Hi Jane, its me again.... Try to look for me again on fB cuz I changed my privacy settings & Thats probably why you couldn't find me, I had it set where only friends of friends could find me, If u go to your setting and look at who can find u on FB then click on that & change it to everyone then I can find u.... when we find each other u can change it back.... did I make any sense??? lol I hope we find each other, Remember Ronda Gray Johnston... talk to u soon Jane. Hugs Ronda
Hi Jane, You probably haven't been on since we wrote last but let me know who is on your fb profile pic so I can get on Idea what to look for, My profile pic is of me & Sean an old black & white photo booth pic when he was little & my name on fb is Ronda Gray Johnston try looking too.... Talk to u later Jane. Hugs Ronda
Hi Jane, Thank u for writing me back, when Sean pasted I was not mad at God like a lot of people were & are.... I felt the need to get to know the lord more then I ever have.... I know with all my heart Sean is in a better place, I tell my self he's not suffering anymore, He's not hurting anymore but I'm just so sad cuz I will not be able to touch, hold, hug, kiss, talk to him ever again.... that's what HURTS LIKE H---!!!!!! You do have other children right?? boys or girls?? what ages?? I just have Sean & a daughter, shes 21. I'm going to look for you on facebook, look for Ronda Gray Johnston & my profile pic is of Sean with a sweatshirt with the Doors on it..... look for me please.... I hope we find each other... Jane please keep in touch, k? Talk to you soon... Hugs & much love. Ronda
Jane, How are you? I'm not doing to well, I just received Sean's Autopsy & it has been hard every since plus today on Valentines day this is 8 months today he's been gone....Please write me when u get a chance. God Bless You Friend, Luv u, Ronda
Hello Jane, Thank You so much for thinking of me, I haven't been feeling to good, I'm grieving very much for Sean!!! I had the worst week ever, Sean's x girlfriend just found out of Sean's passing and came over & stayed 4 hours and it just opened a soar wound again & I was just feeling very crappy!!!! My mind was going & going so much I felt like I was just going to lose it so I had to medicate myself & sleep to escape & let my mind rest, It was just horrible but I'm feeling a lil better & I need to find things to keep me busy.... Sean passed June 14th 2010 were still waiting on his autopsy its been so long...I was told Sean & his friend took some oxi's & volumes & his friend said they both passed out & when his friend woke up Sean was on the floor gone.... I need to know the truth even though it wont bring Sean back I just need to know....Jane I'm so HEART BROKEN I just don't know what to do at time's. How are you? Please write to me anytime... are you on Face Book?? Iam, If you are look me up Ronda Gray Johnston and my profile pic is of Sean, not the photo that's on this one site. I hope your doing okay..... Write again would love to hear more about Kyle PLEASE!!!! Hugs to u & your family, God Bless, Love Ronda
Hello Jane, Merry Christmas to you & your family.... I didn't celebrate Christmas this yr, No lights , No tree, No decorations anywhere, I just couldn't do it this yr.... I did talk with my daughter about it she is 21 & still lives at hm, I was so torn cause I didn't want to keep Christmas from her but I just couldn't get my self to do anything, she understood & told me we didn't have to do anything that its just fine with her so it made me feel a lot better. I did buy her a couple things but I didn't even want to shop & go into the stores & hear the Christmas music playing & see everyone so happy, I don't think I will truly be happy ever again in my life.... I didn't get up until almost 12 noon today, I just didn't want to get out of bed, our daughter wasn't hm she stayed over her boyfriends house so there wasn't nothing to get up for.... I hope you had a nice day today..... oh and Auburn, isn't that up North? I haven't heard of Auburn... Apple Valley is 3 hours south of Vegas... How old are your other children? Are you married? well Jane write me anytime, k? would love to get to know you & Kyle a lil more. Hug & God Bless. Ronda
My first Christmas without him, This has yet to be the hardest. I thank God for my daughter, Kelly and my other son, Kevin. It will be so different without Kyle. I know we all feel the loss.
My heart and love go to everyone who is missing thier child this holiday and know I pray for all the parents who are grieving. I thank all who have taken the time to write me. I am looking forward to meeting more people as it helps SO much knowing I'm not suffering alone. It is very sad to meet new friends in this way but I am thankful to god that this site is here for parents of lost children. My thoughts and prayers and much Love go to each and everyone of you.....Jane Kyles mom
Hello Jane as I read these posts i cry. for I know we are all moms. and we are here because the time doesn't seem to help it makes it worse. for it has been longer than when we heard i love you mom.... oh gosh... i am here to cry with and figure out what to do. i don't think we will ever get better and the other children i am thankful for them.. but the depression was here before this and now it is worse and will forever be love to you and your sweet life.... i will write when i can carrie L
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Ryan's sunset date was October 28th (five years) and I've been a bit out of touch. I am looking at Kyle's picture and what a handsome young man he is. And I can feel the pain you are going through. Fear is so normal because we realize if our child can be taken from us, then we are vulnerable to anything. I only felt this fear when I thought something might happen to my other children or my husband. Mostly I felt like the worse thing possible has happened and anything else that came along (other than a loss) was never going to be as bad as losing Ryan. For me, looking at pictures became and obsession. Yes, I cried hysterically when I did but I had to get out this grief. I knew I didn't have much else left of him so the pictures were so important to me. It's a personal thing. Don't feel bad if you can't look at them right now or even in the near future. It is so "normal" to not believe any of it happened. Who wants to face the fact it is the end of your child's life and the end of time with them? I wish I could tell you, after five years, that I still don't have that feeling of Ryan calling or walking through the door but I cannot. In fact, I drift to the thought of how I'm going to give him hell the next time he calls/comes by that he has waited so long to get in touch with me. I pretend he's just too busy for mom right now. I pretend a lot even after this much time. I think it's just a way to protect our fragile hearts and minds. Everything you have worried about is about as normal as it can be given your son is gone and given the fact it has not been that long.
Hold on the best you can. Take baby steps and take care of yourself. As always, feel free to contact me. God bless you. You are in my prayers.
Hello Jane, My name is Ronda and I just read your blog.... I'm so very sorry to hear about your son Kyle, what a handsome young man. I also lost my son on Monday June 14th 2010, The worst day of my life!!! I'm so Heart broken, I'm sad all the time. I know how you feel when you said your scared & don't know why, I also felt scared so scared and didn't know why but now I'm not having those thoughts anymore, I just can't believe it true, that he is gone & I won't see his smiling face, hear his voice, tell him I love him, hug him, I'm sure you feel the same.......I just wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know you can write to me anytime. I know how your feeling, please keep in touch would love to hear back from you. Hugs to you and your family, Ronda
Feel free anytime to email me and "talk". I'm glad I could be some comfort to you. The fact is only those who have lost will understand. I know when I first lost Ryan I joined The Compassionate Friends and it was very helpful to have someone who had been through this. And, those who had been a few years out were the most helpful. I know the loss of Kyle has been devastating for you. Just remember, he IS still with you. God bless!
First of all, let me say I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad you have decided to write about your loss. I have also lost a son. My Ryan was 18 when he died in a skateboarding accident. That was five years ago this October. Maybe because it has been so much longer than your loss I can help you.
Being scared is very natural. We have been violated by the death of our child. It is NOT supposed to happen to US. When it does then we feel if our child's death could happen then anything can happen. The other side of the fear is "what do I do now?" For me, I felt like I just can't live through this pain...what do I do with myself....how will I be able to enjoy ANYTHING again...and so on. To my surprise, I am still here today. I have managed by taking little baby steps and not expecting much of myself. We are gravely wounded and we need time to make adjustments to our lives. But some adjustments can't be made and you mentioned one of them...the waiting for them to walk through the door, waiting for them to "come home". It has been five years and I still look for him. My mind cannot comprehend I will not see him until my own death.
I hope this helps. Feel free to write anytime. Kyle's death is so recent that you may not even realize you are still in shock. Be kind to yourself. Cry when you wish, talk to him and most of all do not let anyone make you feel you have "grieved enough" and it's time to move on. That is such a stupid expection of us that no one has the right to know when it's time. For me, I shall mourn my son all the days of my life and I don't care what anyone else thinks about that! God bless you and show you the way to making peace with a tragic situation.