Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bobbie Lynn DeMers on August 11, 2009 at 2:35pm

I wish I could remember mama's laugh and her voice, too.
Bobbie Lynn DeMers said:

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:

hi julianne, Ive tried to post a problem i had with a health facility in WI, twice now it doesn't even come up! But, i found i had to be in the Hospital with my mom during her visit~ Too much happens while under their care. My mom was discharged under "palliative" care for home. Well a Hospice team showed up instead!!!! I was exhausted and in shock. Thinking my mom was coming home to recover. They insisted my mom's doctor ordered this change! I called the nursing association to question this and i got the same answer. A couple months after my dear mom passed, i had an apt. with our doctor. I asked her WHY the change to Hospice? For i feel truly this was the fork in the road that took all hope away from my mom and her will to live. After many many many phone calls and emails, that i had to initiate, i get a registered letter saying, The MISTAKE was a typo made in their computer!! And they are not at liberty to give names, or any policy procedures used~ Like, OOPS it was a mistake, we know you may not be happy with these results. End of subject! I would like to put out a warning to ALL> question every single document, medical care plan and demand to see ALL in writing BEFORE any treatment is carried out. If anyone is interested i can let u know who this monster of a great evil is. Thanks for reading.

Julianne said:

I lost my mom a little over two months ago to septicemia. She went into the hospital with what she thought was simply walking pneumonia, and was dead less than 48 hrs later. The shock of this is still wearing off, but the longer her absence, the more real it all feels. I have two younger siblings, and an older sister who is physically disabled. My dad has been the one keeping us all going. I have no idea what we would do without him.

There are moments, hours, and even days, where I feel like I can't go on. But you do, because you have no other choice. At times I feel like I can't even remember my mom clearly, everything just seems like a fog. And I hate that more than anyhting, because I just want to picture her and be able to imagine her voice.

It's so difficult not having anyone outside of your family who can relate. Friends don't know what to say or do. And unfortunately my family is new to the area, so my nearest friends are a mere 2 hrs away. I definitely find it helpful reading forums such as these, and hopefully some people will add to this particular section.

Permalink Reply by white dove on August 11, 2009 at 3:56pm

To Bobbie Lynn, I have done much research about Hospice. The meds used are definately for end of life. the facilities and home care agencies, want to "turn over" as many patients as quickly as possible to make or save a buck! I spoke to a daughter who's mom was in a hospice facility and she said the place had revolving doors! Some came in at night and left on a cart the very next morning. I really don't mean to sound shocking, but i also believe insurance companies are in on this too. Why would they want to pay out for many medical procedures and life prolonging care for elders or someone with a terminal illness? And of course im being sarcasitc. I have tried SO HARD to get some resolution regarding my dear moms passing.. that i actually sent off a email to President Obama! Sure did. I grew very tired of this large corporation, trying to pass the buck off to so many i cant even count! As soon as i started to probe deep with one, they became VERY uncomfortable and pushed me off to another. I even sent 4 emails to the top CEO of this Great Evil and HE never had the decency to reply back to me! There is something drastically wrong with health care and we need to get to the bottom of this!!!!! I am very sorry for your loss also, and am also sorry we have to have this horrific experience along with losing our loved ones! I dont know about you, but i will till my dying day, try my hardest to get resolution! We are now in the day of "Soilent Green". Very sad. God speed in your healing, and please have comfort that we will all be together again, one fine day!

Bobbie Lynn DeMers said:

My mama died in Hospice two weeks after she was took there. I'm replying to Julianne msg, I think, sorry. We don't understand what happened. I feel (as well as other family members) like the medications had something to do with her condition deteriorating so quickly. Maybe even misdiagnosis, from other doctors. I really don't want to think about it. What do you think?

Permalink Reply by DEBI on August 12, 2009 at 2:54pm

I walked into my office from running errands. I usually do that later. But on March 27, 2009 I changed my agenda. I picked up lunch while I was out. Just as I started to eat...the phone rang. It has changed my life forever. On March 27th I never got to tell my dad anything else ever. I am my daddy's only child. Even though I was his little girl, I was also kinda' his little boy. Nothing was ever something I couldn't do with him. Or someplace we couldn't go together. I miss him so much. Sometimes I think it's getting better....then it starts all over again. They say let go. I try. But that was my only daddy. I can't let go. We had each other. I am not angry....we had a good life on earth. 80 years. The bible tells us the life span of a man is 3 score and 10. 4 score if he is strong. My daddy got all of his and then some. Yes, he was a very strong man. A faithful man, a loving man. My daddy was a 24/7 man. We always knew where each were. I will never let go. I will always miss him. He is me, and I am him. He will live through me. He will never die. I love you daddy, always.

Permalink Reply by white dove on August 13, 2009 at 3:06pm

I wanted to add a p.s. about Hospice care. Of course hospice is a choice that is needed for some. I feel the health care system has however gone way over board. My nieces grandfather was put on hospice. His son not liking this at all...
took him off because his decline was so quick! It just didnt make sense to him. Well 2 months later, hes playing chess, and doing well in the facility hes being cared for in. I feel the use of oral Morphine is what quickens ones decline so swiftly, much faster than with the use of many many other pain meds that are available and should be considered instead of the coma inducing... life quickly taking MORPHINE!!! Don't accept this med for loved ones. We are all here "after the fact". But PLEASE warn all friends, loved ones.. elders about this drug. Other meds work much better and you can still have communication and things needed to be said will be. There are organizations that send cancer patients home on palliative care! The steps of progression of this illness are delt with slower, and with much intellegence and empathy. Please warn others as i just did. Blessings to all in our grief.

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:

To Bobbie Lynn, I have done much research about Hospice. The meds used are definately for end of life. the facilities and home care agencies, want to "turn over" as many patients as quickly as possible to make or save a buck! I spoke to a daughter who's mom was in a hospice facility and she said the place had revolving doors! Some came in at night and left on a cart the very next morning. I really don't mean to sound shocking, but i also believe insurance companies are in on this too. Why would they want to pay out for many medical procedures and life prolonging care for elders or someone with a terminal illness? And of course im being sarcasitc. I have tried SO HARD to get some resolution regarding my dear moms passing.. that i actually sent off a email to President Obama! Sure did. I grew very tired of this large corporation, trying to pass the buck off to so many i cant even count! As soon as i started to probe deep with one, they became VERY uncomfortable and pushed me off to another. I even sent 4 emails to the top CEO of this Great Evil and HE never had the decency to reply back to me! There is something drastically wrong with health care and we need to get to the bottom of this!!!!! I am very sorry for your loss also, and am also sorry we have to have this horrific experience along with losing our loved ones! I dont know about you, but i will till my dying day, try my hardest to get resolution! We are now in the day of "Soilent Green". Very sad. God speed in your healing, and please have comfort that we will all be together again, one fine day!

Bobbie Lynn DeMers said:

My mama died in Hospice two weeks after she was took there. I'm replying to Julianne msg, I think, sorry. We don't understand what happened. I feel (as well as other family members) like the medications had something to do with her condition deteriorating so quickly. Maybe even misdiagnosis, from other doctors. I really don't want to think about it. What do you think?

Permalink Reply by Vicki on August 18, 2009 at 5:08pm

kim said:

my mom died i am only 17 and i am in boystown what do i do i am struggleing

Permalink Reply by Vicki on August 18, 2009 at 5:17pm

Kim : sorry about your Mom . I know hard this is . I lost both my parents with in 11mos of each other. I'm sure I'm much older than you , but it dosen't make a difference . I know the struggle you think you just can't live without them. or that you will forget what they look like or the sound of their voice . that scares me too . Can you get any type of grief counseling where you are ? if so do it . it has helped me greatly , I'm 10yrs past the deaths , but I think of them daily , but now it's without the terrible hurt . you will get there but it will take some work and some time . You will be OK and friends just don't get it unless they have been there. Be kind to yourself . take care it will come . Vicki

Permalink Reply by Liria on August 22, 2009 at 11:18am

I lost my dad at 45yrs old in 1991 from colon cancer. I was 18yrs old at the time. He was sick for a year. My mom was the one that held the family together. It was a very hard time. Thats when I had stopped eating normaly. My apettite was never the same since then. I never forgot him. I thanked god everyday that I had my mom and brother.

In July of '08 my mom had this heavy cough...she couldnt sleep at night...my brother took her to the doctor and they prescribed her some cough medicine. She went to Montenegro on vacation and came back in August 28th on her 62nd birthday still coughing. On September of 2008 we celebrated my nieces birthday...my mom was dancing as usual , laughing, taking pictures...she looked great. After couple of days she turned yellow. On October 8th she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. On January 23rd 2009 she passed away at home.

I wasnt living with my mom at the time...once she was diagnosed I moved in with my mom and brother. My brother is married with 2 small children. I was single with no kids and was not working so I was lucky that I was able to be there for her and take care of her till the end. We decided to keep her home with the help of Hospice Hospital constantly on the phone with them updating them on my moms status and getting all the medicine neededd . I spent every minute with her. It was very painful to see her loose her mobility. When we had to admit my mom to the hospital I slept beside her. I couldnt stop crying.It was just too painful watching my mom suffer and knowing she only had 3 to 4 months to live. When she would see me crying she would say"Please dont cry, you have to be strong..whatever god has planned for meit will happen". My mom never wanted to know her diagnosis..me and my brother fought with the doctors not to tell her..but later we found out that they did tell her. After she found out she didnt want to talk about it..she never complained or cried. She even joked with us couple of times even at the worst of times. That's the kind of mother she was.

I was there next to her every minute...and I cried every day..even 2 hrs before she died I couldnt stop crying but that morning that my mom passed away in her room...I ran away to the kitchen...my moms sister and my brother were there when she took her last breath..I couldnt and didnt want to be there to see that. I was very numb that day and at the funeral I couldnt shed a tear. We were very close. I felt like she will come back ,that this didnt happen. Now I have found the strenght to go to her room but I still can't sleep in her bed. At times I feel despair and I cry non stop but at times I still am very numb..I go about my days as if nothing happened. I feel as though I am in a dream and I will wake up from it soon and she will be there. I am 36years old but I was very close to my mom. She meant the world to me. I still can not to this day believe that she is gone forever and that I will never see her again. I feel quilty that I didnt cry at her funeral and it seems like I am not fully grieving yet. I feel quilty sometimes for going about my day as if nothing happened. I dont think it has sunk in yet. Mothers day was the worst day for me and now her birthday is coming up on August 28th. It will be very painful. I keep on reliving all the events. I keep on seeing her everywhere. In my mind I keep on expecting her to walk through the door smiling at me. Has anyone felt the same way I have?I mean its been 7 months since her passing and I still feel numb at times but I can't still stop talking about my mom.

My mom worked as a cleaning lady for 35yrs in the same building. She was enegretic, vibrant, loving,loved life and loved spending time with her 3yr old grandson and 1 1/2 yr old niece. She was a joy to everyone that knew her. She will be missed dearly. Liria

Permalink Reply by white dove on August 23, 2009 at 9:08am

Dear Liria, I feel for you! I have and am still going through this horrible grieving stage. Lost my mom on 3-30 this year. We were by her side in the hospital and at home during her entire care. Now i so feel the need to talk to her. Finding myself going to the phone. My father is very ill now. They were divorced for many years. In fact, they sent much hate back and forth. But towards the end of my moms life she wanted me to pass a message to "dad".. to tell him she loved him! Shortly after he has taken very ill also. He is remarried, and his "second family" seems to think they know it all and are in charge. Well much water under that damm in all the abuse we "his first family suffered". To them he is a wonderful person. which im sure he did change for appearance sake. Now, in going to see him in coma tose state, i tell him i forgive him for all. I see tears well up in his eyes. To the rest of his second family "we" are the villians. Still, very hard to see him this way and i have severe pity on him and his condition. This time everything around him is being controlled and not by him. All dignity and decisions are stripped of him. I have to admit- i have an urge to duck when im near him, still...... forgiveness is a strong healer. Im finding im still not healed enough to take on all of this. My dear mom, Bless her heart broke the mold in my caregiving. Trying so very hard to retrieve pieces of Me and now it's happening again. WAY too soon. In my heart, i feel my mom is waiting for him and he knows it. Mending of fences came in the end for them so for everyone, its never too late to do this. God Bless all. Praying we heal in a strong and loving way.

Liria said:

I lost my dad at 45yrs old in 1991 from colon cancer. I was 18yrs old at the time. He was sick for a year. My mom was the one that held the family together. It was a very hard time. Thats when I had stopped eating normaly. My apettite was never the same since then. I never forgot him. I thanked god everyday that I had my mom and brother.

In July of '08 my mom had this heavy cough...she couldnt sleep at night...my brother took her to the doctor and they prescribed her some cough medicine. She went to Montenegro on vacation and came back in August 28th on her 62nd birthday still coughing. On September of 2008 we celebrated my nieces birthday...my mom was dancing as usual , laughing, taking pictures...she looked great. After couple of days she turned yellow. On October 8th she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. On January 23rd 2009 she passed away at home.

I wasnt living with my mom at the time...once she was diagnosed I moved in with my mom and brother. My brother is married with 2 small children. I was single with no kids and was not working so I was lucky that I was able to be there for her and take care of her till the end. We decided to keep her home with the help of Hospice Hospital constantly on the phone with them updating them on my moms status and getting all the medicine neededd . I spent every minute with her. It was very painful to see her loose her mobility. When we had to admit my mom to the hospital I slept beside her. I couldnt stop crying.It was just too painful watching my mom suffer and knowing she only had 3 to 4 months to live. When she would see me crying she would say"Please dont cry, you have to be strong..whatever god has planned for meit will happen". My mom never wanted to know her diagnosis..me and my brother fought with the doctors not to tell her..but later we found out that they did tell her. After she found out she didnt want to talk about it..she never complained or cried. She even joked with us couple of times even at the worst of times. That's the kind of mother she was.

I was there next to her every minute...and I cried every day..even 2 hrs before she died I couldnt stop crying but that morning that my mom passed away in her room...I ran away to the kitchen...my moms sister and my brother were there when she took her last breath..I couldnt and didnt want to be there to see that. I was very numb that day and at the funeral I couldnt shed a tear. We were very close. I felt like she will come back ,that this didnt happen. Now I have found the strenght to go to her room but I still can't sleep in her bed. At times I feel despair and I cry non stop but at times I still am very numb..I go about my days as if nothing happened. I feel as though I am in a dream and I will wake up from it soon and she will be there. I am 36years old but I was very close to my mom. She meant the world to me. I still can not to this day believe that she is gone forever and that I will never see her again. I feel quilty that I didnt cry at her funeral and it seems like I am not fully grieving yet. I feel quilty sometimes for going about my day as if nothing happened. I dont think it has sunk in yet. Mothers day was the worst day for me and now her birthday is coming up on August 28th. It will be very painful. I keep on reliving all the events. I keep on seeing her everywhere. In my mind I keep on expecting her to walk through the door smiling at me. Has anyone felt the same way I have?I mean its been 7 months since her passing and I still feel numb at times but I can't still stop talking about my mom.

My mom worked as a cleaning lady for 35yrs in the same building. She was enegretic, vibrant, loving,loved life and loved spending time with her 3yr old grandson and 1 1/2 yr old niece. She was a joy to everyone that knew her. She will be missed dearly. Liria

Permalink Reply by Liria on August 27, 2009 at 12:52pm

Hi Paula,

Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry for your mom's passing. I know its been really hard not to call her and hear her voice. I still cant believe she is gone. When I think about not seeing her ever again it just brings a lot of pain to me. I still feel like shes on vacation and she will be back soon. Hard to get her out of my mind. I find your letter comforting and very sad at the same time.

Its great that you were there for your mom like I was and its great that you are able to see your dad even though he didnt present a lot in your life. There comes a time , I quess in our darkest moments when there is regret and quilt over our lifes mistakes. Your dad probably felt this a long time ago but sometimes it's too late to mend things and you just let them be as they may. When you cause someone so much pain and for a long period of time, even if years later you regret it and feel remorse it's too late to undo the damage that's been done. He probably didnt expect you to come be by his side, so when you did and when you forgave him it brought tears to his eyes because that to him was some sort of closure, forgiveness from you. It takes a lot for someone to do that...it gives you some sort of closure and it helps you heal in the process. You should be very proud of yourself.
God Bless you!

Permalink Reply by white dove on September 2, 2009 at 11:04am

Liria, You words helped me much while continueing to visit my father. He by the way is doing better! Thanks to all for prayers! The not so good side is his "second family". One evening while visiting him, and seeing all the machines.. and his apnea... i saw he had on a DNR wrist band. His second wife just pushed a sale of their farm a week earlier and she came to the hospital and made him a DNR and didnt stay long. WELL! Where was the compassion in her? I was FURIOUS. All this taking me right back to my moms departure to Heaven. I talked to the "extended family" on the phone, telling them, they ought to be ashamed to leave him to pass all alone as they did!!! Also, convinient for them too!! I spent hours at his bedside begging him to get better, crying. He opened his eyes to see my tears.... I wont go on any further about this.. but my dad made progress and he was "shipped" right off to a nursing home by his wife... up north.... At least there i KNOW he is recieving good care. i DO know all to well, as do you, how hard it is to care for our loved ones... a blessed event too! Don't we all want someone there while making our transition to Heaven? But then, there are some that leave when we are away..... It is a journey of their own desire, as to when.... they want to go... But i truly feel, it is a wonderful blessing to send off MUCH love with them, beforehand! I pray my father "makes all good" before he leaves this earth. All forgiveness is there for him. I SO miss my mom. having the need to talk to her is overwhelming still.... I have to rely on my faith, that we will be reunited once again~

Liria said:

Hi Paula,

Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry for your mom's passing. I know its been really hard not to call her and hear her voice. I still cant believe she is gone. When I think about not seeing her ever again it just brings a lot of pain to me. I still feel like shes on vacation and she will be back soon. Hard to get her out of my mind. I find your letter comforting and very sad at the same time.

Its great that you were there for your mom like I was and its great that you are able to see your dad even though he didnt present a lot in your life. There comes a time , I quess in our darkest moments when there is regret and quilt over our lifes mistakes. Your dad probably felt this a long time ago but sometimes it's too late to mend things and you just let them be as they may. When you cause someone so much pain and for a long period of time, even if years later you regret it and feel remorse it's too late to undo the damage that's been done. He probably didnt expect you to come be by his side, so when you did and when you forgave him it brought tears to his eyes because that to him was some sort of closure, forgiveness from you. It takes a lot for someone to do that...it gives you some sort of closure and it helps you heal in the process. You should be very proud of yourself.
God Bless you!

Permalink Reply by white dove on September 3, 2009 at 7:57am

Hi Dear Liria. I'm still not sure how to request a friend here... i sure have tried :) I remember reading about your difficulties in eating. I too have this problem. It seems when i get going in a healthier eating habit, something comes along and destroys my progress again... unlike many, i am happy to put on 5lbs! I stopped eating while taking care of my dear mom. When she couldnt swallow, i felt it very rude to eat anything too. Knowing she could smell it! It has been a difficult journey to try and get my digestive system back in order. And now, here is my dad's ending stages. Like many, this brings me right back to the shock, grief that was felt so strongly after my mom left. I swear, I would love to just shut off the world for about a month and take a long (no stress) vacation. Who can afford this? Not me! So, what can we do in the mean time? Blessings to u dear.

Liria said:

Hi Paula,

Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry for your mom's passing. I know its been really hard not to call her and hear her voice. I still cant believe she is gone. When I think about not seeing her ever again it just brings a lot of pain to me. I still feel like shes on vacation and she will be back soon. Hard to get her out of my mind. I find your letter comforting and very sad at the same time.

Its great that you were there for your mom like I was and its great that you are able to see your dad even though he didnt present a lot in your life. There comes a time , I quess in our darkest moments when there is regret and quilt over our lifes mistakes. Your dad probably felt this a long time ago but sometimes it's too late to mend things and you just let them be as they may. When you cause someone so much pain and for a long period of time, even if years later you regret it and feel remorse it's too late to undo the damage that's been done. He probably didnt expect you to come be by his side, so when you did and when you forgave him it brought tears to his eyes because that to him was some sort of closure, forgiveness from you. It takes a lot for someone to do that...it gives you some sort of closure and it helps you heal in the process. You should be very proud of yourself.
God Bless you!

Permalink Reply by Andy on September 28, 2009 at 4:07pm

My siblings betrayed me, my sister and my parents as my father and then my mother died.

My sister was appointed PR (executor) and didn't move fast enough for my greedy brothers and sisters. I was alternate. They ganged up and contributed to the chaos. When I look at the time line I see they couldn't wait to strike out at both of us. They formed a majority and convinced the judge to strip my sister of her responsibility and threatened to do the same to me. May be I was wrong to do so, but I saw their rage ready to be directed at me and I resigned as alternate. Now they rage at my mother for passing a trust to my sister. They greed after their "fair share". Good riddance I relish in the quiet I have in my life now. They will never have further opportunity to spread their poison into my life beyond where I stopped them (I disconnected my home phone - goodbye!). Now I know why Mom and Dad didn't name ANY of them to see to their last wishes. What a horrible group to be related to ... yuck. and now on with the rest of my life...

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