Well, another Christmas without my sweet son. I sort of wish I wasn't here either, life is so damn hard. I feel like if just for a moment I could put my broken heart away and truely realize how much I do have to be thankful for. My 70 year old mother sure shouldn't have to see me in a casket. My 78 year old father is blind, crippled and can never see me like I had to view my only child. People pity me in their own way, I really don't want their pity....I want my son back. I feel broken and alone in a world full of people that want to help me through this nightmare. Can anyone really grasp the concept of GONE? Not coming back? Never to be see or heard from again? I wish I could just slap the shit out of all those parents who see their child calling and refuse to answer the phone, "oh they just want something" is what they say...How I long for my son to phone and ask me for anything, it would be my pleasure to do anything just once more for him.I'm so happy I shared Christmas with my child, just driving through the James Island County Park watching the lights, then stopping for hot chocolate and the smores over the fire. I look at the children out by the fire now and wonder how they view their time with their parents, or is another moment of just getting through, not getting screamed at for dropping their marshmellow or spilling their cocoa, or genuinely a good family time? I hate all those people right now. I wish I could simply be happy.My 21 year marriage ended just 9 months before losing Peter. I blame his Dad everyday. I lost my home, husband, child, job, and everything that mattered {or so I thought} in a matter of the time it took to actually carry my child.