kelly, sending prayers your way for peace today. birthdays as we all know, are very hard. i am approaching the 2nd anniversary of the loss of my only child dustin. there are many many days, i dont want to live without him. his father never was there for him (too busy drinking and running around on me) so it was just me and dusty. i am just dreading aug 28 - i know its only aug 4 but the dreadful feeling is so raw and harsh. hugs, valerie
Thanks Kelly for your kind words and praying for me, as I do for you and each and every parent that has lost a child , it's living hell , the pain gets worst as the days goes by. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with out my amazing son .
I read your comment to Gerry after I made my post. It helped to restore my thinking I to know He is at the thron, just like Caitlin, He was so blessed and so loved, kind, gentle, honest,loving. someone said to me during his cancer battle that god takes only the best so young I have to hold on to that. As we aproch our first DOPassing Feb 7th I am just lost at times.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Caitlin.
Thank you so much for responding to my post. You described perfectly how I'm feeling with my three boys, "plugging along". I'm just really thankful I have them, they do give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and give me something to focus on for awhile.
Thank you for your comment on experiencing both joy and pain. I know Im not the only person in the world experiencing what I am emotionally but sometimes it feels like I am. I still have to figure out what to do on Zac's birthday. I know Im going to lose it. As much as my family has seen me break, I dont think I'll ever be comfortable with it.
Thank you for your kind words but I still cannot see how anyone lives after something like this. My little girl sees me cry and asks "Mommy..you ok?" and waits until I say yes, but the truth is that I will never be okay. Nothing feels right. I stop by the cemetary everyday to talk to Sophia...I don't know that she's there but I feel like that's the least I can do for her. Her father never goes. We disagree about EVERYTHING nowadays. Last night I had a pile of pills in my hand and just sat there contemplating it for about ten minutes. The only thing I could think to stay was Adalynne. She would hate me forever. I don't know how people do it honestly. I have nightmares, hallucinations about dead babies in my bed, hearing babies cry....My therapist says its normal....Is it? I don't think that having your child die before a parent is in any way normal. I just feel like my life is pointless now. I wanted all kinds of things for myself, even just the beginning of this year. Now it all seems so stupid and trivial. Makeup? Nope, shower? somedays...running a marathon? not anymore.
Hi Kelly,I want to put you at ease you have a beautiful daughter that suffered a freak accident that you answered yourself,that still doesn't take away the pain and heartache but at death God does send an Angel to usher us into Glory as he did with Lazurus in luke 16:22they came and carried him into paradise as they did Caitlin so be of good cheer she's in good company.
Hi Kelly,as I read your post I see the same thing over in all of us as parents we somehow think we have the fortitude to stop even that which at our strongest we could have done nothing and that's exactly why we should come to the realization that God was in control.My daughter named an angel before she fell outand I'm100% sure Caitlin had one with her for God will not allow us to fight a battle like that alone and she's not angry with you for there is no anger in the realm of Angels where Caitlin now resides my friend.The Preacher
Hello Kelly I am so sorry for our losses and our beautiful pieces of our souls. i have horses and know of their tremendous dangers. but they are beautiful creatures not any where comparable to our beautiful children. I think I haven't ridden for some time often for fear of being hurt. I know you must have an aweful feeling towards them as I do for how my son died. Death of our children is the most horrible consequence we can ever go through. she is a beautiful girl and all the photos of my son look like he was having the time of his life. i think he made the best of all his years here. happiness was in his agenda and risk taking. love to you and your family and our beautiful children carrie L
So sorry it took me so long to get back to you. These have just been really hard days (for us all I know). Chad's birthday was the day before Thanksgiving, and I don't know, these holidays. I am so sorry you lost your baby. As a horseback rider myself, I can't understand it the way you described it to me, except maybe the horse was just so tall. I have loved horses all my life and owned them in the past which we will now do again in an attempt to heal even just a little bit.
I regret my boy never saw that his mom could ride. He used to say "I'll help you build the barn". Now the barn is here and Chad is gone.
There aren't enough words that have been written to describe how much I love my son. I know all of us moms here (and dads) feel the same, but to each of us, as our child was unique to us, so is our pain unique to us.
Your daughter is beautiful. I am so sorry. There is nothing harder ... nothing. ... Chad's mom
kelly, i just read your recent post. you are right.. i feel as if i am dying a slow death due to the lost of my dusty 1 yr and 3 mos ago. i cannot do this the rest of my life. its too painful, ugly and horrifying. he was my only child. he was my everything. his dad wanting nothing to do with him...he and i were very close... i am on a downward spiral slowly.... hugs, valerie
Kelly, I'm glad I was able to make you smile, if only momentarily, as I'm sure smiling has become a task. I left this site the other day with such a heavy heart coupled with a box of kleenex. Your daughter was beautiful and I'm sure she departed this earth knowing how much you loved her. And I'm sure she would be immensely proud knowing mom is a survivor. I have been truly touched, not just by the posts, but also by the support you show one another. I hope that everyone here is able to start picking up the pieces as a result of the support received here. I have a friend who loss her firstborn only daughter 18 years ago. Unfortunately, as you know, it's still a struggle for her. I am going to direct her to the site. Hopefully, she takes advantage of the support offered here. I feel like i'm intruding somewhere I do not belong. Therefore, I won't be visiting the site anymore. However, I depart wishing everyone better days ahead.
I am so sorry for your loss. Tomorrow will mark my son's 22 Birthday if he was alive. He died of a pulmonary embolis caused by a blood clot in his right leg on September 20, 2008. This weekend I lost it and cried so much and the tears are still flowing. The pain seems to just come upon me and wont let go. No one knows the pain of loosing a child unless it happens to them.
Jason's mother Becky