No i will never understand :( and yes I wish I had spent much more time with Josh, and told him I love him, and just truly been in the moment with him and I never really did that cos I thought there would be plenty of time to express how I felt about him in the decades to come but no... I didnt and now I live a life of regret, blackness and a shattered heart. :'( I am very sorry Carrie that you have to go through this too, its not what any mum wants. You will always be a mum even though you have no more children on this earth, you still have an angel child who needs you and loves you. That thought gets me through my days and also that for each day that passes, I am one day closer to seeing my son again. Hugs to you Carrie xxx