Janice,

 The 4th year without my wife whom died at age 49, is going to be on May 31st as she passed away at our house on that date in 2007. Yes she had an autoimmune disorder (not HIV) but one that left her with unimaginable problems, including diabetes, and MS to name the major illnesses. I was the bread-winner and her caregiver so it hits me even harder that she passed on my watch. Five weeks prior to her passing I almost lost her to a bout of low blood sugar after she took her insulin. Most times when she would go into a low blood sugar condition even as low as 31 I was able to bring her out of it, but one night she just wouldn't come out. I finally called EMS and they were there in (what seemed an eternity, but was) just minutes and they pushed 2 doses of glucose I.V. but nothing, She was taking some pain pils so they then pushed an anti-opioid, but still nothing. I could hear the personson guiding them at the hospital getting frantic and saying "push another anti-opioid!", but the EMT knew better as my wife needed the medicines and if he withdrew her to fast then she could have gone into seizures.

She was transported almost lifeless and I sped behind the ambulance to the hospital, once there I thought for sure they could bring her out of it but they couldn't and didn't know why nor whether she was going to come out of it at all. I waited in the E.R. sometimes sleeping with my head against the gurney. They took her in for a brain scan but could not find any abnomalities over her already current de-mylination and had nothing left to do.

24 hours later she started to come out of it and 1 hour after that she just wanted to go home. So I had her 5 weeks after that and I think that God gave me a blessing by not letting her pass (fully) into his hand that night but instead I had her for 5 more weeks.

She passed away at home in her sleep 5 weeks later and I am still devastatedand it is still "surreal". God bless, Fred 

Janice,

 The 4th year without my wife whom died at age 49, is going to be on May 31st as she passed away at our house on that date in 2007. Yes she had an autoimmune disorder (not HIV) but one that left her with unimaginable problems, including diabetes, and MS to name the major illnesses. I was the bread-winner and her caregiver so it hits me even harder that she passed on my watch. Five weeks prior to her passing I almost lost her to a bout of low blood sugar after she took her insulin. Most times when she would go into a low blood sugar condition even as low as 31 I was able to bring her out of it, but one night she just wouldn't come out. I finally called EMS and they were there in (what seemed an eternity, but was) just minutes and they pushed 2 doses of glucose I.V. but nothing, She was taking some pain pils so they then pushed an anti-opioid, but still nothing. I could hear the personson guiding them at the hospital getting frantic and saying "push another anti-opioid!", but the EMT knew better as my wife needed the medicines and if he withdrew her to fast then she could have gone into seizures.

She was transported almost lifeless and I sped behind the ambulance to the hospital, once there I thought for sure they could bring her out of it but they couldn't and didn't know why nor whether she was going to come out of it at all. I waited in the E.R. sometimes sleeping with my head against the gurney. They took her in for a brain scan but could not find any abnomalities over her already current de-mylination and had nothing left to do.

24 hours later she started to come out of it and 1 hour after that she just wanted to go home. So I had her 5 weeks after that and I think that God gave me a blessing by not letting her pass (fully) into his hand that night but instead I had her for 5 more weeks.

She passed away at home in her sleep 5 weeks later and I am still devastatedand it is still "surreal". God bless, Fred 

Jan, My husband Frank died on June 18,2010, just a little over 5 months ago and I too have family and friends telling me to move on and everyday I wait for him to come home and then have panic attacks when he doesnt. I started with a counselor yesterday and as I was sitting there I was saying to myself, why am I here? SHe cant make it better! How does it get better? I have 3 kids...my baby is just 12 and it breaks my heart to see them hurt and I cant help them. Today I spent 3 hours at the cemetery decorating Franks grave for Christmas while my house still has halloween decorations up. Go figure...I am so lost and wish I could sleep right through to January. I was a basket case for Thanksgiving so Christmas and New Years should be alot of fun. I have to celebrate if only for my kids sake. If it wasnt for them I would want to lay down and be with Frank now. Thanks for listening. Renee

Glad to have a friend here, although I wish it was due to different reasons. This site has been helpful to me,at least I know what I am feeling is somewhat normal.

losing soul mate says it all . where in the hell to you go after that ????? tell you the truth i am not even sure my wife of 27 years was my soul mate but i can tell you one thing for sure and that is she was my best friend and only true love and i was loyal husband and she was loyal wife so i guess that's makes us soul mates even thought even i did not realize how much she loved me until after she was gone and i found some things in her personal stuff concerning the first days we met that she kept all these years and only after she was goge have i fully realized how mush we actually had in common . i was so dumb i actually though only i was the sentential fool of our relationship . little did i know . makes me miss her all that much more
all i can think of is i am alive and in good health and i best find a way to stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping others because that's the only salvation i can see for me because i am totally lost without my partner in wife my wonderful wife .

Janice,

My honey died January 9th, 2010. I feel the same way. And I am soooo sorry that you are hurting. Just letting you know that there is someone (me) out there hurting too, just like you. It's been very difficult for me. And wonder if I am going to be myself again. Everything you said I feel the same way. I do the same thing. And ask myself----- Is it going to get better? So you are not alone. I feel like I am in a nightmare too. Wish I can say something to make you feel better. Sorry I can't AT THIS TIME.

Janice, thank you. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in the world with these feelings and it helps to know that you (& others) understand. It's just so hard to imagine that my life has gone from pure joy to "going through the motions". I pray that God will bless you and give you strength and that perhaps both of us. . .one day. . .will understand the greater purpose of this hardship. Stay in touch. . I need friends because I feel soooooo alone in this world. jane.velarde@live.com

janice,it has been 2 years on dec 20 I lost my love my one and only love of 48 years .the pain never leaves nor will the memories,nights are the hardest and I lay my head on his pilow and remember all the wonderful things we did as one,i know you feel,I get upset when I see older couples together and still not able to get one night without crying myself to sleep but my daughter today just told me when i get upset seeing couples together that one day they too will walk in my shoes and how lucky to have loved and be loved for that long and to live eavh day to the fullest because the pain and greif I am going through is breaking her heart and she cannot watch me live lthis way and he is always with us as we both have so many wonderful dreams of him and to fill my heart with them and know I am not alone there are so many widows just trying to get through one more day,GOD BLESS YOU AND MAY HE EASE YOUR GREIF