Carol Kunnerup
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At 9:25am on September 10, 2011, Connie Citrola said…

Dear Carol, I haven't been here in a while either.  I am more involved with another site called Daily Strength with a subdivision of For Mom's Only..I used to be more active in it but lately I just read the other journals.  Last summer, I crashed and hit rock bottom...I just couldn't function anymore.  Therapist suggested antidepressants and I did try them...They have helped somewhat and I am still on them...I still feel sad but I am not so weepy anymore.

 

Your words are my words...I feel that way about Penny..I don't know how to help her when I can't even help myself.  Penny and I always had trouble communicating and now it is worse.  We both are still trying because it is something we both want...Melissa was our mediator and go-between....It's gong on 3 years this November 23rd....The physical pain I felt in my heart is gone but the emotional pain will never leave, I'm sure of that!!!!

 

Now Penny and her husband are moving from Montana to Kazekhstan for 3 years...He got a teaching job at the new University there teaching Chemical Engineering.  So our job of trying to get closer will take a little more time I think.  My best wishes to you on your journey...((HUGS)), Connie

At 6:44am on September 14, 2010, Ellen Gerst said…
Carol, I am very sorry for your loss. You asked about what to do with your daughter's clothing. I think the same principles apply that I talked about in the video. If you are not ready to get rid of your daughter's things yet, pack them away until that time comes. Other options for some of the items -- as you mentioned, perhaps your younger children and/or friends would like some of them; you could donate items to the less fortunate (spread her sunshine to those who don't have a lot of sunshine in their lives); you could make a collage of some sort with remembrances of special days of her life (birthdays, school awards) -- frame this in some sort of shadow box; or have a purse made from her favorite piece of clothing and this way you carry a little piece of her around with you every day (look at my website at http://www.LNGerst.com under News and Resources --at the bottom on the right hand side are two pictures of purses made from clothing of a lost loved one). The person who makes the quilts that I mentioned in the article is amazing too. One of the quilts I saw actually had an entire tee shirt sewn in and you could wear the quilt around you. Hope this helps, Ellen
At 9:36am on April 25, 2010, Carrie L said…
Carol. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your story made me cry and your words are mine I want him back that is all I want ... Forever that is not going to change. I am having crying and visions and sadness. Love to yOU CarrieL
At 2:13pm on February 21, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Carol, I want the same things you do. We want our lives to go back to they way they were. But unfortunately, our lives have changed forever. We have to learn how to cope with our new lives. Some days I just want to roll up in a ball and die. We feel that we died along with our daughters but have to push on with this thing called life. How many times did I wish I had died instead of her?? Many!! Melissa and I got along so well-I forgot we were mother and daughter-we were more like friends and we respected each other too. She was so easy to deal with even as a child-never went through her terrible two's. We even looked alike. I had a hairdresser come to my house to cut my hair when I broke my ankle and she asked if Melissa's wedding picture was me!!! This was after Melissa died and it was so hard to deal with...Yes, sometimes I can talk about her with no tears (what you described as being on the 3rd floor) and others times I can't without crying. There is no rhyme or reason but I did notice that if it was with someone who was close with Melissa, I tend to lose it and start crying. So you have a daughter and grandson in Montana?? How did she move so far from Denmark. I know it seems far for me. I live on Long Island in New York. I can't even imagine how far away you feel from your daughter..Melissa died in Nov. 2008 and I have noticed I am doing better than I did in the beginning. Yes, I still cry everyday and I do go to counseling but my psychic experiences did help me to know she is ok now. She is out of her pain and suffering. Her personality is exactly the same and she is with my parents, only sibling (sister) and all my other relatives. I know she is ok. I noticed that I cry less and less at the therapists office too. In the beginning it was at least 5 tissues per session and now it's down to one. Yesterday I didn't need any!! So, I know it doesn't seem like it will every get better but it does in baby steps. It isn't a straight path either...Two steps ahead and 3 steps back sometimes. I hope you find it getting easier as time goes by and I am here whenever you need me. Warmest regards, Connie
At 2:17pm on February 19, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Carol-thanks for getting back to me. Hope you were able to kind of enjoy your vacation. I know how hard it is to be happy and even when I do smile and laugh I know it is what she would have wanted me to do but feel like I don't really want to be laughing. One day at the cemetery, I went with my niece and great niece (Melissa was my great niece's Godmother). My great niece has been through hell too. At almost 9 she lost her father to a car accident driven by an indiot who was doing 100 mph, that was in 2006. In less than a year, her Nana (my sister and only sibling) died from brain cancer and then in Nov. of 2008 her Godmother (my daughter) passed. When her father died, she asked my daughter, "Are you going to die soon?" and of course, my daughter said of course not, "I'll be here a long time for you." Needless to say 2 years later that was proven wrong. My great-niece is a terrific kid but she never mentions the loved ones who have died. I guess it's her coping mechanism....Hope to "talk" to you soon, it really helps.
At 11:52am on February 16, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Carol, I'm sure we will never be the same as we were, how could we? I am not very religious but I do believe in God. I really don't blame him. It is part of life and unfortunately, we don't expect to outlive our children and were unfortunate enough to have our children taken from us. I've never been in the anger stage only extreme sadness from the day she died in Nov. 2008. I don't think that sadness will ever leave me. Regards, Connie
At 5:56pm on February 14, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Hi Carol-It's getting closer to her birthday and gets harder to deal with. Two weeks before she died I had a psychic experience. My parents and only sister have passed on and I was having a dream about them when all of a sudden I felt this warm hand on my shoulder and the most peaceful feeling I have ever felt (it was so intense). When I mentioned this to Melissa, she said it was probably my mother because we were so close. I accepted that. After Melissa died, my friend said that was my deceased loved ones preparing me for Melissa's death and to let me know they would take care of her. Then I went to a psychic at my niece's house and she confirmed that was my mother and sister preparing me. Melissa came right through and hogged the first 45 minutes. It was a 2 hour session. She would also jump back and forth for the entire 2 hours. The psychic made a joke of it. The psychic said that Melissa made her smile with her bubbly personality. It was the most amazing thing!!! Have you had any kind of psychic experience???
At 2:04pm on February 13, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
I have to tell you about my physic experiences and I do believe in it. I was on the fence before but after going to them, I truly believe in it. It still hurts but I know Melissa and Mary are ok up there. Talk to you later-really have to run. Take Care.
At 2:01pm on February 13, 2010, Connie Citrola said…
Dear Carol, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, we are now in a club which we never wanted to be a part in. I don't have much time right now as I have a 3:30 appt. with my therapist. Her name is Peggy and she is a great therapist but I don't know if the therapy is really working or that I am expecting too much which is probably the case. I will write to you again as we do have much in common. God Bless.....
At 5:00pm on May 11, 2009, Carol Kunnerup said…
I don't want to accept this loss. My daughter was in a motorcycle accident in August of 2007. The last day of her life on this earth was the 12. I am struggling so much right now. She was only 18 and she was the most fun, sweetest most energetic and exciting person I have ever known. I miss her so much I can hardly bear it. I am sad for her sister, who is every bit as sweet and every bit as amazing as her, as well as her brother who is charming and a daredevil like her. Who will teach them how to have fun? I used to be fun, but so much is gone with her gone. I am thankful for the beautiful family I have. I was thankful for the beautiful family I had. I don't know how to make this work. I feel so broken....
I get through most days. I have never been unable to get out of bed or take care of the most basic tasks of being a student or homemaker. Yet I feel i am existing on such a low level of functioning. I feel like a shadow of who I once was, and how could I not be. I am just not sure how to reconcile this. I don't believe there is a way. I want to gather all friends and family together and march right up to God, look him in the eye and show him a picture of my girl, have everyone give him the evil eye and tell him he has made one heck of a mistake and he needs to fix it NOW. Right now. there can be no way in the world this could be right. there are so many awful people in this world who try to make it ugly and hurt others, Rae was not like that, she was my sun shiny girl. she sparkled. He took her. It is so wrong. It is just wrong and I can't fix it. I can't fix it for my family, for my girl. I want her back right now. I just want her back.
 
 
 

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