Barbara Maier's Comments

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At 7:11am on June 27, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Thanks Barb, I am trying very hard to feel better, my sister is worried because she says that my health is being affected & knows that Pablo would not want me get sick, I hear everybody but I can't control how I feel, I like the fact that I don't have to explain my feelings to you or Marie or Terry because we are all on the same page, the wedding is in 2 weeks & this weekend will be a very busy weekend, maybe it will keep me occupied so I am not thinking so much, I like when I am sleeping because I am not thinking.

How long are you going to be in Florida? I didn't know you husband passed over there, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to be in the house without him, but I do know what u are feeling, so sad that we had to meet under such terrible circumstances but I am glad I met you & Marie & Terry here, I guess we need to keep plugging, one day at a time.

Hope it gets better for both of us.

Hugs,

Elvira

At 8:47am on June 23, 2014, Marie said…

Hi Barb,

Just checking in to see how you are doing.  Hope you had a nice weekend or at least a calm one.

Marie

At 5:22pm on June 21, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Barb, what can I say, I hear you, I understand you & I really feel the same way as you, today was another tough day, went out with sister & oldest son to check out venues for the baby shower in October, it's just that everything I do without him for me is a killer, I just think of how happy he would be right now with my youngest son's wedding coming up in 3 weeks & with the arrival of our first grandchild, the days get tougher, my sister & I picked up our dresses for the wedding yesterday & he wasn't there to tell me how I looked, every little detail is getting tougher for me, I have cried a lot today & feel this horrible sadness, nothing will ever be the same again, thanks for responding, hope we all can start to feel al little better, that is my wish everyday but it's not happening.

Many hugs,

Elvira

At 9:14pm on June 19, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Hi Barb, haven't heard from you in a few days, you are probably very busy getting things done, not even going to talk about my feelings because there has been no change, the crying never stops for me, today had to attend a wake at the same place where my parents and my husband were waked, very hard to do but did it, wish I could say that my days were getting just slightly better but they are not, hope you been busy keeps your mind from thinking too much, please check in & let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Elvira

At 9:16pm on June 16, 2014, Marie said…

I know Barbara.  Everyday we miss them and like you said we can only hope that in time it will get better and we will have all the wonderful memories they left behind. I thank God for giving me John for 39 years and sharing my life with him.  Hugs Marie

At 6:43pm on June 16, 2014, Marie said…

Hi Barb,  Hope you survived Fathers Day without to many tears. I don't know why I would ask you that considering I cried for two days straight as I'm sure you did too. I'm always thinking about you and how you're doing.  Sending you hugs and prayers to help you get through this.

Marie

At 2:26pm on June 16, 2014, Lori laderas said…
I wish I can meet u but I can't motivate myself to move on
I go to work for 6 hours and I hurry home so I can b in my dark home in kissimme...
I haven't been back to my house in St. Cloud since the tragedy happen
I have no closure @ all ...I'm still in denial ...I have no pictures of them in my house but I took half of the ashes put in the vault and here in my house
I don't know what to do I'm lost and antidepressant pills makes me forget a lot of things I have to take trazadone so I can sleep I take 3mg a day of Xanax and still depress and cry everyday ..I can't stop crying ..
At 4:15am on June 14, 2014, Lori laderas said…
Thank u for ur response
I have no idea how to use the site yet
Ur from Melbourne ,,,u probably hear it on the news about my husband and son found dead in my house,,,it happened last aug 6 of 2012,,,
At 9:16pm on June 11, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Hope you have a safe trip Barb, how long are u staying in Florida? what can I say, today was another really bad day, don't understand why I seem to be getting worse, seems to be the story of my life & yours & Marie's, this weekend will be very hard for all of us, I pray God gives us all strength.

Stay safe,

Elvira

At 7:20am on June 11, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Thanks for your support Barb, not looking forward to the weekend with Father's day coming, I don't know but for me it seems to be getting harder rather than easier, the more time passes the more I miss him, it's hard to describe but anything & everything reminds me of him & all we did together, I sure hope it eases up a bit, have a safe trip, keep in touch, I know it will be very hard for you.

Hugs,

Elvira

At 9:10pm on June 9, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Hi Barb, I assume you are already in Florida, NOT good day, it's 4 months today since my hubby passed & to top it all off, I had my 1st fitting for the gown for the wedding, miss him so much being there to give me his opinions, he always loved what I wore anyway, his comments were always very positive, even my youngest son had a bad day today, he saw the last t-shirt his dad had on the day he died & he lost it, so hard not to be able to comfort him because I was crying just as bad as he was, it will be very difficult in this wedding, I was given anti depressive medication on Friday, hopefully it will kick in by wedding time, need to be better as to not ruin the wedding with so much crying, hope u are just a little better.

Hugs,

Elvira

At 8:03am on June 7, 2014, Marie said…

Barb, It seems as though the grieving process goes through steps along the way to healing.  I know how you’re feeling right now.  I was there around December and January.  Thought I couldn’t go on anymore.  It was bad, my children were worried about me but I fought through it by reaching out to everyone I knew that might be able to help me get through it.  The people we think don’t care sometimes will surprise us.  They just need a little motivation.  Will they ever understand what we are going through?   No, not until they go through this as well.  I’m at a stage where I’m just numb and have sorrow following me day in and day out.  I don’t even know how to explain it anymore.  It’s like I’m crying silently inside so no one can see.  I miss my husband so much. Just like all of us on this site do.  Life as we knew it is gone forever and that’s a frightening thing to think about.  I still have all this resentment towards couples when I see them on the street and the fact that they have each other and are happy.  Will that ever go away?  Stay strong and most importantly take care of yourself.  Manage your stress even with medication so it doesn’t affect your health. 

Hugs and prayers go out to you

Marie

At 8:06am on June 6, 2014, Marie said…

Hi Barb,  Hope you had a better nights sleep than the last one.  Sometimes we need to take the Xanax for a few days to feel better. I don't sleep much either.  We should exchange cell numbers and we can text each other.  I hear you're going on vacation and I wanted to say have a great time.  Sometimes when we are away from home its easier not to think of what our lives are like now.  Enjoy and keep in touch.

Hugs

Marie

At 7:14am on June 5, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Thanks Barb, so glad like you said we can comfort each other, unless you are going thru the same thing, you will never understand, I have a friend that called me last night from Florida & she is a good person but sometimes not very sympathetic, she feels that if I can't overcome & I am having difficulty with coping, then I need professional help, I told her that no psychologist or psychiatrist will ever take away the sadness I am feeling right now, I know eventually we will come to terms with their loss but not right now, I miss him too much & I think the fact that she has never been married does not help her understand the grief of losing your soul mate & then again there are those people who are very strong & can move on faster than others, I told her, you don't understand I have been thru 5 family deaths in 5 years & now I am a nervous wreck because my son is a school psychologist & there is a threat at the school he work in for tomorrow, right now my nerves are shattered, always thinking & expecting oh my God, what's next?

I also have a birthday party for a 1 year old baby on Saturday & the thought of going without him, just makes me nauseous, I am not going alone, my oldest son, his wife & my sister are all invited but it's not the same, well enough rambling for today, hope you were able to sleep better last night, will see what the cardiologist says tomorrow.

And yes we must get together when you get back, haven't heard from Terry in awhile, has me concerned.

Hugs, talk soon.

Elvira

At 6:06pm on June 4, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Sorry didn't get to respond til today, has been really bad, I simply can't accept his death & I know I need to but I can't stop the crying & the questioning of why him, I keep repeating myself, I keep questioning God & don't know what to do, I go to work, I come home & every minute of everyday Pablo is on my mind, it will be 4 months on Monday & it's as if it was today, I can't sleep well & I pray to dream with him, hoping the dream would bring me some peace, a dream that tells me he is okay, it's so sad that for me the longer it goes, the worse I get, I hope this grief eases a little, at this point my sister & son feel it's affecting my health, I have an appointment with my cardiologist on Friday, maybe he can weigh in on my meds, they are not helping, maybe he can again order an anti depressant.

Today I went to see my mother n law, felt so sad for her, he was her only child, another thing I can't understand, why did she have to experience the death of her only son t 88 yrs old.

Enough of me & my venting, how are you doing?

I know u say u are leaving for Florida next week, how long are u going for? try to keep in touch while you are away.

Sending you many hugs,

Elvira

At 7:46am on June 2, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…
I hear ya Barb, these past few days have not been good, what am I saying? the past few weeks have been awful,
wish I could stop crying, I just can't, I am sad, angry, devastated, nothing seems to help me not even the meds, on the 9th it will 4 months since Pablo's death & still is as if it was yesterday, some days I sleep, other days I don't but even if I do, it's never straight thru the night, as the wedding gets closer I get more & more nervous just thinking how am going to make it thru, the other night we had to choose the song I will be dancing with my son & it was so hard, I practically cried all night, I don't come as often to the site because I feel everybody has their own sorrow, why keep talking about the same thing, I know that is not what this site is about, but since the people we know including family think we should be starting to bounce back, then I feel why burden further those on this site that are going thru the same thing, sorry, it's mt grief talking, just can't help to feel so devastated.
Hugs to you,
Elvira
At 10:13pm on May 27, 2014, Marie said…

Hi Barb,  I am so fortunate to have you and Elvira on this site. The circumstances of our finding each other are not what we would have chosen but still I am happy to have found you both. I feel a connection to the two of you that makes the grieving process a little easier to handle. Thank you for being there for me and allowing me to vent.

At 12:55pm on May 27, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Hi Barb, you are right, baby steps, but boy even those baby steps could be so hard, I am happy I got to go to work today, at least I am out of the house for awhile, tomorrow I am taking off because I have to work the next 2 Fridays, so need to get my hair done, because my husband would hate when it started to get white, he would say to me, isn't it time to get your hair colored? and just to bust his chops, I would say, I am letting my hair white & he would get mad & say, no you are not, so I am going tomorrow because I have a birthday party for a family 1 year old on June 7th & won't have the time at a later date, hope you are feeling a little better, will definitely go thru this horrible experience together, talk soon

Hugs,

Elvira

At 8:31pm on May 26, 2014, Marie said…

Barbara, my husband was also in Vietnam and came home like your husband.  Not wounded physically but mentally it took a toll on him for years.  As a family we worked through everything and were happy. 

At 7:49pm on May 26, 2014, Elvira Castellanos said…

Can't lie Barb, has been a really bad day, didn't spend with my kids because usually when my Pablo was here ,we would barbecue on Sunday & rest on Monday, yesterday went to the winery he loved so much & bought the wine he loved so much, went with my sis & my oldest son & his wife, another step without him, oh it was so hard not having him there next to me, to be totally honest, can't wait for tomorrow to come, spent crying just about all weekend, went to mausoleum today with my sister & cried some more, I know it had to be just as tough for you especially today, I pray it gets better for all of us, time not helping me any, we all need the strength to go on, there are days I feel I just don't want to go on, not without him, I would have wanted to go first, but I guess God had other plans, hate to go on & on because I feel like I am not helping you or anybody else since I can't offer any consolation.

Sending hugs & many prayers & my friendship always,

Elvira

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