Hi Pam, Thank you for writting to me, I know what you mean about the hole in your heart, It feels so empty... I too get angry, I dont get angry with God, I get angry with everyone else, especially the police, and the CHP... I have a hard time forgiving the police for not letting me go to my Son and the CHP because the report is done so badly, 10 pictures from a fatal accident and they were so dark at that, I might file a grievance, I just dont know what Im doing yet. Do you have a memorial site for Justin? If you do I would love to go look at it.
I am praying for all mothers. It's something none of us will ever let go of, is our children, it's so hard. I sometimes, like tonight, feel so empty hearted in Matthews absents. my prayers are with you,
HI PAM, HOW ARE YOU DOING? I JUST REALIZED THAT MOST OF THE MOMS, I'VE CONTACTED ARE JUST
NEW. YOU ALL HAVE JUST LOST YOUR CHILD. I AM SO SORRY. IT WILL BE 2 YEARS IN JANUARY THAT
RICH IS GONE. I GUESS TIME DOESN'T MATTER, ONLY GOD WILL HELP US GET THROUGH THIS. I FEEL THIS PAST WEEK THAT THE LORD HAS BEEN
MAKING ME STRONGER. I HAVEN'T CRIED. I SMILE MORE WHEN I LOOK AT RICH'S PICTURES, THOSE EYES OF HIS SAY "MOM IT'LL BE OK, DON'T CRY"
WHEN I WAS AT THE POINT YOU AND TAMI ARE I
NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT
TO WRITE ON THIS SITE. I WAS SO MESSED UP, COULDN'T THINK OR MAKE A DECISION IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. THANK GOD MY HUSBAND,(NOT RICH'S DAD) IS SO PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING, IT FELT LIKE I WAS LOSING MY MIND. THEN I GOT NEWS, MY SISTER'S YOUNGEST SON, DIED, IT WILL BE A YEAR
10/23, AND OF COURSE THAT WASNT ALL, I WAS STILL TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER WHO WAS 93, SHE DIED NOV. 18 2008. I'M NOW AFTER THESE YEARS JUST STARTING TO FOCUS ON OUR LORD AND HIS HELP. GOD BE WITH YOU,
Oh Pam, I am so sorry, I have only been going through this for 3 1/2 months, but I feel what you are feeling, sometimes I will be OK, then the tears just start, then they will stop on a dime and I will feel a little better for letting it out, I wish we all lived close together, Like I said there should be a town where Mothers and Fathers that have lost a Child can live together, we could cry in public and nobody would judge us, we could all help eachother because we would have all been going through the same loss, I wish I could hold you, I know that sounds strange but there are times I just want to be held and be able to cry cry cry, without someone saying "Its OK" because it isnt OK, or they say "I know" no, they dont know.... Just remember we are all here for you. My Sons 19th birthday is on November 2 and this will be a little over four months since he has been gone... I dont know what to do, i want to do something special for him, I let off Balloons every month, so that wont do, I might make a cake and let anyone come in my house and have a piece... I hope that you can find a little peace, I know I cant wait until I do. Oh and I wish I drove, I would be down at the water every day... I have to depend on every one to drive me around, i have panic attacks so I cant drive! (((( LOVE TO YOU ))))
DEAREST PAM, THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL OF US ARE GOING THROUGH. I THINK ABOUT EVERYONE THAT HAS TO GO THROUGH THIS PAIN ESPICALLY ON THE ANNIVERSERY OF OUR KIDS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FOLLOWUP ON THESE E-MAILS BUT I FORGET WHO I SAID WHAT TO. MY MIND SEEMS TO BE PLAYING GAMES WITH ME. SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE GOD CAN TAKE ME ANYTIME, I'M READY. THEN I REMEMBER THE PROMISE I MADE TO RICHARD, THAT I WOULD TAKE CARE OF HIS GIRLS(TWO DOGS) PLUS MY OWN. I LOVE THEM AND NEED TO BE HERE FOR THAT PROMISE. OF COURSE SO DOES MY HUSBAND!!
I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYDAY I GET ON LINE THE NUMBERS KEEP GOING UP WITH NEW MOMS GRIEVING. I WISH WE COULD ALL GET TOGETHER AND JUST HOLD AND CRY TOGETHER. GOD BE WITH YOU AND EVERYONE. SOMEDAY THE LORD WILL GRANT US OUR PEACE. LOVE JANIE
DEAREST GAIL, MY HEART IS HURTING FOR YOU I KNOW YOUR PAIN,THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT,MY SON PASSED OCT.3,08 IT HAS BEEN A YEAR AND STILL SO HARD,NOW YOUR JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTION SOME OF THE FIRST THINGS I DONT EVEN REMEMBER, I STILL FEEL LIKE MY BABY WHO WAS 31 SHOULD BE HERE. WE JUST HAVE TOO TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME,AS HARD AS IT IS. MY HEART AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. JUSTINS MOM PAM
I DONT KNOW IF I'M DOING THIS RIGHT I'M NOT GETTING VERY MANY RESPONCES, I JUST WANT EVERY ONE TOO KNOW MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH ALL OF US THAT HAS LOSS A CHILD,KNOW ONE ELSE UNDERSTAND. JUSTINS MOM PAM
Hi Pam, I'm sorry I haven't written back to you. Thank you for being concerned. I guess thats what us mom's do best, worry about everyone else. Yes I have been going through some depression. I just can't seem to get past this. I guess I or none of us ever will. Its Gods plan that we have to trust. We still have a reason to be on this earth, I'm trying to figure out what mine is. I love everyone around me, I just don't care about anything anymore. Nothing is the same and never will be, It's like I'm in space, I don't know or care about anything anymore. Except all I can think of is that I have to take care of Richard's girls (dogs) I love them with my whole heart, they were his. One is 10 yrs. the other was just 7 months when he died. Maybe that's what my purpose on this earth is. Thankyou again for writing. I look forward to hear back from you.
Hi Pam, I wanted to see if you would feel comfortable writing your feelings for eveyone to read on here, I think that we can all help eachother, the good the bad and the ugly, that is the only way I know how to put it, we are the only ones that knw what it feels like to lose a child, nothing compares.
HI THIS IS PAM,WELL ON OCT.3,O9 WILL BE A WHOLE YEAR SINCE MY SON PASSED,OH HOW IT FEELS FOREVER,BUT YESTERDAY. I MISS HIM SO MUCH,I JUST WNTED TO TALK TO HIM,BUT I JUST WENT TO THE CEMEATERY AND MADE SURE HIS PLACE STILL LOOKED GOOD AND LET GO SOME BALLONS FOR HIM AND MY MOM SHE PASSED 4 MONTHS BEFORE JUSTIN. I GUESS US MOMS HAVE TO DO WHAT WE HAVE TOO,TO MAKE IT THROUGH. ON THE SECOND I'M TAKING HIS TWINS AND HIS OTHER TWO CHILDREN TO GALVESTON,TEXAS HE ALWAYS WENT THERE AND LOVED IT, SO WERE GOING TOO LET MORE BALLONS GO, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME,THERS ALWAYS THAT EMPTY SEAT,IT WAS HIS BROTHERS 21st BIRHTDAY OH HOW HE WOULD OF BEEN SO HAPPY,BUT HE WAS THERE IN OUR HEARTS, NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US,WE HAVE THEM IN OUR HEART UNTIL WERE OUR BABYS AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS 31 HE WILL ALWAYS BE MY BABY. WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP GOING ON DAY BY DAY AS HARD HAS IT IS,UNTIL WERE TOGETHER AGAIN. TAKE CARE JUSTINS MOM PAM
Pam,How are you.So often when I go to my page I always read the poem you left.I love it.I'm sure you feel a sinking feeling the holidays are fast apporching and I feel like I'm sinking.Going threw the motions and don't feel I'm doing very good at that.
Sometimes I just need an outlet and don't have one. Thanks for being there. You do know where I am coming from and can relate. I have been thru the loss of my grandmother, who raised me, my father and my only sibling. I grieved and managed to accept their deaths as part of the natural cycle of life. I am a very scientific person in my thinking as I am an RN but this loss of my daughter so young has turned everything I thought I knew upside down. Nothing seems right and all seems wrong, strange. I hate it when someone tells me "to get over it" or that "time will heal". I will never get over losing Brandi nor shall I ever heal with time. The only thing time does is go by. I have learned to cope on a day by day basis but the pain is still intense and daily. I do think of her and laugh and enjoy my memories. She gave me many, many wonderful one, 19 years worth. I however wanted a lifetime and feel cheated out of that. I do NOT like being so angry or feeling the way I do toward God. It goes against everything that I was taught as a child. I again thank you for letting me vent. Seems to help a good bit.
That's exactly how I feel too. I have live the past 4 years one day at a time. Brandi was 19 and my first born and the sun in my sunshine. I was a single parent with her for 7 years and we were very close. I am blessed to have another daughter, Amanda, 15 now. She is still grieving too and has been deeply affected. I don't think any of us realized how much Brandi meant to us until she was suddenly gone. The pain is so consuming at times that it prevents you from enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in your life. I try so hard to get over my anger but it is the part I can't seem to get past. I grew up in a religious home and was taught the right ways. I am not able to practice my faith as I used to because I am angry at God for taking Brandi away. I know that she is in heaven and that is where we all want to be. I worry my anger will never subside and I won't make it to heaven and get to see her again. So I feel at loss going forward. Thanks for listening to my feelings. No one really wants to hear them any more and I guess we all need someone to talk with. It hurts my mother when I talk to her of these things as she just concentrates on me losing my faith and worries about that. Have a great day!
Hi Pam, It was nice to hear from you last night. I'm very sorry for you loss. I guess I said that but I truely mean it. As I said I lost my son Rich, Jan. 9 2008. he was 32,
My mother was in a nursing home at that time. I was taking care of her when she lived with us for 8 yrs. and at the sam time taking care of Rich who lived 2 hours away. Well in October of 2008 my sister's youngest son who was 42, died. My oldest son found him in the bath tub. He was also disabled with a spinal injury, like Rich.
One month later in November of 2008 we lost our mother.
I do have people to talk to and try to understand what we're going thru. But as each of us moms feel, These are our babies, our sons, yes we feel the pain for each other and will be here when each of us needs to talk but the pain is in each of our hearts, part of us are gone with our kids. We will never be the same again. I've been reading anything relating to the death of a child. It has helped me understand some things. You not only have yourself to heal, but your son's children. God will be with you and the little ones. Just have faith and trust in Him. He is the only one to get us thru this pain.
I sent larry balloons as well. It did make me feel good on his birthday.Just watching them float so high up there was beautiful and I will continue to do that each and every holiday.Do you mind if I ask where you live ?I am in Florida.I really appreciate talking to you.It's nice to have someone who understands...
Thank you for sharing with me.It's so hard to talk to someone about my feelings if they haven't been through this.They have no Idea.I have 3 daughters as well and you'd think they would be my rock now but,their not actually we have grown apart since larry's death.My oldest daughter on larry's birthday and anniversary throws parties with larry's friend and they drink and carry on.My daughter said she does it because that's who larry was.It hurts me so much and I would never go because alcohol is what contributed to larry's death.I told them larry is in Heaven and he's not drinking and partying he is watching everyone and hoping they don't make the same mistake he did.Why don't they understand ??
It's killing me inside everyday I hate knowing I will live with this Broken Heart and emptiness for the rest of my life.
Hi Pam, my name is Janie, I'm sorry for your pain. I know what you are feeling. I lost my son Jan. 9 2008.
The roller coaster ride never seems to stop. I thought I was getting a little stronger and moving on, then I fell off the coaster again. My son's name is Rich, he was 32.
I do miss so much, however, I'm having a problem remembering the good times. I still see him in the hospital and dying in the hospice. I thank God He let me be at Richard's side when He took Rich home. If you feel
the need to talk e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope to hear from you soon, We are all in Gods special
club for moms. Janie