Kim thanks for your note. We are going july 5th - 12th and i need the rest. I have good days and bad days, as i'm sure you can relate to. I have had loss in the past, but that was the end of a seven year and a two year relationship in 1998 and 2002. Breakups, as i know now, pale in comparison to the death of a close loved one. Though a long term marriage of 30-40 years i'm sure is equally devastating.

Hank

Hi Kim yea wednesday was 3 weeks and i seem to be having 2-3 hour periods of being ok, then the rest seems to be a mix of dull pain (tho not as intense as the day before) and deep sadness that he struggled in life so much. I feel terrible that I did fairly well and my lil bro always struggled. I would give up the world just to have one more round of golf with him.

Thank you Kim and i'm truly sorry for your loss. Holding onto the good memories seems to be the one bright spot in an otherwise excrutiating process. I almost feel worse now that three weeks have passed, i think because the true reality is beginning to set in.

Be well Kim

Thanks Kim, I'm hoping that the times of smiles do get longer. I thought I was smiling the other day. And somone commented and I looked and I wasn't. Thats pretty bad. Thinking your smiling and your not. I am going to keep trying. I know I'm not unique to death. But my sister is unique. And I want to do right by her. It obviously will take some time. Talk soon Pam

Thanks for your prayers Kim. I think of you and your family , also. I have tried to take up a fraction of a normal life again. But the little sleep and the new life led without my sister makes things odd.
Probably a strange way to put it , but I feel that the things that i do are different. That when she left something else shifted or changed. Now, when I do normal everyday things I seem to be watching myself doing it. Instead of the just doing it. This week my daffidols and tulips opened. When I planted the bulbs DeeDee was alive. Now she'll not be here to participate in the spring . You know? That kind of thing. Its all strange. Isn't it? I'm glad you'll be surrounded by the rest of your family. I hope you can get some more sleep. My thoughts and prayers will be with you also, this weekend.
My husband is going away for 10 days , and I am going to be off work till the 19th. So I will be here a lot. Stay strong. Pam

Thanks Kim i hope your having a good day. I appreciate all you have to say. My sisters who were my email buddies and both sent notes, saying they can't correspond right now. they just can't talk about deedee anymore.
To answer your question about the clothes. I've been told by this funeral home and my dads which was a differnet area that the body goes in naked. The body /ashes must be pure , that no clothes go with them. Maybe your place just disposed of them. Yet, I've heard of religions who stay with there loved ones thru out the cremation service, even pushing the button and starts the process and than they stay and pray , thru out it all.
okay, now i've just mixed myself up. I know i talk to much about this. But talking about her and her life and her death keeps her alive for me. Pretending it didn't happen and putting it under the rug, means her live was wasted. thanks again Pam

Yesterday the funeral home phoned. to pick up a receipt and my sisters clothes. Today the cemetary phoned and the fellow who did our paperwork was new, we need to go back up there and fix it. Today is March 25th. She died one month ago today. Alone. In pain. In dispair. She was only 44.
I'm so tired. The lights and t.v. going allnight are exhausting.
She is gone. I sometimes look at her personal items as i'm doing some of the paperwork. and write the words. She is gone. Read it over and over. I am going to be 57 this year. She was only 44. She was going to be here all thru old age and bury me. Today it was a month ago. I miss her so much

She came to me early this morning. Shes very mixed up and wandering. So I got up and started going back thru her papers again. So much to shred. I told her to go to god and rest. But still woke up screaming. Less than two hours sleep. Now i'm at work. thanks for the support. Pam