Pat, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. It would take care of your pain that is for sure, but it would leave a big mess and a lot of pain for all of your friends and relatives to bare for the rest of their lives. I know, we lost our granddaughter Mikayla aged 17 to suicide. She shot herself in the head in her bedroom while her brother and cousins were in the living room next door. They thought she had dropped something and didn't go check on her for a while. Mikayla's dog, in the room with her started uncontrollably barking. So my grandson went to tell her to keep the dog quiet. Normally he would just bang on the door and tell her to make Brody stop barking but this time he opened the door and found her lying of the floor with a 22 bullet in her head.
I don't mean to be graffic, but you need to find a different place for the gun. Give it away, hide it, and for God's sake get a gun lock so it can't be used without taking off the lock. Many sheriff or police departments have gun locks for free. We give them away every year when the fair comes to town. Have you been to see your doctor about taking an anti-anxiety or an anti-depressant. These are not cure-alls as I have found out but they do deaden the pain slightly. I still cry everyday and the pain is still there and will probably never go away, but I am making it slowly day by day. God Bless you and give you comfort and peace. We love you and don't want to see you hurt yourself.
pat am sorry for all your pain.i dont know how you can beare the pain of your great loss of 2 children.no one should have such loss.one is bad enough.its at no surprise you feel the way you do.hugs hope you find some peace in life.