, etc.. But I will never forgive myself--ever ever!! I wasn't there when my dad died (he died in a hospital) and I always said that I wanted to be there for my mom--she hated being alone!! And she died all alone!! I know that it happens that way sometimes--I heard the stories before my mom died....Someone was in the hospital with their dying spouse, parent, etc.. and was always there but just left the room for a moment and that's when that person died. So I know it happens and it's so hard for the person who blames her (him) self. But I really don't know how I would have handled it seeing my mom actually die. I think I would be able to handle it but God only knows that and you have to trust in him. But I know it's so hard!! But please try not to blame yourself, it does happen--you're not alone. Please take care and stay strong. Here's a hug for you so you know someone else understands and cares!!!
Theresa, I wanted to stop in and say hello to you!! How have you been and how are things going for you? I've been going through it the last couple of days myself, questioning everything and asking everyone that will listen what did I do wrong! I guess its the guilt of not being there with her when normally I would have. I was feeling a little down and just wanted to write a friend to say hi and give my mind a break. Talk with you soon, and hope things are going well for you. Much love, Ella
Theresa, thank you for understanding. We live in FL & I'm an only child, so I won't have a "support system" if you will, when mom passes. Richard's 62 (both our birthdays are in Jan) & I just turned 51. I have 34 y.o. frat twin stepdaughters, Jean/Tom, & Christy. they're renting my parents' house til June when they either must buy it or I must list it for sale. Jean has a 1 1/2 y.o. daughter & Chris has a 4 mo old daughter.
anyway, when Dad died, I wasn't there since I had a severe head cold & ironically didn't want to make him worse...so I didn't go to the n.h. to see him - I know in my head I did the right thing, but still...
Ok, so now there's mom in the same nursing home at 93. It was different w/Dad because I had to pick up mom, drive to the home, & sometimes I'd sit in the hall while they visited. But NOW it's just mom & me, NOBODY else, Theresa!!!
I guess you just have to tell them you love them each time you leave the home & hope for the best! When the home calls to deliver the news, unless I'm there when she passes, however I deal with it that's how I'll deal with it. Thanks so much for listening, Theresa.
Theresa, I got it. Unfortunately hubby Richard is fixing my toilet so I didn't get a chance to reply immediately. I apologize. I'll have to reply to your letter later since I printed it out. Thank you for your letter. I promise I'll write to you tomorrow.
Theresa, how do I deal with this unending pain of missing my beloved Daddy & how do I get through my mom's passing? I know it's asking a lot but you & countless other women have been through the horrible pain of losing your beloved mothers & I just don't know what to expect. Losing Dad was rough. Losing my mother will be unimaginable, but I know it will happen one of these days. Thanks for listening. Karen Russo
Oh Theresa where can I start. Like people tell me "don't you dare blame yourself" and even though that goes in one ear and out the other I really do mean it. Hurt, pain, denial, and disbelief are some hard things to get over besides losing your loved one too. You didn't do anything that your mother wouldn't have known you to do. Let me say this, what if she didn't want you to be there? They say some loved one's prefer to go alone because they don't want to upset their loved one's or see them crying when they can't do anything about it. Your mother knows that you would have been right there taking her through it so don't beat yourself up. Now, if I can take my own advise I'd be fine too, lol. I am 47yrs old and I have a son and I believe I wouldn't dare want to see him suffering my lose and would have to see it. I don't believe I'd like to die that way. I'm one of those people who thinks they have to fix everything when I don't, lol. Can you image not being able to fix your loved one's sorry when its you thats getting ready to go? I can't! I say that to say this rest easy Theresa and like that old saying goes "Mother knows best", take that and hold on to it. Be strong, and trust that things will fix itself in the long run. Stay encouraged
Teresa, I am so sorry for your loss. I really think that in times like that we function on auto pilot and dont really understand a lot of what we are doing or why we are doing it. One thing I have been able to realize and truely understand the past few months is there is a difference between guilt and regret. There are many, many things that looking back on I wish I had done differently and I will always regret that for a multitude of reasons they could not have been. There were many times mom wanted me to do things that I was not able to do and while I regret I was not able to do them, I did EVERY thing I could to be there for her and I know I did my very best so I have no reason to feel guilty. It took a long time for me to comprehend the difference between those two and I will admit it was with some professional help. I did the best I could. Just as you did the best you could. My mom would not want me to be hurting myself the way I was doing with self imposed guilt. My mom loved me and althought we did not always see eye to eye I know she died knowing I loved her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope your sorrow turns to peace and you can find comfort in the situation. Just remember it is also to regret things were not different, but be gental with your self becuase you did the best you could.