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  • David Heggi
  • Michael Smith
  • Sara Murphy
  • Anita Jeffery

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At 10:31am on March 12, 2016, Sara Murphy said…

Patti,  I was reading a comment you left for Anita.  I can totally understand you wanting those few days back prior to his death.  My husband also went into cardiac arrest while in one of the best hospitals in the country.  I was in his room when it happened and it happened so quickly and then he was gone.  The doctors were not expecting any such thing however like you, if I had known he was going to die I would have done many things differently.  I already mentioned I feel cheated out of a final goodbye because of how quickly it happened.  If I had known, I would have taken a leave from work and spent every day/night in the hospital with him.  We can't get that time back so now I just talk to him and remind him everyday that I still love him and to wait for me to join him.  I hope we're both able to find the peace and strength we need to get through life without our soulmates.


At 3:38pm on March 7, 2016, Anita Jeffery said…

I totally understand Patti.  It sounds like you did not expect your husband's death to happen?  I'm sorry, that's an awkward way to ask, had he been sick for some time?  I had the experience that no one ever wants, of hearing the doctor say, your husband is terminal, he might have a year, but that would be stretching it.  You experience a different type of grief, and then go into the caregiver mode...knowing you still have to deal with your loved ones death, and knowing that there are things you have to deal with and say before that happens.  Any way it happens is beyond what most of us think we can deal with.  As far as selling the house, I also felt I would do that.  However, my grief at first prevented me from dealing with it, and we had been in this house for 18 years.  Every single thing in it feels like a reminder, and I too understand how difficult that is.  We always chose all our furniture and pictures for our walls together.  We did tiling and built a deck, and numerous other DIY projects together.  However, after 14 months, I can say that I am comforted by most things about our home.  I may end up selling, but mainly because we created a beautiful, large backyard together, and I worry that it will be too much for me to manage.  Additionally, I live in snow country, and at 59, well shoveling snow is getting old.  I have also had the advice not to do anything about the house for at least a year.  I believe that because I feel my depression after my husband's death may have done me the favor of giving me time to really think about what is best to do.  In the meantime I have learned to do quite a few little fixes on my own, which has made me feel a little like I am capable of handling the house, and secondly, that my husband would be proud of me :-).   Everyone has different feelings of course, and we seem to be compelled to do whatever our minds and especially our hearts tell us to do.    Take care of yourself! 

At 3:09pm on March 7, 2016, Anita Jeffery said…

Hi Patti,  I sent you a friend request, which I hope you will accept.  I lost my husband to cancer on 12/28/14.  It still feels like yesterday much of the time, and after 14 months I still cry daily.  I bought a new bed 3 months after my husband passed away, and a new quilt, one I knew I would never have chosen for both of us.  I felt I needed to make the bed mine...I needed to accept that he was gone, and the bedroom was mine.  Since then, while I use both his old pillow and mine to sleep, it has become somewhat of a haven for me.  I feel that he's still with me when I'm there, and that I'm protected from everything in a place that we shared.  I know that he would approve.  I hope in time you find enough peace, and maybe comfort in being back in your bed.

Sending you comforting thoughts!


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