Diane's Comments

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At 1:23pm on January 20, 2011, Phil's Mamama said…

I read what you had written about Christmas. . .there is nothing that hurts me more than the meaning your words convey. . .for me, there is putting up James' clothes, putting up Wills clothes but never never putting up Philips. . .what do you want on the pizza. . .two answer but never three. . .where are my brothers used to be the question. . .now there is no question.  I feel your sadness and the same empty weak feeling.

 

I love the picture of your son.  It is so beautiful.  What a handsome young man and I can tell the two of you adore each other.  I have pictures like that. .. but no more.

 

Please let me know if there is anything I can do. . .just listening.

Diane

Philips mamma in NC

At 8:40pm on January 1, 2011, Colleen Pasay said…

Hi Diane

Just read an old comment you had sent regarding talking with your son. Funny I had just e mailed Cindy's mom Julie this story:I stopped at a consignment store they sell items from the season and had a whole wall of Christmas ornaments and I was drawn to the angel ornaments. A lady approached me and asked me if I bought things from the store and if I did I had to "Remove the negative energy" " light a tea light and run your hand over it and say Bad energy be gone...." I told her she was scaring me and laughed. She gave me her card and said that she worked at an engineering company around the corner and something made her come over there. All of a sudden she started flinching her eyes really hard and rapidly and her upper body started jerking she looked like she was having a petite mall seizure. But in the next second she looked at me and said “Is there a man in his 30's?" My heart stopped and I asked her why she asked me that... I googled her when I got home her firm was a Pipeline engineering firm that my son was required to take his courses. I was never a believer unless I could touch it or understand it . Her card read Onthewingsofangels I actually felt him that whole weekend both his sadness in the loss of his leaving behind his beloved kids and I felt his heartbreak and sorrow as I stood holding a sweater of his to my chest. I went to his grave that weekend and I actually heard his laughter at me for putting so much stuff on his grave. He was not a foo foo person and I had placed a wreath and tree..his grave was already covered in flowers and gifts. I truly heard him laughing and he asked me what I was doing and I spoke out loud and laughed telling him that this was what people were supposed to do. Am I a believer? How can I not be? Why is it this complete stranger comes up to me and asks if there is a man in his 30's? I have been able to speak with my son a few times also and what a comfort

Colleen

At 6:26pm on December 24, 2010, Jane said…

Hi Diane,

I havent logged in for a while now But wanted to let you know I think of you often and my love goes out to you. I pray for all to have strength this christmas as it is so hard to celebrate when we have such emptyness inside as well as the unbearable pain at times.

Talk soon Much Love Jane

At 10:14pm on December 21, 2010, Terri Kuta said…

Hi Diane:

 

I know what you mean about christmas my youngest died nov of this year so this is all so new to me, but people keep telling me i have to put a happy face on for my other children, why they don't even have happy faces we all are just going thru the motions for each other where I would have just prefered to have skiped this year all together.  People especially family mean well but if they haven't been where we have been they just don't understand.

At 8:33am on December 18, 2010, Carrie L said…

Hi diane I hope you are doing ok. thanks for the advice about the compassionate friends I will give it a try. There is nothing this sad in the whole world. you have seemed to get therapy and try to help this unending pain. I don't want it to go away. I would like to fix it and my mind works on it all the time. but it is not good. acceptance would be good but my mind doesn't want that either. talking to moms seems important and i am thankful for this site. Carrie L

At 7:53am on December 9, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…
You are right. I think my husband tries to be strong because he sees me so helpless. But like you I can feel stronger and comfort him when he is having a bad time. I think he is probably very frustrated that he hasn't been able to make me better after 11 months.
JoAnn
At 11:21am on December 8, 2010, Carrie L said…
Hi Diane thanks for writing. i will go to compassionate friends. perhaps i will make some friends. this issad.... but i don't expect it to change my whole life didn't evolve around my kids they were are fiercly independent... perhaps if i had smothered him in love this wouldn't have happened. it is horrible. and i think about it constantly... take care carrie L
At 7:57am on December 8, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…
Hi Diane - one day when my husband came home from work I was crying and looked up at him and said - you aren't trying hard enough. If we both pray hard we can get him back. He looked at me as if to say, you poor dumb thing. It was a mixture of pity, amazement, sorrow. The only thing that helps me to accept that we are grieving differently is knowing that he is the only one in the world besides myself suffering the same loss. I found other avenues of support for myself, because I finally came to the realization he couldn't give it to me.
JoAnn
Always Tyler's Mom
At 12:27pm on December 6, 2010, Carrie L said…
Diane. i feel like you do. first and last thing on my mind... thing sounds funny. thought is better. I wish it were different. i can't imagine anything being so horrible. I feel the same way you do.. ball up with tears constantly. people on tv remind me of him when i went to the car show everyone reminds me of him and what i don't have... i am so sorry there is nothing we can do. except keep waking up making the best out of our day and being consumed by this saddness..... love to you... i am thinking of going to compassionate friends.. see what it is like. carrie L
At 8:10am on December 6, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…
Hi Diane - thank you for such a beautiful response. You said everything I think and feel every day. I used to think that after one year I would be better, now I realize that I will never be better. Different, but never better. I spent a good part of this year thinking that if I prayed hard enough I could bring him back. I told my husband and he just looked at me. Not only does he have to suffer losing a son, but looks on at a wife who he cannot help.

Tyler was a great person, lots of wonderful friends, a beautiful girlfriend, loving parents. I could never imagine he would not be here with us. We will not see him marry, have children, start on a career. So sad.

Please keep in touch.
JoAnn
Always Tyler's Mom
At 11:32am on December 5, 2010, Carrie L said…
Hi diane thanks for writing. I didn't profile or add pictures . My son probably wouldn't like that. he would wonder what was wrong with me. so I didn't He was at the prime of his life. Free Caring. He was nearly 24. And I wish it were me not him. as I guess all us mothers do. Today I haven't broken down again. But I imagine if the tv comes on or anything of the sort I will sigh and break down. It is so irreversable. so permanent. I really don't like it as we all don't... I don't think I will ever be the same. I know I won't... Life without him is like life without future. He had so much to give. I don't understand the hows and whys are always there and its been 9 months people say well you can't change it. and I know i can't and that brings tears..... so much love. I will always keep him close.. wish it weren't true but it is .. love to you and hope we can find a way without them. i know it is difficult.. Carrie L
At 2:33pm on December 3, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…
Hi Diane - it has been a little over 10 months since I lost my son, Tyler, my only child at age 24. I am anxious to hear from someone who is farther out on this trail of tears that we all walk. I know I will never forget my son, never stop missing him, never stop wishing he was still here. But does the pain EVER lessen?
At 8:52am on December 3, 2010, Carrie L said…
Hi diane just looking to connect with someone who is as sad as I everyone seems to take it a little different the thing is it is mom who detached with the umbilical cord and mom who nursed. and mom who loved so dearly.. so moms are the ones i feel know what i feel.. carrie L
At 11:48pm on November 29, 2010, JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 said…
I couldnt get back to reply. Guess I figured it out, I am here. I put it up on my blog or my page. I think its viewable by others. And I agree, the smiles they both have, could light up a room. I think I will always wonder even after reading books, watching youtube religious videos, and all the posts here, why all this happens to such wonderful people. And as happy as they are, why aren't we? Or is that the ultimate thing in life, to die? I am not one to try to figure out the bible, but I have read it's all in there. So until we meet again, we must do what we must do. Wait!!!!
thanks for your replies. hugs to all
At 11:10pm on November 29, 2010, JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 said…
continued: I forgot word limits
Today my son and my husband went hunting for deer, someting she did with her dad since she got her license. She finally got her first deer in 2007. So he now lays her outfit out in her old room to remember that special time. And low and behold, my son got a 7 pointer. He was posted where she would have posted. I am not into being as happy as I should. Plus I wasnt feeling well. I used to go with her and we would get so silly instead of hunting. I cried in bed last night remembering those times.
Also, 2008 season, me and my hubby were out behind our home where we used to hunt with her, (and we cried doing it) and just as I was coming home, I heard something. I went back right after turning off our walkie talkies. I called my hubby on the phone instead and told him what I heard moving up the hill. Next thing I hear, kaboom. well, he had turkeys flying out of trees, which I didnt know they did that. Anyway, he got a nice buck and we believe she helped us to "poop and snoop" as he called it. 2009, last yr, my son also got one just like this year.
So, this is just one of those times when we will never forget our children. I do feel as time goes on, that I will forget and that scares me. But I see after 5 yrs, you say we wont!!! I am going to post the pic of her and her dad and her deer on my page.
Oct 28th, I think I told you is my older sisters bday.
Well, prayers of comfort to you and all here.
At 11:10pm on November 29, 2010, JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 said…
Hi Diane, my family is the best for helping me in not forgetting. They have more trinkets on her grave than we do. They have gotten us xmas ornaments, laser cut glass thingys of her that light up. Windchimes, flowers, keychains and any little thing with her or her pic on it. We dont cry as much together as we once did. AS for close friends, I really have to say I dont have any. You guys here have become my penpals/friends. Most of the ones I did have moved out of the park I live in. Their children grew up with Amy and most remember her when she was little. I only connect with them on facebook. That is good too, but not the same. But thats ok with me. A few have made comments that we all hear about what we all talk about here, and that is, "We should be over it"! Or they dont know what to say. I just say that back to them and then tell them, NO I will not get over it and not move on like most ppl think we should. I wish they all could come to this site and read how we stick together and only we know the feelings or the emptiness in our hearts.
Today my son and my husband went hunting for deer, someting she did with her dad since she got her license. She finally got her first deer in 2007. So he now lays her outfit out in her old room to remember that special time. And low and behold, my son got a 7 pointer. He was posted where she would have posted. I am not into being as happy as I should. Plus I wasnt feeling well. I used to go with her and we would get so silly instead of hunting. I cried in bed last night remembering those times.
Also, 2008 season, me and my hubby were out behind our home where we used to hunt with her, (and we cried doing it) and just as I was coming home, I heard something. I went back right after turning off our walkie talkies. I called my hubby on the phone instead and told him what I heard moving up the hill. Next thing I hear, kaboom. well, he had turkeys flying out of trees, which I didnt know they did that. Anyway, he got a nice buck
At 7:40pm on November 25, 2010, myra delgado said…

you so funny baby
At 7:39pm on November 25, 2010, myra delgado said…
i stood all day in bed and is ok,,i miss my son and a stupid meal is not gonna make me feel better..is ok..i miss him with my life,,

At 1:40am on November 25, 2010, JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 said…
Diane, and Rhonda, First, I am sorry to hear of your losses. I too just want to get through this day without trying to be happy. I am not happy. Rhonda, we had to try to celebrate our first Thanksgiving within 2 mnths, and a 10mth old grandbaby that my Amy adored. She would have been a great aunt. Rhonda, don't let anyone make you do what you don't want to do.
I don't remember how I got thru. it was at my sons house. I think numbness had set in. Very small family.
I am tired of being invited, and hearing it will be good for me, get out, get away! It makes me sad to know she is not there for the 3rd one. I just want to sleep all day and have it be Friday. My husband hasn't said much, and he may stop over my son's to get his wings and legs. I made a small breast already on tues. we will eat it when we fell like it. He is getting ready for hunting season, monday, something he did with Amy and I dont know how he does it. I get into arguments with him about all knids of things lately, I have been very moody and I dont know how he puts up with me at times. He works, I dont. Maybe I just have too much time to think, but I can't get her out of my head, and I don't want to. I don't want to pretend it's ok, cause it's not!!!! I am also still mad at her for not being here!!!
Well, God bless all,
thanks for letting me vent also
"missing my "angel amy" 5/15/87-9/15/08
At 11:05pm on November 24, 2010, Ronda Johnston said…
Hello Diane, My name is Ronda and I just read your post, I so agree with you so much about the holidays, Let me say first how very sorry I am to hear about the loss of your son. I lost my son too, 5 months ago and I do not want to celebrate anything!!!!! I know everyone of us are feeling the same way. Please if you ever want to talk I'm here..... I hope you try to have a nice day tomorrow as I will try also, Talk to you soon. God Bless You. Ronda

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