Russell Stevwing
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Loss of Sister before I was born

I lost a sister one year before I was born. She died during childbirth. I was the replacement baby but I was not a so my parents had another child 16 months later, my younger sister. I feel blessed to have been born at all and further blessed by having a younger. Not looking for help. I am at peace - finally. But if my journey may be of help to others I would love to share. I am 48.

Russell Stevwing's Blog

What is harder losing a loved one suddenly or over a period of terminal illness?

Posted on November 11, 2010 at 2:25pm 0 Comments

I have pondered over the years whether it is worse for the surviving family members to suffer the shock of a sudden or the declining family member that slips out of our embrace as they pass from life to ...I have experienced both. My brother died and I never saw him alive again after the sunny morning he left and never came back. My father-in-law whom I loved very deeply slipped away over a six month process that at first we thought was… Continue

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At 5:46am on December 14, 2010, Crystal said…

Did you get an email back from MOBS with questions to answer?  ... I don't remember being notified that you joined.   let me know :)

At 5:31am on November 15, 2010, Crystal said…
You should receive an email back from the group asking some questions-- make sure you reply to Dawn or Jessica-- not the automatic email address. It is nice to have guys involved-- I know my brothers are going through this completely different than me and my sister... same with my dad compared to mom. Actually, they are both quite quiet. It is hard.
At 9:03am on November 7, 2010, Regina Ann Logue said…
You know it :)
At 9:03am on November 7, 2010, Regina Ann Logue said…
You know it :)
At 9:46pm on November 6, 2010, Crystal said…
Hi Russell. I am glad you shared your story. I think a lot of Brothers don't fully grieve... kinda goes for dads too. I am part of a group-- a lot of girls actually--- who support each other too. It is great-- look up Mourning our Brothers and Sisters via Facebook or just through Google. We are web-based-- mainly email but also use phones once you bond with members. It is pretty cool. We'd love to have more guys share what they go through!
My big brother, at age 30, suddenly died of cardiac arrest. I am the 2nd of 6 kids... I, too, am the glue. I hope I have been taking care of myself... my boyfriend holds me when I need him too. Way to go for your wife. She is special. hugs!
At 5:41pm on November 6, 2010, Russell Stevwing said…
What I found to be of great comfort is that I am not alone. Throughout history people of all cultures, no matter how philosophical they may be suffer at some time and questions it all. Hope helps and makes the difference in not giving up or giving up on life. But a lot of well-meaning friends inadvertently make matters worse in an attempt to comfort us. Often we don’t get the chance to just grieve, as in my case when my brother died. I needed time be angry, time to question it all without people judging. My sister referred to my strength in her comments on the 6th but it is not inborn. I went from being agnostic when I was sixteen to the exact opposite when I was eighteen. I spent the first sixteen years of my life feeling sorry for myself and unwanted because of the circumstances surrounding my birth. I overthought the whole ‘being a person of faith’ when my brother died. What I mean by overthought was to tell myself I need not show any weakness to prove I have faith. Sometimes we try to make other people strong when they say things like ‘why me’ by saying something like, ‘they’re in a better place’. That might just be the case BUT things that help me the most is a hand in mine, a hug without words, somebody willing to look me in the eyes and not be afraid to cry with me.
At 1:29pm on November 6, 2010, Regina Ann Logue said…
I'm the little sister who was fortunate enough to have Russ by my side. I was very close to our little brother and offered to take him to the local swimming pool the day he died, but he refused telling me he was going to hang out with his friends Frankie and Billy. When Ray didn't arrive at home for dinner, we all become concerned. While my brothers were out searching I waited at home. The news was on the televison and that is how I first heard my little brother was dead. Channel 2 news announced his name before the family had officially been notified. I simply remember screaming and then everything runs all together, I was 17 at the time and a week from beginning my Senior year of high school.
If it had not been for Russ, by my side, comforting me each night I woke from nightmares I don't know what I would have done.
I thought we were safe in some crazy kind of way, but in 1989 my 5 year old niece was hit by a car directly in front of her house. Once again, with me not even aware or really appreciative at the time Russ was right there with me every step of the way. I'm glad my brother, who is my hero, finally let down that guard and cried his grief out.
Thanks to Russ' strength and encouragement, his teachings. I too feel at peace.
Currently my husband Jim is dieing from Squamous Cell Cancer in his throat and lungs. He has been battling since March 26, 2007. I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. As each new hurdle comes with the support of my family, especially Russ and his wonderful wife, I've yet to give up, and face each day as a gift. I've learned to look for the open doors instead of focusing on the ones that close.
I too am here if anyone feels I may be of help to them to look toward the openings instead of continuing to fucus on the closings.
At 1:29pm on November 6, 2010, Regina Ann Logue said…
I'm the little sister who was fortunate enough to have Russ by my side. I was very close to our little brother and offered to take him to the local swimming pool the day he died, but he refused telling me he was going to hang out with his friends Frankie and Billy. When Ray didn't arrive at home for dinner, we all become concerned. While my brothers were out searching I waited at home. The news was on the televison and that is how I first heard my little brother was dead. Channel 2 news announced his name before the family had officially been notified. I simply remember screaming and then everything runs all together, I was 17 at the time and a week from beginning my Senior year of high school.
If it had not been for Russ, by my side, comforting me each night I woke from nightmares I don't know what I would have done.
I thought we were safe in some crazy kind of way, but in 1989 my 5 year old niece was hit by a car directly in front of her house. Once again, with me not even aware or really appreciative at the time Russ was right there with me every step of the way. I'm glad my brother, who is my hero, finally let down that guard and cried his grief out.
Thanks to Russ' strength and encouragement, his teachings. I too feel at peace.
Currently my husband Jim is dieing from Squamous Cell Cancer in his throat and lungs. He has been battling since March 26, 2007. I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. As each new hurdle comes with the support of my family, especially Russ and his wonderful wife, I've yet to give up, and face each day as a gift. I've learned to look for the open doors instead of focusing on the ones that close.
I too am here if anyone feels I may be of help to them to look toward the openings instead of continuing to fucus on the closings.
At 6:42am on November 1, 2010, Lisa W said…
Russell,

Welcome to the group Im sorry about your brother and sister . It is hard when you are trying to be the strong one for your family . If you hold back the tears for so long it is hard to grieve .I think we can all help one another through this journey of loss.
Lisa
At 7:58pm on October 30, 2010, Russell Stevwing said…
I lost my baby-brother in 1981 when he was struck by a train. No joke, actually run over by a train. Most people look at me in disbelief when they ask how he died. He was 12 and I was 18. He was deaf but still the cool kid in our neighborhood among those in his age-group. He went where he know he was not supposed to go without somebody older but he and his little gang went to the river to check things out. I was the first family member at the scene. Fortunately, emergency teams were there before I was and they waited for my father and step-father to arrive to make the positive ID. I can still see them carry the body bag and still hear my father scream then one of my older brothers hit the train with a 10-pound rocklike it was yesterday. I remember looking at his empty seat at the dinner table that day before we know he was already gone. I remember putting on my running shoes and jogging the streets looking for him praying he was home when I got back. I was the middle of five children with five older step-brothers and while I was only 18, I was the “strong one” holding myself together and helping others. Holding and rocking my nephew’s with my sister so they could sleep through the chaos then holding my sister’s hand through the night so she could sleep; doing the driving because others in my family were too grief stricken, on anti-anxiety meds or alcohol. I remember starting to cry once but ‘I had a strong faith and needed to be there for others after all’. Everyone was proud and decades later still hear ‘well done’. Problem was, I did not take time to grieve properly. Several years later one night during a time of another family tragedy it all finally hit me like two-tons of bricks and my wonderful wife held me all night, literally, while I sobbed and cried. I have since been able to be there for others in a more balanced way. Not looking for help. I am at peace - finally. But if my journey may be of help to others I would love to share. I am 48.
 
 
 

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