• 49, Female
  • Fulton, New York
  • United States
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Dont know what to do

My name is Starr. I am 37 years of age. I am a single mom of a 15 year old son. Both of my parents passed away in 2006. My father passed in March and my mother 10 days before my birthday in December. I relied on them for everything. For the past 3 years I have gone through the motions. I havent grieved. I have had to be strong for my son. Well all of a sudden in August of this year my emotions have let loose. Alls i have been doing is crying and being angry at everyone. So now once a week I see a therapist and every couple of weeks I see a psychatrist for some meds to help me. But they are still trying to find the right combo. And even though the friends I have are really good friends or they are my best friends they dont understand what I am going through. They think that it has been 3 years I should be able to get up and get going with things. They dont understand all the problems i am having and I dont know how to explain to them how i am feeling or what I am going through. I feel completely lost. I dont know what to do. Some days I cant bare the pain. And the darkness that engulfs me is completely overwhelming. I'm scared that I am always going to feel like this. I dont want to be alone for ever. I want to be in a relationship but who will want somone that is broken like i am? I feel like i am damaged and I cant be fixed. I know none of you know me. But I dont have anywhere else I can write down stuff where i believe people might actually understand what I am going through. I just cant stand the pain anymore.

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At 6:49am on January 6, 2010, amaryllis said…
hi, Starr, on this Jan. 6th be sure you have my prayer thoughts and in the midst of all your suffering what a blessing to have your son close to you.
stay well, the best you can.
At 11:45pm on January 5, 2010, amaryllis said…
Hi, Starr, i've been reading your words again and again during this day and want to let you know how much i am sorry and how much i will be praying for you. On this coming Fri , the 8th i'll be thinking on my mom who died on this day some years ago.
at this time of the year the nights are specially beautiful and when i look at the moon i remember her in a very special way. i lost 3 beloved
ones last year, and among them, my son. i miss him so, so, so much. as i was able to calm down, i started having dreams with him - i see him coming to visit me, without saying one single word though. when it happens i wake up with a feeling of peace and tranquility - it happened yesterday again.
i just tell you this, Starr, i will be praying for you to get the Grace of healing and for you to be very close to your son.
God bless you. xx

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